important notes to leave

I like leaving love notes. Sometimes I do it on chalk boards, white board, sticky notes, or voice messages. I leave them on your cars, hidden in your office, or somewhere random it will take you months to find. I like to brighten your day (so STOP complaining damnit!).

I've had this discussion in the past about how to leave me notes around my house. And luckily I've run across a couple other cute possibilities for my everyday life.

Case and point #1:

Listen Evan/Nik, don't tell me what to do. Honeybadger don't give a shit. I can wear my birthday suit and walk around my house all I want. Do your rental units pay rent here? No, I don't think so. What if there is a dance off? What am I going to do if my pants are still on?

I mean I may consider putting on a robe or a towel (like when your boyfriend is here), but you can't stop the girls if they want to get out (you know what I'm talking about, insert wink wink).

PS, anyone notice the Jimmy John magnet goodness above this well purposed college roommate request.

Case and Point #2:

Except this love note would be edited this to say:

• Dear LL, You dumb hooker. I'm not too happy with your inability to provide me with 1 pound of crack cherries each week. This is unacceptable for my pooping ability. If you could fix the situation that'd be great. Thanks, Nik.

Oh sure sure, blame me for your inability to have a good BM. That has got to be the nicest random note demanding sugary substances. Jon you sexy thing. I wonder how sweet your real loooovenotes are.

I vote for ariel

People have some pretty strong opinions and emotions about font choice. I've had two people in the last month comment on my email font choice and size...as if I care what they think. I am an ariel fan through and through and throw. You know, ariel or it is arial? OK well whichever one isn't the mermaid who could sing.

One of my tech friends mentioned to me years ago that there was a documentary movie about the font Helvetica. Apparently this movie examines "how font affects our lives" and especially the bastard son Helvetica. I can undoubtedly say that it really don't effect my, at least not in any meaningful way.

Now I hear about the new Comic Sans Project sweeping the interwebs. As their tagline states, "Helvetica is soooo 2011" and since we are two days away from 2012, I'm on board. These graphic designers are changing all your favorite telemarkerting logos and font type into the teacher-friendly comic sans. It is just so friendly and bubbly and soft....just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

On a parting note, it is worth me mentioned I'm considering switching my email font to Chiller. It would be like Halloween or Twilight all year long. Sounds like a plan.

thinking through crotch hugs

The background:

The rental units have worked at a major college for a billion of years. These units only ever wear the colors of this university, and do not have anything else from the color wheel. This worked well for their respective jobs. Momma B used to feed all the athletes at this so called university. As such, they got to know her nice short little self. She would bounce around wearing green, feeding them pasta and gateraid while making sure they had a balanced training table diet. She leaves an impression, all 4 feet of her in black lace-ups.

The story:

Let's fast forward 10 years later to the LAX TSA lane circa earlier this month. There Momma B was going through security, setting off all the alerts because half her new body is metal replacements, when someone recognized her. Some extremely tall, basketball-looking, super-nice fine man recognized her (and Poppa B confirmed this sighting, as I question if sub-tymers isn't setting in). Once through security the guy gives her two hugs and they chatted briefly.

The clarification:

It should be noted that Momma B can't tell a story to save her life. She bounces around and following the point is often difficult. So after hearing this story, I needed a couple essential clarifications:

• He recognized you? Oh commmme on I barely recognize you when I see you once a year and you can't even remember MY name (I get called the dog's old name often).
  
• He hugged you? I mean, how did that work? The guy is 7 feet tall and you are 4 feet which roughly means you could walk between his legs. For reals, this spontaneous act of hugging is close to a physical impossibility.
  

Once Momma B had stopped wheezing from my line of questions, I made the best summary of the entire situation:

• You "crotch hugged" Mo-Pete.

I don't find this remotely fair. Why don't you short people hug people your own size. Leave the tall fine men for the tall (amazing) women, like me :) Hug someone your own size next time.

So apparently the fam thought this whole "crotch hug" terminology was pretty funny as it was repeated numerous times throughout the last week. I suppose the crotch hug could be considered a "crappy hug" but for me it is pretty fanfuckintastic. I have absolutely no problem crotch hugging good looking men.

The pictorial representation:

If you have no idea what I am talking about here is a great pictorial representation of the LLism of crotching hugging:

Green lady = Momma B

Yellow giant = Best flintstone basketball player ever

Mo-Pete, thanks for making my mom's year! That was super nice of you.

more musical collaborations

I do love Taylor Swift. Well not always....OK well sort of always but not always openly. Well anyways, a new single was released this week where she is working it with the Civil Wars. If you don't know this group you totally should. They are amazing. On top of these great collaboration, the single is also for the well anticipated Hunger Games movie coming out this spring. I'm not yet obsessed with these books and so far the previews aren't doing much for me....but I do LOVE this song:

I don't understand gingerbread houses

I like holidays. I also like holiday traditions, for example I put up my holiday tree mid-November this year. But there are some traditions throughout the year I just don't understand. Case and point, around the Christmas season, what is up with all these Gingerbread Houses?

I had this conversation at a local bakery the other day. I made my case that I don't understand spending so much time on something that is for display and cannot ultimately be eaten. All the baking and preparation and extreme sugar....it makes no logistical sense to me. Plus don't they always fall down? Frosting does not equal glue, folks. I mean, I was standing next to one at our college's competition and the jellybean house light just fall off. I didn't touch it or anything, and all the hard work was just crumbling in my presence.

Well this makes me want to review some of the most noteworthy gingerbread houses of the season. Award number one goes to the most insensitive, less PC house:



Subsequently, this is exactly the way my houses look whenever I try to build them. They typically end up in a pile or lump of natural disaster sweetness. If they happen to stay together, they may end up like this masterpiece (only I would put carrots, or whatever is left in my kitchen on my gingerbread house):



This one definitely gets award number two (which subsequently is close to poop). I find this one a remarkable resemblance of Beeker from the Muppets. You know, my favorite character which I have been chanting all over the house this holiday season. Mememe-Mememe-Mememe. If you don't know what I am talking about, check out this video:



See that house is a PERFECT Beeker. Told ya.

PS, that mess of hair on Beeker's head is also the way I sort of look in the mornings...or all day...whatev.

the best viral videos of 2011

Here are the best viral videos of 2011, check out to see how many of them you have seen (if not too many, congrats on having a life outside of your computer):



Each one of these videos had over 1 million views on youtube. That is is absolutely nuts. No wonder the economy is in the shitter. The more jobs are flowing through computers, the more we are multitasking to watch cats, and babies online. The world mayyy be coming to an end.

stop eating butter, norway needs it

I'm not sure if you are aware or not, but Norway is currently in a butter crisis. No for real, you j-hole of a fat American, this is a serious problem. Norwegian children are getting stuck between things and not being about to use butter as a greaser. Norwegian turkeys are lacking the butterball brown glow. The Norwegian Lutheran white rolls are going un-extreme-buttered. Cri-sis.

I was recently in Norway, and I didn't notice any butter shortages or butter fueled protests. I did notice the plethora of meat products including sardines and foamy meat. Perhaps I was focusing on the wrong thing...

Well anyways, all the American comedians have been making light of these crisis and one transgendered Norwegian has had enough of it! He is putting on some make-up, a fierce lip gloss, and setting up his webcam for a good youtube protest:



PREACH ON Tommy, preach on!!! This video is very reminiscent of the "leave britney alone" video which went viral during Britney's (bitch) meltdown period. At least Tommy wasn't under a sheet, but instead was working a fabulous asymmetrical haircut out in the open.

Well what is the message here, stop picking on butter....right?

worse pants ever

I'm not the most fashionable person ever. I'll admit it freely. However I do occasionally bedazzle the girls, put a little shadow on, or wear a hot pair of sex boots. With this disclaimer, I sure do have some pretty strong feelings about what is fashion and what is it complete shit.

Recently I ran across a pair of the worse pants ever. These are worse than the sperm pants, or the nude colored tights/pants. These are jeans and they are $100 of your hard earned money:



Wow, what the bloody hell is that?!?! The 20 inch zipper is amazing. I am alllll about inch measurement in it's different forms, but this is just ridiculous. We got a little jean zipper MC Hammer action happening here (more on hammer pants here).

And these are truly woman's jeans. However, I think these might be more appropriate for male cross dresser. I mean they do go nicely with a pair of heels AND there is plenty of room to hide your pleen. These aren't your Texasss cowboy tight, junk hugging jeans. We got plenty of room here. I would suggest, however, that you glam them up with a belt of some kind!

I think these would go nicely with some nice hand knitted boxers.

video of the day breakdown

Let's breakdown the ah-mazingness that is this newly selected video of the day:

• I love the 80's....the tight sweatshirts (Go pistons!), the mullets (party in the back, business in the front), and teased hair on the ladies (too much hair spray).
• I have two words for you: MOU-STACHE. Yes please. Ride for one.
  
• Geooorgia, georgia. On my mind.
  
• I LOVE extreme whistling.
• I need to be an audience member for this talk show. It looks like alot of fun.
  

I think we need to hit replay and watch that business again! That is soooome talent.

stop wasting electricity

Man this suburban family is on a roll. For reals, they had the best Halloween themed decorated house this fall and now they are blowing away the competition again for the holiday season. However, I think we may need a two-fold intervention:

1. STOP WASTING electricity....mother nature and martha facher are going to punch you in the throat. I mean your neighbors have to hate you too. All that music and flashing lights. I'm going to have a seizure, and not in a good way.
   
2. You need to find another bad pop group besides LMFAO. Yes this boy band is fascinating to me too but let's not turn into tween obsessed mode. I suggest your next background track be a reminder it's almost friday (despite leading the dislikes voting), something by Queen, something about being on a boat, a little Nicki (with her pink chicken necklace), and something about tootin and pootin (or big butts).

Consider this your well-needed two-parter intervention after seeing this go viral:



Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Hey girl. I just don't care...I don't give a shit. I work out.

thinking about santa

I've been thinking about Santa lately....that jolly bowl of jelly. I mean what an lazy mascot for the holidays--no wonder the people of the world are equally lazy. The guy only works one night a year (granted that night probably is pretty stressful), and sits around 364 days eating, drinking, and fating up on sweets. How that sleigh even gets off the ground is besides me?!?!

And he has some behavioral tendencies I think need to be examined further. The guy breaks into homes and looks around for little children. Someone needs to call Chris Hansen a-sap, as well as Horatio Cane and get on the fat man in a red suit. And I'm not the only one that finds Santa's (or should we take the dyslexia route in naming: Satan....see too close for my comfort) behavior questionable:



My point exactly and well diagrammed if you ask me. That fat bastard drinks my beer, eats my cookies, and leaves a mess under my tree. Yep, alot like rommates and burglars. Case and point folks. Point LL, advantage NOT the fat man I'll now call Satan.

I want to live in effin

I used to live near a town called Leslie, which would have been cool is I lived on a similar named street within the town. LL, on LL St, in LL-ville. Same thing happened with my cousin in the Seattle area. It could totally happen...

Speaking on towns I'd like to live in, I recently read about a town called "Effin". Where is this you ask??? Why of course it is in Ireland, land of one of my favorite word "FECK" and 200,000 shades of green. This country town has a whopping 1000 people but has become an international sensation once Facebook (in all it's infinite wisdom) decided not to recognize it as a true city.

Facebook, what an j-hole. I knew that rich ginger Zuckerman/burg wears an asshat. Many previous citizens from the great city of EFFIN have started facebook campaigns and appealed to the FB gods. However, these efforts have fallen short as the town is still not recognized as a legit locality. Some irate FBers have stated "I'm a proud Effin woman" and that just made me giggle.

This sounds like a mathematical problem, or FB is really bad at geography. We need to get Sheldon on this business. I bet it is all about the html code and algorithms. See EFFIN is just too close to many swear words and FB is gonna cockblock the shit out of you until you move into a more normally coined town.

And thus another solid reason to hate on facebook and that famous backstabbing ginger.

a funny sausage party

Have you watched the Christmas Story yet this year? Well if not perhaps you would like to enjoy your favorite scene remade by hotdogs....well hotdogs with eyes and mouths. The sausage party presents youtube channel has been making ha-larry-asssss videos for years now and I just love their hotdog remakes with running commentary:



I mean who doesn't love a sausage party!

Now remember we have all learned previously that you can use the word weiner, sausage, hot dogs interchangeably as they are all cased meat products of some kind. And just in case you forgot, here is a tutorial on how to use your weiners with your children:



Thanks McBetty. Nice work. Hot dogs for everyone!

we all cry over spilled beer

I expect more out of the Germans. They should know how to carry beer, how to drink beer, and how to sing whilst swaying your arms to a good beer-drinking song. You should not be allowed to wear those lederhosen if you can't handle this:



There's no use crying over spilled milk. But spilled beer? Only a fucking weirdo would laugh about that. This is a deutschland tragedy of epic proportions. The way that guy was warming up and doing some squats in preparation for this beer lifting, I really thought he had it in him! This will continue to sadden me all night.

Kanst du letzt mich hernen? Ya!!!

I need this

I just found a perfect gift you can get me for xmas:

This flask holds a whopping 64 ounces (that's a half gallon) of booze.

Maybe I should just carry the bottle because we are completely defeating the purpose of a flask if it is that big and won't fit between the girls. Again, the flask is for sneakiness and not blatant drunkenness....that is where you just walk around with the bottle and say screw the brown paper bag condom!

Still a good gift no matter how you spin it, you alcoholics.

dirty knitting

Last month I found a moose humping winter hat which I suggested Momma B make for me. It combines winter gear with some dirty images that are bound to turn heads. It looks all nice and holiday-like when in reality it is all about humping on your melon.

It is probably more difficult to disguise your dirty knitting when it is a sweater and sewn with love across your chest. For example, check out this guy's frosty boner sweater:



I've been thinking about hosting a "holiday sweater" party for years now, and this would be a perfect addition. A good friend of mine did this for her wedding party where everyone had to wear an ugly holiday sweater or sweater vest. Again, I can state definitely without hesitation that Momma B would have about half a dozen sweater options for a party like this :)

Also, this guy has complimented his dirty sweater with a bow tie. Hot. More men need to wear bow ties, and top hats, and pimp canes (make note men in my life).

another alternative for the plastic pinto

We've had this conversation before. I really don't like those family doodle stickers on the back of minivans. They piss me off. I will never have one of those and if I ever change you have my permission to push me into on-coming traffic.

Couple months ago I came across a sticker I would consider using. It was about some hot copper colored Honda owner and your mom. Brilliant. Good play on words and sticker usage.

Recently I ran across another good option, albeit slightly more violent. I don't particularly like violence but you have to see the humor in:

No, still don't see it? Well this driver's bumper probably also has a sticker that says my child beat up your honor student. I just wonder what type of car it is...

cananda just went up in my book

Wow, those northern canucks just went a notch up in my book. I mean their lower legal drinking age was a pro throughout high school and college, but now as my priorities have shifted (yeah like booze isn't still a priority) I like that they are also givers. I just read about the 17th Annual “Teddy Bear Toss” in Calgary where fans of the minor-league hockey team the Calgary Hitmen throw teddy bears onto the ice to celebrate the team’s first goal, with the bears eventually being collected and donated to the Alberta Children’s Hospital.

Wanna see 25,000 teddy bears flying through the air at the greatest of ease??? Yes please.



Pretty badass. Can more American teams do this? Again, I'd like to state how I could run the shit out of a sports team's philanthropy and community efforts. I'm just sayin.

laziness around the holidays

Well it's officially December which means I can start talking about the holidays without fear of being scorned or have rocks thrown at me. I've been warming up for the holidays with thoughts of gifts in a box as well as some good holiday-themed music. Tis the season and remember the reason, you crazy bitch.

Not everyone is as cheerful or organized as the big LL. Let's examine a couple examples of laziness during the season exemplified.

Case and point #1:

Wow, you are super lazy. L-a-z-y. For reals. I mean at least get a fake tree like Nik made me do (then just keep stating "recycle, reuse, refresh"). Nope this dude stopped by the gas station on the way home, while picking up a 40 oz. and chewing tobacco, and got a wintergreen scented air freshener. Then he sat at home thinking about a good way to display it...that was until he got an inch on his back and discovered his trusty back scratcher. At least it is smells like a Christmas tree and you don't have to worry about all the presents fitting under it!

Case and point #2:



Yeah you suck too. Lazy mother fers. And PS your arrow point left is burnt out so you suck more.

Sometimes extreme apathy can lead to extreme ingenuity. With one simple word and a minuscule fraction of the effort, the guy on the right is expressing the exact same level of Christmas spirit as his show-offy, bigger-budgeted neighbor. Plus that guy borrowed a rake from him like three years ago, so it all evens out.

Case and point #3:

Jesus didn't even have electricity....what does he care!?!?

This is totally the lupus way of approaching the holidays. Good intentions immediately shot to shit with a little bit of pirate-like swearing thrown in there. Sounds about right.

Well tis the season everyone!

dance party on a treadmill

Wowsa, check out this lady. She is totally, totally showing you up on a treadmill. She ain't runnin, hells no she is going to throw down and dance you off (I mean it ain't no chair in San Fran**). Check her get down:



Personally I like the two douches doing the running commentary, Beyonce what?!?! Holla at yo girl. Apparently she is a repeat customer who works on her moves while working it out. Hot.

Only on the Internet could someone become the second most famous person to pull off an intricately choreographed dance routine on a treadmill. But talent-wise, this lady makes those guys from OK GO look like they're stuck in walk mode.

**Insert memory from San Fransisco drunk, with the Beaver2.0, and having a 3 AM dance off with a bar stool. Ahh good times.

where does my laptop go?

Let's play a game.

Guess where LL brings her laptop constantly:

• The toilet
• The bathtub
• My bed
• The coffee shop
• The plastic pinto

Here are some case and point examples for you....

I really don't see a problem with this. Sure sure I could die due to the combination of water and electricity, but what is life without a little risk. I'm more worried when its extreme hot water and the mirror is dripping in condensation. Think about what that is doing to my motherboard.

And sadly this case and point is also my life:

It may seem incredibly depressing to think that the only thing warming my bed during these cold winter months is the laptop I snuggle up beside, but that's an antiquated thought process. This is the future. You're not alone if you have a trusted computer that intimately knows your tastes in music, sitcoms, and pornography. I say let the machines repay us for building them by providing the occasional adrenaline and dopamine needed to simulate an emotional connection with another living being.

I shop here all the time

As McBetty says, its a single serving container...or meal....

I'm starting to get in the mood

Ohhh tis the season and I'm starting to get in the mood, the mood for a little xmas music and....



CHEWY!!!

Pretty badass if you ask me.

let's step back to the 70s

I have been listening to some really great 70s music lately. Curtis Mayfield had a couple legendary schools that end up in every recent pop culture movie. See if you can pick the movies for which these songs have been running through my head:



OR

no absolutely no

If anyone buys me this, I will kill you (and then mail it to Helga that cat lovin fool):



Horrible.

holy balls deep

Wowsa, check out this Jeopardy player going balls deep, laying all his shit out there, taking on Alex like a true badass. This is the scariest 60 seconds of Jeopardy ever:



Wow, Alex is like "excuse me?" what did you say? Did I hear you wrong? And then boooom the guy is like a millionare. Go big or go home bitches.

shop eddie

I need to start shopping at Eddie Bauer again.**

It's the holiday season and you gotta give the gift of....



**If you don't get it, watch this clip.

Step 1: Cut a hole in a box

Step 2: Put your junk in the box

sardines and orange donkeys

So for those that don't know I spent a good week in the great land 'o Norway last week. I was doing a training for work, but got a good 4 hours of fun in between. Really, those Norwegians know how to work a girl out. Despite this I did get to see some of the country side, learn about sardines and try to love on some orange donkeys:



Go LL go!!! I'm on a boat and see I'm in Norway (hence the Norwegian flag).



These are the famous Fjordes, which are naturally made fingerlets on the coast. Apparently they were made from the ice ages and are very deep with high rocks. Amazingly pretty.



Wowsa that is tall and high and rocky. Blue sky, that blue sky makes me all warm and fuzzy instead.



So yesss Norway rocked my world. My suitcase was late after 24 hours of flying, but things got better. I was hosted to the mosted this trip. It has come to a point where I'm thinking, man can you just leave me alone for awhile so that I can sit in my room by myself. There is all these group meals, where they embrace their collaborative nature. I like this part, and something American's should do more. But within reason and perhaps not 3+ times a day! What a loner I am, but seriously sometimes I just want to shed that professional LL nature to do my two favorite things: drink and swear.

One of the nights I was invited to one of my host's homes for a traditional Norwegian holiday dinner that was a-mazing. There was champagne, and local beer, and some local potato liquor. I was a good girl but they had to put me in a taxi back to my hotel at the end of the night. I like it when the hosts are too drunk to drive the guest home—this is my type of country, I mean you have to drink just to stay warm. Anyways we had sweeeedish potatoes, and sheep ribs rehydrated covered with a butter/bacon gravy. Yeah this was definitely low cal. This meat was dehydrated and salted, then soaked for days, and then boiled over birch branches, and then baked into some crispy meat business. It was interesting and I ate it all like a pro. I didn't insult the host until I said I didn't want chocolate cake at the end, which was soooo typically me (no cake for me but can I have another sheep rib please?).

On that food note, I have been eating a ridiculous amount of meat. I swear, there is weird meat everywhere, at every meal, and for each snack time. I had to eat Veel/veal/veil/vail last night and put a smile on my face the entire time. It wasn't too bad but geeeez can a girl get a salad? I asked if there are any vegetarians or vegans in Norway and they all said "NO" without any hesitation. At breakfast there was puffed or foamy meat (which I undoubtedly avoided). I should just continue eating meat the last day because I got emails from my food/meat family today warning me that over 50 people have got sick and there has been a recall on Basil in Norway---great, death by basil is much worse than over consumption of meat product.

I also learned wayyyy more about seafood and fish then I really needed. I went to the canning museum and I was excited to learn about the history of canned veggies and fruits, only to find out it was ALLLLL seafood and sardines. Can't wait for Santa gifts this year and EVERYONE is getting Norwegian sardines (say it like Oprah, "you get a sardine", "you get a sardine").

As a final note, I also noticed that the Norwegian cross walks have Dick Tracy in them. Some are gender neutral while others have top hats, shoes, and fitted coats. Yesss Dick Tracy is in Norweigan and warning pedestrians of on-coming traffic.

it's time for alittle helga

I'm in extreme preparation for an exciting trip to CA. We're going back, back, back, to cali, cali, cali (insert notorious B-I-G). I am going to get my yearly dose of Helga time, my all time best butt rubbing, leg humping, lover pants friend. I'm going to sass the shit out of her, and extreme whistle, and rub my feet on her pillows, and bark at her, and be super duper cheerful in the morning. It is gonna be great...I can't wait.

Helga, you are welcome to sit on my lap anytime:



Also, I'm pretty sure I am going to hump your leg. Be that in a parking lot or on a train or on a plane. Look out, hump hump hump:



Considering we are in CA, I imagine there is going to be hiking happening. You know where my foot can take it. So we will be in the woods, hugging trees and loving mother nature (PS, I still have this t-shirt):



I hope we will be on a boat somewhere, just so I can sing, "I'm on a boat..I'm on a mother f-ing boat." I really love cities with water in them, especially when they have boats, like ferry boats or tour boats:



I am positive there is going to be some drinking. I mean, it's LL, right? Yeah, so it may not look exactly like this blow job shot taking, but definitely some drinking:



Along with the drinking, I hope to laugh my balls off. I'm going to laugh and laugh, and then laugh at you, and finally laugh at me. It's gonna be great, no seriousness here:



And finally, we will have some hugging. Helga may try to push me away, but I'm 6 foot tall, bigger than you, and can wrap my arms 4x around you. Deal with it. And my personality is 2x times as big as normal people which means, I'm coming and we are going to embrace:



Woot woot, see you Saturday you hooker!

hey girl, I don't give a shit

Well I had a hellish, yet fun week. I was to work by 7 AM everyday and drunk by 8 PM most nights. Apparently I've been working and playing pretty hard lately. This week, I spent some quality time with my girls where we constantly quoted 3 things which will make you laugh and stick in your head:

Number 1:

That stupid LMFAO song. All they're songs are stupid but soooo damn catchy (including the rock anthem). Now this one is my ringer that says "wiggle, wiggle, wiggle...I work out". Yesterday we were tailgating at the UVA game and it went off, and everyone was like what the hell is that. Wiggle, wiggle:



I work out. No fo real, I do. Yeah and I'm sexy and I know it.

Number 2:

I've been watching those wild animal shows lately. Not through cable television or with any factual base, but through one of my new favorite gay guys. Yep his name is Randell and he is an internets viral sensation. For example, check out this informational video about Honey Badgers:



So what is in my head, "Honey badgers, they don't give a shit". Nastyass honey badgers. What a badass, they just don't care. (I'm going to keep replying to you using these lovely new Honey Badger inspired saying).

Wow, I really like Randell. If you haven't already, you should totally subscribe to his YouTube channel and see what else he narrates (to classical music). For example, check out the Jesus Lizard.

Number 3:

While hanging out, B kept saying "hey girl" and I was like, that's from another viral video. Turns out we could quote the whole damn thing. Posted this a couple months ago after my gay husband was here for a visit, because it reminded me of his fierceness:



LOVES this. Could watch it, quote it, and love on it all damn day. All this week, Nik and I would laugh to this before going to bed:

• HEY GIRL! Hey girl.
  
• Nice try hoe
• But special, remember I'm special
• Rude...
• I can hear you bitches
• That's how you do it, bitch
• It's like pretty n' pink but the dress looked good

Now let's pull my fun week together into one phrase: "Hey girl, I work out, I don't give a shit"

open letter to seattle

Dear Seattle,

I'm sooo looking forward to coming for a visit in two weeks. I miss you lots, you know with your constant cover of cloud and moderately tempered weather. I'd like to visit with family, catch a flying fish, eat an almond crosssssant, go canhoooo-ing, get on a big b-ooo-a-t, see the twins and BS with Scott, spot a sparkly vampire, and go see DMB at the Gorge. The reality is I may only accomplish the first goal here because UW screwed my alternative-non-work-related plans earlier this fall. Alas I get one free night.

While in Seattle, if possible, I'd like to spot this new mode of transportation I recently read about. I'm a bike supporter, especially when they add a fast swimmer to it (aka, sperm). Not shooting blanks anymore! (to quote my fav grad school friends). I'd like to see this bike, ride on this bike, and buy one for my own personal use around Cville:



Wow Seattle, way to be environmentally friendly and telemarketingly conscious. I like it. Now go make me a computer or a cup of coffee.

See you soon!

Sincerely yours always and forevvvver,
LL

secondary smrt protesters

I respect protesters. They have a cause and they are not afraid to yell it, to sign it, and to stand around promoting it. Despite they're obvious commitment, I mayyyy have a little more comedic respect for those secondary protesters. These are the people who stand next to the initial protester to blatantly mock their cause.

Case and point #1:

What doesn't kill you only makes your wrists stronger.

Case and point #2:

And on the gay note, here is one more added bonus for alittle extra giggle:



And a big round of applause. Nice work you creative secondary protesters. Way to hang around and adapt a secondary cause off of someone else's protesting efforts. I imagine this happens without the protester even knowing what is happening. They are just standing there being all opinionated not knowing others are actually making fun of them.

I like it.

sex on the (winter) brain

Momma B knits me shit, like socks and dish rags, but I'd like to officially request this hat:

Now I know it is going to be difficult to get all the humping, but I know you can do it. Get those needles moving fast and remember there is definite penetration here. I wonder if I wore this around if people would actually notice it was moose sex and not just moose. I mean I like moose, but I particularly like the dirty part!

you wanker bankers

Well I love me some Irishmen especially when they swear and talk about drinking and give their view on the financial situation in the US. That's right it is all just a bunch of wanker bankers:



Everyone who's been waiting for the Occupy movement to fall in line behind a unified message, well I'd like to nominate this guy as the official spokesman. Sometimes it takes a charming ethnic stereotype to clarify exactly how fecked we really are. Now go get me a pint.

espn has penises

What does ESPN and penis have in common??? Good sign potential and 4 letters:

I hope this happened when at MSU or somewhere equally trashy.

not based on science

I like the disclaimer to this new moustache cheat sheet:

ya right, tried it already

Yeah right, picture of the day, this doesn't work! Tried it. Also while speeding to a bathroom for explosive number two...

72 days and it's over

Wowsa, did you hear??? The Special K news??? Kimmy K has filed for divorce from her tall MN-soten husband. They made it a whole 72 days. Considering they were PAID $17.9 million for their wedding that means it was worth a nifty $10,358.80 per hour. 10Gs per hour. HOLY BALLS!!

Check this out for a detailed break down of the numbers. It was funny how #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage was trending on twitter for days producing such epic tweets as:

• #Blackberry service outage #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage (which I thought McBetty would enjoy).
• #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage her last name.
• #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage Taylor Swift's speech because Kanye grabbed her mic
  

Well you know now that we all look back at it, there was some signs we were missing that would have suggested this abrupt end. For God’s sake, this GIF taken from Keeping Up With The Kardashians should have given it away months ago…

What kind of jhole throws a woman into the ocean? I'm sure she is fine. I heard she’s completely buoyant carrying around all that well-known junk in the trunk, but still.

I still contend that these are s-m-r-t business people and she played her heart and wallet pretty well this time. Point Kim, advantage Special K family.

happy spooooky halloween

Well Happy (adults get to act stupid day) Halloween! I'm currently sitting in the international wing of the ATL, lovin me some live jazz music, and watching all the cute kiddos who get to wear their halloween all day long while rushing to their flights. I want to throw candy at them!

This got me thinking about some good halloween costumes, some of which I witnessed this weekend. Nik and I throw a big old halloween party which again ended with a bathroom debriefing around 3:30 AM. This wasn't because anyone was sick, but more just a chatty chat ritual. That dry ice fun was totally worth it. We had some amazing costumes, including a little HP, some strange cat with tin foil, Sookie (although we got no HBO retweet), the walk of shame, and a miss understood former beauty queen:



Other noteworthy costumes I ran across this year include:



Creative, but Pixar sooo is gonna sue you. Perhaps you should stick to something hot and spicy

Man, this piano playing man is totally blowing my mind. You just made this 24 hours of travel day for me. I'm gonna tip the shit out of him.

political season, let's start the drinking games

Well we have officially entered political season, that means the GOP primaries are in full force. The politicko signs are up around town, the email and television ads are going, and things are about to get CRUNK for the rest of us.

I enjoy politicks much more when I create drinking games during the speeches. Like when BO says "Hope" everyone takes a shot. Like when Perry says "Brother" to Cain you take a sip of your beer. You can set up your own, and maybe check out these ideas for some inspiration.

Since it is the getting close to the intense politicko season, let's quick do a review of the most noteworthy drinking game:

Case and point #1: Sink your battleship and my liver in one great game

Case and point #2: The worlds larger beer pong game, where I'm positive that the big ball of death in the sky will warm all the beer before you can consume it.

your nose is a turtle

Have you have noticed how amazing, yet equally nasty the human body is??? We had a great conversation recently about how two seperate people this week mentioned to me that I had nice feet. And I was like, huh, that is strange. Then someone suggested they eat off of them, and then I worried we were broaching a fetish area...

But I digress...so did you ever notice how the nose is a little like a teenage mutant ninja turtle??? Well if not, there is a new website you should find some time to peruse. I like their website tagline:

• "God is the artist. I just find the ninja turtle in his work."

It is pretty wicked and here are a couple of my favorite pics:



Yooo Biggie. They call me big poppa. Ahhh.



What nose ninja is....or something yoda like with all the words mixed up.

picture of the day

People are just sooo clever. They see opportunities for the most perfectly placed sticky notes. Case and point number 1, and then I find out that Paul Simon IS a moustache. I'm a big fan of the moustache, if only for the fabulous rides:



I'm like a bridge over troubled wattttter....

I'm kranky and have 100 dildos

I like old people. Man, they'll give it to you straight. Tell you your business and take names. Take this old dude, he don't like you because your asian AND because you don't put dildos in your safety deposit box at the bank. I mean where else you would keep your collection of plastic penises??? In a storage unit off route 29 or under lock and cover that you would only know about after watching the following video:



When you know you don't have much time left, it's important to know that your home, condo and extensive sex toy collection will be left in good, suddenly confused hands. Oh, what, you think this is weird? Well what was he supposed to do, leave them all to that stuffed crane? You can't just abandon an entire warehouse of expensive, finely-crafted rubber penises, and he already tried giving them to charity. This is for the best — those fake dicks belong with family.

midnight sun takes my breath

Take 4 minutes to be amazed to something that is so natural and pretty that it just takes my breath away:

halloween rock athnem

My current jam = this song**

Not surprising that this song is making the Halloween themed rounds in suburbia:



Nice work residents of some overpriced neighborhood. It's like, why wait till Christmas time to waste energy and exponentially increase the electricity bill. Let's get our creative juices flowing early and start celebrating the fall season with a little pop culture flare.

You have to admit this is pretty badass. Who has the time to design this shit??? I like it.

**Except when I go to the movies and see those fat, stupid chipmunks in horrible outfits dancing with robots. This telemarketing completely misrepresents the a-mazingness of my favorite boxy car. This makes me not want to buy it when the plastic pinto, knock on wood, passes on.

tis the season

Well one of the holidays which the drunken side of America loves is fast approaching. That's right, grown adults have a reason to act stupid on Halloween and St. Patty's day. My fun started a couple weeks ago when I found this pumpkin ass card. Then we has a moment with the cutest Batman and Big Bill. Finally today I found out that the creativeness of pumpkin craving has now reached epic proportions in creating uses for all elements of the naturally grown pumpkin. Case and point:

Let's break it down:

• Wow, way to use the bottom of the pumpkin in new creative ways. I'll never look at a pumpkin in the same way...now I only see a butthole.
  
• I keep thinking about this song where "I need a place for both hands, handz, handzzz." Which then makes me think about OBX. Which then makes me think about pooting and tooting and booting it.
  
• That's what she said: "I'm just doing it until I earn enough money to move outta the pumpkin patch"
• My only job as a father pumpkin is to keep her off the pole and out of clear high heels (insert Chris Rock fav joke of all time).
  
• $1 bills, what cheap bastards. Let's get some $5 up in here to make me holla.
• Shear thongs are the best.
• That isn't a pumpkin, that is someone with an orange tan from Jersey Shore. Nailed it.
  

sewing fail

Here is yet another example of how I should be a professional proofreading. Let's count the ways in which this picture is an epic fail:

1. I definitely want to be thinking about "my baby" and "cancer" in the same sentence.
2. WE GOT CRABS. That doesn't even make sense.
3. Anyone notice the green 69??? What the hell is that doing there?
   
4. I don't know shit about astronomy but this is a fail is so many other levels.
5. Perhaps we should put this baby on some medical marijuana to counteract the nausea of the baby chemotherapy.
6. Despite the good sewing, this is the worst telemarketing ever.
   

I just mentioned this...

...the other day. I need a break, not a foot break but maybe a I-got-knocked-up-which-is-the-only-time-I-get-a-vacation. The only times we actually get a break is between jobs, when having a baby or when I finally reach retirement. I couldn't agree more:

my weekend VA delight

Well hello beautiful VA in my favorite season of the year. I love you fall. Check out the colors from this weekend. This is where I live and can see the magic throughout the year:



Oh and yes please:



VA, you take my breath away.