thinking about santa

I've been thinking about Santa lately....that jolly bowl of jelly. I mean what an lazy mascot for the holidays--no wonder the people of the world are equally lazy. The guy only works one night a year (granted that night probably is pretty stressful), and sits around 364 days eating, drinking, and fating up on sweets. How that sleigh even gets off the ground is besides me?!?!

And he has some behavioral tendencies I think need to be examined further. The guy breaks into homes and looks around for little children. Someone needs to call Chris Hansen a-sap, as well as Horatio Cane and get on the fat man in a red suit. And I'm not the only one that finds Santa's (or should we take the dyslexia route in naming: Satan....see too close for my comfort) behavior questionable:



My point exactly and well diagrammed if you ask me. That fat bastard drinks my beer, eats my cookies, and leaves a mess under my tree. Yep, alot like rommates and burglars. Case and point folks. Point LL, advantage NOT the fat man I'll now call Satan.

laziness around the holidays

Well it's officially December which means I can start talking about the holidays without fear of being scorned or have rocks thrown at me. I've been warming up for the holidays with thoughts of gifts in a box as well as some good holiday-themed music. Tis the season and remember the reason, you crazy bitch.

Not everyone is as cheerful or organized as the big LL. Let's examine a couple examples of laziness during the season exemplified.

Case and point #1:

Wow, you are super lazy. L-a-z-y. For reals. I mean at least get a fake tree like Nik made me do (then just keep stating "recycle, reuse, refresh"). Nope this dude stopped by the gas station on the way home, while picking up a 40 oz. and chewing tobacco, and got a wintergreen scented air freshener. Then he sat at home thinking about a good way to display it...that was until he got an inch on his back and discovered his trusty back scratcher. At least it is smells like a Christmas tree and you don't have to worry about all the presents fitting under it!

Case and point #2:



Yeah you suck too. Lazy mother fers. And PS your arrow point left is burnt out so you suck more.

Sometimes extreme apathy can lead to extreme ingenuity. With one simple word and a minuscule fraction of the effort, the guy on the right is expressing the exact same level of Christmas spirit as his show-offy, bigger-budgeted neighbor. Plus that guy borrowed a rake from him like three years ago, so it all evens out.

Case and point #3:

Jesus didn't even have electricity....what does he care!?!?

This is totally the lupus way of approaching the holidays. Good intentions immediately shot to shit with a little bit of pirate-like swearing thrown in there. Sounds about right.

Well tis the season everyone!

there will be nothing left of london

Unless you have been living in a hole, you probably know that there has been some crazy business going on in London recently. The rioters and looters have taken over parts of the city, and apparently not for any consistent reason. Protesting without a common message basically becomes breaking and entering and stealing. I mean look at the 70s, they had a common theme "Peace, love, and weed".

I love me some London and it saddens me deeply that the authorities cannot get ahold of the situation. Some of the pictures are truly scary. Please stop and take stock of what you are doing and why.

I grew up in a community which had some major riot issues, mostly fueled by dumbassery and booze. I've been in situations where the police provided escorts for school buses, and fathers stood in the bus doors to protect teenagers. And when I was in college we experienced roits again, where I would tackle my guy friends who thought it was a good idea to go watch. Nope, sorry, watching is participating and will only cause more problems.

You are making a choice. You can take the Martin-Luther-King route and rise above your basic urges. You do not have to governed by emotions. Emotion regulation is not just something important for preschool, but also adults (especially in situations where asshats are running lose in the general population).

I do believe in protests but they have be to organized and purposeful, otherwise you are simply ruining your community in the physical structure (burning building costs money), in taxes (which are going straight to the authorities who are trying to stop you), and in the air of fear (perceptions of safety is key). Riots do nothing for community building. Business suffer too, case and point this London restaurant:



This wry apology left in the window of a British Subway is bad news for anyone who likes to enjoy a meatball sub while watching a double-decker bus burst in a terrifying inferno. It seems would-be patrons of this establishment have a better chance of finding a toasted building here than a toasted foot-long. While I certainly enjoy the display of that famous dark British "humour" whoever wrote this missed a prime opportunity to direct looters toward the nearest Quizno's.

Also on the lighter side, is anyone concerned what global image these riots are leaving on all nations participating in the upcoming Olympics??? Who wants to visit a city that cannot control their citizens, where no one feels safe. Perhaps this should be the new Olympics logo:

Damn thieves!!! Some roided up athlete is going to catch you for stealing the rings...

can you hear me now?

Well last weekend I took a preventive step, before the damm thing died, and invested a new cell phone. I've had the same piece of shit one for over 3 years and in the world of cell phones that is just a-mazing. I have been anticipating the release of the iPhone to other carriers besides those AT&T asshats, but when I heard it was only Verizon, I ended the strike. I bought a stupid Android and then bitched about it for 2 days. I'm not changing phone companies and therefore I'll still travel with my iTouch, my iPod and now my Android. Shoot me in my head.

So everyone is sooo excited. That sound you hear??? Millions of AT&T users switching to an equally crappy service, and then everyone yelling into their new iPhone, "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" (or if you were LL, you'd say it in German). OK OK we get it Verizon, you have a catchy telemarketing brand.....you can walk in circles asking repetitive questions with your phone and everyone still gets the message. Yessss for christsake we can hear you, you're getting an iPhone, now stop bragging about it.

My purse is heavy from the 70 pound of electronics I carry. I hate you.

a new years open letter

Dear new gym-go-ers,

It is 1/9 which means I'd like to officially request that you quit your New Years resolution of working out. You gave it 9 days, now stop coming to the gym. Because I just can't take it. You crowd my classes, you let your children run with you on the track, and you don't know to wipe down the machines. We all pay a boatload each month, which includes childcare....this means your 3 year old should not be running next to me on the track (because he could run through my legs).

New Years resolutions suck. Now quit yours so my everyday life can return to normal.

Love,

The habitual gym go-ers.

shut up, big O

Well I have a slight rant on the Big O. I mean first off, you have to give the lady some props. She is a legend....a talk show host, an entrepreneur, a philanthropist, a billionaire....but damn sometimes I wish she would just shut the hell up. She got the whole world wrapped around her finger--telling them what books to read (the club), what things to buy at Christmas (her favorite things), and basically how to live their lives.

I don't typically watch her show, but while at the gym on Friday I saw her interview J.K. Rowlings. I figured this would be worthwhile since it is HP, J. K. rarely grants interviews, and the Big O had to go to Scotland to speak with her. I mean this is a brilliantly talented billionaire author, and the Big O couldn't shut up to let her speak. When you ask a question, you should allow some downtime for someone to answer before you start talking about yourself. But no no no, O would jump in and answer for herself. Made me want to punch her...right in the throat.

The Big O always does this. If she isn't comparing everything to herself, she is talking in ridiculously exaggerated emphasis on odd words with varying volumes. As a matter of fact, there are hundreds of youtube videos chronically this over the last 25 years.

Just kill me now. As Helga says F me in the A. Why doesn't anyone just retire anymore? She'll be back. You heard it here first.