the place for your next vacay

In these exotic waters, just feel free to express yourself, to let it all go, to be free with your body. Yeah again, you all miiiight need to hire me as all time proofreader for your telemarketing because that whole relaxing reflection isn't working for you:

Toy R Us does birth control

I think this toy store has inadvertently offered the most excellent family planning advice ever:

I'm pretty sure this little nugget of wisdom from Toys "R" Us was a telemarketing mistake, considering it essentially holds the key to never having to shop at a Toys "R" Us. None the less, this ad offers some sound elephant-like advice for family planning. I mean you don't have to take a pill or worry about any heat of the moment accessories, and YOU SAVE!!!

I mean it worked for Bristol Palin, right?

wheel placement is critical

Those crazy cannucks! They really need some additional proofreaders and telemarkerting officials. I mean check out these wheels:

Maybe her campaign team should go back to the drawing board, or at least back to the "let's not make any parts of the bus look like big rubber tits" board. This could have been extremely embarrassing for the candidate, but luckily it happened in Canada, so everyone's being obnoxiously polite about it.

Wowsa!

I vote for ariel

People have some pretty strong opinions and emotions about font choice. I've had two people in the last month comment on my email font choice and size...as if I care what they think. I am an ariel fan through and through and throw. You know, ariel or it is arial? OK well whichever one isn't the mermaid who could sing.

One of my tech friends mentioned to me years ago that there was a documentary movie about the font Helvetica. Apparently this movie examines "how font affects our lives" and especially the bastard son Helvetica. I can undoubtedly say that it really don't effect my, at least not in any meaningful way.

Now I hear about the new Comic Sans Project sweeping the interwebs. As their tagline states, "Helvetica is soooo 2011" and since we are two days away from 2012, I'm on board. These graphic designers are changing all your favorite telemarkerting logos and font type into the teacher-friendly comic sans. It is just so friendly and bubbly and soft....just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

On a parting note, it is worth me mentioned I'm considering switching my email font to Chiller. It would be like Halloween or Twilight all year long. Sounds like a plan.

open letter to seattle

Dear Seattle,

I'm sooo looking forward to coming for a visit in two weeks. I miss you lots, you know with your constant cover of cloud and moderately tempered weather. I'd like to visit with family, catch a flying fish, eat an almond crosssssant, go canhoooo-ing, get on a big b-ooo-a-t, see the twins and BS with Scott, spot a sparkly vampire, and go see DMB at the Gorge. The reality is I may only accomplish the first goal here because UW screwed my alternative-non-work-related plans earlier this fall. Alas I get one free night.

While in Seattle, if possible, I'd like to spot this new mode of transportation I recently read about. I'm a bike supporter, especially when they add a fast swimmer to it (aka, sperm). Not shooting blanks anymore! (to quote my fav grad school friends). I'd like to see this bike, ride on this bike, and buy one for my own personal use around Cville:



Wow Seattle, way to be environmentally friendly and telemarketingly conscious. I like it. Now go make me a computer or a cup of coffee.

See you soon!

Sincerely yours always and forevvvver,
LL

sewing fail

Here is yet another example of how I should be a professional proofreading. Let's count the ways in which this picture is an epic fail:

1. I definitely want to be thinking about "my baby" and "cancer" in the same sentence.
2. WE GOT CRABS. That doesn't even make sense.
3. Anyone notice the green 69??? What the hell is that doing there?
   
4. I don't know shit about astronomy but this is a fail is so many other levels.
5. Perhaps we should put this baby on some medical marijuana to counteract the nausea of the baby chemotherapy.
6. Despite the good sewing, this is the worst telemarketing ever.
   

forget online dating

My best friends and I used to take road trips every year. D/T/C would get into a car and drive to neighboring states in order to drink lots of beer. We would stay with friends and attend beer festivals for extended weekend o' fun (where on such trips we would learn that anything that has "o' ___" in the title freaks me out alittle).

These were the good spontaneous times, where we would wander around the great city of Raleigh, which I still cannot properly pronounce (shocker). During these nighttime wanderings we'd step into basement bars to get picked up by drunk lesbian arm wrestlers, or hang out on a rooftop bar social inter-coursing with bartenders about how to make cilantro infused martinis.

On these trips, we also learned the international signal for "muddling" or jerking off, AND discussed the plethora of signage we would pass that encouraged local dating throughout the countryside. D thought I should call these local numbers for a good time. But for reals, who wants to date some hillbilly in northern North Carolina??? RAISE YOUR HAND!

Although I was not on board with those dating signage, however I am completely enthusiastic about this roadside telemarketing campaign for sex:

And don't call you bitches, I only accept some s/texting (you know sexy texting). I mean why even waste your time on dating, let's just get right to business and offer up the fast swimmers. This guy is clearly not shooting blanks. Quick, someone google where the area code "512" is!?!?!? Let me know if this is a possibility because I'm allll over it.

Wow, way to put it right out there. And wow, way to use different colors markers whilst making your signage, that is pretty impressive. No beating around the bush either in the message, not buying dinner or drinks. Just some straight up, get-you-knocked-up telemarketing whilst on the drive home. I like it.

WWDDD?

I've been a fan of Mad Men for years now. I used to think "boy, this is slow" but then I slowed down my life and now I think "boy, this is kind of funny yet equally entertaining" (this realization occurred during the scene where someone's foot was mangled by a John Deere lawn mower being drunkenly driven through their business offices on the 52nd floor of a building). For those who don't know, the show takes place in the 50s/60s in Manhattan when there was some crazy telemarketing going on.

**Note, I'm not entirely sure when there hasn't been a time that advertising played a significant role in pop culture, be that consciously or subliminally.

Being a popular, Emmy winning show for years now, I was surprised to find that a retail company finally caught the fever. Bananananana Republic recently launched the Mad Men clothing line, and I absolutely love the female designs. The styles are classic, and allow me to ask "are you a betty?" Too bad they don't make them for tall, big boned girls--you gotta eat an apple a day and have tiny girls to fit that business.

A large part of the show is the amount that all the "mad men" (mad=madison ave or ad, short for advertising, men) drink hard liquor. I swear my liver, which is frequently exercised, would probably shut down. I wouldn't be able to keep up with the professional and creative demands while also drinking a bottle of whiskey a day.

However, I could get on board with the WWDDD decision making process. What is WWDDD? Well it's a play on the once religious phrase, now adapted as What Would Don Draper Do? Do you know? He'd pour a drink, tell you your business, gangster lay back on the couch, take a sip, smoke a cig, have another drink, then rinse and repeat. Here's the first half of the process, for your consideration:

For more of the process....

This is the world Helga lives on a daily basis. You gotta give the girl some props. How do you keep up with that? She has clients who make vodka that drink and drink and then go to after parties to drink. Though exciting, shit's gotta get old.

we need more giants

I heard They Might Be Giants the other day on the radio and it brought me back to the 90s with my siblings. I remember cassette tapes and a soul lost in Istanbul (or a birdhouse). Then today I run across this wicked awesome video of them covering Chumbawamba. Pretty badass if you can get through all the Starsucks telemarketing:


They Might Be Giants covers Chumbawamba

say no to drugs, but not chewy (please)

OK I'll be the first to admit, I don't know shit about telemarketing (i.e., the LL way of saying advertising) but I'm pretty sure this drug warning is confusing:



First, I think Chewy is pretty normal. I like big hairy/harry people. I also like people who know when to shut the hell up, or who talk in their own language (insert my favorite noise). See Chewy is either quiet or grunts, and both are fine by me.

B, what if when you are high you see things like Chewy? Totally could happen, or so I hear. It is possible after you have smoked your own teeth you might also see Chewy walking through your backyard in Montana.

Thirdly, did Chewy pose for this baseball ad? Or was this at a real game I missed? I vote for Chewy throwing more opening pitches. OR maybe (here's hoping) Chewy is a new member of a baseball team and plays regularly. Sign me up bitches.

D, is the new Meth slogan "not even once"? Again, I think this more confusing that effective. Maybe that because I don't do drugs. Riiiight I'm not the target audience. Got it.

So in conclusion kiddos, take it from your Aunt LL: say no to drugs but not to Chewy (and one last time for good measure, click here and then on the face). The world needs more Chewy.

I found a pair of jeans for you

Yep I found you the most perfect pair of jeans. I mean these are definitely more appropriate for my male friends, but I suppose some butch females might like the message as well. These aren't your typical wide-leg or bootleg or even slim cut jean. Instead, they are sperm shooting out of the zipper inspired. I mean, who doesn't want all the boys visually swimming from your pants.

The owner of these pants better not be shooting blanks otherwise that is just false telemarketing. If you are going to advertise yourself in such a way you better be able to deliver! So this is what I am buying you for your birthday and christmas this year. If you're lucky, the swimmers might come in multiple colors:

reuniting the perfect couple

OK my apologies for not getting many "quality" blog posts lately. I've been doing some hosting, some traveling, and quite a bit of thinking (you know, on life and other business that may or may not be forthcoming). Accept all the LL-ish apologies.

So earlier, around that manufactured Single's Awareness Day, Mattel announced via their Facebook page [insert puking noise] that their main characters, Barbie and Ken that is, were getting back together. According to Facebook, and why would we trust any other source, they are "in a relationship" again. Well this bodes the question as to when they weren't in a relationship???? No seriously, when did they break-up? Haven't these two blonde haired, blue eyed plastics been a couple for decades? When did Barbie start dating other guys? When did Ken wake up and realize platium blonde is sooo not in? When did they realize that only p-i-m-p-s drive pink cars or live in pink mansions?

After starting this oddly PG relationship of repeated 1st and 2nd base hook-up sessions in the early 1960's, the couple stayed together until the untimely or long expected break-up earlier this decade. Perhaps that may be a good thing actually, especially for Barbie. I feel like I have seen a black version of Ken and seriously once you go dark brown plastic you don’t go back (or so I’ve heard). Also I heard that the couple has gone through some serious make-overs, including tanning, updating to a current fashion trends and changing careers like becoming an astronaut.

Perhaps this is just a brilliant tele-marketing campaign via social media for Mattel. Again, I wonder who is the person tweeting and facebooking these updates. I bet it is some nerdy tech guy, or maybe some out and proud gay men. They can get pretty creative on what type of date did Ken just take Barbie or how is Barbie feeling this AM? Way to play on the current pop culture events. Nice work.

PS, did you know Ken and Barbie have last names? "Learn" something new everyday.

favorite VL telemarketing

First, tell me why 45 is XLV??? Why is it not just VL??? Anywho thoughts to ponder.

Here is LL's best superbowl telelmarketing of the night (we are the motorcity, this is what we do--imported from Detroit bitches):

c-b-scares

Well McBetty and I had a large amount of laughter last night when we saw this CBS promotional commercial (worth 15 seconds of your time in order to feel really awkward for this actor):



CREEPY!!! Is that guy wearing black satin PJs (insert Howard from BBT)? Sitting in front of some candles? Talking about his family jewels? Telling us that the best v-day gift is healthy balls? Yes, yes he is.

So this is a campaign by CBS to remind you to be healthy....you know stop drinking and smoking, and remember to feel up your respective body parts once a month. The only problem is their acronym is CBScares, which to me looks like C-B-Scares. I don't know who CB is, but he surely is scary, indeed. I think your telemarketing company should have bought that to your attention, to be like, either you need a new acronym or you need messages that aren't CREEPY, bordering on scary.

From here on out, these are the C-B-Scares telemareting....gives a whole new meaning to my saying of "holy balls!"

can you hear me now?

Well last weekend I took a preventive step, before the damm thing died, and invested a new cell phone. I've had the same piece of shit one for over 3 years and in the world of cell phones that is just a-mazing. I have been anticipating the release of the iPhone to other carriers besides those AT&T asshats, but when I heard it was only Verizon, I ended the strike. I bought a stupid Android and then bitched about it for 2 days. I'm not changing phone companies and therefore I'll still travel with my iTouch, my iPod and now my Android. Shoot me in my head.

So everyone is sooo excited. That sound you hear??? Millions of AT&T users switching to an equally crappy service, and then everyone yelling into their new iPhone, "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" (or if you were LL, you'd say it in German). OK OK we get it Verizon, you have a catchy telemarketing brand.....you can walk in circles asking repetitive questions with your phone and everyone still gets the message. Yessss for christsake we can hear you, you're getting an iPhone, now stop bragging about it.

My purse is heavy from the 70 pound of electronics I carry. I hate you.

smells like a new spice

Well the Old Spice company has embarked in an amazingly updated advertisement campaign year with a hot hot hot man. This ain't your grandpa's oddly smelling cologne anymore! These ads grabbed attention across all demographics after the Superbowl last year and throughout this summer:




And the commercials have also reached all the way to Sesame Street where they just released a segment parading the ads. Once again muppets (momma? momma? you-who!) or the creators of stuffed creators have their finger on the pulse of pop culture. Thanks for making me laugh you telemarketers and children's show writers:



Look at yourself and now back to me, I smell like a monster.