where can I marry a gay cousin

Apparently, it's way more acceptable to be in love with someone who shares your genes than someone who shares your junk. We as a nation are just way more tolerant of unions that increase the risk of congenital birth defects than we are of unions that might make us watch two dudes kiss. As soon as gay marriage gets legalized nationwide, can we start a movement to define marriage as being between "two people, of either same or opposite sex, who did not meet at their family reunion?"

WWDDD?

I've been a fan of Mad Men for years now. I used to think "boy, this is slow" but then I slowed down my life and now I think "boy, this is kind of funny yet equally entertaining" (this realization occurred during the scene where someone's foot was mangled by a John Deere lawn mower being drunkenly driven through their business offices on the 52nd floor of a building). For those who don't know, the show takes place in the 50s/60s in Manhattan when there was some crazy telemarketing going on.

**Note, I'm not entirely sure when there hasn't been a time that advertising played a significant role in pop culture, be that consciously or subliminally.

Being a popular, Emmy winning show for years now, I was surprised to find that a retail company finally caught the fever. Bananananana Republic recently launched the Mad Men clothing line, and I absolutely love the female designs. The styles are classic, and allow me to ask "are you a betty?" Too bad they don't make them for tall, big boned girls--you gotta eat an apple a day and have tiny girls to fit that business.

A large part of the show is the amount that all the "mad men" (mad=madison ave or ad, short for advertising, men) drink hard liquor. I swear my liver, which is frequently exercised, would probably shut down. I wouldn't be able to keep up with the professional and creative demands while also drinking a bottle of whiskey a day.

However, I could get on board with the WWDDD decision making process. What is WWDDD? Well it's a play on the once religious phrase, now adapted as What Would Don Draper Do? Do you know? He'd pour a drink, tell you your business, gangster lay back on the couch, take a sip, smoke a cig, have another drink, then rinse and repeat. Here's the first half of the process, for your consideration:

For more of the process....

This is the world Helga lives on a daily basis. You gotta give the girl some props. How do you keep up with that? She has clients who make vodka that drink and drink and then go to after parties to drink. Though exciting, shit's gotta get old.

everyone needs an afternoon snack

Americans get such bad reps. Seriously. I know, we're fat and lazy and such. But we work hard, we don't take vacations, and we deserve to be able to ride public transportation eating straight out of a bottle of Mayo while wearing completely mismatched clothing without being criticized:



You know some people just aren't as fortunate as you. Some people can't afford organic veggies and Acai juice. Instead our mid day snack includes a large helping of that magical white fat-fused goop. Why spread it on a sandwich or mix it with some tuna when you can lick it straight from the jar?

I remember back in the day watching a handful of teenagers who would eat french fries with spiced mayo. Instead of dipping in some ketchup, it was mayo (on a side note, did you know that some school districts tried to make "ketchup" a vegetable as part of a healthy diet being offered at lunch? now that is sad). McNasty. To me, mayo is flavorless. Really what does it add? Besides some bags on my hips.

Dear amazing bus lady, may I suggest down grading to Miracle Whip? Half the fat, but still the same level of equal grossness.

Can we guess in what city this is occurring in? I vote D-town.

I own this copy

Well this is a true story. I got one of these. Yep, signed "Your homeboy, JC".

OK maybe it was some Mexican dude named Jesus which I pronounced Jesus. And perhaps he only looked like a savior because he hadn't showered in 10 days. That dirty look is alot like biblical days.

more reasons not to read

I knew that Pooh was a dirty freak:

safety first, you bitches

finally, the disney bloppers

Love this:



Who told me they had the songs from Aladdin stuck in their head the other day???

otis is out

This week Kanye and Jay-Z dropped their well-anticipated collaborative album. One of the first songs off it is a remix of the Otis Redding hit (who also like whistling while on the dock). Take the two hottest rappers, mix one new exclusive album entitled Throne, and you know, you know it's gonna be good. It is pretty catchy and I like it lots:



Jay, I hear ya. I just got my swagger back. It went on vacation for 6 months, but it's back ya'all

a riot update

I ranted alittle recently about the riots in London...and to recover from the uncharacteristically serious post I have some updates on the action in my beloved city.

First, I found video of a more thoughtful subtle approach to sticking it to the man:



Take that establishment!!! Put your garbage somewhere else, you bitch. This guy is the most laid back rioter, much more up my alley. Not sure what you can loot in this situation though...probably have to steal the other trash can!

Second, I hear that some Londoners are kind of pissed that the po-po can't get there act together. And we know they can do it. Case and point, that billion person attended Royal Wedding. Well this is pretty accurate:

there will be nothing left of london

Unless you have been living in a hole, you probably know that there has been some crazy business going on in London recently. The rioters and looters have taken over parts of the city, and apparently not for any consistent reason. Protesting without a common message basically becomes breaking and entering and stealing. I mean look at the 70s, they had a common theme "Peace, love, and weed".

I love me some London and it saddens me deeply that the authorities cannot get ahold of the situation. Some of the pictures are truly scary. Please stop and take stock of what you are doing and why.

I grew up in a community which had some major riot issues, mostly fueled by dumbassery and booze. I've been in situations where the police provided escorts for school buses, and fathers stood in the bus doors to protect teenagers. And when I was in college we experienced roits again, where I would tackle my guy friends who thought it was a good idea to go watch. Nope, sorry, watching is participating and will only cause more problems.

You are making a choice. You can take the Martin-Luther-King route and rise above your basic urges. You do not have to governed by emotions. Emotion regulation is not just something important for preschool, but also adults (especially in situations where asshats are running lose in the general population).

I do believe in protests but they have be to organized and purposeful, otherwise you are simply ruining your community in the physical structure (burning building costs money), in taxes (which are going straight to the authorities who are trying to stop you), and in the air of fear (perceptions of safety is key). Riots do nothing for community building. Business suffer too, case and point this London restaurant:



This wry apology left in the window of a British Subway is bad news for anyone who likes to enjoy a meatball sub while watching a double-decker bus burst in a terrifying inferno. It seems would-be patrons of this establishment have a better chance of finding a toasted building here than a toasted foot-long. While I certainly enjoy the display of that famous dark British "humour" whoever wrote this missed a prime opportunity to direct looters toward the nearest Quizno's.

Also on the lighter side, is anyone concerned what global image these riots are leaving on all nations participating in the upcoming Olympics??? Who wants to visit a city that cannot control their citizens, where no one feels safe. Perhaps this should be the new Olympics logo:

Damn thieves!!! Some roided up athlete is going to catch you for stealing the rings...

music of the moment

A month or so ago I was explaining to some friends how this song makes me want to dance. Then I got up from the table and showed them the moves running through my head whenever I hear this show. This works for me sometimes--where you see the moves along with the beat.

I love this song, but once I saw the video it was not at all what I expected:



OK I still like it. What's next? Alien sex and getting probed. Great.

Does this have an avatar feel to anyone else?

more evidence I should be all time proofreader

I TOTALLY would have read this trivial pursuit card and thought....



Option a) PENIS
Option 2) wand
Option iii) + 1 inch for the ideal size
Option 4) springy yet reasonable light (if you know HP you know what I'm taking about)

OK so I need to be hired as all time proofreader. Seriously, I'd be great at it. I have such a dirty mind, I'd be able to tell you your business right away. No prob. I'm on it.

a conversation I would have

Hahahaha:

the world needs more whistling

I have a love-hate relationship with whistling. My bff and longtime lover-pants is an "extreme whistler." She invented this annoying past-time over 10 years ago. I think it was retaliation for cheerfulness in the mornings, so instead of talking to me she with whistle with a rapid pace at high volumes. So annoying.

Anyways, I was thinking about whistling lately because the new Britney Spears song keeps getting stuck in my head:



This got me thinking of other whistling songs, and the historical significance of these. For example, there is the classic "woot woot" whistle made famous by those testosterone-fueled construction workers. This was made into a catchy rap sound a couple years ago, which also sometimes gets stuck in my head:



Lookin good, and it's time to whistle at her....there ya go!

All this extreme whistling also reminds me of the movie Kill Bill. I went through a phase were I was just whistling this tune in all places, including the grocery store aisles, during classes, etc. This sends shivers down your spine as you think of naughty nurses and extreme judo chops:



And finally we need a little throw back to that Disney classic, Snow White and her little people with a range of emotions (you know--happy, bitchy, doppy, sassy). They all like to whistle, and apparently when you exercise this in an extreme fashion it makes your day go quicker. This might provide evidence for while we all should whistle while we work (in Louis's version):



Need other whistle tunes??? Well don't forget when you are sitting on a dock, when there are two of you, or when you're thinking about the golden years.

a belated MM birthday wish

Not sure if you heard or not, but the big BO turned 50 this week. Good thing we found out about that birthday certificate awhile back, because we are now at the 50 year anniversary of BO not being born in the US. I think this sums it up pretty well:



I don't think the big BO got any Marilyn Monroe (MM) type of "Mr. President" celebration, but he is one of only 7 presidents to celebrate this milestone in office. I guess that's something, but back in the day no one lived that long :) Happy bday BO, and don't worry women still love a silver fox--I mean look at Anderson Cooper, hot.

one way to stop office thieves

Well here is one way to stop all those food thieves around the office, mislabel your food:



Not sure how effective this will be but you have to respect the creativity. I'm pretty sure the people who steal food would probably be the ones who think these types of diseases could be carried in a yogurt container.

Back in the big Minney I used to be the pop stealer. I mean I was poor and putting myself through school, and sometimes a girl just needs a Coke pick-me-up. I wonder if they knew it was me??? Probably. I'm not that stealth.

I don't have this problem at work, but I'm thinking about putting "Lupus" on all my containers just in case.

realization of the day

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz bottle of beer instead of a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me. You know, my type of people, the ones who choose carbs over calcium. I like foamy head moustaches instead of those white milk ones.

Probst and cheers!

pizza pizza, right here in Cville

So I just read that the Food Network put out ratings for the Top Pizzas for each of 50 states. That is 50 pizzas you have to eat, you know when you're traveling around these states. Turns out that the big VA selection is right here near Cville.

The Cozet Pizza joint is a locally run restaurant in a hole in the wall just a couple miles outside of Cville. I really like this place. It is delicious. Years ago, I went there once with JB and B and watched them drunkenly sword fight with the spatulas. And I always try to take any Cville guests here for a little hand tossed whole wheat goodness.

Apparently their white mushroom pizza is the best in the big VA. Holla! It is smothered in those shitty-take mushrooms and a plethora of garlic. Sign me up, and please accompany it with a local Star Hill brew.

we all can't live in the flintstone's house

Can you name any Hollywood couples that are still together? They don't exactly last too long. But one which has stood the test of time has been the Fresh Prince and his teeny tiny Queen. His famous line: "Welcome to EARTH" bitch.

Well anyways, we know the Smith-Pinkett family has been branching out and showing all their hidden talents. Case and point, Jaden can judo chop the shit out of you. While his kid sister, Willow will take one of your eyes out with her hair wiping back and forth (and for the record I'm still worried she is going to have neck problems longterm).

Now they are showing off their home, not for an episode of Cribs or Extreme Cribs, but for architectural digest magazine. In these photos we learn that there is another less-known older son. We need more information please, who is this kid and why doesn't he have any skillz I know about. Also, we learn that this talented family is actually living in the Flintstone's old house:



Seriously, I can see Barney as the neighbor and Fred/Will stepping out to yell "WILMA/JADE". I guarantee they are not driving cars that are self-propelled where you have to run underneath.

Well Yabba Dabba Doo, folks. Now go make another million dollars...

pic of the day, airing out grandma

Well here is a great picture of the day that deserves some LL comments:

• Not all families can afford a hearse! It's tight times people.
  
• She's probably not dead. When you've got a family of fifteen, someone has to ride on the roof.
• Grandpa always said grandma liked to be on top :) dirrrrty
  
• A Florida funeral? Shouldn't the casket be sealed with duct tape and heart stickers?
• Getting her out of the nursing home for a road trip, better late than never!
• I think it's interesting that this family had the window paint to identify that the casket was grandma's!

Leave yours in the comments, if you got any better ones....