Dear Dad,

Happy Father's Day. I just bought this for you:

Annnnd you're welcome.

Love,

LL

worse. dad. ever

Sure, your father played catch and went to your school plays, but he also thought Grey Goose was too expensive for your undeveloped palette. Poppa B taught me all about meat but not so much about what booze infused beverage I could compliment it with.

Sooo let's hand that "World's Best Dad" mug over to this guy:

thinking through crotch hugs

The background:

The rental units have worked at a major college for a billion of years. These units only ever wear the colors of this university, and do not have anything else from the color wheel. This worked well for their respective jobs. Momma B used to feed all the athletes at this so called university. As such, they got to know her nice short little self. She would bounce around wearing green, feeding them pasta and gateraid while making sure they had a balanced training table diet. She leaves an impression, all 4 feet of her in black lace-ups.

The story:

Let's fast forward 10 years later to the LAX TSA lane circa earlier this month. There Momma B was going through security, setting off all the alerts because half her new body is metal replacements, when someone recognized her. Some extremely tall, basketball-looking, super-nice fine man recognized her (and Poppa B confirmed this sighting, as I question if sub-tymers isn't setting in). Once through security the guy gives her two hugs and they chatted briefly.

The clarification:

It should be noted that Momma B can't tell a story to save her life. She bounces around and following the point is often difficult. So after hearing this story, I needed a couple essential clarifications:

• He recognized you? Oh commmme on I barely recognize you when I see you once a year and you can't even remember MY name (I get called the dog's old name often).
  
• He hugged you? I mean, how did that work? The guy is 7 feet tall and you are 4 feet which roughly means you could walk between his legs. For reals, this spontaneous act of hugging is close to a physical impossibility.
  

Once Momma B had stopped wheezing from my line of questions, I made the best summary of the entire situation:

• You "crotch hugged" Mo-Pete.

I don't find this remotely fair. Why don't you short people hug people your own size. Leave the tall fine men for the tall (amazing) women, like me :) Hug someone your own size next time.

So apparently the fam thought this whole "crotch hug" terminology was pretty funny as it was repeated numerous times throughout the last week. I suppose the crotch hug could be considered a "crappy hug" but for me it is pretty fanfuckintastic. I have absolutely no problem crotch hugging good looking men.

The pictorial representation:

If you have no idea what I am talking about here is a great pictorial representation of the LLism of crotching hugging:

Green lady = Momma B

Yellow giant = Best flintstone basketball player ever

Mo-Pete, thanks for making my mom's year! That was super nice of you.

webcam 101

Old people are so funny. I have noticed momma and poppa B in particular are much more carefree in their retirement. They laugh alot more and are generally more tolerable.

But technology can be real confusing for old people. I mean there are so many buttons and warning and business happening. I swear. Case and point, take this old couple who's working on their computer, trying to get their damn webcam to work right....there also is a request to show your boobs, making me wonder if old people porn is on the rise:



That grandma is going to town on some cough drop! Or she is rolling her fake teeth around in her mouth. Man that grandpa is a check too...burping and singing and requesting flashing.

party (not sexy) time

Well put on your party dress, get your hair did, and let's take a road trip to the big MI for a damn wicked party. Yes, you heard me right...MI, mid-summer, party.

After a combined 50+ years of service to MSU, the parental units have retired. In their honor, the three little Momma B's decided to invade their retirement nest and throw a big party. We planned and saved for a year for the event, and it is our gift to them. It will be the gift that just giving and giving and giving....

For the last 6 months we have been having family meetings, building out websites, reserving blocks of rooms at hotels, sending invites and planning the logistics. The tent is ordered. The tables and chairs will be delivered. The slow cooked pig will be smelling delicious. And there will be plenty of booze. I hope to do shots of tequila with the drunk old ladies in the hammock again.

We have people flying in from across the country: Washington, Kansas, Minnesota, Wisconsin, California, and the big VA. The girls (not my boobs) have already started their annual trip back to the big MI. I leave next week and plan to bring back 30 pounds of dried cherries with me. TSA is going to love me.

This is my summer vacation and I'm looking forward to seeing all my extended family and friends!!!

quote of the meat filled day

Now that Poppa B is all retired and officially out of the academic hell that now is my everyday life, he has decided to change his email signature to reflect his personal meat filled humor. I read this out loud to two people today who thought it was hilarious, so I thought it was worth passing along:

• "I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."

Ahhh, good point. Words to live by. Keep it all in perspective people.

Also on the topic of meat....we have officially launched the new company website which looks pretty damn amazing if you ask me. At least it has a pro-fessional spin to it, and will serve it's purpose well.

news on this hump day

1. I finished a project today that has been 2 years in the making!!! Holy balls, now that is progress. Slow, yet forward. OK maybe two steps backwards and three forward....
2. I didn't swear at my computer nearly as much today in the office. See, progress!
   
3. I just walked in the door, excited for the scheduled dinner party tonight, only to find that my red crocker pot filled with two pork chili verde coated loin/lions was indeed turned on but apparently NOT plugged in! No amazing smells wafting from my front door. Sad.
   
4. Guess this means I'm treating everyone to go out to eat! Woot woot. I vote sushi.
   
5. I called Dr. Meat Man (aka, Poppa B) who informed me that even though the lion/loin was defrosted and sat out for 6 hours, I should still cook it and eat myself. He gave this advise after admitting that Momma B would probably say throw it out--can't wait to see if my horid immune system can take it (this was my defense for years on why I never wash my fruits/veggies)!!!
6. Right now I'm a little McKranky at the city of Bmore. I don't play games, this you should know about me for the future. So if you dick me around, I will turn and walk fast the other way with a selective finger to the sky. You've been warned.
7. I earned an entire gallon of OJ today. Best. Present. Ever (better when companied with vodka, but beggars can't be choosers). Thx M.
   

I really don't mind a little Romeo

Wellll I just heard about an official new club for old(er) men. You know, those crazy old batty ladies have their red hat(ers) club where it is hen party after hen party. Momma B is the official Queen B of her MIzzz club and I have a pink hat for being under 50 (and proud of it). But the men, they don't really have any club or cool organization to call their own. Enter, ROMEO. Can you guess what is stands for????

• Retired Old Men Eating Out (ROMEO)

(insert obvious LL joke, mohahahah)

ROMEOs are popping up all over the country. These retired guys just go to a diner and drink coffee and hang out and probably bitch about their wives. Sounds GREAT!!! They kind of already have this for Poppa B but it has a different name, that frankly in my opinion isn't nearly as fun as ROMEO. Mr. B, you definitely need to start one of these and come up with a name like "Hard Hat Botherhood" (see above website).

I don't know why I love old people so much. It probably has something to due with my kickass dirty grandparents and good old friends in WA who swore at me at church. I can't wait until I'm retired. It's going to be a blast (even though the girls will be in my shoes or missing).

add a meatball to my taco

Sooo I was just reading about how spaghetti tacos are becoming a hit for little tweens and consequently their parents. It all started as a joke on a popular Nick show, and now they are making there way to restaurant menus (like when I used to order Spaghetti O's at Finleys when I was younger and poppa B would get so pissed!). Nutritionists are worried that there is not enough fruits and veggies in the meal, but generally support the combining of ethnic food groups. I wonder what other foods I could combine:

• Sushi hamburger
• Pizza eggroll
• Curried burrito

What other odd food combinations could we start???? Hmmmm....

highlights of my day

• First pumpkin spiced latte of the season. Absolute heaven.
• Love notes on the plastic pinto at work. Hump, hump, hump.
• Getting bootie slapped randomly at the gym (OK, OK it was someone I knew but at first with was slap'n go which I thoroughly enjoyed).
  
• Roasting a chicken in the crock pot (poppa b would be so proud that I got it for 99 cents a pound, and paid attention to this). More evidence fall is here....LL crockpot creations and soups.
• I started downloading the 4 gigs of music and 100 gigs of videos I "borrowed" from T/D/C2 on Sunday. Bring on all the True Blood seasons, since I can't do hardcopy or audio books.
• Visiting 2 of my favorite local preschools and making a teacher almost cry with appreciation of our work. Joy.
  
• Picked up my new glasses! The new sun glasses = slight Olsen twins tendency. I got a new prescription where I can see again, makes driving less fun without the bluryness though.
• Getting a gift of homemade granola from a colleague that had MI dried cherries in it! Holla for MI products.
• Spending my lunch hour talking to Momma B now that she is retired with nothing but sewing to do.
• I think I took 2-3 major poops today, which is 2-3 more than Helga has in the last 5 days. Happiness.
  

congrats to momma b, the best lunch lady ever

Well a big congrats goes out to Momma B, who retired on Friday after 25 years old Michigan State Univ. madness. She has been a lunch lady for more years than I've been alive, and that in itself, is a huge accomplishment. I heard, through the grapevine, that she won the "golden" hair net award. It was almost as if this song was written for you (with a little help from Chris F.):



But a big congrats to you for surviving, for not killing anymore, for being a wonderful boss who everyone loved, for working really hard on that meatloaf, and for being a wonderful momma through it all. So here is some pictures from her retirement/don't-let-the-door-kick-you-on-the-way-out party:



That is the most beautiful fruit themed tea pot I've ever seen...I would have eaten all of that up. Yes please. Can I have the entire pot full of berries, please?



So 50-75 people my momma has worked with over the last 25 years (everyone from other lunch ladies, to maintenance staff, to chefs, to friends of the family) showed up for the free food and cake, and of course to wish her the best as the amount of time she has to spend with Poppa B dramatically increases. This dude has the biggest toolbelt on EVER. Crap, who knows how his pants are even staying up right there....

One thing I've always admired about my rents is that they are very fair-minded and open when it comes to other people and diversity. Throughout my childhood if there was a holiday where their graduate students, or foreign colleagues, or cafe workers, or poor interns needed a place to eat, they were automatically invited to our house. We would have always have diverse people over, who fortunately for me, would bring homemade curry or sushi or some Russian salad of goodness. I learned so much for those experiences. Anyone remember when Abdul told everyone that I was going to be s-m-r-t because I had a big forehead??? He claimed I'd have lots of brains.....good thing I proved him wrong :)



And finally Momma B had a gigantic cake in her honor too. That looks like one big piece of sugar....not my thing, or a key element to any good retirement party.

CONGRATS Momma B. Now we wait 6 months of Poppa B and you will both be free from MSU after a combined 55 years of services to the great state of MI. Good work. Sorry to have missed your party, but I had a glass (or two) of wine in your honor from VA!!!

hats off to poppa B

Well today is daddy r-e-s-p-e-c-t day...and I giving poppa b some love and a major shout out. I still think the world needs a "daughter day" but for now I'll just be satisfied that you're my poppa and that you didn't kill me when I was a little shit as a child. Thanks!!! I truly appreciate that.




God, I was onnnnneeee sexy child. Those glasses are amazing and of course I'm missing my front teeth because I'm pretty sure I would always knock those out as soon as they grew in :)