I may have wrote this in school

I love smart ass children. Mine are going to be both badass, sassy and pretty fing creative. I swear, I mayyyy have answered one of my test questions like this when I was in elementary school. Well like this or just not answered it while giving you my middle finger. Honestly either choice is equally likely:

Maybe these kids will look back on this and laugh once they're old enough to realize what the hell they were saying. Some kids seem brutally honest, while others just appear to have a tenuous grasp of the English language. Obviously, the latter half are our future politicians.

Good point, well made, little kid. I couldn't agree more.

Toy R Us does birth control

I think this toy store has inadvertently offered the most excellent family planning advice ever:

I'm pretty sure this little nugget of wisdom from Toys "R" Us was a telemarketing mistake, considering it essentially holds the key to never having to shop at a Toys "R" Us. None the less, this ad offers some sound elephant-like advice for family planning. I mean you don't have to take a pill or worry about any heat of the moment accessories, and YOU SAVE!!!

I mean it worked for Bristol Palin, right?

I found a toddler better than you

I think this toddler is the new Forrest Gump of ping pong. He is much better than you and only marginally better than me when I have a pint of beer to balance me in my other hand. I really miss playing ping pong and maybe I need to join a gym where I can play this....then when I have children they can do this:



Last time you sat on a ping pong table it broke and you bruised your tailbone and you had to sit on one of those embarrassing donut pillows for weeks. Remember that, fatass?

Oh wait maybe I'm thinking about sex on pool tables....

give em all coal

Kids are so spoiled these days. They get whatever the hell they want, whenever the hell they want it. We are such a consumer generation. I think this kids need a reality check. Enter the Jimmy Kimmel late night show.

Jimmy did a sketch in October encouraging parents to tell their children they ate their candy. This was my favorite. Now he is encourage parents to give their children crap Christmas gifts and video tape the results. Well the fun and dose of reality for their kiddos have continued into the new year:



Oh stop your crying! We need to toughen up you kids and teach you to be thankful for what you got!!! I was never like that as a child, or adolescent, I swear.

sewing fail

Here is yet another example of how I should be a professional proofreading. Let's count the ways in which this picture is an epic fail:

1. I definitely want to be thinking about "my baby" and "cancer" in the same sentence.
2. WE GOT CRABS. That doesn't even make sense.
3. Anyone notice the green 69??? What the hell is that doing there?
   
4. I don't know shit about astronomy but this is a fail is so many other levels.
5. Perhaps we should put this baby on some medical marijuana to counteract the nausea of the baby chemotherapy.
6. Despite the good sewing, this is the worst telemarketing ever.
   

I just mentioned this...

...the other day. I need a break, not a foot break but maybe a I-got-knocked-up-which-is-the-only-time-I-get-a-vacation. The only times we actually get a break is between jobs, when having a baby or when I finally reach retirement. I couldn't agree more:

it's a good thing I don't have kids

It is a real good thing that I don't have children, because I would probably be that parent. The emphasis on that truly depends on your parental pedagogy. I, within reason, would most likely let my children listen to the music of their choice, including in this case Outkast. Who doesn't love Outkast? Well look at these cutie mccuties dancing their balls off with alittle Wii:



Now let's put on some Usher and throw down!!! To the windows, to the wall, OKkkkk? Those boys have got some moves. Someone needs to teach the Cville Trips how to do that, and soon.

It also should be noted that I would probably be the parent that encouraged my child to sing to more inappropriate songs, like Tik Tok or Rehab or Bad Romance. I'd also probably let my child paint their fingernails pink and express their own personalities.

let's call our friends

This one is for all the up and coming parents out there (I'm talking you, R). If I was a new parent, these are the things I would try to do with all those annoying toys. Here are some things you need to know as a new parent:

• The big side of the diaper goes in the back
• Don't over heat the bottle
• Never toss or lift children over your head (they will also puke on you)
• Sleep whenever you can
  
• And this, dial 3-6-9 for laughter:

Holy balls I enjoyed that. I've been watching it over and over and over, and giggling.

Yep, I'm going to be a great parent....

carefree baby may be mine

So last week the internets were all a buzz with evidence of the most careful baby in the world. She doesn't care, she say whatever she wants, and you're just going to have to take it! Her vocabulary is very advanced for her age.

I'm thinking she may have secretly been my long lost child. I mean she is hooded up like the unibomber, and swears just like a pirate:



Also notable on the internets last week was this crazy laughing baby. Really, ripping paper? That is truly funny. I just wet my pants.

tiny tods of tyranny

Now this is a good report. If this happens, I definitely would not have a job anymore. As I've said, just through them into the school system and forget about preschool:

a belted dance party

Well this clip just makes me soooo happy. Having a bad day??? Save this to watch.

This child is belted into his car seat and is still having a rocking dance party. Just dance it out kid. Plus this one damn good song. You have good taste little man. Florence + the Machine totally rock my world too, but I'm typically dancing around my space:



Crap, look at him go all ven when it starts again. Amazing!

I'm a baby "supporter"

So I'm at the just over quarter part of my life where everyone I knew is popping out babies and reproducing the world. Good, someone should be working on that, because a good number of the rest of us aren't (i.e., my sisters, Helga, Jilly Bean, etc.). I try hard to be a good "baby supporter" especially when they come in sets of twos or threes.

Back in the day, I was the official supporter of those amazing twins in WA. I miss the Sharpe family and running around the house with Kyle and Andrews making bubbling noises with our tongues (yep Scott was super happy I taught them THAT). And every once and awhile I get a picture text of the new set of twins, saying that they miss "the giant," or I get an email inviting me to a drunken weekend golf outing where the grand prize is winning one of the 4 children under the age of 5.

Luckily, I've been able to replace those twins with a set of triplets here in Cville. Yesterday, some friends and I offered up our stud babysitting abilities so that my friends could have a hot afternoon date away. They claimed they went to a movie, but I still think there is a possibility that they just went around the corner to sleep in the minivan. All went well, filled with much laughter, outfit changing to our enjoyment, and developmental training. We were all about speeding the trips through their learning schedules....we got music in, walks outside, tommy time, while keeping everyone feed and diapered. We only had one explosive number two, which ain't bad.

Let's ignore the fact that I look like poo but here is one of those McCuties strapped to the girls. Admittedly, it took two Ph.D's and a M.A. to reorganize and figure out how to swap the trips to my girls, but it all worked out: