for my 4th wedding

I like fashion, I really do. But this might over the top. Some bride just had a 2 mile train on her wedding day. Yeah 2 miles, folks. I'm calling dibs on this for my 4th wedding, well maybe 5th:

redneck backyard mouse trap

Oh wow. This is nuts.

This people have too much time on their hands. How did they build this? And seriously, I'd be super afraid to go through this and actually do it! This is a human, waterslide, mouse trap game o' fun:

man candles, you're welcome

So I just read about some new products for all my man friends. I got alot of you out there that I love lots and you are ALL going to be getting the following gifts, courtesy of some pretty fan-fuckin-tastic people at Yankee Candles:

 

OK what the bloody hell is this? I mean what smell is "meat sweats"?!?!?! Other notable new scents include: Riding Mower (clearly cut grass) and First Down (no idea, something with football, maybe leather pigskin?).

Boys don't burn candles. That's a female smelly thing. Or a single old cat lady thing. Yeah, cats and candles, both sad in older woman. Sweaty ball candle, also sad for men. Just say no.

Not sure there is a market here but we'll see how Yankee does. I mean I'd buy one of each just so I could see how bad the smell really was. But this is coming from someone who has 40 reed difusers in her home....

Man candles for everyone!

new corperate slogans

What technology are you addicted to? And really what do you us it for??? Think about it and consider this:

I can think of a few more. Facebook: "We've got you, and we are never going to let you go." Netflix: "What do you mean you don't want to watch Code Mission? It's a straight-to-video release that's just like The Matrix!" 

I need these pants

I really need these pants. I eat EVERYWHERE but a table....the bathroom, my bed, the floor, while driving. It is hot times when you're around the big LL in the arena of food consumption.

Luckily I've now found some capri pants that support my eating lifestyle. These winged pants make for great picnic attire. When sitting they spread out into a make-shift table so that you don't get potato on you, or spill your tacos. And you have to admit they are fashionable:




I also think I could become a flying squirrel if I could also web my arms. I could totally do it!

best t-shirt ever

True statement:

HP going intergalactical

HP Danny was posing for a new mazagine and I can't help but think he is reaching out to a new generation of nerds in this clear attempt at a look-alike:

Coincidence? Maybe he actually posing as Data’s twin brother Lore and he’s stolen Data’s uniform???

only in MN

I really love MN. My heart is there, although maybe covered in ice due to the frozen tundra like winters. The men there are tall, they are sexy, and they eat alot of butter and mayo. Apparently they also have good senses of humor when fighting fires in drag.

Here’s a group of volunteer firefighters from Sauk Centre, Minnesota who jumped into action while wearing dresses as part of a charity fundraiser during their St. Patrick’s Day parade. It’s kind of like Mrs. Doubtfire meets Backdraft. These drag-wearing fellas do not, in fact, like it hot:

I just found 2 dogs I want

Well I would have a real problem if these were cats because I just want it, if only for the story telling and possibly for extended laughter:

OR the furry version:

I mean I can't even make this shit up!

I'll take one of both please and thank you.

preparing for Vday

Well Single's Awareness Day is fast approaching, and some of my favorite old people are already sending you greetings. This will serve as your reminder and I suggest that you start preparing for how you will spend this corporately promoted, made-up Hallmark holiday. For example, I will be spending it in a bottle of red wine. But for many of you it might be important for chocolates and flowers. Well thank god the people of Walmart know what we all need and have conveniently placed these ideas in one end aisle:

If you have to end your night with what's on the bottom shelf, your Valentine's Day probably didn't go as well as anticipated. I mean you should start at the top and work your way down...

Happy f-ing Single's Awareness Day. Boooo.

I need this

I just found a perfect gift you can get me for xmas:

This flask holds a whopping 64 ounces (that's a half gallon) of booze.

Maybe I should just carry the bottle because we are completely defeating the purpose of a flask if it is that big and won't fit between the girls. Again, the flask is for sneakiness and not blatant drunkenness....that is where you just walk around with the bottle and say screw the brown paper bag condom!

Still a good gift no matter how you spin it, you alcoholics.

dance party on a treadmill

Wowsa, check out this lady. She is totally, totally showing you up on a treadmill. She ain't runnin, hells no she is going to throw down and dance you off (I mean it ain't no chair in San Fran**). Check her get down:



Personally I like the two douches doing the running commentary, Beyonce what?!?! Holla at yo girl. Apparently she is a repeat customer who works on her moves while working it out. Hot.

Only on the Internet could someone become the second most famous person to pull off an intricately choreographed dance routine on a treadmill. But talent-wise, this lady makes those guys from OK GO look like they're stuck in walk mode.

**Insert memory from San Fransisco drunk, with the Beaver2.0, and having a 3 AM dance off with a bar stool. Ahh good times.

hey girl, I don't give a shit

Well I had a hellish, yet fun week. I was to work by 7 AM everyday and drunk by 8 PM most nights. Apparently I've been working and playing pretty hard lately. This week, I spent some quality time with my girls where we constantly quoted 3 things which will make you laugh and stick in your head:

Number 1:

That stupid LMFAO song. All they're songs are stupid but soooo damn catchy (including the rock anthem). Now this one is my ringer that says "wiggle, wiggle, wiggle...I work out". Yesterday we were tailgating at the UVA game and it went off, and everyone was like what the hell is that. Wiggle, wiggle:



I work out. No fo real, I do. Yeah and I'm sexy and I know it.

Number 2:

I've been watching those wild animal shows lately. Not through cable television or with any factual base, but through one of my new favorite gay guys. Yep his name is Randell and he is an internets viral sensation. For example, check out this informational video about Honey Badgers:



So what is in my head, "Honey badgers, they don't give a shit". Nastyass honey badgers. What a badass, they just don't care. (I'm going to keep replying to you using these lovely new Honey Badger inspired saying).

Wow, I really like Randell. If you haven't already, you should totally subscribe to his YouTube channel and see what else he narrates (to classical music). For example, check out the Jesus Lizard.

Number 3:

While hanging out, B kept saying "hey girl" and I was like, that's from another viral video. Turns out we could quote the whole damn thing. Posted this a couple months ago after my gay husband was here for a visit, because it reminded me of his fierceness:



LOVES this. Could watch it, quote it, and love on it all damn day. All this week, Nik and I would laugh to this before going to bed:

• HEY GIRL! Hey girl.
  
• Nice try hoe
• But special, remember I'm special
• Rude...
• I can hear you bitches
• That's how you do it, bitch
• It's like pretty n' pink but the dress looked good

Now let's pull my fun week together into one phrase: "Hey girl, I work out, I don't give a shit"

you wanker bankers

Well I love me some Irishmen especially when they swear and talk about drinking and give their view on the financial situation in the US. That's right it is all just a bunch of wanker bankers:



Everyone who's been waiting for the Occupy movement to fall in line behind a unified message, well I'd like to nominate this guy as the official spokesman. Sometimes it takes a charming ethnic stereotype to clarify exactly how fecked we really are. Now go get me a pint.

managing office space

You know, not everyone is as fortunate as you. We've discussed this before...not everyone can afford organic food like you, instead some of us have to eat mayo as a snack. Now, I'd like you to realize that the economy is shit and some of us have to sit on ladder in order to complete our workday:



Now I think I'm pretty creative in my office space, but this is wickedly inventive. For reals, impressive business. Let's break it down:

• Stacked ikea-piece-of-shit desks
• Tiered trash cans--no bitch, put your trash in your own can!
• Sizable seat-age, be that via a ladder or ergonomic chair with no leg room
• Room for folder organization
• Easy access to the white board
  

I hate to point out the obvious, but this set up would never work for women. Knowing me, the 6-foot-tall-giant-of-an-office-mate, I would get stuck on the "ladder" chair which means I would have to stop wearing skirts to the office or worry about flashing my colleague on a daily basis. Also I need more back support in that ladder!!!

Next time you want to complain about your job, just remember, it could be worse. Now get back to you work!!!

let's talk social trends

Sorry ya'll I'm a little behind in updating you on current social trends. There has been a number of social experiences that have been making their way around the internets this summer, some of which are still happening while others are on their way out.

Case and point number one, Planking. This where people pretend to lay across things...the laying down game, the make-yourself-look-like-a-plank game. This fad can be very fun if you have an inventive partner. Please don't hurt yourself like this chick...important to make sure your planking equipment is secured to the ground.

You need to get on this fad a-sap, because if you didn't know already, Hugh Hefner the 90 year old stud is wayyyy ahead of you. Earlier this summer he posted this picture of him and all the blogosphere was worried that perhaps he died. Nope! He is just up for all things young and new (pun intended):



OK well this is not the best example of planking, but for an old man, it's not so bad. Check out this site for all the best planking examples. There are some really good ones there, including in the air, under water, and in some pretty impossible positions. I loves it.

Case and point number two, now on to the more current trends. I just read the other day that Stocking is the new Planking. That's right folks. We have moved on to Stocking. What is this, you ask? Well you know those website where you can purchase stock photos that have been fully consented with rights purchased. We use these sites all the time for kid pictures on our work websites, as well as for Mr. Meat Man's website.

Stocking is when you recreate and pose like these photos. Check out this tumblr for some examples. Or here are a couple of my favorites:

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My sentiments exactly. I don't like work nor bananananas. I couldn't have pictorially recreated this better.

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Brace yourself....to catch air!!!! Or maybe the holy spirit. Or maybe you're singing, extreme gesturing? Who the hell knows. But I dig it either way.

Who comes up with these photo stock ideas? They were bound to be mocked by the internets.

hate those family stickers, like this one

I've mentioned in passing that I would rather die than be one of those people who those stupid family and animal stickers on the back windows of your car/familvan. Worse. Nightmare. Ever. It is like I'm reading a book about momma bear, and baby bear, and fido the dog.

However, I like this single-person's approach that is combating the wholesomeness of the typical car window family roll call sticker with some good old fashioned hostility:



Wow, congrats your mom is back out there. I was worried at first when your Dad left, so be gentle, Honda Element owner. Be gentle.