bad tan, time to rotate your shoe choice

Apparently my best friends have some on-going shoes issues in their marriage. One of them buys sandals and the other hides them so they can't be worn. I can't help but wonder if that might happen if this happens in the dog walking Crocs:

I never thought it was possible that taking off a pair of Crocs could make someone look worse. Turns out, true story.

HP for the girls

Heyyyy I just found you a new accessory. It is for the girls. NOOooo not the girls like all of my gender, more like the set of twins your momma gave you. Oh good now we have that clarified.

Well this accessory is for all the girls that are HP fans. Although the movies have finished and there will be no more books, we can all still represent our favorite series via these fashion accessories:

 

Ahhh actually I don't think those are big enough for my girls. Yeah we are going to need like Mr. Magoos sized glasses for the giant that is LL. Just sayin.

man candles, you're welcome

So I just read about some new products for all my man friends. I got alot of you out there that I love lots and you are ALL going to be getting the following gifts, courtesy of some pretty fan-fuckin-tastic people at Yankee Candles:

 

OK what the bloody hell is this? I mean what smell is "meat sweats"?!?!?! Other notable new scents include: Riding Mower (clearly cut grass) and First Down (no idea, something with football, maybe leather pigskin?).

Boys don't burn candles. That's a female smelly thing. Or a single old cat lady thing. Yeah, cats and candles, both sad in older woman. Sweaty ball candle, also sad for men. Just say no.

Not sure there is a market here but we'll see how Yankee does. I mean I'd buy one of each just so I could see how bad the smell really was. But this is coming from someone who has 40 reed difusers in her home....

Man candles for everyone!

worse. dad. ever

Sure, your father played catch and went to your school plays, but he also thought Grey Goose was too expensive for your undeveloped palette. Poppa B taught me all about meat but not so much about what booze infused beverage I could compliment it with.

Sooo let's hand that "World's Best Dad" mug over to this guy:

Toy R Us does birth control

I think this toy store has inadvertently offered the most excellent family planning advice ever:

I'm pretty sure this little nugget of wisdom from Toys "R" Us was a telemarketing mistake, considering it essentially holds the key to never having to shop at a Toys "R" Us. None the less, this ad offers some sound elephant-like advice for family planning. I mean you don't have to take a pill or worry about any heat of the moment accessories, and YOU SAVE!!!

I mean it worked for Bristol Palin, right?

potato chips save the day

Violence is never the answer but shit happens. Crazy people go nuts all the time. But somehow this always happens on public transportation. I mean check this video with two people drop kicking the shit out of each other:



Unlike your average run-of-the-mill internet subway fight video, this one gets broken up in the most nonchalant way possible: By a dude choosing to stand between the combatants and eat potato chips. If all it takes to break up a fight is to stand there and eat chips, then who knows, someday even I might be a hero!

I vote we rename this video to "Man Breaks Up Subway Fight By Fearlessly Eating Potato Chips". Done and doneski.

eat my shorts

Hmmmm, I think your shorts might be too small, too tight, and not fit:

I don't know whether to feel bad for her because she can't afford another pair of shorts or to applaud her for simply getting those things on. Either way sexxxy!

a new way to charge your i-products

I found a better way for you to charge your iPod or iPhone. Now you don't have to worry about leaving your charger at home or not having enough battery for your favorite tunes when on a long flight. Instead you can just whip out this mask:



Now don't be frightened. We haven't returned to a time of air strikes or gasing, but instead invented some really pretty technology for your Apple devices.

This mayyyyy be the first strike in the machines' eventual overthrow of the human race. I always assumed our gadgets would turn against us in a full scale military assault, but it turns out the revolt will happen quietly, by tricking us into voluntary enslavement. We're already using our own breath, the very thing that keeps us alive, to give them power. What else will they demand of us?

Luckily the safest place to be is America, where the obesity epidemic has put so many of us on respirators that we simply have no oxygen to spare. I may have some after attempting to climb a flight of stairs though. OR this is much more likely:

home depot does it again

What is happening at Home Depot lately? They really need someone to proofread their signage, between the erotic aisles and now the racist signage, I hardly know what to do with myself. The sassy, snarky side of me is having a field day with HD:

"Well, sir, I hate to break it to you, but no, we don't sell white conical hats in the 'white power accessories' section. They're on the KKK aisle. Next to plumbing."

worse pants ever

I'm not the most fashionable person ever. I'll admit it freely. However I do occasionally bedazzle the girls, put a little shadow on, or wear a hot pair of sex boots. With this disclaimer, I sure do have some pretty strong feelings about what is fashion and what is it complete shit.

Recently I ran across a pair of the worse pants ever. These are worse than the sperm pants, or the nude colored tights/pants. These are jeans and they are $100 of your hard earned money:



Wow, what the bloody hell is that?!?! The 20 inch zipper is amazing. I am alllll about inch measurement in it's different forms, but this is just ridiculous. We got a little jean zipper MC Hammer action happening here (more on hammer pants here).

And these are truly woman's jeans. However, I think these might be more appropriate for male cross dresser. I mean they do go nicely with a pair of heels AND there is plenty of room to hide your pleen. These aren't your Texasss cowboy tight, junk hugging jeans. We got plenty of room here. I would suggest, however, that you glam them up with a belt of some kind!

I think these would go nicely with some nice hand knitted boxers.

no absolutely no

If anyone buys me this, I will kill you (and then mail it to Helga that cat lovin fool):



Horrible.

and this will continue to horrify me

I will have nightmares about this for week. Horrifying. I mean, 1) it's a cat, scarey, and 2) it has TWO FACES!!!! Only one of it's heads eat. Gross:

there will be nothing left of london

Unless you have been living in a hole, you probably know that there has been some crazy business going on in London recently. The rioters and looters have taken over parts of the city, and apparently not for any consistent reason. Protesting without a common message basically becomes breaking and entering and stealing. I mean look at the 70s, they had a common theme "Peace, love, and weed".

I love me some London and it saddens me deeply that the authorities cannot get ahold of the situation. Some of the pictures are truly scary. Please stop and take stock of what you are doing and why.

I grew up in a community which had some major riot issues, mostly fueled by dumbassery and booze. I've been in situations where the police provided escorts for school buses, and fathers stood in the bus doors to protect teenagers. And when I was in college we experienced roits again, where I would tackle my guy friends who thought it was a good idea to go watch. Nope, sorry, watching is participating and will only cause more problems.

You are making a choice. You can take the Martin-Luther-King route and rise above your basic urges. You do not have to governed by emotions. Emotion regulation is not just something important for preschool, but also adults (especially in situations where asshats are running lose in the general population).

I do believe in protests but they have be to organized and purposeful, otherwise you are simply ruining your community in the physical structure (burning building costs money), in taxes (which are going straight to the authorities who are trying to stop you), and in the air of fear (perceptions of safety is key). Riots do nothing for community building. Business suffer too, case and point this London restaurant:



This wry apology left in the window of a British Subway is bad news for anyone who likes to enjoy a meatball sub while watching a double-decker bus burst in a terrifying inferno. It seems would-be patrons of this establishment have a better chance of finding a toasted building here than a toasted foot-long. While I certainly enjoy the display of that famous dark British "humour" whoever wrote this missed a prime opportunity to direct looters toward the nearest Quizno's.

Also on the lighter side, is anyone concerned what global image these riots are leaving on all nations participating in the upcoming Olympics??? Who wants to visit a city that cannot control their citizens, where no one feels safe. Perhaps this should be the new Olympics logo:

Damn thieves!!! Some roided up athlete is going to catch you for stealing the rings...

one way to stop office thieves

Well here is one way to stop all those food thieves around the office, mislabel your food:



Not sure how effective this will be but you have to respect the creativity. I'm pretty sure the people who steal food would probably be the ones who think these types of diseases could be carried in a yogurt container.

Back in the big Minney I used to be the pop stealer. I mean I was poor and putting myself through school, and sometimes a girl just needs a Coke pick-me-up. I wonder if they knew it was me??? Probably. I'm not that stealth.

I don't have this problem at work, but I'm thinking about putting "Lupus" on all my containers just in case.

palin needs a fashion consultant

I've been watching former-Alaskan-governorator/former-VP-candidate/current-family-road-tripper/current-media-whoure as she begins her bid for presidency. She has been traveling up and down the east coast in a big bus eating pizza and making up history. Although she won't yet admit it, this road trip is scheduled to end in DC in January 2013.

On this amazing media tour/family vacation, Palin has been wearing some jewelry which is begging for alittle LL fashion commentary:

Case and point #1:



In the words of Simmon, what the bloody hell is that? Seriously, I saw this picture (without the paint doodling) and thought, 80's much? How many bad necklaces can one person put on? Less is more lady, not sure you know that yet in fashion and in politics. Those fake pearls go great with those vampire repelling silver chains and jesus cross.

Case and point #2:



Wow, another jesus cross! You're just shouting religiosity. I have one question though, did you steal that from a pirate? From the Vatican? From the crown jewels vaults in London? On another note, what the hell kind of fake/crushed fur jacket is that? I bought one of those once for a pimp-n-hoes party during Halloween. It cost me about $10 and looked great with my crunk cup.

Case and point #3:



Well this jewelry selection is a little more confusing. Apparently, one necklace is the key to your heart while the other is the star of david. The six-point star is a frequent choice during your media blitzes, and I don't get it. What lock does that crown key open? Inquiring minds would like to know.

And finally, case and point #4:



This looks like something chunky I would wear, except I'm 6 feet tall with a personality twice that size. I can pull off (or so I think) chunkiness, you however look as if you strung some crystallized dinosaur poop to your neck. Are the shapes geographical? You betcha, one piece is Africa, and another is the shape of Russia I see from my back porch. True story, she never admits when she's wrong.

Well I do hope your bus, which has your name the same size as the constitution, decides to start campaigning this year. Frankly you are just too much fun to disappear from the politick scene. Palin, always good comedic value.

you may need a new color of tights

OK it is official, you probably shouldn't wear nude tights! I swear I would have died if I saw this in Lowes. I'd be whipping my head back and forth, rubber-necking in a state of shock. It took me a minute to realize what was happening here, and that was in a picture. Considering you are the cashier, I guess that whole "no shirt, no shoes, no service" thing doesn't really apply:

a big b-u-s to stay off of

I do believe that is a MI license plate. Knew it.

Yep, it happens, right there. I like the big b-u-s though!!!

bad bad shoes

Well these are just horrible. What designer thinks that flippers and heels are a good combination? I think not. I mean how would women (or certain men--remember baby you were born that way) even walk in these??? Wouldn't anybody walking in these shoes sort of look like Ronnie McDonald?? I for sure would trip on my damn face. Trust me, it could totally happen and has multiple times in the past. Bad, bad fashion, and please just say no.

These aren't as bad as these or these or these, but they are right up there:

yikes, not nearly as sexy

Well I'm a Clive Owen fan. This is not a secret. I mean clearly, he is some tall British eye candy. Again I repeat how is that one small island can produce so many things I love? I remember back in the "Inside Man" days (best. movie. ever.), I used to have this photo saved on my desktop for weeks.

Imagine my disappointment when I ran across this photo recently of Mr. Owen:

So yes I'm a fan of the moustache (Thanks G for the newest link), but this is not a good choice on my former crush. Please just say no (or stay out of public). I hope this is for a movie role, and not fo reals. Clive has grown a bad stache, and apparently a molester haircut to go with it. I mean I can't even get a good "handlebar ride" on that. Weak.

Maybe I should just stick with Lee Pace and his piano playing for alittle longer.

say no to drugs, but not chewy (please)

OK I'll be the first to admit, I don't know shit about telemarketing (i.e., the LL way of saying advertising) but I'm pretty sure this drug warning is confusing:



First, I think Chewy is pretty normal. I like big hairy/harry people. I also like people who know when to shut the hell up, or who talk in their own language (insert my favorite noise). See Chewy is either quiet or grunts, and both are fine by me.

B, what if when you are high you see things like Chewy? Totally could happen, or so I hear. It is possible after you have smoked your own teeth you might also see Chewy walking through your backyard in Montana.

Thirdly, did Chewy pose for this baseball ad? Or was this at a real game I missed? I vote for Chewy throwing more opening pitches. OR maybe (here's hoping) Chewy is a new member of a baseball team and plays regularly. Sign me up bitches.

D, is the new Meth slogan "not even once"? Again, I think this more confusing that effective. Maybe that because I don't do drugs. Riiiight I'm not the target audience. Got it.

So in conclusion kiddos, take it from your Aunt LL: say no to drugs but not to Chewy (and one last time for good measure, click here and then on the face). The world needs more Chewy.