bad tan, time to rotate your shoe choice

Apparently my best friends have some on-going shoes issues in their marriage. One of them buys sandals and the other hides them so they can't be worn. I can't help but wonder if that might happen if this happens in the dog walking Crocs:

I never thought it was possible that taking off a pair of Crocs could make someone look worse. Turns out, true story.

HP for the girls

Heyyyy I just found you a new accessory. It is for the girls. NOOooo not the girls like all of my gender, more like the set of twins your momma gave you. Oh good now we have that clarified.

Well this accessory is for all the girls that are HP fans. Although the movies have finished and there will be no more books, we can all still represent our favorite series via these fashion accessories:

 

Ahhh actually I don't think those are big enough for my girls. Yeah we are going to need like Mr. Magoos sized glasses for the giant that is LL. Just sayin.

casual friday just got alot more fun

I like fashion, always have. And I like to surprise people. And I like to tell you your business. Enter the most perfect casual Friday attire I've ever seen, especially for unapologetic perverts:

Hmmm, is that a cock or your legs? I'm not sure. Stylish no matter how you spin it!

I plan to turn the office into an impromptu bachelorette party with these fashionable-yet-comfortable penis-covered slacks. Let's admit it, times may change but a field of throbbing cocks is a classic look that will never go out of style. Sure it could cause a few minor "issues" with HR or with my bosses, but really there shouldn't be rules for casual friday.

Well it's a real good thing that these come for both men and women alike. And they only cost $50 so in reality it is a steal--a penis covered retail deal!!!! Penis pants for everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone. I'm gonna pull an Oprah and yell/point "you get penis pants" and "you get cock leggings".

Again, you're welcome.

eat my shorts

Hmmmm, I think your shorts might be too small, too tight, and not fit:

I don't know whether to feel bad for her because she can't afford another pair of shorts or to applaud her for simply getting those things on. Either way sexxxy!

I need these pants

I really need these pants. I eat EVERYWHERE but a table....the bathroom, my bed, the floor, while driving. It is hot times when you're around the big LL in the arena of food consumption.

Luckily I've now found some capri pants that support my eating lifestyle. These winged pants make for great picnic attire. When sitting they spread out into a make-shift table so that you don't get potato on you, or spill your tacos. And you have to admit they are fashionable:




I also think I could become a flying squirrel if I could also web my arms. I could totally do it!

best t-shirt ever

True statement:

worse pants ever

I'm not the most fashionable person ever. I'll admit it freely. However I do occasionally bedazzle the girls, put a little shadow on, or wear a hot pair of sex boots. With this disclaimer, I sure do have some pretty strong feelings about what is fashion and what is it complete shit.

Recently I ran across a pair of the worse pants ever. These are worse than the sperm pants, or the nude colored tights/pants. These are jeans and they are $100 of your hard earned money:



Wow, what the bloody hell is that?!?! The 20 inch zipper is amazing. I am alllll about inch measurement in it's different forms, but this is just ridiculous. We got a little jean zipper MC Hammer action happening here (more on hammer pants here).

And these are truly woman's jeans. However, I think these might be more appropriate for male cross dresser. I mean they do go nicely with a pair of heels AND there is plenty of room to hide your pleen. These aren't your Texasss cowboy tight, junk hugging jeans. We got plenty of room here. I would suggest, however, that you glam them up with a belt of some kind!

I think these would go nicely with some nice hand knitted boxers.

dirty knitting

Last month I found a moose humping winter hat which I suggested Momma B make for me. It combines winter gear with some dirty images that are bound to turn heads. It looks all nice and holiday-like when in reality it is all about humping on your melon.

It is probably more difficult to disguise your dirty knitting when it is a sweater and sewn with love across your chest. For example, check out this guy's frosty boner sweater:



I've been thinking about hosting a "holiday sweater" party for years now, and this would be a perfect addition. A good friend of mine did this for her wedding party where everyone had to wear an ugly holiday sweater or sweater vest. Again, I can state definitely without hesitation that Momma B would have about half a dozen sweater options for a party like this :)

Also, this guy has complimented his dirty sweater with a bow tie. Hot. More men need to wear bow ties, and top hats, and pimp canes (make note men in my life).

sewing fail

Here is yet another example of how I should be a professional proofreading. Let's count the ways in which this picture is an epic fail:

1. I definitely want to be thinking about "my baby" and "cancer" in the same sentence.
2. WE GOT CRABS. That doesn't even make sense.
3. Anyone notice the green 69??? What the hell is that doing there?
   
4. I don't know shit about astronomy but this is a fail is so many other levels.
5. Perhaps we should put this baby on some medical marijuana to counteract the nausea of the baby chemotherapy.
6. Despite the good sewing, this is the worst telemarketing ever.
   

snow white vs. snow white

So you may or may not have heard but they have been filming two new takes on Snow White. The casts are loaded with high powered stars. They've been filming for awhile now so the pictures are starting to be leaked/released. It couldn't be more clear how different these two films are going to be. Let's break it down:

Case and point #1: Costume Snow White

This version has Julia Roberts and classically funny man Nathan Lane (are you ache'n, yes yes yes, for some bacon, yes yes yes) and Lily Collins (from Abduction who's costar was Taylor, who also costars with Snow White part 2--see below for more of hollywood's seven degrees of separation).

Julia plays the evil queen in a wicked awesome red dress. I mean I like this costume but I'm not sure it is evil enough. Warm fuzzy white feathers and beautiful red satin. Just don't show us that big teethy smile, because that would totally ruin the whole "evil" thing we're working on here:



Also, Snow White puts on some costumes that I'm not sooo excited about. She goes to a ball and instead of bringing her 7 blue collar dwarfs, she decides to wear the iconic swan dress Bjork wore to the Oscars back in the day.

Costume Snow White sporting a swan:

Bjork sporting a swan:



From what I can figure, Costume Snow White is going to be over the top with everything. Fashion, and colors and furniture. The next photo shows the evil queen in a wicked full dress and a golden chair. For the record, I totally owned one of these chairs in my last house. Nik made me sell it though during the last move...it did take up the entire living room. You'd think a gigantic chair made of gold would have been something the Goodwill would have embraced. I mean who doesn't want to sit in solid gold:



Case and Point #2: Badass Snow White

The second version of Snow White is a little more badass. It stars KStew, our favorite twitarded actress, who works with that wolf, who dates that other Snow White with the swan on her head (see totally 7 degrees of separation). From what I can figure out she is a sword wielding, armor-wearing badass. They've been filming in England on a beach, playing with horses and frolicking on the beach:



Wow, the badass version clearly has no fancy balls or swans or elaborate dresses. Instead Snow White's clothes are falling off, she's completely water-logged, and apparently has become a horse whisper:



Here horsey, horse! Luckily, Snow White and the Horsemen version has a white horse. Maybe it will have a knight with shiny armor that will ride bareback down the beach. That would be great, especially if he has blonde hair.

The badass Snow White also has a wicked looking queen who's going to stab you with her knife. Look out she is wicked and does not wear white feathers.

OK I'll admit, I'll probably go see both the films, reviews dependent!

don't buy me hammer pants

Momma B called me at work the other day to ask if I would like some new Hammer pants. I felt like I had time traveled back in the early 90s. I told her I needed more information. Where was she? What did she want to buy? Turns out they where fancy tie die wide leg pants that roughly resemble the now broke MC Hammer (ooooOOOoo) wardrobe. I stamped a big hells no on that business, stating the "no room in my closet" excuse.

Anyways, this warranted a little comparison from one of my favorite websites:

You know I'm not a big fan of those hipsters. I mean what is with those horrible tight jeans. They do absolutely nothing for me. Don't you wanna let your balls get some air? Sometimes they just need to roam free alittle. And don't you think the tight jeans make your big platypus feet look more like Ronald McDonald.

And the color, oh the mismatched horrid compilation of colors. We need to get you people a color wheel and work on complimentary matches. Then you can match your wardrobe with your moustache, and then offer me a ride. Handlebar rides for LL plus a rendition of can't touch this (ooooOOOoo).

You know the good thing about Hammer pants...you can pull a Kris Kross and wear the pants forward and backwards. I swear, no one will know whether they are on right or wrong because they are baggy all the way around.

I need a chicken necklace

Well we all know the Lady is a crazy dresser, but Ms. Nicki is making a run for equal craziness. I like Nicki, she's got style, grace, and man she's got a quick tongue. The girl can spit some lyrics like Lil Kim in the 90s.

Well anyways, this week she out did herself when she took a fo reals chicken wing, painted in bright pink and strapped it around her neck. If the Lady wears raw beef and Nicki wears chicken, I guess that leaves us with the other white meat or the other other white meat. Or pork. Goat? HOT:



Well don't worry, if this new fashion trend is tickling your wallet, you can buy it! Yep if you got some extra dollars, check out this site and lay down a good $80 for some painted chicken strung on some fake gold chains. See HOT, told ya.

WWDDD?

I've been a fan of Mad Men for years now. I used to think "boy, this is slow" but then I slowed down my life and now I think "boy, this is kind of funny yet equally entertaining" (this realization occurred during the scene where someone's foot was mangled by a John Deere lawn mower being drunkenly driven through their business offices on the 52nd floor of a building). For those who don't know, the show takes place in the 50s/60s in Manhattan when there was some crazy telemarketing going on.

**Note, I'm not entirely sure when there hasn't been a time that advertising played a significant role in pop culture, be that consciously or subliminally.

Being a popular, Emmy winning show for years now, I was surprised to find that a retail company finally caught the fever. Bananananana Republic recently launched the Mad Men clothing line, and I absolutely love the female designs. The styles are classic, and allow me to ask "are you a betty?" Too bad they don't make them for tall, big boned girls--you gotta eat an apple a day and have tiny girls to fit that business.

A large part of the show is the amount that all the "mad men" (mad=madison ave or ad, short for advertising, men) drink hard liquor. I swear my liver, which is frequently exercised, would probably shut down. I wouldn't be able to keep up with the professional and creative demands while also drinking a bottle of whiskey a day.

However, I could get on board with the WWDDD decision making process. What is WWDDD? Well it's a play on the once religious phrase, now adapted as What Would Don Draper Do? Do you know? He'd pour a drink, tell you your business, gangster lay back on the couch, take a sip, smoke a cig, have another drink, then rinse and repeat. Here's the first half of the process, for your consideration:

For more of the process....

This is the world Helga lives on a daily basis. You gotta give the girl some props. How do you keep up with that? She has clients who make vodka that drink and drink and then go to after parties to drink. Though exciting, shit's gotta get old.

spicing up the politicko wardrobe

I have made a couple observations lately regarding our national Speaker of the House, John Boehner from the big land of O (that is Ohio, not the big O or BO). The guy has some notable fashion choices which often times go nicely with his overly tanned face. Sometimes this guy is bordering on a little George Hamilton-like tan, which frankly, no one wants to see!

But I really like John's tie swagger. He has some fancy ties and I totally dig it. He likes a little color pop, even if it may make him look alittle more feminine. Check out this selection:



Here's what we got and damn he makes it work:

• Purple
• Pink
• Green stripped
• Yellow polka dot

I mean the guy is like a cornucopia of colorful ties! I wish more poltickos would follow in his foot steps. Politicko women get all the fun with red, pink, yellow pant suits, but the men should also be able to spice it up. Future politickos, I suggest you take a page from John's wardrobe....minus the raccoon eyes facial tan.

holy back hair

Wowsa. Put a shirt on. That is horrifying. That hairy, that gray. The stuff of nightmares:



PS, where the hell is this picture taken? There is all kinds of weird happenings going on here. Case and point:

• Is that old dude wearing ski boots?
• Is there some guy in the background with ski googles (to the right)?
• Is it like 90 degree, sunny and no snow?
• Is there someone topless wearing a straw hat (to the left)?
• Do you think that old dude is Santa on his summer vacation? Could be. We need some frontal exposure to indicate a beard, yes or no.
• Could that old dude pull up his jorts any further? Maybe he could make it so they cover up his entire back. And frankly, as tight as those jorts are you really don't need a belt!
  

Well this is definitely the picture of the day. Odd and entertaining all at once.

palin needs a fashion consultant

I've been watching former-Alaskan-governorator/former-VP-candidate/current-family-road-tripper/current-media-whoure as she begins her bid for presidency. She has been traveling up and down the east coast in a big bus eating pizza and making up history. Although she won't yet admit it, this road trip is scheduled to end in DC in January 2013.

On this amazing media tour/family vacation, Palin has been wearing some jewelry which is begging for alittle LL fashion commentary:

Case and point #1:



In the words of Simmon, what the bloody hell is that? Seriously, I saw this picture (without the paint doodling) and thought, 80's much? How many bad necklaces can one person put on? Less is more lady, not sure you know that yet in fashion and in politics. Those fake pearls go great with those vampire repelling silver chains and jesus cross.

Case and point #2:



Wow, another jesus cross! You're just shouting religiosity. I have one question though, did you steal that from a pirate? From the Vatican? From the crown jewels vaults in London? On another note, what the hell kind of fake/crushed fur jacket is that? I bought one of those once for a pimp-n-hoes party during Halloween. It cost me about $10 and looked great with my crunk cup.

Case and point #3:



Well this jewelry selection is a little more confusing. Apparently, one necklace is the key to your heart while the other is the star of david. The six-point star is a frequent choice during your media blitzes, and I don't get it. What lock does that crown key open? Inquiring minds would like to know.

And finally, case and point #4:



This looks like something chunky I would wear, except I'm 6 feet tall with a personality twice that size. I can pull off (or so I think) chunkiness, you however look as if you strung some crystallized dinosaur poop to your neck. Are the shapes geographical? You betcha, one piece is Africa, and another is the shape of Russia I see from my back porch. True story, she never admits when she's wrong.

Well I do hope your bus, which has your name the same size as the constitution, decides to start campaigning this year. Frankly you are just too much fun to disappear from the politick scene. Palin, always good comedic value.

It's a new gay, hip MN

Well Minneapolis is one of my favorite, all time, cities in the world. And although it has been awhile since I lived there, I started noticing these new trends back in the early 2000's. Recent news highlights two new trends, increases in:

1. Hipsters
2. Gays

Apparently, MN has taken the lead in hipsters (and for the record I've had to explain what this term means to more people than I'm comfortable with--pop culture people, keep up), overcoming all time leader of greater NYC. Brooklyn and the Bronx has been known for their dark rimmed glasses, tight jeans, alternative music, independent thinking and general vegetarian. Well good work MN is taking the top spot. Who know you were so progressive (although I do remember saying to Helga a time or two "fucking hipsters!" when we would be out as concerts).

I think they make a good case for MN, with our stupid flannel shirts (I really REALLY hate flannel shirts--just kill me now), farmer's markets, a-mazing music scene, and self-propelled tendencies (no need to tie up your pant leg from your bike chain, you're already wearing tight pants). And not surprisingly, Portland is definitely a close third. And for that matter, Cville might also be right up there in our hipster tendencies as well. Actually, we are alittle more east coast douchey than hipstery.

OK so we know MN is hip, but apparently they are also now gayer than CA! And let me tell you, that isn't an easy thing to do with all the donkeys and in general the big bright rainbow over San Fran:

The Daily Show - Minneapolis Is the New Gay
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

So I've known MN was gay, and definitely getting gayer. My gay husband lives in MN and I love him very much. 8 years ago I was his beard and would go to more gay bars than straight ones! We had a great time dancing for hours, hot tubing, and singing show tunes. Good times. Gay, yes we all knew that in MN.

you may need a new color of tights

OK it is official, you probably shouldn't wear nude tights! I swear I would have died if I saw this in Lowes. I'd be whipping my head back and forth, rubber-necking in a state of shock. It took me a minute to realize what was happening here, and that was in a picture. Considering you are the cashier, I guess that whole "no shirt, no shoes, no service" thing doesn't really apply:

not sure you heard, there was a royal wedding

So last Friday, not sure if you heard this, but a big royal wedding happened in London. Apparently over 2 million (insert evil pinky finger to the chin) people in the US watched and give more than two shits about the event--and this was a 4 AM start time EST. This is rivaling the amount of people who take the day off for the opening night of the Twilight movies. Talk about a serious drain on the economy, that is, if it wasn't for all the damn merchandise.

Despite these epic numbers, some people apparently didn't want to be there. Take this child for example....clearly forced to be present and not happy about it. Always a bridesmaid, never a princess. Tell me about, story of my life:



Well the fashion was amazing, as expected. Kate wore the McQueen infused dress that was both classic and modern. Nice work. Although I would have enjoyed more "gaga" inspiration. Also noteworthy were the hats, ohhhh the **womanity of british hats. I really wish those hats were an American tradition because I would totally rock out with some wirey feathered thing protruding from my melon. Seriously sexy.

Speaking of fashion, I couldn't help but notice that the Queen looked a little like JC minus the green eye shadow:



Yes the likeness is uncanny. SMOKIN!!!

The wedding went off without a hitch, and what I enjoyed the most is that it was personalized for the couple. Despite the news coverage and epic traditions, they seemed to squeak in some personal touches that was just for them. They looked so happy. Not forced or uncomfortable. I really liked this. However, it should be noted that there is no way in hell that my wedding will not have beer, even if some people think it is not "classy" enough (I say beer for everyone).

Also, THANK GOD the big BO announced the death of Bin Laden this week and not last, otherwise we would have had no wedding coverage. 10-yr-most-wanted-terrorist-killed VS. once-every-30-years-royal-wedding. Wonder who would have own the battle for the front page?

**That is for you, M & T. You're welcome.

say goodbye to saggy pants

Well the greatness that is the state of FL (clearly NOT a commonwealth like the big V-A) has decided to outlaw "saggy pants." You know what I'm talking about...droopy drawers, penguin pants, or crap hammocks. Forget about freedom of speech, whether that be words or clothing, they are instituting a no-fundies-showing law.

How will this be enforced? Apparently, administers plan to use a plastic tie, slip it through a couple of belt loops on the pants or shorts and cinch it at the waist. Then the tie has to be cut off. What if I don't have belt loops??? Sweat pants, or in the case of LL yoga pants, also can sag to show my fundies.

We definitely need a state school dress code. While we are at it, let's also ban low cut shirts where the girls hang out. Also, no strappy sandles or 4-inch stripper heels for women either. But in the words of that amazing AI contestant from last year: "Pants on the ground. Pants on the ground, looking like a fool with your pants on the ground."

I think further discussion is warranted for the that fact this is coming out of Tallahassee, FL. Is that really how you spell Tallahhassee??? Isn't this where I insert a prim joke about Cananaanada. You know where someone drew a "C' out of a hat, said "eh?" and then drew an "N," said "eh?", etc. And what about Missisississippiipii??? OK let's sing the song together....We definitely, definitely need a Tallahassee joke or song for all those Floridians!

Lookin like a fool with yo pants on the ground! Not in FL, bitches.