vicky's makes permanent headlights

Well I just read that American woman's favorite over-priced lingerie store has started making bras with built-in permanent highlights. For those that don't know, when I say headlights or high beams, I'm talking fully erect boobies....like you could cut glass with those things....like they're looking-right-at-me type of nips.

Apparently, Vicky's (aka Victoria's Secret) in all their glorified size zero telemarketing, has created a bra that not only lifts and separates but also provides a little (would you like a suckle of my ziple?) dimension. You don't need to turn into JLo and hire a nipple tweeker, just shop at Vicky's and buy it built in. Don't worry having to buy the silicon nipple inserts, just pick up a bra with the highbeams already turned on:

This would do abs-fuckin-nothing for me. I got huge girls already and frankly I don't need any type of bra that further enhances the gifts that were passed down me. Most of the time I'm trying to keep them under wraps, and not letting them out free in the open saying hello to everyone!!!!

is england the same as great britian?

Wellll I ran across this video that thoroughly explains the differences between England, Great Britain, and the United Kingdom. I mean it all sounds the same to me, for example, I absolutely, positively love your music, your accent, your capital (London calling?) and wish that I could spend the rest of my horribly boring life in a small flat in England/Great Britain/United Kingdom. Yes please.

So if you care and/or are confused, this video can be very very informative:



I do wish that the guy explaining all thi crap had that lovely British accent so that I would want to jump his bones; istead this sounds like some know-it-all American dude.

England, so tiny, so amazing, soooo powerful and lovely. Someone hire me there plllllease.

PS, note that they mention all the "British" islands in the caribean and what that means. Wonderfully, I've visited some of them and been eaten alive for weeks on end.

music of the moment

What song is playing over and over in my head???? I love me some Black Keys.

perhaps children shouldn't drink this

Sometimes I have these moments where you learn about some different uses for the everyday things in our lives, and it freaks me out. Case and point, I remember a story of someone who couldn't get the lugnuts on their car wheel to loosen when changing a flat in the winter. The only thing this person had was a bottle of Coke, and sure enough that sugary pop ate away at the rust loosing the nut!!! How scary is that?!?! I drink that shit. If it can ate away at rust and steel, can you imagine what it is doing to my stomach!

In that vein, I just read about how people are using powdered Kool-aid to clean their toilet!!! Apparently it will do the job if you let it set overnight. Does anyone else wonder if these are good things to be serving children??? If a drink can clean your toilet, I'm pretty sure it should be your beverage of choice. Crap, I used to love Kool-aid and would eat the powder straight up. Maybe that is what is wrong with me....

I think I'll stick with my bleach tablets.

two people I truly love

My fav Betty White appeared on my fav Craig F this week. If you need to brighten your day, watch this as the sexual humor and story telling continues in a scotish accent:

multi-tasking on the toilet

You know, I'm one of the ultimate multi-taskers. Well how the hell do you think I get so much done? I can organize and multi-task the shit out of you. Due to this fact, a recent study was not surprising to me, or maybe even too low.

I just read about a study finding suggesting that 27% of American use their mobile device to check facebook when on the toilet. Only 27%??? I probably spend over 50% of my toilet time multi-tasking. I talk on the phone and flush with my foot to avoid good cell reception. I frequently bring my entire laptop with me while watching a movie. I also talk on the phone when in airport bathrooms. I guarantee if you are reading this, I've been working on a good number two whilst talking to you on the phone.

I can even tell when other's are in the bathroom and attempting to multi-task (and consequently not doing it as good as me). Case and point, I talked to a friend the other day and I asked what she was doing (a normal LL first question to establish the situation). I said "well it sounds like you're in the bathroom" and she replied no way, but I insisted that is was OK if she was. Turn out, sure enough I got her to crack and admit it to me right there. It was great.

Now I'm not a fan of facebook but I have tweeted from the can. With this new phone, I can be an even better multi-tasker. Here's hoping in the next year I'm up to 75% of phone usage on the toilet. I can do it.

winter blues?

Check out this picture and remember it could be worse:

a (good) weekend rewind

Sooo I spent the weekend with my good friend, who was visiting from the big CA (baby). I haven't seen him in 8 years, and before that day visit, it was another 6 years. We go back to the mid 90's circa 4-H years. We were both involved in the 2-year exchange program where a bunch of teenagers traveled and wreaked havoc across the states. I remember one camping trip where we TPed the entire campground and put toilet seat covers in paths using the kabob sticks! This was also a time when I had corn-rows/braids in my hair! (note, I was a semi-horrible teenager---much different than the adult LL).

Well this friend now works as an engineer for some small company called the US Military, and comes to Norfolk all the time. Over the last 4 years we have seriously missed each other in ridiculous ways, where once I was flying to CA at the exact same time he was flying to VA. He had a stay over in the big VA this week and decided to get out of the "armpit" (as he referred to it) to visit good old Cville.

Saturday we did a little wine tasting and then got an early seat at Mas, my favorite restaurant. He had never done Tapas before and I was craving those mussels (which consequently had clams in them and were not as good as normal, boooo). We tried a couple other restaurants for after dinner drinks but ended up at Durty Nellys, a Cville whole in the wall / watering hole. Finally on Sunday AM we hit up Bluegrass for some of my fav whole wheat biscuits and tofu/lime hash. What a world wind of great yet odd Cville experiences.

It truly was an enjoyable visit with lots of relaxing, and talking, and catching up. I had an old friend from MI once tell me that I always knew who I was, so there really isn't a change when I see people from past lives. I felt like this during this visit. It was an oddly satisfying weekend that perfectly complimented my new lifestyle. I felt more at ease and supported then I allow myself normally, where there would be 10-15 silence between conversations. Here's to more of these good times!

some BO news

So we have had some big BO news lately....not the political, life-changing decisions he makes everyday, but more of the type that I like. Case and point, apparently the big BO started dying his hair, to scad off those pesky gray hairs that are an enviable part of being the leader of the free world. The only problem is he does it within the same day. This week whilst the Chinese president was in town there were two pictures that surfaced:

Also we learned this week that the big BO wants us to play some drinking games on Tuesday night. I got a twitter message from him stating that I should join a State of the Union party. I doubt these parties are the type I'd like to attend where we find a trend or word to do shots to. For example, years ago we did "hope" and maybe this time we could do "reach across the aisle."

Look at BO, enjoying to dye our hair and party!!! I like it.

the winter inch

Everyone has a winter inch....you know, something you do in order to pull yourself out of the glum of the colder season. Some of my friends need dance parties, other's tend to eat themselves out of the snow. I just met someone in DC who throws a big party each winter so all his friends can get drunk and shake off the winter blues.

I, on the otherhand, try to extend my powers towards fun ways to reinvent myself. Back in the day I would put pink streaks in my hair (see Rihana new do), or most recently get a new color pop in my wardrobe (see Nicki's pop). But since my last week, I've had a craving to get some fake nails again. Why? Something different.

So Wednesday on the way home from DC, I stopped at a "ghetoo pedi" place and got the new technology of pink and white powders. This was wayyyy more complicated then the last time I did this a couple years ago. Apparently, the technology of getting your nails did has moved forward. Needless to say, I know can't type worth shit or open my own cans of beer....but it looks good and we'll see how long this business lasts.

I'm efficient

Over the last year, since I officially enrolled in my power company's "Green" program, I get quarterly updates about where I fall in comparison to my neighbors, my most efficient neighbors, and with something like Al Gore's global warming standards. Every couple months I get my nose rubbed in the fact I am single and entirely too wasteful (I mean, really, I unplug things and recycle and have good light bulbs!). I'm not as bad as some people but not with my most efficient neighbors (bastards).

Well yesterday I received an update, and I'm happy to report that I am now EFFICIENT. I'm more efficient than everyone, on average, and am kicking ass with some steel toed boots. This might have something to due with the fact that I was traveling for about 40 days over the last 3 months, but let's just ignore that sidebar.

Well color me green...did I turn off my lights this AM? :)

picture of the day

What is this business? Homo dairy products? Yes, indeed, drinking milk is sort of gay.

Again, you need someone to proofread your business and make sure that your telemarketing isn't off. Hire me, I could totally do that.

music of the moment

I'm being a radio rockstar this AM....yep if you are up, catch me on WNRN from 6-9 AM EST. This is the acostic sunrise show, and I do sometimes love the music (especially Mumford & Sons, and Florence+her machine). Today I heard this song and it reminded me how much I love those British musicans. I have Adele's freshman album and am greatly aniticipating her sophomore out later this month. Here is the hot hot hot title track which really gets me going:




She is amazing. Plus I love normal sized people in the mainstream media. Lovely.

music of the moment

I really like this new Diddy song with the voice of Skylar Grey. Dare I say Diddy is back??? It is good:

music of the moment

I've been listening to alot of Ryan Adams lately, between the holiday trip to traveling for work. Not sure why, but his soulful acoutic music has been playing in my head. This song, in particular, has been a good jam (with a little Emmylou Harris):

c-b-scares

Well McBetty and I had a large amount of laughter last night when we saw this CBS promotional commercial (worth 15 seconds of your time in order to feel really awkward for this actor):



CREEPY!!! Is that guy wearing black satin PJs (insert Howard from BBT)? Sitting in front of some candles? Talking about his family jewels? Telling us that the best v-day gift is healthy balls? Yes, yes he is.

So this is a campaign by CBS to remind you to be healthy....you know stop drinking and smoking, and remember to feel up your respective body parts once a month. The only problem is their acronym is CBScares, which to me looks like C-B-Scares. I don't know who CB is, but he surely is scary, indeed. I think your telemarketing company should have bought that to your attention, to be like, either you need a new acronym or you need messages that aren't CREEPY, bordering on scary.

From here on out, these are the C-B-Scares telemareting....gives a whole new meaning to my saying of "holy balls!"

getting my Elvis on

Well if you are checking my Twitter feed, you'd know I had a last minute trip to Memphis this week that was immediate shot to shit by the horrid south snow storms. It took me 24 hours to go from Cville to the home of Blues music. I spent most of Th/F working and ended up having to stay in town on Saturday for some follow-up meetings. This sort of sucked because my initial plan was to make the 3 hour trip to Nashville for the weekend to visit a friend. No playing for LL. Sad.

So yesterday after meetings, I decided to go tour Elvis's home, Graceland, since I couldn't make it across the state. I had a GREAT time at Graceland and decided that Elvis and I would have been good friends (BFFs?).....all the sparkles, the eccentric tastes, the love of music (and booze equally). McBetty agreed with me via text about the love of booze, but we agreed that the King and I differed on the pill addiction--I said I plan to try that in my 30's (which Poppa B did not think was funny at all)!

Here are some pictures from the afternoon of Elvis:



The front of Graceland. The back extended into horse stables, indoor racketball courts, offices, a pool, and a meditation garden.



Elvis is burned in his original meditation garden, which apparently was one of his favorite places on the property. It was recently his birthday so there was fanfare everywhere.



The King had all kinds of different rooms throughout his house. They said when he would travel he would bring back pieces of things that inspired him....like the Hawaii themed room full of craved wood furniture. I liked all the stained glass throughout. And I particularly enjoyed this full fabric-ed game room. WICKED!!!! I am going to fabric my ceiling someday.

I liked looking at Elvis's fashion and I appreciated all this charitable work. He felt very blessed for his success and gave alot of it away. I liked this, very very much. And I didn't realize the way he crossed over in all his music--winning award for Christian, Blue, Country genres. A-mazing.

After Graceland, I made my second visit to the most famous BBQ in Memphis. I sat at the bar, and enjoyed my time eatin, drinkin, and socializin with the bartender.

Well I fly out tonight but am headed to Jackson (half way between Memphis and Nashville) to meet my friend for lunch and some shopping. Here's to a little Memphis/TN visit....

meTunes is sort of like me-search

Well I love me some JonStew, and his post-act Colbert. This week he had a (master) debate by two of my favorite bands: Vampire Weekend and the Black Keys. Over the last two years, I've featured these two artists many times on my music of the moments (here and here). Turns out they are both up for Grammy's this coming month, and why won't Colbert try to sell his vote. He is meTuning it up, just like many academics me-search it up:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
MeTunes - Grammy Vote - Dan Auerbach, Patrick Carney & Ezra Koenig<a>
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog</a> Video Archive

What's your sign? (minus 1 month)

Sooo I was having a thrilling conversation the other day about Zodiac signs. I didn't know what sign I was---a turtle, a dove, a rattlesnack---turns out I'm a unicorn! Actually, the truth (with some cheese on it) is I still don't remember what I am. BUT I did learn that I was connected with Helga sexually. Yep, we should just be dating each other!!! Like we didn't know that for the last 10+ years.

Well anyways, you can understand why I was unhappy when I read that the zodiac signs may be changing. Apparently the earth's wobble (weeble?) has created a 1 month bump from when you were born. CRAP!!! That just throws off my entire world. Now I'm a donkey....I knew it. Probably an orange one, that humps things.....all because of the cosmic weeble that sets us all back a month.

This begs the question, is the world wobbling??? Are we no longer on an axis? Does this have anything to do with the fact that 49 our of 50 states had snow on the ground this week? Or perhaps it is all the birds and fishs dying?

In other related news:

• I'm actually only 5'5
• Jesus (my homeboy) could part water and then turn into vodka

a bearded hat

Well I've found the perfect new hat for you. I'd probably be OK with you buying me this gift as well. What do you need???? You definitely need a hand knitted bearded beanie. That's right folks, this is a hat AND a beard cover all in one knitted warm package of love. What's that??? You don't have any facial hair to keep warm? No worries, just keep your chinny chin chin from chapping in the wind (it's multi-functional). Maybe this isn't the best hat for you if you have a large moustache, and in that case please just email me directly so we can play together (moustache right?).

What I particularly like about this bearded beanie is that the model head on their website are women. Are we targeting women with our telemarketing? Are women more likely to be wearing bearded hats? Perhaps we should go a little more gender neutral and ethnically ambiguous (right, helga?).

On a side note, I really do love the etsy website, where you can get some wonderfully fun artsie crap. For example, I'm been looking up Macbook stickers so that I can jazz up the computer and be cool like those kids on BBT (depending on your definition of cool, I guess). Great way to support grassroots artists.

can you hear me now?

Well last weekend I took a preventive step, before the damm thing died, and invested a new cell phone. I've had the same piece of shit one for over 3 years and in the world of cell phones that is just a-mazing. I have been anticipating the release of the iPhone to other carriers besides those AT&T asshats, but when I heard it was only Verizon, I ended the strike. I bought a stupid Android and then bitched about it for 2 days. I'm not changing phone companies and therefore I'll still travel with my iTouch, my iPod and now my Android. Shoot me in my head.

So everyone is sooo excited. That sound you hear??? Millions of AT&T users switching to an equally crappy service, and then everyone yelling into their new iPhone, "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" (or if you were LL, you'd say it in German). OK OK we get it Verizon, you have a catchy telemarketing brand.....you can walk in circles asking repetitive questions with your phone and everyone still gets the message. Yessss for christsake we can hear you, you're getting an iPhone, now stop bragging about it.

My purse is heavy from the 70 pound of electronics I carry. I hate you.

epic psychologist fail

OK so I'm surrounded by Psychologists all day, and I'll admit I choose to spend most of my free time with the really cool alcoholic Psychologist friends I have too. BUT I think you may be in your own mental world tooooo much when you choose this license plate and no one around you can see it.

I mean it is sort of like some psychological pictures where you can see a women or a skull depending on if you are a serial killer and a telemarketer; OR when you play the "camera 1, camera 2" game with your eyes when trying to do one of those magic eye books. Here's what you need to do: cross your eyes and stand on one leg, and then maybe you'll see that you are totally sending the wrong message:

music of the moment

Well here are three things that make you an interesting artist to me:

1. Born and raised in the Austin, Texassss music scene
2. Discovered as a songwriter by Prairie Home Companion (Go Minney)
3. Mentored by T-Bone Burnett

Enter, Sahara Smith (PS, you're named after my favorite movie!). I heard an NPR report on her a couple months ago which put her closer on my radar. Diggin her--definitely a hybird of country and bluegrass with a little Ryan Bingham feel. She also made the list of albums missed in 2010.

She is coming to Cvile this month and I'm hoping to hear this catchy song:

black swan making the rounds

Well last week I saw Black Swan--which is NOT the marriage of Twilight characters Jacob (Black) and Bella (Swan). It was a good thriller, and yes N. Portman deserves an Oscar (nod), but it was not as psychologically thrilling as I thought it would be. I like the psychological part but I pretty much knew what was going to happen from the beginning. Either way Black Swan is making the rounds, especially this funny from SNL last weekend. Last time I saw J. Carey in a tutu was when he was in Ace Ventura, and that was just damn funny:

a new years open letter

Dear new gym-go-ers,

It is 1/9 which means I'd like to officially request that you quit your New Years resolution of working out. You gave it 9 days, now stop coming to the gym. Because I just can't take it. You crowd my classes, you let your children run with you on the track, and you don't know to wipe down the machines. We all pay a boatload each month, which includes childcare....this means your 3 year old should not be running next to me on the track (because he could run through my legs).

New Years resolutions suck. Now quit yours so my everyday life can return to normal.

Love,

The habitual gym go-ers.

BO is flippy flopping it up

Well this is another Presidential first!!! Over the holidays the big BO was photographed in public wearing.....my favorite......flippy flops. Wowsa, who knew he had such style. It is very exciting to see the leader of the free world sporting these fine fine $2 footwear:

So for those who don't know I'm a huge fan of the flippy flop. Like really addicted to them. I just can't wrap up my feet that much, they need to be free and out in the open. I'm not too excited about tying up my feetsies. Go free!

PS, chicken legs???

music of the moment

I want to download this as my new ringer....it just sticks around in my head...what's my name??? na, na, na

tranquil AM

Well this AM was a very tranquil, peaceful time. If you missed it, which I'm assuming many of you did, the sun rise was soooo pretty. It fanned upward from a bright red to pink to purple to blue, and it went from very crimson to coloring the entire sky. To boot, I also had one of my favorite piano pieces on (second to Clair de Lune).

Sort of made me want to do some yoga or meditate if my ankle was so swollen. Now I'm at work, sitting on my ass, foot iced and evaluated, where I'll remain for the next 8 hours. Good thing I had the brief moment at 7ish.

shut up, big O

Well I have a slight rant on the Big O. I mean first off, you have to give the lady some props. She is a legend....a talk show host, an entrepreneur, a philanthropist, a billionaire....but damn sometimes I wish she would just shut the hell up. She got the whole world wrapped around her finger--telling them what books to read (the club), what things to buy at Christmas (her favorite things), and basically how to live their lives.

I don't typically watch her show, but while at the gym on Friday I saw her interview J.K. Rowlings. I figured this would be worthwhile since it is HP, J. K. rarely grants interviews, and the Big O had to go to Scotland to speak with her. I mean this is a brilliantly talented billionaire author, and the Big O couldn't shut up to let her speak. When you ask a question, you should allow some downtime for someone to answer before you start talking about yourself. But no no no, O would jump in and answer for herself. Made me want to punch her...right in the throat.

The Big O always does this. If she isn't comparing everything to herself, she is talking in ridiculously exaggerated emphasis on odd words with varying volumes. As a matter of fact, there are hundreds of youtube videos chronically this over the last 25 years.

Just kill me now. As Helga says F me in the A. Why doesn't anyone just retire anymore? She'll be back. You heard it here first.

technology has made it to the masses

Well it's official....some advanced technology have made it to the masses. Case and point, a majority of the Christmas cards I received this year were just those picture post cards. The friends and family that would normally send a card or at least a letter update, only send one picture postcard with basic holiday salutations. No stories, no updates, just a picture.

You know what this means, right? It means that technology has officially made it to the masses, where older generations now know how to upload pictures to the internets and order holiday products. I mean these are people who couldn't turn on a computer 5 years ago, but now are making creative Christmas greetings. I just can't believe it, changes are happening. Maybe Momma B will be able to proactively do this next year???

Just an observation for ya'll.

a spiky pinecone took me out

Well I have another sad report in the world of LL. For those who don't know, I've been plagued by bad ankles since I was an athlete who just keep playing year-round on damaged cartilage. I remember a doctor at some point saying to me "the only think holding your ankle together right now is your skin." Joy. Good work.

Last night I was out for a hike throughout the trails, law school and business school by my house. I was loitering around, looking at the trees, listening to music, and immersed in my own world when a spiky pinecone took me down. Yep, you heard it here first, a small inch diameter pinecone took all 6 feet of me down to the sidewalk. This wasn't a normal pinecone, instead it was a spiky ball of death. Those mother f-ers are strong! It didn't even crack it, but it popped my ankle and before I knew what was going on I was on the wet ground. I got up and sat there thinking "ohhh it is getting hot, this means it is going to be a bad one." I've done this so much over the last 14 years that I know when it is broken, when it is a stress fracture, and the varying degree of sprain-ness.

So I turned my sorry ass around and headed home. I immediately started rotating icing and elevation, and thankfully wake up this AM with not too much swelling. But that good feeling was shot to shit as soon as I walked the 2 blocks to work where it ballooned up. I think I'll have some wicked bruising too, that goes up my leg. Hot.

I secretly wonder what it looks like when big people fall? Perhaps I videotape me on a mountain attempting to ski again???? That too would be a good illustration.