Get off. Like you always do.

I used to have an apartment off this stop:

everywhere I look I see sex

Case and point, this picture of the day:

casual friday just got alot more fun

I like fashion, always have. And I like to surprise people. And I like to tell you your business. Enter the most perfect casual Friday attire I've ever seen, especially for unapologetic perverts:

Hmmm, is that a cock or your legs? I'm not sure. Stylish no matter how you spin it!

I plan to turn the office into an impromptu bachelorette party with these fashionable-yet-comfortable penis-covered slacks. Let's admit it, times may change but a field of throbbing cocks is a classic look that will never go out of style. Sure it could cause a few minor "issues" with HR or with my bosses, but really there shouldn't be rules for casual friday.

Well it's a real good thing that these come for both men and women alike. And they only cost $50 so in reality it is a steal--a penis covered retail deal!!!! Penis pants for everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone. I'm gonna pull an Oprah and yell/point "you get penis pants" and "you get cock leggings".

Again, you're welcome.

Toy R Us does birth control

I think this toy store has inadvertently offered the most excellent family planning advice ever:

I'm pretty sure this little nugget of wisdom from Toys "R" Us was a telemarketing mistake, considering it essentially holds the key to never having to shop at a Toys "R" Us. None the less, this ad offers some sound elephant-like advice for family planning. I mean you don't have to take a pill or worry about any heat of the moment accessories, and YOU SAVE!!!

I mean it worked for Bristol Palin, right?

I just found 2 dogs I want

Well I would have a real problem if these were cats because I just want it, if only for the story telling and possibly for extended laughter:

OR the furry version:

I mean I can't even make this shit up!

I'll take one of both please and thank you.

I need 4 friends...

OK friends, I got an idea. Well I sort of stole the idea. We all need to come together...no wrong choice of words...get together during the late afternoon. If you are bored and need a little fun, we can play the shadow puppets game with 5 people. I mean look at what these folks did, completely amazingballs:

There's only so many drinking games we can play before this happens.

Actually I think this mayyyy be a family on their yearly vacation. So for them, apparently there is only so much Uno a family can play before they start getting creative.

misplaced erotic signage

Did Home Depot go from hardware store to hardcore sex dungeon when I wasn't looking? Because these sound less like helpful household items and more like the lyrics of a Rihanna song. I'd ask the nearest employee, but he has a ball gag stuffed in his mouth.....just a hypothesis. Again, this picture of the day is more evidence why LL should be your all time proofreader:



Well thank God there is no interest if I use my HD card! Clean up in aisle 15, but hide your kids.

dirty knitting

Last month I found a moose humping winter hat which I suggested Momma B make for me. It combines winter gear with some dirty images that are bound to turn heads. It looks all nice and holiday-like when in reality it is all about humping on your melon.

It is probably more difficult to disguise your dirty knitting when it is a sweater and sewn with love across your chest. For example, check out this guy's frosty boner sweater:



I've been thinking about hosting a "holiday sweater" party for years now, and this would be a perfect addition. A good friend of mine did this for her wedding party where everyone had to wear an ugly holiday sweater or sweater vest. Again, I can state definitely without hesitation that Momma B would have about half a dozen sweater options for a party like this :)

Also, this guy has complimented his dirty sweater with a bow tie. Hot. More men need to wear bow ties, and top hats, and pimp canes (make note men in my life).

shop eddie

I need to start shopping at Eddie Bauer again.**

It's the holiday season and you gotta give the gift of....



**If you don't get it, watch this clip.

Step 1: Cut a hole in a box

Step 2: Put your junk in the box

sex on the (winter) brain

Momma B knits me shit, like socks and dish rags, but I'd like to officially request this hat:

Now I know it is going to be difficult to get all the humping, but I know you can do it. Get those needles moving fast and remember there is definite penetration here. I wonder if I wore this around if people would actually notice it was moose sex and not just moose. I mean I like moose, but I particularly like the dirty part!

espn has penises

What does ESPN and penis have in common??? Good sign potential and 4 letters:

I hope this happened when at MSU or somewhere equally trashy.

I'm kranky and have 100 dildos

I like old people. Man, they'll give it to you straight. Tell you your business and take names. Take this old dude, he don't like you because your asian AND because you don't put dildos in your safety deposit box at the bank. I mean where else you would keep your collection of plastic penises??? In a storage unit off route 29 or under lock and cover that you would only know about after watching the following video:



When you know you don't have much time left, it's important to know that your home, condo and extensive sex toy collection will be left in good, suddenly confused hands. Oh, what, you think this is weird? Well what was he supposed to do, leave them all to that stuffed crane? You can't just abandon an entire warehouse of expensive, finely-crafted rubber penises, and he already tried giving them to charity. This is for the best — those fake dicks belong with family.

hate those family stickers, like this one

I've mentioned in passing that I would rather die than be one of those people who those stupid family and animal stickers on the back windows of your car/familvan. Worse. Nightmare. Ever. It is like I'm reading a book about momma bear, and baby bear, and fido the dog.

However, I like this single-person's approach that is combating the wholesomeness of the typical car window family roll call sticker with some good old fashioned hostility:



Wow, congrats your mom is back out there. I was worried at first when your Dad left, so be gentle, Honda Element owner. Be gentle.

more reasons not to read

I knew that Pooh was a dirty freak:

pic of the day, airing out grandma

Well here is a great picture of the day that deserves some LL comments:

• Not all families can afford a hearse! It's tight times people.
  
• She's probably not dead. When you've got a family of fifteen, someone has to ride on the roof.
• Grandpa always said grandma liked to be on top :) dirrrrty
  
• A Florida funeral? Shouldn't the casket be sealed with duct tape and heart stickers?
• Getting her out of the nursing home for a road trip, better late than never!
• I think it's interesting that this family had the window paint to identify that the casket was grandma's!

Leave yours in the comments, if you got any better ones....

time to start measuring your penis again

Well every couple months, or biyearly, an article surfaces of some correlational research relating to penis size. This is similar to the idea that your foot is only as long as your wrist to your elbow (now as you go try this consider how crazy you look attempting to lay your forearm flat on the ground next to your foot--only extreme yogies can do this!). Whenever these reports happen everyone starts measuring and remeasuring and measuring again (for good measure) their penises. Don't worry, no matter which angle you take I still prefer mine at a good 12 inches, 13 to be safe....

Anyways, the new article caught the attention of the MSM (this is a Palin term for the main stream media--you know not FoxNews), and in particular Time magazine. Really, Time? Well that means it is for reals news. So here is what you need to do:

• Create a ratio of the length of a man's index finger to that of his ring finger.
• Then divide by 20 (your desired length).
  
• Then take the natural log and square it.

I think the more important issue here is whether or not people will know how to create ratios or just do some direct measurement. We aren't smrt enough for ratios, but you had our attention at penis. Also important to note, the sample of this study was 144 Korean men! Well that is representative. And according to this website, Asian men have some serious small ratios to begin with.

This finding has to be spurious.

So go ahead and start measuring, but you should know more about the research-related language. Apparently, there is something going on with your dimensional perspective and your penis. For example:

• "The data suggested that those with a lower ratio, whose index finger (or second finger, 2D) was shorter than the ring finger (or fourth finger, 4D), had a longer stretched penis length, which is well correlated with erect size."

Well what about 3D? Sure sure it is all flat or in the matrix.

dirty chruch signs

Thanks to Mrs. Bling for this little hump day fun (couple weeks ago). These churches, of all denominations, had some unintentional dirty-ness in their front yard signs. These houses of worship need some proofreaders for their telemarketing messages, because they just don't see what I see. For example, thank you seventh-day adventist church for this sign that is most applicable for the women of the congregation:



And here is one I'm not entirely sure about, church name and signage message:

finally a sign I can follow

Please motorists and pedestrians alike, heed the advice of this traffic sign. I know you may neglect the 25 MPH Speed Limit signs in school zone, or the PED X-ING signs…but this is not one to be ignored. I wonder where this was posted and how I can find a way to steal me a copy:

I would have died...

....If I ran into this guy in the store. OMG nope this is the picture of the day:



No fair, old people get away with everything!!! And of course he was spotted in Wallie World. I gotta start shopping there just for the people watching.

carefree baby may be mine

So last week the internets were all a buzz with evidence of the most careful baby in the world. She doesn't care, she say whatever she wants, and you're just going to have to take it! Her vocabulary is very advanced for her age.

I'm thinking she may have secretly been my long lost child. I mean she is hooded up like the unibomber, and swears just like a pirate:



Also notable on the internets last week was this crazy laughing baby. Really, ripping paper? That is truly funny. I just wet my pants.