I may have wrote this in school

I love smart ass children. Mine are going to be both badass, sassy and pretty fing creative. I swear, I mayyyy have answered one of my test questions like this when I was in elementary school. Well like this or just not answered it while giving you my middle finger. Honestly either choice is equally likely:

Maybe these kids will look back on this and laugh once they're old enough to realize what the hell they were saying. Some kids seem brutally honest, while others just appear to have a tenuous grasp of the English language. Obviously, the latter half are our future politicians.

Good point, well made, little kid. I couldn't agree more.

what I'd call my prof

Hahaha, this crack me up. I would totally do this. I'd take Jilly Bean, Helga, and the big B and we'd put together some mission where everyday one of us would accomplish operation "Dr. Hedgehog". Brilliant. Almost as good as "Liberal Farts":

thinking about santa

I've been thinking about Santa lately....that jolly bowl of jelly. I mean what an lazy mascot for the holidays--no wonder the people of the world are equally lazy. The guy only works one night a year (granted that night probably is pretty stressful), and sits around 364 days eating, drinking, and fating up on sweets. How that sleigh even gets off the ground is besides me?!?!

And he has some behavioral tendencies I think need to be examined further. The guy breaks into homes and looks around for little children. Someone needs to call Chris Hansen a-sap, as well as Horatio Cane and get on the fat man in a red suit. And I'm not the only one that finds Santa's (or should we take the dyslexia route in naming: Satan....see too close for my comfort) behavior questionable:



My point exactly and well diagrammed if you ask me. That fat bastard drinks my beer, eats my cookies, and leaves a mess under my tree. Yep, alot like rommates and burglars. Case and point folks. Point LL, advantage NOT the fat man I'll now call Satan.

where does my laptop go?

Let's play a game.

Guess where LL brings her laptop constantly:

• The toilet
• The bathtub
• My bed
• The coffee shop
• The plastic pinto

Here are some case and point examples for you....

I really don't see a problem with this. Sure sure I could die due to the combination of water and electricity, but what is life without a little risk. I'm more worried when its extreme hot water and the mirror is dripping in condensation. Think about what that is doing to my motherboard.

And sadly this case and point is also my life:

It may seem incredibly depressing to think that the only thing warming my bed during these cold winter months is the laptop I snuggle up beside, but that's an antiquated thought process. This is the future. You're not alone if you have a trusted computer that intimately knows your tastes in music, sitcoms, and pornography. I say let the machines repay us for building them by providing the occasional adrenaline and dopamine needed to simulate an emotional connection with another living being.

time to start measuring your penis again

Well every couple months, or biyearly, an article surfaces of some correlational research relating to penis size. This is similar to the idea that your foot is only as long as your wrist to your elbow (now as you go try this consider how crazy you look attempting to lay your forearm flat on the ground next to your foot--only extreme yogies can do this!). Whenever these reports happen everyone starts measuring and remeasuring and measuring again (for good measure) their penises. Don't worry, no matter which angle you take I still prefer mine at a good 12 inches, 13 to be safe....

Anyways, the new article caught the attention of the MSM (this is a Palin term for the main stream media--you know not FoxNews), and in particular Time magazine. Really, Time? Well that means it is for reals news. So here is what you need to do:

• Create a ratio of the length of a man's index finger to that of his ring finger.
• Then divide by 20 (your desired length).
  
• Then take the natural log and square it.

I think the more important issue here is whether or not people will know how to create ratios or just do some direct measurement. We aren't smrt enough for ratios, but you had our attention at penis. Also important to note, the sample of this study was 144 Korean men! Well that is representative. And according to this website, Asian men have some serious small ratios to begin with.

This finding has to be spurious.

So go ahead and start measuring, but you should know more about the research-related language. Apparently, there is something going on with your dimensional perspective and your penis. For example:

• "The data suggested that those with a lower ratio, whose index finger (or second finger, 2D) was shorter than the ring finger (or fourth finger, 4D), had a longer stretched penis length, which is well correlated with erect size."

Well what about 3D? Sure sure it is all flat or in the matrix.

that's my girl

Sooo we all presented at CRC here in town a couple weeks ago and I just found this video where you can play a where's waldo of my girl T. I spy her at least twice. That's right, tell them their business. Get on with your bad, education-teaching self....you sexy bitch:

sharing our work

This is what I do, every single damn day.....look at my boss/PI, knocking that shit right out of the ballpark....it is not just about standardize testings folks:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

how to decode your first date

Well for those of you who are all happy and coupled up already, the rest of us are still dealing with the wonders that is dating. Good thing we have websites like this one, where it outlines what the hidden messages of your conversation on the first date really means. For example:

• "Do you like the taste of Beer?" might actually mean "Will my date have sex with me on the first date?" Apparently, beer-lovers are 60% more likely to be okay with sleeping with someone they've just met. What if I like all alcohol equally?
  
• "Do you like horror movies?" might actually mean "Do my date and I have long-term potential?" Hmmmm, I just don't see it.
  
• "Do spelling and grammar mistakes annoy you?" might actually mean "Are you religious?" OK this one I have to give you, that might (might) be true.

Wow the nature of this a-mazing correlational research just astounds me. WTG OkCupid, good research, and wayyyy to present your findings in a fun, not logical way. I could totally work for you.

multi-tasking on the toilet

You know, I'm one of the ultimate multi-taskers. Well how the hell do you think I get so much done? I can organize and multi-task the shit out of you. Due to this fact, a recent study was not surprising to me, or maybe even too low.

I just read about a study finding suggesting that 27% of American use their mobile device to check facebook when on the toilet. Only 27%??? I probably spend over 50% of my toilet time multi-tasking. I talk on the phone and flush with my foot to avoid good cell reception. I frequently bring my entire laptop with me while watching a movie. I also talk on the phone when in airport bathrooms. I guarantee if you are reading this, I've been working on a good number two whilst talking to you on the phone.

I can even tell when other's are in the bathroom and attempting to multi-task (and consequently not doing it as good as me). Case and point, I talked to a friend the other day and I asked what she was doing (a normal LL first question to establish the situation). I said "well it sounds like you're in the bathroom" and she replied no way, but I insisted that is was OK if she was. Turn out, sure enough I got her to crack and admit it to me right there. It was great.

Now I'm not a fan of facebook but I have tweeted from the can. With this new phone, I can be an even better multi-tasker. Here's hoping in the next year I'm up to 75% of phone usage on the toilet. I can do it.

meTunes is sort of like me-search

Well I love me some JonStew, and his post-act Colbert. This week he had a (master) debate by two of my favorite bands: Vampire Weekend and the Black Keys. Over the last two years, I've featured these two artists many times on my music of the moments (here and here). Turns out they are both up for Grammy's this coming month, and why won't Colbert try to sell his vote. He is meTuning it up, just like many academics me-search it up:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
MeTunes - Grammy Vote - Dan Auerbach, Patrick Carney & Ezra Koenig<a>
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog</a> Video Archive

not drinking V8 makes you sexy

Sooo I just read this amazing correlational article where the main finding was "how you tilt your head plays a role in how attractive you are to the opposite sex." Apparently this is all rooted in Evolutionary Psychology where men are tall and women are short, blah blah blah. Of course, I have a number of observations and comments:

• So if this is about height, the tile is front to back and back to front. In other words, like nodding yes. I was really hoping it was left to right, then we could have more Night at the Roxbury moments.
  
• Speaking of the sideways head tilt....dogs are really good at this. I wonder what that means in their evolution of attractiveness because I think these dogs are super duper cute.
  
• Awhile back I mentioned that Willow Smith was going to have some neck problems when she grows up with all that hair whipping, but in light of these new research maybe she is just looking more attractive to the other 9 year old boys. Just don't take out anyone's eye!
  
• I'm not sure what this says about me....I'm taller or the same height as most men....oh god....I'm doomed because it really is all about size. Damnit all.

rental big bother via FB

So something happened awhile ago that for about 1/2 second made me want to join Facebook, but I quickly came to my senses! Today I read about some shit-and-a-half-fake-research that added to the "HELLS NO" list. Well here is a finding that won't be happening to me:

"The survey of 2,000 parents and teenagers by TRUSTe and Lightspeed Research found that 72% of parents check in on their teen’s social networking accounts at least once per month."

Well of course they do!!! And when you download the Foursquare or Gowalla, they will also be able to track your every move via GPS and your cell phone. LL is laying in bed, OR LL is grocery shopping, OR LL is in a downward dog.....all griping stuff! I can see why parents would be allll over that business.

But on the Facebook topic, it is quite possible that this t-shirt could happen to me:

correlation may mean causation

In one of the most remarkable correlational studies of our time, some crap and a half dating website released "findings" that iPhone users have more sex than any other phone user. You own a Blackberry? Sorry not as much sex for you. Anroid? You are totally screwed (and not in the way you may want to be). So if you are looking to get lucky, perhaps you could consider upgrading your phone. It might help, as long as you don't hook it to your belt. I'm not sure how I fit into these findings because I have a shit phone, but also have an iTouch....that has to be closer to the iPhone level, no?

Luckily, if you are having problems understanding these findings we also have a quick and dirty graphic to assist in your learning:

Are those significant findings??? I need some **** and information about the sample size. Come on people!