important notes to leave

I like leaving love notes. Sometimes I do it on chalk boards, white board, sticky notes, or voice messages. I leave them on your cars, hidden in your office, or somewhere random it will take you months to find. I like to brighten your day (so STOP complaining damnit!).

I've had this discussion in the past about how to leave me notes around my house. And luckily I've run across a couple other cute possibilities for my everyday life.

Case and point #1:

Listen Evan/Nik, don't tell me what to do. Honeybadger don't give a shit. I can wear my birthday suit and walk around my house all I want. Do your rental units pay rent here? No, I don't think so. What if there is a dance off? What am I going to do if my pants are still on?

I mean I may consider putting on a robe or a towel (like when your boyfriend is here), but you can't stop the girls if they want to get out (you know what I'm talking about, insert wink wink).

PS, anyone notice the Jimmy John magnet goodness above this well purposed college roommate request.

Case and Point #2:

Except this love note would be edited this to say:

• Dear LL, You dumb hooker. I'm not too happy with your inability to provide me with 1 pound of crack cherries each week. This is unacceptable for my pooping ability. If you could fix the situation that'd be great. Thanks, Nik.

Oh sure sure, blame me for your inability to have a good BM. That has got to be the nicest random note demanding sugary substances. Jon you sexy thing. I wonder how sweet your real loooovenotes are.

I vote for ariel

People have some pretty strong opinions and emotions about font choice. I've had two people in the last month comment on my email font choice and size...as if I care what they think. I am an ariel fan through and through and throw. You know, ariel or it is arial? OK well whichever one isn't the mermaid who could sing.

One of my tech friends mentioned to me years ago that there was a documentary movie about the font Helvetica. Apparently this movie examines "how font affects our lives" and especially the bastard son Helvetica. I can undoubtedly say that it really don't effect my, at least not in any meaningful way.

Now I hear about the new Comic Sans Project sweeping the interwebs. As their tagline states, "Helvetica is soooo 2011" and since we are two days away from 2012, I'm on board. These graphic designers are changing all your favorite telemarkerting logos and font type into the teacher-friendly comic sans. It is just so friendly and bubbly and soft....just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

On a parting note, it is worth me mentioned I'm considering switching my email font to Chiller. It would be like Halloween or Twilight all year long. Sounds like a plan.

thinking through crotch hugs

The background:

The rental units have worked at a major college for a billion of years. These units only ever wear the colors of this university, and do not have anything else from the color wheel. This worked well for their respective jobs. Momma B used to feed all the athletes at this so called university. As such, they got to know her nice short little self. She would bounce around wearing green, feeding them pasta and gateraid while making sure they had a balanced training table diet. She leaves an impression, all 4 feet of her in black lace-ups.

The story:

Let's fast forward 10 years later to the LAX TSA lane circa earlier this month. There Momma B was going through security, setting off all the alerts because half her new body is metal replacements, when someone recognized her. Some extremely tall, basketball-looking, super-nice fine man recognized her (and Poppa B confirmed this sighting, as I question if sub-tymers isn't setting in). Once through security the guy gives her two hugs and they chatted briefly.

The clarification:

It should be noted that Momma B can't tell a story to save her life. She bounces around and following the point is often difficult. So after hearing this story, I needed a couple essential clarifications:

• He recognized you? Oh commmme on I barely recognize you when I see you once a year and you can't even remember MY name (I get called the dog's old name often).
  
• He hugged you? I mean, how did that work? The guy is 7 feet tall and you are 4 feet which roughly means you could walk between his legs. For reals, this spontaneous act of hugging is close to a physical impossibility.
  

Once Momma B had stopped wheezing from my line of questions, I made the best summary of the entire situation:

• You "crotch hugged" Mo-Pete.

I don't find this remotely fair. Why don't you short people hug people your own size. Leave the tall fine men for the tall (amazing) women, like me :) Hug someone your own size next time.

So apparently the fam thought this whole "crotch hug" terminology was pretty funny as it was repeated numerous times throughout the last week. I suppose the crotch hug could be considered a "crappy hug" but for me it is pretty fanfuckintastic. I have absolutely no problem crotch hugging good looking men.

The pictorial representation:

If you have no idea what I am talking about here is a great pictorial representation of the LLism of crotching hugging:

Green lady = Momma B

Yellow giant = Best flintstone basketball player ever

Mo-Pete, thanks for making my mom's year! That was super nice of you.

more musical collaborations

I do love Taylor Swift. Well not always....OK well sort of always but not always openly. Well anyways, a new single was released this week where she is working it with the Civil Wars. If you don't know this group you totally should. They are amazing. On top of these great collaboration, the single is also for the well anticipated Hunger Games movie coming out this spring. I'm not yet obsessed with these books and so far the previews aren't doing much for me....but I do LOVE this song:

I don't understand gingerbread houses

I like holidays. I also like holiday traditions, for example I put up my holiday tree mid-November this year. But there are some traditions throughout the year I just don't understand. Case and point, around the Christmas season, what is up with all these Gingerbread Houses?

I had this conversation at a local bakery the other day. I made my case that I don't understand spending so much time on something that is for display and cannot ultimately be eaten. All the baking and preparation and extreme sugar....it makes no logistical sense to me. Plus don't they always fall down? Frosting does not equal glue, folks. I mean, I was standing next to one at our college's competition and the jellybean house light just fall off. I didn't touch it or anything, and all the hard work was just crumbling in my presence.

Well this makes me want to review some of the most noteworthy gingerbread houses of the season. Award number one goes to the most insensitive, less PC house:



Subsequently, this is exactly the way my houses look whenever I try to build them. They typically end up in a pile or lump of natural disaster sweetness. If they happen to stay together, they may end up like this masterpiece (only I would put carrots, or whatever is left in my kitchen on my gingerbread house):



This one definitely gets award number two (which subsequently is close to poop). I find this one a remarkable resemblance of Beeker from the Muppets. You know, my favorite character which I have been chanting all over the house this holiday season. Mememe-Mememe-Mememe. If you don't know what I am talking about, check out this video:



See that house is a PERFECT Beeker. Told ya.

PS, that mess of hair on Beeker's head is also the way I sort of look in the mornings...or all day...whatev.

the best viral videos of 2011

Here are the best viral videos of 2011, check out to see how many of them you have seen (if not too many, congrats on having a life outside of your computer):



Each one of these videos had over 1 million views on youtube. That is is absolutely nuts. No wonder the economy is in the shitter. The more jobs are flowing through computers, the more we are multitasking to watch cats, and babies online. The world mayyy be coming to an end.

stop eating butter, norway needs it

I'm not sure if you are aware or not, but Norway is currently in a butter crisis. No for real, you j-hole of a fat American, this is a serious problem. Norwegian children are getting stuck between things and not being about to use butter as a greaser. Norwegian turkeys are lacking the butterball brown glow. The Norwegian Lutheran white rolls are going un-extreme-buttered. Cri-sis.

I was recently in Norway, and I didn't notice any butter shortages or butter fueled protests. I did notice the plethora of meat products including sardines and foamy meat. Perhaps I was focusing on the wrong thing...

Well anyways, all the American comedians have been making light of these crisis and one transgendered Norwegian has had enough of it! He is putting on some make-up, a fierce lip gloss, and setting up his webcam for a good youtube protest:



PREACH ON Tommy, preach on!!! This video is very reminiscent of the "leave britney alone" video which went viral during Britney's (bitch) meltdown period. At least Tommy wasn't under a sheet, but instead was working a fabulous asymmetrical haircut out in the open.

Well what is the message here, stop picking on butter....right?

worse pants ever

I'm not the most fashionable person ever. I'll admit it freely. However I do occasionally bedazzle the girls, put a little shadow on, or wear a hot pair of sex boots. With this disclaimer, I sure do have some pretty strong feelings about what is fashion and what is it complete shit.

Recently I ran across a pair of the worse pants ever. These are worse than the sperm pants, or the nude colored tights/pants. These are jeans and they are $100 of your hard earned money:



Wow, what the bloody hell is that?!?! The 20 inch zipper is amazing. I am alllll about inch measurement in it's different forms, but this is just ridiculous. We got a little jean zipper MC Hammer action happening here (more on hammer pants here).

And these are truly woman's jeans. However, I think these might be more appropriate for male cross dresser. I mean they do go nicely with a pair of heels AND there is plenty of room to hide your pleen. These aren't your Texasss cowboy tight, junk hugging jeans. We got plenty of room here. I would suggest, however, that you glam them up with a belt of some kind!

I think these would go nicely with some nice hand knitted boxers.

video of the day breakdown

Let's breakdown the ah-mazingness that is this newly selected video of the day:

• I love the 80's....the tight sweatshirts (Go pistons!), the mullets (party in the back, business in the front), and teased hair on the ladies (too much hair spray).
• I have two words for you: MOU-STACHE. Yes please. Ride for one.
  
• Geooorgia, georgia. On my mind.
  
• I LOVE extreme whistling.
• I need to be an audience member for this talk show. It looks like alot of fun.
  

I think we need to hit replay and watch that business again! That is soooome talent.

stop wasting electricity

Man this suburban family is on a roll. For reals, they had the best Halloween themed decorated house this fall and now they are blowing away the competition again for the holiday season. However, I think we may need a two-fold intervention:

1. STOP WASTING electricity....mother nature and martha facher are going to punch you in the throat. I mean your neighbors have to hate you too. All that music and flashing lights. I'm going to have a seizure, and not in a good way.
   
2. You need to find another bad pop group besides LMFAO. Yes this boy band is fascinating to me too but let's not turn into tween obsessed mode. I suggest your next background track be a reminder it's almost friday (despite leading the dislikes voting), something by Queen, something about being on a boat, a little Nicki (with her pink chicken necklace), and something about tootin and pootin (or big butts).

Consider this your well-needed two-parter intervention after seeing this go viral:



Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. Hey girl. I just don't care...I don't give a shit. I work out.

thinking about santa

I've been thinking about Santa lately....that jolly bowl of jelly. I mean what an lazy mascot for the holidays--no wonder the people of the world are equally lazy. The guy only works one night a year (granted that night probably is pretty stressful), and sits around 364 days eating, drinking, and fating up on sweets. How that sleigh even gets off the ground is besides me?!?!

And he has some behavioral tendencies I think need to be examined further. The guy breaks into homes and looks around for little children. Someone needs to call Chris Hansen a-sap, as well as Horatio Cane and get on the fat man in a red suit. And I'm not the only one that finds Santa's (or should we take the dyslexia route in naming: Satan....see too close for my comfort) behavior questionable:



My point exactly and well diagrammed if you ask me. That fat bastard drinks my beer, eats my cookies, and leaves a mess under my tree. Yep, alot like rommates and burglars. Case and point folks. Point LL, advantage NOT the fat man I'll now call Satan.

I want to live in effin

I used to live near a town called Leslie, which would have been cool is I lived on a similar named street within the town. LL, on LL St, in LL-ville. Same thing happened with my cousin in the Seattle area. It could totally happen...

Speaking on towns I'd like to live in, I recently read about a town called "Effin". Where is this you ask??? Why of course it is in Ireland, land of one of my favorite word "FECK" and 200,000 shades of green. This country town has a whopping 1000 people but has become an international sensation once Facebook (in all it's infinite wisdom) decided not to recognize it as a true city.

Facebook, what an j-hole. I knew that rich ginger Zuckerman/burg wears an asshat. Many previous citizens from the great city of EFFIN have started facebook campaigns and appealed to the FB gods. However, these efforts have fallen short as the town is still not recognized as a legit locality. Some irate FBers have stated "I'm a proud Effin woman" and that just made me giggle.

This sounds like a mathematical problem, or FB is really bad at geography. We need to get Sheldon on this business. I bet it is all about the html code and algorithms. See EFFIN is just too close to many swear words and FB is gonna cockblock the shit out of you until you move into a more normally coined town.

And thus another solid reason to hate on facebook and that famous backstabbing ginger.

a funny sausage party

Have you watched the Christmas Story yet this year? Well if not perhaps you would like to enjoy your favorite scene remade by hotdogs....well hotdogs with eyes and mouths. The sausage party presents youtube channel has been making ha-larry-asssss videos for years now and I just love their hotdog remakes with running commentary:



I mean who doesn't love a sausage party!

Now remember we have all learned previously that you can use the word weiner, sausage, hot dogs interchangeably as they are all cased meat products of some kind. And just in case you forgot, here is a tutorial on how to use your weiners with your children:



Thanks McBetty. Nice work. Hot dogs for everyone!

we all cry over spilled beer

I expect more out of the Germans. They should know how to carry beer, how to drink beer, and how to sing whilst swaying your arms to a good beer-drinking song. You should not be allowed to wear those lederhosen if you can't handle this:



There's no use crying over spilled milk. But spilled beer? Only a fucking weirdo would laugh about that. This is a deutschland tragedy of epic proportions. The way that guy was warming up and doing some squats in preparation for this beer lifting, I really thought he had it in him! This will continue to sadden me all night.

Kanst du letzt mich hernen? Ya!!!

I need this

I just found a perfect gift you can get me for xmas:

This flask holds a whopping 64 ounces (that's a half gallon) of booze.

Maybe I should just carry the bottle because we are completely defeating the purpose of a flask if it is that big and won't fit between the girls. Again, the flask is for sneakiness and not blatant drunkenness....that is where you just walk around with the bottle and say screw the brown paper bag condom!

Still a good gift no matter how you spin it, you alcoholics.

dirty knitting

Last month I found a moose humping winter hat which I suggested Momma B make for me. It combines winter gear with some dirty images that are bound to turn heads. It looks all nice and holiday-like when in reality it is all about humping on your melon.

It is probably more difficult to disguise your dirty knitting when it is a sweater and sewn with love across your chest. For example, check out this guy's frosty boner sweater:



I've been thinking about hosting a "holiday sweater" party for years now, and this would be a perfect addition. A good friend of mine did this for her wedding party where everyone had to wear an ugly holiday sweater or sweater vest. Again, I can state definitely without hesitation that Momma B would have about half a dozen sweater options for a party like this :)

Also, this guy has complimented his dirty sweater with a bow tie. Hot. More men need to wear bow ties, and top hats, and pimp canes (make note men in my life).

another alternative for the plastic pinto

We've had this conversation before. I really don't like those family doodle stickers on the back of minivans. They piss me off. I will never have one of those and if I ever change you have my permission to push me into on-coming traffic.

Couple months ago I came across a sticker I would consider using. It was about some hot copper colored Honda owner and your mom. Brilliant. Good play on words and sticker usage.

Recently I ran across another good option, albeit slightly more violent. I don't particularly like violence but you have to see the humor in:

No, still don't see it? Well this driver's bumper probably also has a sticker that says my child beat up your honor student. I just wonder what type of car it is...

cananda just went up in my book

Wow, those northern canucks just went a notch up in my book. I mean their lower legal drinking age was a pro throughout high school and college, but now as my priorities have shifted (yeah like booze isn't still a priority) I like that they are also givers. I just read about the 17th Annual “Teddy Bear Toss” in Calgary where fans of the minor-league hockey team the Calgary Hitmen throw teddy bears onto the ice to celebrate the team’s first goal, with the bears eventually being collected and donated to the Alberta Children’s Hospital.

Wanna see 25,000 teddy bears flying through the air at the greatest of ease??? Yes please.



Pretty badass. Can more American teams do this? Again, I'd like to state how I could run the shit out of a sports team's philanthropy and community efforts. I'm just sayin.

laziness around the holidays

Well it's officially December which means I can start talking about the holidays without fear of being scorned or have rocks thrown at me. I've been warming up for the holidays with thoughts of gifts in a box as well as some good holiday-themed music. Tis the season and remember the reason, you crazy bitch.

Not everyone is as cheerful or organized as the big LL. Let's examine a couple examples of laziness during the season exemplified.

Case and point #1:

Wow, you are super lazy. L-a-z-y. For reals. I mean at least get a fake tree like Nik made me do (then just keep stating "recycle, reuse, refresh"). Nope this dude stopped by the gas station on the way home, while picking up a 40 oz. and chewing tobacco, and got a wintergreen scented air freshener. Then he sat at home thinking about a good way to display it...that was until he got an inch on his back and discovered his trusty back scratcher. At least it is smells like a Christmas tree and you don't have to worry about all the presents fitting under it!

Case and point #2:



Yeah you suck too. Lazy mother fers. And PS your arrow point left is burnt out so you suck more.

Sometimes extreme apathy can lead to extreme ingenuity. With one simple word and a minuscule fraction of the effort, the guy on the right is expressing the exact same level of Christmas spirit as his show-offy, bigger-budgeted neighbor. Plus that guy borrowed a rake from him like three years ago, so it all evens out.

Case and point #3:

Jesus didn't even have electricity....what does he care!?!?

This is totally the lupus way of approaching the holidays. Good intentions immediately shot to shit with a little bit of pirate-like swearing thrown in there. Sounds about right.

Well tis the season everyone!