I found you some ramen

Yeah well us whoures need to eat too:

Oh and this is also the title of the Chicken Soup series' latest collection of short stories, featuring anecdotes from college campuses nationwide.

I miss olive garden

I think I might be turning into Kendra with my eternal love of the Olive Garden. I love pasta in general but the real draw here is the salad dressing. I could bath in that stuff. I could drink it straight from the bottle. When I was younger, I remember taking a salad in 3rd grade for lunch and then using a smaller container for my purchased Olive Garden dressing. #WhatALoser #ThirdGradeNerd

Well anyways, you can imagine my excitement whenever I leave the great city of Cville and am able to purchase the salad dressing. I buy truck loads of it and stuff it in all the crevasses of my suitcase. Case and point, my recent vacay to Myrtle Beach. I came home with two bottles and wouldn't share with Nik.

What does it look like when I approach an Olive Garden??? That is a good question. I mayyyy get a little ninja in my excitement. Here's an example:




Everyone knows unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks tastes even better when they don't see you coming. Plus I'm much better at scaling building after a bottle of wine, which works well in an chain Italian restaurant.

I want to carpool with you

You know the economy is tough these days. People just don't have time to be at home martha faching it up by baking in the kitchen (they still better make me a sandwich though). Well I ran across this picture of the day and thought, damn I wanna carpool with this person:

Damn, why didn't I think of this!

And WAYYYY to take advantage of this heat wave. That is what I call resourceful!

I'm not sure this would work in the plastic pinto. She might just shallow them all up with all her burnt grass-ness.

hey fattie, go here

Gosh, everyone has been telling me what to do lately...what to eat, when to eat and now I ran across this instruction in the airport:

Let me translate for you:

Attention all heifers, coral yourself to the right and suck it in as you enter the effortless mode of transportation. Anyone who's legs are still the size of their arms can take the damn stairs and get a hot dog at the top. The rest of you fatties merge to the right and continue your obese lifestyle.

Thank god those pictures are gender neutral, this way I feel less bad about my potential in the right side.

potato chips save the day

Violence is never the answer but shit happens. Crazy people go nuts all the time. But somehow this always happens on public transportation. I mean check this video with two people drop kicking the shit out of each other:



Unlike your average run-of-the-mill internet subway fight video, this one gets broken up in the most nonchalant way possible: By a dude choosing to stand between the combatants and eat potato chips. If all it takes to break up a fight is to stand there and eat chips, then who knows, someday even I might be a hero!

I vote we rename this video to "Man Breaks Up Subway Fight By Fearlessly Eating Potato Chips". Done and doneski.

found this on my refrig

Nik, what an jhole trying to help me with my diet....freezer burrrrn:

I need these pants

I really need these pants. I eat EVERYWHERE but a table....the bathroom, my bed, the floor, while driving. It is hot times when you're around the big LL in the arena of food consumption.

Luckily I've now found some capri pants that support my eating lifestyle. These winged pants make for great picnic attire. When sitting they spread out into a make-shift table so that you don't get potato on you, or spill your tacos. And you have to admit they are fashionable:




I also think I could become a flying squirrel if I could also web my arms. I could totally do it!

best t-shirt ever

True statement:

what to bury me in

No one likes talking about their own mortality (except me), but with this bacon-wrapped death box, you'll be salivating over it. What better way to go to your final resting place than in a casket that resembles what was probably your final meal? Plus this quality piece of craftsmanwork will seal out the elements, perfectly preserving your fatally cloggged arteries for weeks to come:

Don't worry their website says this pork flavored box is just under $3000 which is TOTALLY affordable. And I like the company's tagline...."everything should taste like bacon". Couldn't agree more.

Sonic has the most patient employees

I have never worked in the fast food industry. I wouldn't have minded before this whole career path thing I got going on. It would have been one of those experiences that shape you, you know in never wanting to eat fried food again because you can still smell it in your clothes (this is my worry about being a barista and not liking coffee again).

Well anyways, you gotta give it up to those employees for having to deal with all us bitchy people who just want cheap, quick food. I mean take this Sonic employee who is losing minutes of her life while this songwriter sings his order. I'd like like "DICK, what do you want?" and I'm gonna spit in your food:



Remember when "coning" became the new planking in those viral social trends. Well the fast food employees had to keep making new ice cream cones for all those asshats jholes too!!! Damn people, give these folks a break...Here is an example of coning:



Those poor, patient employees....

I don't understand gingerbread houses

I like holidays. I also like holiday traditions, for example I put up my holiday tree mid-November this year. But there are some traditions throughout the year I just don't understand. Case and point, around the Christmas season, what is up with all these Gingerbread Houses?

I had this conversation at a local bakery the other day. I made my case that I don't understand spending so much time on something that is for display and cannot ultimately be eaten. All the baking and preparation and extreme sugar....it makes no logistical sense to me. Plus don't they always fall down? Frosting does not equal glue, folks. I mean, I was standing next to one at our college's competition and the jellybean house light just fall off. I didn't touch it or anything, and all the hard work was just crumbling in my presence.

Well this makes me want to review some of the most noteworthy gingerbread houses of the season. Award number one goes to the most insensitive, less PC house:



Subsequently, this is exactly the way my houses look whenever I try to build them. They typically end up in a pile or lump of natural disaster sweetness. If they happen to stay together, they may end up like this masterpiece (only I would put carrots, or whatever is left in my kitchen on my gingerbread house):



This one definitely gets award number two (which subsequently is close to poop). I find this one a remarkable resemblance of Beeker from the Muppets. You know, my favorite character which I have been chanting all over the house this holiday season. Mememe-Mememe-Mememe. If you don't know what I am talking about, check out this video:



See that house is a PERFECT Beeker. Told ya.

PS, that mess of hair on Beeker's head is also the way I sort of look in the mornings...or all day...whatev.

stop eating butter, norway needs it

I'm not sure if you are aware or not, but Norway is currently in a butter crisis. No for real, you j-hole of a fat American, this is a serious problem. Norwegian children are getting stuck between things and not being about to use butter as a greaser. Norwegian turkeys are lacking the butterball brown glow. The Norwegian Lutheran white rolls are going un-extreme-buttered. Cri-sis.

I was recently in Norway, and I didn't notice any butter shortages or butter fueled protests. I did notice the plethora of meat products including sardines and foamy meat. Perhaps I was focusing on the wrong thing...

Well anyways, all the American comedians have been making light of these crisis and one transgendered Norwegian has had enough of it! He is putting on some make-up, a fierce lip gloss, and setting up his webcam for a good youtube protest:



PREACH ON Tommy, preach on!!! This video is very reminiscent of the "leave britney alone" video which went viral during Britney's (bitch) meltdown period. At least Tommy wasn't under a sheet, but instead was working a fabulous asymmetrical haircut out in the open.

Well what is the message here, stop picking on butter....right?

I shop here all the time

As McBetty says, its a single serving container...or meal....

I don't need no stinkin iPod

This may or may not be my live-in loverpant, N:



I know, I know, soooo ghetto yet inventive, right?

But let me ask you this: Does your mp3 player provide you with lumbar support??? It's hard to get down to Lady Gaga with lower back pain.

Someone please enter this man into a contest to win an iPod touch. On second thought, I would gladly give up my iPod shuffle for that pan full of bacon.

everyone needs an afternoon snack

Americans get such bad reps. Seriously. I know, we're fat and lazy and such. But we work hard, we don't take vacations, and we deserve to be able to ride public transportation eating straight out of a bottle of Mayo while wearing completely mismatched clothing without being criticized:



You know some people just aren't as fortunate as you. Some people can't afford organic veggies and Acai juice. Instead our mid day snack includes a large helping of that magical white fat-fused goop. Why spread it on a sandwich or mix it with some tuna when you can lick it straight from the jar?

I remember back in the day watching a handful of teenagers who would eat french fries with spiced mayo. Instead of dipping in some ketchup, it was mayo (on a side note, did you know that some school districts tried to make "ketchup" a vegetable as part of a healthy diet being offered at lunch? now that is sad). McNasty. To me, mayo is flavorless. Really what does it add? Besides some bags on my hips.

Dear amazing bus lady, may I suggest down grading to Miracle Whip? Half the fat, but still the same level of equal grossness.

Can we guess in what city this is occurring in? I vote D-town.

one way to stop office thieves

Well here is one way to stop all those food thieves around the office, mislabel your food:



Not sure how effective this will be but you have to respect the creativity. I'm pretty sure the people who steal food would probably be the ones who think these types of diseases could be carried in a yogurt container.

Back in the big Minney I used to be the pop stealer. I mean I was poor and putting myself through school, and sometimes a girl just needs a Coke pick-me-up. I wonder if they knew it was me??? Probably. I'm not that stealth.

I don't have this problem at work, but I'm thinking about putting "Lupus" on all my containers just in case.

pizza pizza, right here in Cville

So I just read that the Food Network put out ratings for the Top Pizzas for each of 50 states. That is 50 pizzas you have to eat, you know when you're traveling around these states. Turns out that the big VA selection is right here near Cville.

The Cozet Pizza joint is a locally run restaurant in a hole in the wall just a couple miles outside of Cville. I really like this place. It is delicious. Years ago, I went there once with JB and B and watched them drunkenly sword fight with the spatulas. And I always try to take any Cville guests here for a little hand tossed whole wheat goodness.

Apparently their white mushroom pizza is the best in the big VA. Holla! It is smothered in those shitty-take mushrooms and a plethora of garlic. Sign me up, and please accompany it with a local Star Hill brew.

what, there is a new food pyramid?

A couple weeks ago I was following McBetty and all those meat please folks on twitter while they were at the launching of the new food pyramid in DC. Apparently, Ms. BO was there and telling everyone what they should be eating and in what proportions. Times have changed and we are lazier, fattier, and stupider, thus necessitating a new image.

So now the new food pyramid is actually a plate. It comes with a drink and a folk. No spoon for you. And your new folk is closer to a spork than something actually usable. No side dishes or extra bowls, fattie (without the ph/). Also, it should be noted that you are no longer allowed to eat sugar or fat either. The US govt does not recommend your ho-ho's or ice cream or cake as part of your new plate:



Well good work Ms. BO. I applaud your efforts in making an easier understood, slimmed down nutritional icon that illustrates eating guidelines. However, I'm a fan of the revised plate, which features the more commonly accurate American diet:

a (good) weekend rewind

Sooo I spent the weekend with my good friend, who was visiting from the big CA (baby). I haven't seen him in 8 years, and before that day visit, it was another 6 years. We go back to the mid 90's circa 4-H years. We were both involved in the 2-year exchange program where a bunch of teenagers traveled and wreaked havoc across the states. I remember one camping trip where we TPed the entire campground and put toilet seat covers in paths using the kabob sticks! This was also a time when I had corn-rows/braids in my hair! (note, I was a semi-horrible teenager---much different than the adult LL).

Well this friend now works as an engineer for some small company called the US Military, and comes to Norfolk all the time. Over the last 4 years we have seriously missed each other in ridiculous ways, where once I was flying to CA at the exact same time he was flying to VA. He had a stay over in the big VA this week and decided to get out of the "armpit" (as he referred to it) to visit good old Cville.

Saturday we did a little wine tasting and then got an early seat at Mas, my favorite restaurant. He had never done Tapas before and I was craving those mussels (which consequently had clams in them and were not as good as normal, boooo). We tried a couple other restaurants for after dinner drinks but ended up at Durty Nellys, a Cville whole in the wall / watering hole. Finally on Sunday AM we hit up Bluegrass for some of my fav whole wheat biscuits and tofu/lime hash. What a world wind of great yet odd Cville experiences.

It truly was an enjoyable visit with lots of relaxing, and talking, and catching up. I had an old friend from MI once tell me that I always knew who I was, so there really isn't a change when I see people from past lives. I felt like this during this visit. It was an oddly satisfying weekend that perfectly complimented my new lifestyle. I felt more at ease and supported then I allow myself normally, where there would be 10-15 silence between conversations. Here's to more of these good times!