for those living in office space

I found you a present. Well if you are stuck in a cubical like in Office Space, or if you have a jail cell of an office with no window. The latter is where I work, the former is the life of my sister stuck between McBetty and the big LL.

This new product will give you the feeling as if you aren't suck indoors with no hope of anything beyond your office walls or stand up divider. Enter the Bright Blind. Yes that is right folks, this is a device that attaches to your business and simulates a blinded window. Yeah you can really open up those blind or do anything else with them, but still:



Just think if you hung this on a divider and not even a real wall. That would be great. Stick it administration!

casual friday just got alot more fun

I like fashion, always have. And I like to surprise people. And I like to tell you your business. Enter the most perfect casual Friday attire I've ever seen, especially for unapologetic perverts:

Hmmm, is that a cock or your legs? I'm not sure. Stylish no matter how you spin it!

I plan to turn the office into an impromptu bachelorette party with these fashionable-yet-comfortable penis-covered slacks. Let's admit it, times may change but a field of throbbing cocks is a classic look that will never go out of style. Sure it could cause a few minor "issues" with HR or with my bosses, but really there shouldn't be rules for casual friday.

Well it's a real good thing that these come for both men and women alike. And they only cost $50 so in reality it is a steal--a penis covered retail deal!!!! Penis pants for everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone. I'm gonna pull an Oprah and yell/point "you get penis pants" and "you get cock leggings".

Again, you're welcome.

sardines and orange donkeys

So for those that don't know I spent a good week in the great land 'o Norway last week. I was doing a training for work, but got a good 4 hours of fun in between. Really, those Norwegians know how to work a girl out. Despite this I did get to see some of the country side, learn about sardines and try to love on some orange donkeys:



Go LL go!!! I'm on a boat and see I'm in Norway (hence the Norwegian flag).



These are the famous Fjordes, which are naturally made fingerlets on the coast. Apparently they were made from the ice ages and are very deep with high rocks. Amazingly pretty.



Wowsa that is tall and high and rocky. Blue sky, that blue sky makes me all warm and fuzzy instead.



So yesss Norway rocked my world. My suitcase was late after 24 hours of flying, but things got better. I was hosted to the mosted this trip. It has come to a point where I'm thinking, man can you just leave me alone for awhile so that I can sit in my room by myself. There is all these group meals, where they embrace their collaborative nature. I like this part, and something American's should do more. But within reason and perhaps not 3+ times a day! What a loner I am, but seriously sometimes I just want to shed that professional LL nature to do my two favorite things: drink and swear.

One of the nights I was invited to one of my host's homes for a traditional Norwegian holiday dinner that was a-mazing. There was champagne, and local beer, and some local potato liquor. I was a good girl but they had to put me in a taxi back to my hotel at the end of the night. I like it when the hosts are too drunk to drive the guest home—this is my type of country, I mean you have to drink just to stay warm. Anyways we had sweeeedish potatoes, and sheep ribs rehydrated covered with a butter/bacon gravy. Yeah this was definitely low cal. This meat was dehydrated and salted, then soaked for days, and then boiled over birch branches, and then baked into some crispy meat business. It was interesting and I ate it all like a pro. I didn't insult the host until I said I didn't want chocolate cake at the end, which was soooo typically me (no cake for me but can I have another sheep rib please?).

On that food note, I have been eating a ridiculous amount of meat. I swear, there is weird meat everywhere, at every meal, and for each snack time. I had to eat Veel/veal/veil/vail last night and put a smile on my face the entire time. It wasn't too bad but geeeez can a girl get a salad? I asked if there are any vegetarians or vegans in Norway and they all said "NO" without any hesitation. At breakfast there was puffed or foamy meat (which I undoubtedly avoided). I should just continue eating meat the last day because I got emails from my food/meat family today warning me that over 50 people have got sick and there has been a recall on Basil in Norway---great, death by basil is much worse than over consumption of meat product.

I also learned wayyyy more about seafood and fish then I really needed. I went to the canning museum and I was excited to learn about the history of canned veggies and fruits, only to find out it was ALLLLL seafood and sardines. Can't wait for Santa gifts this year and EVERYONE is getting Norwegian sardines (say it like Oprah, "you get a sardine", "you get a sardine").

As a final note, I also noticed that the Norwegian cross walks have Dick Tracy in them. Some are gender neutral while others have top hats, shoes, and fitted coats. Yesss Dick Tracy is in Norweigan and warning pedestrians of on-coming traffic.

managing office space

You know, not everyone is as fortunate as you. We've discussed this before...not everyone can afford organic food like you, instead some of us have to eat mayo as a snack. Now, I'd like you to realize that the economy is shit and some of us have to sit on ladder in order to complete our workday:



Now I think I'm pretty creative in my office space, but this is wickedly inventive. For reals, impressive business. Let's break it down:

• Stacked ikea-piece-of-shit desks
• Tiered trash cans--no bitch, put your trash in your own can!
• Sizable seat-age, be that via a ladder or ergonomic chair with no leg room
• Room for folder organization
• Easy access to the white board
  

I hate to point out the obvious, but this set up would never work for women. Knowing me, the 6-foot-tall-giant-of-an-office-mate, I would get stuck on the "ladder" chair which means I would have to stop wearing skirts to the office or worry about flashing my colleague on a daily basis. Also I need more back support in that ladder!!!

Next time you want to complain about your job, just remember, it could be worse. Now get back to you work!!!

one way to stop office thieves

Well here is one way to stop all those food thieves around the office, mislabel your food:



Not sure how effective this will be but you have to respect the creativity. I'm pretty sure the people who steal food would probably be the ones who think these types of diseases could be carried in a yogurt container.

Back in the big Minney I used to be the pop stealer. I mean I was poor and putting myself through school, and sometimes a girl just needs a Coke pick-me-up. I wonder if they knew it was me??? Probably. I'm not that stealth.

I don't have this problem at work, but I'm thinking about putting "Lupus" on all my containers just in case.

news on this hump day

1. I finished a project today that has been 2 years in the making!!! Holy balls, now that is progress. Slow, yet forward. OK maybe two steps backwards and three forward....
2. I didn't swear at my computer nearly as much today in the office. See, progress!
   
3. I just walked in the door, excited for the scheduled dinner party tonight, only to find that my red crocker pot filled with two pork chili verde coated loin/lions was indeed turned on but apparently NOT plugged in! No amazing smells wafting from my front door. Sad.
   
4. Guess this means I'm treating everyone to go out to eat! Woot woot. I vote sushi.
   
5. I called Dr. Meat Man (aka, Poppa B) who informed me that even though the lion/loin was defrosted and sat out for 6 hours, I should still cook it and eat myself. He gave this advise after admitting that Momma B would probably say throw it out--can't wait to see if my horid immune system can take it (this was my defense for years on why I never wash my fruits/veggies)!!!
6. Right now I'm a little McKranky at the city of Bmore. I don't play games, this you should know about me for the future. So if you dick me around, I will turn and walk fast the other way with a selective finger to the sky. You've been warned.
7. I earned an entire gallon of OJ today. Best. Present. Ever (better when companied with vodka, but beggars can't be choosers). Thx M.
   

sharing our work

This is what I do, every single damn day.....look at my boss/PI, knocking that shit right out of the ballpark....it is not just about standardize testings folks:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

tiny tods of tyranny

Now this is a good report. If this happens, I definitely would not have a job anymore. As I've said, just through them into the school system and forget about preschool:

OK size matters, I get it

Soooo I remember one of my therapists from back in the day saying to me, "LL, to most men, size matters." I suppose this statement is true to men more than women--although I shouldn't generalize to my entire gender--OK this statement is true to men more than LL. I try hard not to discriminate with size because I hate being judged myself. My everyday life recently has been filled with reminders that size matters:

• Per LL turkey holiday traditions, I put up my christmas tree last weekend. But this year I decided to take it down a notch since I'll be out of town for over 2 weeks. The last two years (1 and 2) I've got 8 foot tall trees to my ceiling, crammed them in the plastic pinto, and scratched the shit out of my arms. This year I downsized to a 2 foot tall real tree, owing to my new montra that size matters (aka, walk soft and carry a small purse). My tree looks like the one Elizabeth picked out for Sammy Sam/Joshua.
  
• I was looking at photos from the girls beach trip and thinking "Damn my boobs are huge" and not always in a good way (OK all the men are probably thinking this is a size that matters!). Really? Are the girls that big? Yep, I believe the answer is yes.
  
• On Black Friday my goal was to buy a new "big" suitcase since my non-carry-on is 15 years old, a heavy hardcase, and duct taped due to a crack that exposes my fundies. I researched, clipped coupons, elbowed through the crowds and ended up buying two big 360 spinners (one to be returned). Turns out they were so big they didn't fit in the plastic pinto's trunk!!! What the f??? As I said to Momma B, they came up to my waist which I thought was OK until I remembered my hips are 4.5 feet off the ground!! If I fill those things they will be 100 pounds and TSA is going to rape me. OK, note to self, you are big but that doesn't mean you need big things....
• Also I recently had to serve a warning reminder to my family that I am loud and have a large personality. We are preparing to embark on a 2 week trip to a teeny tiny Caribbean island where we have rented a 900 square foot condo. I called dibs months ago on the first 600 feet since I'm the tallest and my personality takes at least 500 square feet!!! I'm going to have to remember to tone it back, less LL, more quiet.
• This montra was also apparent at the B-more wedding....less LL, more southern catholic...I didn't want to scare all those SC-ians by being the loud yankee!
  
• On the personality note, I've realized recently that I am a "good" professional because I'm alot less LL--I'm LL in a box while in the office. But as soon as it's 5 PM I have to break loose. I need dance parties, loud music, lots of laughter, car windows down, and spontaneity. Occasionally at work I break through but I really try hard to keep my larger than life persona under wraps (I learned that the hard way in WA).

Right, walk soft and carry a small purse. Got it.

for helga and you cat lovin fools

So my lovely Helga keeps sending me these stupid cat videos where they play the piano or stuff themselves in a box. All things that make me want to throw up a little in my mouth. BUT I just found a cat video I could get on board with. This one has a British accent (yes please), has swearing (give me more), and involves office-related humor. I can't tell you how often this shit happens in my office, minus the cat. Brilliant and for you, Helga:



Looking forward to rubbing my feet on you in just 7 mere days!!!! See, I'm dry humping you virally right now. HOT!!!

UPDATE: Ash, my office-mate, just IMed to add this amazing comment:

• "that is so you in cat form!! hahah"
• Apparently she can totally see me saying "what do you mean no paper - theres a whole bloody ream!"
  

observations from NC

Well it's been a different / rough week down here in the great state of NC, baby. I'm not sure I can completely articulate whether it has been good, bad or just so-so. But here are some observations:

• My hotel is a little cheap and mcshady, case and point: 1) the crime scene tape (which was really wet paint tape), 2) the hooker with really high heels in the parking lot, 3) the bitchy front desk person, 4) the guy singing opera/country tunes at 11 PM, 5) the neighbors watching porn until 2 AM. I'm an idiot and should be somewhere else more comfortable.
• Some call VA the south and now I've gone 5 hours more south, and I'm not sure I fit in. I'm tall, albino-ish white, and sassy. I don't like all the sun and have to chase children in it all afternoon, which consequently makes me pass out with exhaustion by 9 PM most nights.
  
• Perhaps this is due to all the True Blood I've been watching, but I swear I walked into a Saloon (seriously not a bar, but a saloon) and the bar person asked "you knew around here?" I seriously stick out like a sore thumb.
  
• I need yoga in my life and when I don't get it my body rejects me (it reminds me to breath in and out). I finally made it to a class the other day and it totally changed my outlook on life for at least 4 hours.
• This is no where near a relaxing trip for me, and I have no extra time to sight see or enjoy myself. Other work trips I haven't been in charge of the data collection, so this time I'm seeing all the things we need to do and working on conference calls into the evenings with our team. This weekend will be no different with an 8 hour training on Sunday and calls tomorrow. Sad.
• My coordinator got into a car accident yesterday, totaling her car and adding to the amount of work things I'm going to have to work on this weekend. She is OK, thank god.
• I've been cooking up a storm in my shit suite hotel, including green curry, spaghetti and a salmon naked burrito tonight.
  
• Not answering your phone for a couple days leads to people texting you "ARE YOU ALIVE?" in caps....which isn't easy to text :)

Here's hoping the next week will be less weird or off for me....

heading back to the carolinas

Well I've been gearing up to make my way back down to Charlotte, NC for a couple work heavy weeks tomorrow. I have 8 outfits of dress pants and shirts laid out on my couch right now. I packed a Styrofoam of cooler of wine, can goods, and rice/noodles so I can cook in my studio apartment rental the next 2 weeks. As I told Momma B today, I'm working hard to make some money off that food per diem :) I'm loading up the plastic pinto tomorrow morning and hopefully taking the beautiful back country VA and NC roads down to the city.

I have a 7:30 AM appointment at a preschool on Monday morning for a 7 hour observation session. Unfortunately, my coordinator booked me in the preschool that is 30 miles outside the city and out of the 45 teachers we are working with, this one is the only one NOT within the Charlotte city limits. Typical. Rude.

Next Friday, Saturday and Sunday I'm leading two separately trainings, one locally in Charlotte and one remotely with someone in Rhode Island. Plus I am remotely re-certifying 6 other observers across the country via email/our website. Seriously, I get some major work related gold stars for this shit. I'm playing next week by ear but there is a good chance I won't make it back to the big Cville until at least the 20th or 21th. Mark your calendars bitches, you are going to be without a LL sass until the end of the month (and then it is beach vacay time!).

Look out Charlotte, I'm a'coming! Grid your loins.

a laundry experiment

So I've been conducting a laundry experiment which apparently is now entering into my 5th week. Whilst on the phone with my lovely Helga tonight, I realized that I haven't been in the office for 5 days straight going on approximately 5 weeks (and going to be out for 3 days next week!). And with all the traveling I haven't had the time nor energy to do my laundry. We have now entered "the pile of dirty laundry is as tall as your already full laundry basket" status.

I started speculating how much longer I could go without committing the ultimate clothing cleansing. Remember I'm a clothes whoure. Well I pale in comparison to T and still have wayyyy more than A, but really it all relevant to the size of your closet. For example, now that I have this VA bigger apartment, compared to the studio shithole in WA, I can have more articles of clothing. Case and point, the overflowing 12 drawers and 3 rod walk in closet in my bedroom.

So perhaps I will just continue this laundry experiment until I run out of fundies (aka fun undies/underwear). Want to take bets on how long it will last??? Remember, I'm not opposed to going commando....so you may need to consider that in your calculations. I do believe the last act was committed on August 14th. I wonder if I could make it to October....

PS, anyone remember when I used to do these types of impromptu experiments with cleanliness in college??? My sister sent me shampoo (and booze for that matter) in the mail (when it was legal) because I was too cheap to shower!!! I'm so special.

happenings around the big LL

Well I've been a slacker blogger lately, due mostly to my crazy work schedule. I don't even have time to scroll through my normal blogs throughout the day. See I feel that those five minutes is like the time when others take smoking breaks or go to bathroom....I don't have such unhealthy habits and tend to hold it in until I can taste it :) And lately, I haven't even been able to work ANY of those things into my daily life....and I don't like pulling later nights in the office, makes me crabby when my body doesn't have yoga 3 times a week.

We are massively gearing up for some data collection in NC, and I'm headed down there this week for at least 8 days. I've driving a pimped out SUV full of all kind of supplies, including 2000 books, a computer, 10 boxes of printed materials. It is going to truly be amazing. Then I'll be staying in a phat hotel suite and hopefully finally relaxing a bit.

On a positive side, I get to caught up with the big A during next weekend in NC. We are going to do a little wedding dress pick up and hopefully celebrate her bday a little too. I'm going to have to tone back the LL-ism because I'll be in the presence of some true southern bells (ma and grandma henry). But that will be special....not like the short bus kind!

So just hang on to your butts because I'm trying to just keep myself alive and healthy. I'm still trying to catch up from last weekend, including parties and visitors. This AM I felt like Dexter as I was hauling gigantic coolers in the rain to the plastic pinto, and then wheeling chairs across the street to the office. To top it off, I was also wearing a white wife beater....

Be patient, I'm coming back to my sassy self.

my first symposium

Well I'm up in DC this week (what week these days am I NOT up in DC??? that is the question) for the Head Start research conference. All my ladies caravaned up with me in the plastic pinto, we arrived, settled in to my amazing B&B, and started conferencing it up today. To my horror, I got an email from my discussant on Saturday that he fall off a wall (what is he, humpy dumpy?) and couldn't travel. Great. So that means I'm the chair, a presenter, and now an impromptu discussant. Oh crap.

But I built a quick bridge, put on my "I know what I'm talking about, I'm s-m-r-t, I can do this" face, and continued. This AM I got up, avoided the happy-go-lucky B&B owners who want all the residents to be friends, and suited up to dazzle all those preschool teachers. The presentation went well and apparently everyone from UVA was scheduled to present at 10 this morning.

We had over 100 people in our syposium, ran out of handouts, and had about 4 pages of extra email addresses to follow-up with. I talked for 30 minutes, my colleague had 3o minutes and we had a wonderful discussion where I could actually answer the questions. It was pretty damn exciting. I had people stop me throughout the day to say "you are a really good speaker" or ask more about the presentation or colleagues saying they heard our symposium was good from other people.

Well how about that??? Apparently I'm turning into an early childhood researcher....all that hard work actually working out. Who know?

I'm still coming down from the presentation, but I think it went well.....

a tom p sighting

Sooo here was, sitting at my desk this afternoon, and there was some strange noise happening in the office. It kept going "bleep" short and high. I was looking around and finally I looked out the window to see a state trooper sitting in the empty work parking lot. I immediately thought, yesssss, I'm around to see some drama go down, good thing I'm looking good in my yoga pants and "Irish Drinking Team" t-shirt.

But after closer inspection, I realized that there was a camera crew out there and lots of reflective filming things. Turns out that sexy congressman of mine, Tommy P, was filming a commerical, or a political ad, or something. I tried to take some pictures with my camera phone but the quality was poop. But I watched as he drove forward then backward really quick in the state trooper car, then he would get out take off his shirt (swoon), wipe shit all over him, and then do it again. I don't have a clue what the ad was for, but now I'm going to have to actually watch some TV to find out! But seriously, he was like dirty, like putting dirt on himself. I didn't get it but sure as shit enjoyed watching it for awhile.

I even did an impromptu run to my car to see if I could make an appearance, but I was thoroughly ignored and I wasn't about to approach him. Probably not a good idea if I started humping him with the state trooper present who probably had a gun and riot stick readily available for all of Tommy's many 5th district fans.....you know who you are!

As T said on the phone, "you have some ability to run into famous people around town." I still gotta find me some John Grisham....but probably need to figure out what he looks like first!