I miss olive garden

I think I might be turning into Kendra with my eternal love of the Olive Garden. I love pasta in general but the real draw here is the salad dressing. I could bath in that stuff. I could drink it straight from the bottle. When I was younger, I remember taking a salad in 3rd grade for lunch and then using a smaller container for my purchased Olive Garden dressing. #WhatALoser #ThirdGradeNerd

Well anyways, you can imagine my excitement whenever I leave the great city of Cville and am able to purchase the salad dressing. I buy truck loads of it and stuff it in all the crevasses of my suitcase. Case and point, my recent vacay to Myrtle Beach. I came home with two bottles and wouldn't share with Nik.

What does it look like when I approach an Olive Garden??? That is a good question. I mayyyy get a little ninja in my excitement. Here's an example:




Everyone knows unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks tastes even better when they don't see you coming. Plus I'm much better at scaling building after a bottle of wine, which works well in an chain Italian restaurant.

fair and balanced

Not this bitch's style:

music of the moment

I love love love this song right now. Total jam. I've been making Nik listen to it for like a month and thank god the video finally came out:



Nice lyrics Drake, you sexy bitch you.

better coordination than you

I don't like when animals are more talented than me. I'll be even more pissed if a cat is s-m-r-ter than me, but maybe I'm marginally more OK with dogs. I mean check this big d-o-double g:



You know, now that the government's been cracking down on dog fighting, dogs in the hood have had to find new hobbies.

A-mazing.

my next wedding invite

I've got my next 5 weddings already planned out. We are going to stretch them to locations worldwide including a beach and a roller skating rink. Hot times for the big LL.

Anyways, I just ran across the next invitation you'll get from me so that I can truly assess your excitability for joining me in another ceromony:

You can't check "all the above"

I sometimes wish my friends and their insufferable spouses-to-be were considerate enough to give  options this thorough. In fact, most of them could go ahead and delete the first two, and maybe even add a couple of others like, "depends on the food," "as long as there's an open bar," and "thanks but I'd rather jump off of a highway overpass into oncoming traffic."

what to bury me in

No one likes talking about their own mortality (except me), but with this bacon-wrapped death box, you'll be salivating over it. What better way to go to your final resting place than in a casket that resembles what was probably your final meal? Plus this quality piece of craftsmanwork will seal out the elements, perfectly preserving your fatally cloggged arteries for weeks to come:

Don't worry their website says this pork flavored box is just under $3000 which is TOTALLY affordable. And I like the company's tagline...."everything should taste like bacon". Couldn't agree more.

make your own tweets

I found another new website, but this one allows you to make your own celebrity tweets that you always wanted to see. Have you been begging for a Twitter shout-out from your favorite famous person, but they're too busy making terrible music, movies, or television to heed your pathetic cries for attention? Well now you can! Make fake (but dangerously convincing) tweet from LET ME TWEET THAT FOR YOU, a tweet template and bad-idea-waiting-to-happen that puts every celebrity Twitter account at your michievous fingertips. Here are some of my favorites:

This is bringing me back to PPTK at Christmas....oh D!

See Rush just needs a HUG :)

headline of the day

I assume this suggestive headline was an accident, much like having an overweight rock star's illegitimate love child. Either way, I really don't want to know what Meat Loaf does with his meat loaf. Now that a good unintentional dirty headline. I like it.

I need 4 friends...

OK friends, I got an idea. Well I sort of stole the idea. We all need to come together...no wrong choice of words...get together during the late afternoon. If you are bored and need a little fun, we can play the shadow puppets game with 5 people. I mean look at what these folks did, completely amazingballs:

There's only so many drinking games we can play before this happens.

Actually I think this mayyyy be a family on their yearly vacation. So for them, apparently there is only so much Uno a family can play before they start getting creative.

building pinball

I'd like to play this in person:

the best viral videos of 2011

Here are the best viral videos of 2011, check out to see how many of them you have seen (if not too many, congrats on having a life outside of your computer):



Each one of these videos had over 1 million views on youtube. That is is absolutely nuts. No wonder the economy is in the shitter. The more jobs are flowing through computers, the more we are multitasking to watch cats, and babies online. The world mayyy be coming to an end.

video of the day breakdown

Let's breakdown the ah-mazingness that is this newly selected video of the day:

• I love the 80's....the tight sweatshirts (Go pistons!), the mullets (party in the back, business in the front), and teased hair on the ladies (too much hair spray).
• I have two words for you: MOU-STACHE. Yes please. Ride for one.
  
• Geooorgia, georgia. On my mind.
  
• I LOVE extreme whistling.
• I need to be an audience member for this talk show. It looks like alot of fun.
  

I think we need to hit replay and watch that business again! That is soooome talent.

another alternative for the plastic pinto

We've had this conversation before. I really don't like those family doodle stickers on the back of minivans. They piss me off. I will never have one of those and if I ever change you have my permission to push me into on-coming traffic.

Couple months ago I came across a sticker I would consider using. It was about some hot copper colored Honda owner and your mom. Brilliant. Good play on words and sticker usage.

Recently I ran across another good option, albeit slightly more violent. I don't particularly like violence but you have to see the humor in:

No, still don't see it? Well this driver's bumper probably also has a sticker that says my child beat up your honor student. I just wonder what type of car it is...

hey girl, I don't give a shit

Well I had a hellish, yet fun week. I was to work by 7 AM everyday and drunk by 8 PM most nights. Apparently I've been working and playing pretty hard lately. This week, I spent some quality time with my girls where we constantly quoted 3 things which will make you laugh and stick in your head:

Number 1:

That stupid LMFAO song. All they're songs are stupid but soooo damn catchy (including the rock anthem). Now this one is my ringer that says "wiggle, wiggle, wiggle...I work out". Yesterday we were tailgating at the UVA game and it went off, and everyone was like what the hell is that. Wiggle, wiggle:



I work out. No fo real, I do. Yeah and I'm sexy and I know it.

Number 2:

I've been watching those wild animal shows lately. Not through cable television or with any factual base, but through one of my new favorite gay guys. Yep his name is Randell and he is an internets viral sensation. For example, check out this informational video about Honey Badgers:



So what is in my head, "Honey badgers, they don't give a shit". Nastyass honey badgers. What a badass, they just don't care. (I'm going to keep replying to you using these lovely new Honey Badger inspired saying).

Wow, I really like Randell. If you haven't already, you should totally subscribe to his YouTube channel and see what else he narrates (to classical music). For example, check out the Jesus Lizard.

Number 3:

While hanging out, B kept saying "hey girl" and I was like, that's from another viral video. Turns out we could quote the whole damn thing. Posted this a couple months ago after my gay husband was here for a visit, because it reminded me of his fierceness:



LOVES this. Could watch it, quote it, and love on it all damn day. All this week, Nik and I would laugh to this before going to bed:

• HEY GIRL! Hey girl.
  
• Nice try hoe
• But special, remember I'm special
• Rude...
• I can hear you bitches
• That's how you do it, bitch
• It's like pretty n' pink but the dress looked good

Now let's pull my fun week together into one phrase: "Hey girl, I work out, I don't give a shit"

sex on the (winter) brain

Momma B knits me shit, like socks and dish rags, but I'd like to officially request this hat:

Now I know it is going to be difficult to get all the humping, but I know you can do it. Get those needles moving fast and remember there is definite penetration here. I wonder if I wore this around if people would actually notice it was moose sex and not just moose. I mean I like moose, but I particularly like the dirty part!

I just mentioned this...

...the other day. I need a break, not a foot break but maybe a I-got-knocked-up-which-is-the-only-time-I-get-a-vacation. The only times we actually get a break is between jobs, when having a baby or when I finally reach retirement. I couldn't agree more:

just sticks in my head

Finally Colbie sophomore album is out and this song sticks in my damn head. You've been warned. However, I think I could do without the hipple granola video:

it's been one of those weeks

You know how you have those types of weeks...the ones that make you drink....the ones that exhaust you...the ones that make you want to run into on-coming traffic. Well I had an exhausting one, and I will be the first to admit that it pales in comparison to Helga and McBetty's everylives. Let me explain...

Case and point #1: Learning how to walk again and drive with my left footsies

I have been prone to ankle sprains for over a decade and this last spring was no surprise when a spikey pine cone of death look all 6 feet of me out. I was on the ground before I even knew what had happened. Then during a later spring hike I tweaked it again. Since then apparently I have been walking funny or at least in a way that has irritated my old stress fracture from 2002. Same foot, same bone-like-area. Now I can't put pressure on my front of my foot without pain and there is no way I can push up or stand on my toes.

Is this why I stopped doing yoga? Yeah that could be a subconscious reason. And now I don't get to work out for a month. That makes me happy.

Here's my new accessory for the month of October:



God, isn't that sexy? And those pasty white legs...grrr! I've been workin on some good stories to go along with it. Bar fight? Sword fight injury? Got any other ones I can use???

The exhausting part was I walk uneven now, which means you either don't move or you are pretty sore by the end of the day. Damn muscles you don't typically use. And crawling out of the plastic pinto, all 2 inches from the ground, really blows. Plus I have to wear a tennis shoe instead of my beloved flippy flops.

Case and point #2: Butt plugs for your eyes

This week I had my annual eye doctor appointment, and I really hate people touching my eyes. Due to side effects of my lupie drugs, I have eye complications and they have to absolutely rape me with every test in the book. I only do afternoon appointments so I can go home and start drinking afterwards :) Better yet, why wait till afterwards?

The last two years I had eye plugs put in, which I call my eye butt plugs. This blocks the duct from my eye to nose and thus keep moisture in my eye balls. They completely numb your eyes (like your teeth at the dentist) and then shove butt plugs in your eyes (it's fun). Turns out the plugs are expensive and don't stay in for me, so this week they announced that I should have them soldered shut. HOLY BALLS!!! You want to sew my eye ball ducts? That beyond freaks me out.

Yeah I may need a week to process that business before making a decision, I mean I just got put in a moon boot, OK? How much can one girl take in a week relating to health problems? Well apparently all could be butt plug free though.

Tomorrow's a new week, one which I'll still be adjusting to my new life as a cripple.

we may have a flushing problem

I rarely make mistakes. I'm typically so fucking organized and on the ball that things rarely surprise me.

I remember one major, hilarious screwed up from last fall, (from what Helga said, it was the first time in 10 years that she saw genuine surprise on my face) that occurred when I drove the plastic pinto away from a gas station without first taking the nozzle from my car :) We had to tell the attendant "Ahhh we may have had a mishap on pump 7."

Well the other day I had to admit to my live-in loverpants, N, that "we may have had a mishap in the bathroom". There I was, relaxing, hanging out, and half out of my mind after a busy week. I was in our new bathroom, and decided to change the empty roll of toilet paper while flushing. The result was something like a baton twirler or rolling a coin through your fingers:



And before I truly could comprehend what was going on, the toilet paper rod fall into the toilet and went completely down the pipe. I stood there stunned. I really couldn't move while I tried to figure out where the hell it went.

I flushed again. No problems. I thought, there is not way that rod went all the way down the pipes. I considered not telling anyone. I considered sticking my hand down there. I considered running out to Lowes and buying a new rod.

Things continued as normal for a couple hours but once Nik showed up, all plans were shot to shit when it started backing up. Note to self: not a good idea to try to limit the amount people can pee or poop.

I really enjoyed having to call my landlord the next day, fully embarrassed, to report that I am an idiot who can't change a toilet paper roll and subsequently causes my toilet to back up. I figured I'd have to pay extra as they ripped up my entire bathroom, but luckily it wasn't too far down and the damage was minimal. The next day I got home and the rod was back on the holder, just there mocking me!

What an idiot. At least I wasn't like this kid:

I don't need no stinkin iPod

This may or may not be my live-in loverpant, N:



I know, I know, soooo ghetto yet inventive, right?

But let me ask you this: Does your mp3 player provide you with lumbar support??? It's hard to get down to Lady Gaga with lower back pain.

Someone please enter this man into a contest to win an iPod touch. On second thought, I would gladly give up my iPod shuffle for that pan full of bacon.