for my 4th wedding

I like fashion, I really do. But this might over the top. Some bride just had a 2 mile train on her wedding day. Yeah 2 miles, folks. I'm calling dibs on this for my 4th wedding, well maybe 5th:

redneck backyard mouse trap

Oh wow. This is nuts.

This people have too much time on their hands. How did they build this? And seriously, I'd be super afraid to go through this and actually do it! This is a human, waterslide, mouse trap game o' fun:

what is going on with flavored booze

It's crazy lately. There are soooo many new types of flavored booze out there. Have you been to a bar lately? I spent an entire day over Memorial day weekend with two of my best friends at an Irish pub in Bmore. The owner, who happened to l-o-v-e us, was giving us shots of Jameson and teases of all the weird flavored booze. Let me give you the highlights:

Case and Point #1: Fing Fruit Loops Vodka. Are you kidding me?

 

Just when you thought the vodka companies had tapped into every crazy flavor you thought could or couldn’t be infused, they come through with yet another leaving you scratching your head and wondering “how the hell did they do that”. Three Olives latest flavor should taste VERY familiar to most of us. If the name didn’t give it away, the bright and colorful “O’s” on the label should do the trick. Fruit Loop flavored vodka, who knew? 

 

 

Case and Point #2: Freaking glazed donut vodka

It's like the Simpson but for alcoholics like me! I like it. Wouldn't this just taste like all the other sugars boozes? I mean really.

 

Don't forget about whipped cream, cake, gummy, and Mt. Dew flavored vodkas. Google it and ask your local bartender. For reals.

I may have wrote this in school

I love smart ass children. Mine are going to be both badass, sassy and pretty fing creative. I swear, I mayyyy have answered one of my test questions like this when I was in elementary school. Well like this or just not answered it while giving you my middle finger. Honestly either choice is equally likely:

Maybe these kids will look back on this and laugh once they're old enough to realize what the hell they were saying. Some kids seem brutally honest, while others just appear to have a tenuous grasp of the English language. Obviously, the latter half are our future politicians.

Good point, well made, little kid. I couldn't agree more.

music of the moment

I love love love this song right now. Total jam. I've been making Nik listen to it for like a month and thank god the video finally came out:



Nice lyrics Drake, you sexy bitch you.

found this on my refrig

Nik, what an jhole trying to help me with my diet....freezer burrrrn:

straight up now tell me

This is as bad as tootin and pootin it with a little Paula Abdul mixed in:



Won't you drop that thing down to the floor??? Straight up.

thinking through crotch hugs

The background:

The rental units have worked at a major college for a billion of years. These units only ever wear the colors of this university, and do not have anything else from the color wheel. This worked well for their respective jobs. Momma B used to feed all the athletes at this so called university. As such, they got to know her nice short little self. She would bounce around wearing green, feeding them pasta and gateraid while making sure they had a balanced training table diet. She leaves an impression, all 4 feet of her in black lace-ups.

The story:

Let's fast forward 10 years later to the LAX TSA lane circa earlier this month. There Momma B was going through security, setting off all the alerts because half her new body is metal replacements, when someone recognized her. Some extremely tall, basketball-looking, super-nice fine man recognized her (and Poppa B confirmed this sighting, as I question if sub-tymers isn't setting in). Once through security the guy gives her two hugs and they chatted briefly.

The clarification:

It should be noted that Momma B can't tell a story to save her life. She bounces around and following the point is often difficult. So after hearing this story, I needed a couple essential clarifications:

• He recognized you? Oh commmme on I barely recognize you when I see you once a year and you can't even remember MY name (I get called the dog's old name often).
  
• He hugged you? I mean, how did that work? The guy is 7 feet tall and you are 4 feet which roughly means you could walk between his legs. For reals, this spontaneous act of hugging is close to a physical impossibility.
  

Once Momma B had stopped wheezing from my line of questions, I made the best summary of the entire situation:

• You "crotch hugged" Mo-Pete.

I don't find this remotely fair. Why don't you short people hug people your own size. Leave the tall fine men for the tall (amazing) women, like me :) Hug someone your own size next time.

So apparently the fam thought this whole "crotch hug" terminology was pretty funny as it was repeated numerous times throughout the last week. I suppose the crotch hug could be considered a "crappy hug" but for me it is pretty fanfuckintastic. I have absolutely no problem crotch hugging good looking men.

The pictorial representation:

If you have no idea what I am talking about here is a great pictorial representation of the LLism of crotching hugging:

Green lady = Momma B

Yellow giant = Best flintstone basketball player ever

Mo-Pete, thanks for making my mom's year! That was super nice of you.

laziness around the holidays

Well it's officially December which means I can start talking about the holidays without fear of being scorned or have rocks thrown at me. I've been warming up for the holidays with thoughts of gifts in a box as well as some good holiday-themed music. Tis the season and remember the reason, you crazy bitch.

Not everyone is as cheerful or organized as the big LL. Let's examine a couple examples of laziness during the season exemplified.

Case and point #1:

Wow, you are super lazy. L-a-z-y. For reals. I mean at least get a fake tree like Nik made me do (then just keep stating "recycle, reuse, refresh"). Nope this dude stopped by the gas station on the way home, while picking up a 40 oz. and chewing tobacco, and got a wintergreen scented air freshener. Then he sat at home thinking about a good way to display it...that was until he got an inch on his back and discovered his trusty back scratcher. At least it is smells like a Christmas tree and you don't have to worry about all the presents fitting under it!

Case and point #2:



Yeah you suck too. Lazy mother fers. And PS your arrow point left is burnt out so you suck more.

Sometimes extreme apathy can lead to extreme ingenuity. With one simple word and a minuscule fraction of the effort, the guy on the right is expressing the exact same level of Christmas spirit as his show-offy, bigger-budgeted neighbor. Plus that guy borrowed a rake from him like three years ago, so it all evens out.

Case and point #3:

Jesus didn't even have electricity....what does he care!?!?

This is totally the lupus way of approaching the holidays. Good intentions immediately shot to shit with a little bit of pirate-like swearing thrown in there. Sounds about right.

Well tis the season everyone!

Update status: I found Mrs. Bling

I love love love Mr. and Mrs. Bling Bling. These are my good friends who holla from B-more, who we all pray will soon soon soon catch a damn break. A good "break" folks, not a hip break or a break up, but something more like spring break! Finger crossed 4x.

Anyways, for years now I make fun of Mr. and Mrs. Bling Bling because all our weekend conversations go a little something like this:

• LL: "Watcha do this weekend?"
• A: "Ran some errands"
• LL: "I need more information"
• M: "We ran lots of errands like blah blah blah blah"

I've never met more people who appear to run errands all damn weekend, 8 hours a day for 2 days straight. For reals. They have to go here and there, with green eggs and ham, on a boat and when in a jam.

Well today I ran across this picture of the day and couldn't help but think about how this is probably Mrs. Bling Bling multi-tasking during her plethora of weekend errand running:



She is tracking her grocery list online through some milk cartoon program that makes people more sane, whilst talking to Mr. Bling Bling on the phone (who subsequently is ordering the purchase of more pizza rolls), whilst trying to figure out whether to buy organic or fat free yogurt, peach or blueberry. If only she had a smart phone so that she could also update her status on facebook and tweet me that we need more COWBELL in a dairy section.

Also, I think this lady is at Target, hence the fire engine red cart, which is a frequented errand-running-arena for my favorite friends.

LOVE YOU!!!!

I need a chicken necklace

Well we all know the Lady is a crazy dresser, but Ms. Nicki is making a run for equal craziness. I like Nicki, she's got style, grace, and man she's got a quick tongue. The girl can spit some lyrics like Lil Kim in the 90s.

Well anyways, this week she out did herself when she took a fo reals chicken wing, painted in bright pink and strapped it around her neck. If the Lady wears raw beef and Nicki wears chicken, I guess that leaves us with the other white meat or the other other white meat. Or pork. Goat? HOT:



Well don't worry, if this new fashion trend is tickling your wallet, you can buy it! Yep if you got some extra dollars, check out this site and lay down a good $80 for some painted chicken strung on some fake gold chains. See HOT, told ya.

the special K family is growing

Well I can't get over the new Hollywood family, who I coin the Special K's, is staying relevant. People just aren't getting sick of them like I thought they would 6 years later!

Years ago Kim Kardashian came on the scene as a fashion shopper for celebutantes, then she made a sex tape with Brandy's brother that "leaked" and she was here to stay. The same year her sex tape leaked, her family started their "reality" show KUWTK. The kids have branched off and had their own shows as well, providing further evidence this family is just raking in money.

This family and the "K's". I swear. Most of the children, like 20 of them, have names that start with K's (kim, kourtney, khloe, kylie, kendell, kris, KILL ME NOW). Then of all the irony, Kim finds a guy who's name also starts with a K! Insert Kris Humphries, a MN native.

Kris went to the UMN when I was there, and he wasn't known as the smartest guy around. Granted he was a talented athlete from the Twin Cities area, and our basketball team really sucked. I mean most UMN teams make it hard from you to be a die hard fan....you got to really really want it because they're going to put up a fight. But I remember this guy blundering around campus, and staring off into space.

Fast forward years later, Kris now plays for the NBA which makes him the perfect mark for all jersey chasers. And he is perfect for the Special K family because his name starts with a K! It's a match made in heaven. Apparently Kim loves Minnesotans and our hanging on to "oooo" while she chills on Lake Minnetokan with her hubby.

So after some courtship, Kris proposes to Kim which just aired on their KUWTK show. Check out this romantical proposal, full of cameras and lighting from the E! crew:



Just that first minute made me cringe! I mean how long did he sit there on his knee. I felt awkward for you, Kris. Fixing his shirt, just hanging out on one of his prayer bones. For reals. At least he knew on how to spell out his proposal in the rose pedals, otherwise he could have been like this dumbass:



And the kicker is Kim comes in and won't say anything until she sees the ring. As soon as it is apparent it is 40 carat, she says yes. Phhhh!

So the wedding happened and apparently the couple MADE over 15 MILLION dollars for getting married. Holy balls, they got everything free and got paid for selling the entire experience to E! and other companies (like the cake maker). How is that possible? Most couples go into debt!

I don't think this family is stupid. They are smart business people and anyone arguing differently should look at the longevity and gross income. They have outlived the Osbourne's and their reality show, as well as Gene Simmon's Family Jewels. There is something about all 20 of them, somewhere between dysfunctional and strong family based.

I own this copy

Well this is a true story. I got one of these. Yep, signed "Your homeboy, JC".

OK maybe it was some Mexican dude named Jesus which I pronounced Jesus. And perhaps he only looked like a savior because he hadn't showered in 10 days. That dirty look is alot like biblical days.

more reasons not to read

I knew that Pooh was a dirty freak:

the world needs more whistling

I have a love-hate relationship with whistling. My bff and longtime lover-pants is an "extreme whistler." She invented this annoying past-time over 10 years ago. I think it was retaliation for cheerfulness in the mornings, so instead of talking to me she with whistle with a rapid pace at high volumes. So annoying.

Anyways, I was thinking about whistling lately because the new Britney Spears song keeps getting stuck in my head:



This got me thinking of other whistling songs, and the historical significance of these. For example, there is the classic "woot woot" whistle made famous by those testosterone-fueled construction workers. This was made into a catchy rap sound a couple years ago, which also sometimes gets stuck in my head:



Lookin good, and it's time to whistle at her....there ya go!

All this extreme whistling also reminds me of the movie Kill Bill. I went through a phase were I was just whistling this tune in all places, including the grocery store aisles, during classes, etc. This sends shivers down your spine as you think of naughty nurses and extreme judo chops:



And finally we need a little throw back to that Disney classic, Snow White and her little people with a range of emotions (you know--happy, bitchy, doppy, sassy). They all like to whistle, and apparently when you exercise this in an extreme fashion it makes your day go quicker. This might provide evidence for while we all should whistle while we work (in Louis's version):



Need other whistle tunes??? Well don't forget when you are sitting on a dock, when there are two of you, or when you're thinking about the golden years.

another history of rap

So JT is on the promotional tour for his new movie and showed up at Jimmy Fallon earlier this week. If you remember, last year he was there and they did this amazing performance of the history of rap. I know what you're thinking, did groups like the Beastie Boys send hip hop into the mainstream??? I contend that it just might these two:



OK I know I was a hater of Jimmy Fallon when he first got his own show. I mean look at the evidence we had....the movie Taxi sucked my balls. Yes weekend update on SNL was good. But who knew he was actually pretty funny, or least knows how to hire good writers for his own show.

Can someone teach me how to duggie? All the girls love it.

the internet is funny today

Yesterday was a busy internets day with Casey Anthony being not guilty yet still a liar. And today, gosh, the internet was making some good jokes:



If you need a reference point, this was a viral videos for months. You are dumb, real dumb, fo reals.