Dear Dad,

Happy Father's Day. I just bought this for you:

Annnnd you're welcome.

Love,

LL

the place for your next vacay

In these exotic waters, just feel free to express yourself, to let it all go, to be free with your body. Yeah again, you all miiiight need to hire me as all time proofreader for your telemarketing because that whole relaxing reflection isn't working for you:

why the bloody hell didn't I think of this

Why the bloody hell didn't I think of this when in college....



I mean I was ENROLLED in Liberal Arts and realllllly should have drunkenly made this happen. I blame all my a-mazing friends for not being creative and supportive enough.

On a related note, I have horrid spelling but I think I could have mastered this one.

talk about direct

Boy. This driver is direct. S/he is not messin' with you on the road. You know what you are getting and they aren't beating around the bush.

I assume your children is not a honor student then:



Unlike some of the creative alternatives to those stupid family stickers of mini-vans, this one will not be making it on the plastic pinto. I mean I have to park that burnt-grass-colored-beast at work and I don't need everyone knowing what ACTUALLY goes through my head on a daily basis.

I don't understand gingerbread houses

I like holidays. I also like holiday traditions, for example I put up my holiday tree mid-November this year. But there are some traditions throughout the year I just don't understand. Case and point, around the Christmas season, what is up with all these Gingerbread Houses?

I had this conversation at a local bakery the other day. I made my case that I don't understand spending so much time on something that is for display and cannot ultimately be eaten. All the baking and preparation and extreme sugar....it makes no logistical sense to me. Plus don't they always fall down? Frosting does not equal glue, folks. I mean, I was standing next to one at our college's competition and the jellybean house light just fall off. I didn't touch it or anything, and all the hard work was just crumbling in my presence.

Well this makes me want to review some of the most noteworthy gingerbread houses of the season. Award number one goes to the most insensitive, less PC house:



Subsequently, this is exactly the way my houses look whenever I try to build them. They typically end up in a pile or lump of natural disaster sweetness. If they happen to stay together, they may end up like this masterpiece (only I would put carrots, or whatever is left in my kitchen on my gingerbread house):



This one definitely gets award number two (which subsequently is close to poop). I find this one a remarkable resemblance of Beeker from the Muppets. You know, my favorite character which I have been chanting all over the house this holiday season. Mememe-Mememe-Mememe. If you don't know what I am talking about, check out this video:



See that house is a PERFECT Beeker. Told ya.

PS, that mess of hair on Beeker's head is also the way I sort of look in the mornings...or all day...whatev.

ya right, tried it already

Yeah right, picture of the day, this doesn't work! Tried it. Also while speeding to a bathroom for explosive number two...

batman and bill cosby

I may have ran across the cutest kid ever. He is BATMAN! ("I'm baatman" in a scratchy voice) With Halloween approaching, the kiddos are getting excited about their costumes. Ted, the cutest kid ever, has been working on his batman impressions and the best ways of flexing his muscles this fall holiday season:



Wow that is the best interpretation of BILL COSBY I've ever seen. Forget Batman, Ted has his Cliff Huxtable impression down to a science. That whole slow moving dance that looks like he is taking a poop. Remember how the Cosby Show used to redo their intros each season? It was always a dance party amongst all the actors where good old Bill would look alot like this little batman:



Yep, perfect. Batman and Bill, uncanny likeness.

I'm gonna diagram the shit out of you

So Nik and I recently had a major laughing fest whilst deciding to start diagraming the shit out of our everyday lives. This new goal was inspired by this picture:



I don't know who this Chris person is but he sounds like someone I would like to hang out with. What, you like to drink? What, you like balconies? What, your friends leave passive aggressive fun notes for you? Let's be friends.

Fun like this is the sole reason I purchased a million dollar half cork, half chalk board for our kitchen. So I can draw dirrrty things and then use an arrow to point to the equally dirty post-it note pinned up on the left. Ahhh good times.

So here is what I came up with for the bathroom:

1. Are you LL? No, then feel free to use the toilet.
   
2. Yes, have you pooped in the last day? Yes, proceed with caution.
3. No, is there a plunger available? Yes, proceed with caution and consider a two-flusher with a mid-poop pinch off.
4. No, go to the crazy neighbors.

Yep, I think this works. I'm posting it in the bathroom for future reference. Excellent.

Now I need you all to come up with more decision making trees for me....

plate of the day

I have this fascination with vanity license plates, and this one is good. I have to say, one woman's vanity plate is another man's poop joke. It's all about your perspective:

multi-tasking on the toilet

You know, I'm one of the ultimate multi-taskers. Well how the hell do you think I get so much done? I can organize and multi-task the shit out of you. Due to this fact, a recent study was not surprising to me, or maybe even too low.

I just read about a study finding suggesting that 27% of American use their mobile device to check facebook when on the toilet. Only 27%??? I probably spend over 50% of my toilet time multi-tasking. I talk on the phone and flush with my foot to avoid good cell reception. I frequently bring my entire laptop with me while watching a movie. I also talk on the phone when in airport bathrooms. I guarantee if you are reading this, I've been working on a good number two whilst talking to you on the phone.

I can even tell when other's are in the bathroom and attempting to multi-task (and consequently not doing it as good as me). Case and point, I talked to a friend the other day and I asked what she was doing (a normal LL first question to establish the situation). I said "well it sounds like you're in the bathroom" and she replied no way, but I insisted that is was OK if she was. Turn out, sure enough I got her to crack and admit it to me right there. It was great.

Now I'm not a fan of facebook but I have tweeted from the can. With this new phone, I can be an even better multi-tasker. Here's hoping in the next year I'm up to 75% of phone usage on the toilet. I can do it.

business in the front, party in the back

Nope I'm not talking about the years of fun during the 80s with Mullets....but here is a sign from a church that uses the mullet approach to policing their public areas. Apparently this building gives alot of services to various members of the community:

it is truly horrifying

Well here is a picture of the day that made me giggle. This was taken at Wallie World where apparently they are NOT paying attention to how they are filling their shelves. I personally do not find quilting that THRILLING, but I bet Momma B does. She spends all her time in her quilting room these days, including emailing me pictures out the window of the pooper suckers. Some might find quilting scarey, griping, or riveting, but I think most of us would have to disagree with this categorization:

highlights of my day

• First pumpkin spiced latte of the season. Absolute heaven.
• Love notes on the plastic pinto at work. Hump, hump, hump.
• Getting bootie slapped randomly at the gym (OK, OK it was someone I knew but at first with was slap'n go which I thoroughly enjoyed).
  
• Roasting a chicken in the crock pot (poppa b would be so proud that I got it for 99 cents a pound, and paid attention to this). More evidence fall is here....LL crockpot creations and soups.
• I started downloading the 4 gigs of music and 100 gigs of videos I "borrowed" from T/D/C2 on Sunday. Bring on all the True Blood seasons, since I can't do hardcopy or audio books.
• Visiting 2 of my favorite local preschools and making a teacher almost cry with appreciation of our work. Joy.
  
• Picked up my new glasses! The new sun glasses = slight Olsen twins tendency. I got a new prescription where I can see again, makes driving less fun without the bluryness though.
• Getting a gift of homemade granola from a colleague that had MI dried cherries in it! Holla for MI products.
• Spending my lunch hour talking to Momma B now that she is retired with nothing but sewing to do.
• I think I took 2-3 major poops today, which is 2-3 more than Helga has in the last 5 days. Happiness.
  

I had a number two bigger than that

Recently the Guinness World Book of records announced the newest "world's shortest man" measuring in at a whopping 22 pounds and 27 inches. Just to make a statement of fact, I believe I've had bigger number twos then 22 lbs. Seriously, I may have taken a poo bigger than this dude just this morning....

You may be thinking that this dude could be super young--well you'd be wrong--he is 24 year old. That is like a couple years older than he weighs!!! If we are using that as our unit of measurement, I'm 8x bigger/fatter (/phatter) than my age. Sad. Apparently I need more anal suppositories in my life!

Poor guy. Maybe being a giant isn't such a bad thing??? That is just too small, I would probably step on him...accidentally, of course!

this is just as bad as the snuggie

Well I just ran across the newest internet product sensation....the Snazzy Napper! This piece of crap rivals that damn backwards polar fleece jacket, the Snuggie. I don't really think this "Napper" is going to work. I mean the breath hole probably won't fit me right because I have a big forehead, or the blanket part won't fit over the girls. Also, isn't this a little middle-eastern-ish for all our closed-minded Americans? Plus I'm just really pissed that I didn't think of this and start marketing it years ago with "Leslie's Crafts & Stuff." Damnit. I'm always 40 cents behind:

picture of the day

Have you had your bathroom break today?

Classic picture of the day:

birds hate me

So I figured out this week that birds have been eating my strawberries and vented my speen a little here. Well it is like those birds are now coming at me from all directions now.....

I have been cat sitting for a friend this weekend and she lives in sort of a woody area, and it has been raining for about two days here too. I had to park my plastic pinto under a big tree, and this morning I had like 3 huge splats of bird shit on my windshield. These were not small poos by any means, seriously these birds must be eating something strange in the woods. And so I get myself moving, am on the bypass speeding my way home with the windows wide open, and realized I needed to get all the water off the window.....see where this is going yet????.....

Yeah the bird poo was still wet and fresh, and therefore the 3 gigantic turds smeared across the entire windshield!!! I can't even make this shit up. So not thinking I turned on my window cleaner because, you know, I couldn't see! Well this worked well until the blue liquid now infused with white bird poo started flying in my open window. DAMNIT!!!

At this moment, I remembered when I used to throw my gum out the front window and it was just get sucked back into the back window, and I how I love having my windows open. I wonder what would happen to me if I got a motorcycle so I don't have this window problem!

Anyways I made it home safely without crashing or killing anymore birds....stupid birds, you're time will come....