HP for the girls

Heyyyy I just found you a new accessory. It is for the girls. NOOooo not the girls like all of my gender, more like the set of twins your momma gave you. Oh good now we have that clarified.

Well this accessory is for all the girls that are HP fans. Although the movies have finished and there will be no more books, we can all still represent our favorite series via these fashion accessories:

 

Ahhh actually I don't think those are big enough for my girls. Yeah we are going to need like Mr. Magoos sized glasses for the giant that is LL. Just sayin.

worse pants ever

I'm not the most fashionable person ever. I'll admit it freely. However I do occasionally bedazzle the girls, put a little shadow on, or wear a hot pair of sex boots. With this disclaimer, I sure do have some pretty strong feelings about what is fashion and what is it complete shit.

Recently I ran across a pair of the worse pants ever. These are worse than the sperm pants, or the nude colored tights/pants. These are jeans and they are $100 of your hard earned money:



Wow, what the bloody hell is that?!?! The 20 inch zipper is amazing. I am alllll about inch measurement in it's different forms, but this is just ridiculous. We got a little jean zipper MC Hammer action happening here (more on hammer pants here).

And these are truly woman's jeans. However, I think these might be more appropriate for male cross dresser. I mean they do go nicely with a pair of heels AND there is plenty of room to hide your pleen. These aren't your Texasss cowboy tight, junk hugging jeans. We got plenty of room here. I would suggest, however, that you glam them up with a belt of some kind!

I think these would go nicely with some nice hand knitted boxers.

I need this

I just found a perfect gift you can get me for xmas:

This flask holds a whopping 64 ounces (that's a half gallon) of booze.

Maybe I should just carry the bottle because we are completely defeating the purpose of a flask if it is that big and won't fit between the girls. Again, the flask is for sneakiness and not blatant drunkenness....that is where you just walk around with the bottle and say screw the brown paper bag condom!

Still a good gift no matter how you spin it, you alcoholics.

WWDDD?

I've been a fan of Mad Men for years now. I used to think "boy, this is slow" but then I slowed down my life and now I think "boy, this is kind of funny yet equally entertaining" (this realization occurred during the scene where someone's foot was mangled by a John Deere lawn mower being drunkenly driven through their business offices on the 52nd floor of a building). For those who don't know, the show takes place in the 50s/60s in Manhattan when there was some crazy telemarketing going on.

**Note, I'm not entirely sure when there hasn't been a time that advertising played a significant role in pop culture, be that consciously or subliminally.

Being a popular, Emmy winning show for years now, I was surprised to find that a retail company finally caught the fever. Bananananana Republic recently launched the Mad Men clothing line, and I absolutely love the female designs. The styles are classic, and allow me to ask "are you a betty?" Too bad they don't make them for tall, big boned girls--you gotta eat an apple a day and have tiny girls to fit that business.

A large part of the show is the amount that all the "mad men" (mad=madison ave or ad, short for advertising, men) drink hard liquor. I swear my liver, which is frequently exercised, would probably shut down. I wouldn't be able to keep up with the professional and creative demands while also drinking a bottle of whiskey a day.

However, I could get on board with the WWDDD decision making process. What is WWDDD? Well it's a play on the once religious phrase, now adapted as What Would Don Draper Do? Do you know? He'd pour a drink, tell you your business, gangster lay back on the couch, take a sip, smoke a cig, have another drink, then rinse and repeat. Here's the first half of the process, for your consideration:

For more of the process....

This is the world Helga lives on a daily basis. You gotta give the girl some props. How do you keep up with that? She has clients who make vodka that drink and drink and then go to after parties to drink. Though exciting, shit's gotta get old.

say goodbye to saggy pants

Well the greatness that is the state of FL (clearly NOT a commonwealth like the big V-A) has decided to outlaw "saggy pants." You know what I'm talking about...droopy drawers, penguin pants, or crap hammocks. Forget about freedom of speech, whether that be words or clothing, they are instituting a no-fundies-showing law.

How will this be enforced? Apparently, administers plan to use a plastic tie, slip it through a couple of belt loops on the pants or shorts and cinch it at the waist. Then the tie has to be cut off. What if I don't have belt loops??? Sweat pants, or in the case of LL yoga pants, also can sag to show my fundies.

We definitely need a state school dress code. While we are at it, let's also ban low cut shirts where the girls hang out. Also, no strappy sandles or 4-inch stripper heels for women either. But in the words of that amazing AI contestant from last year: "Pants on the ground. Pants on the ground, looking like a fool with your pants on the ground."

I think further discussion is warranted for the that fact this is coming out of Tallahassee, FL. Is that really how you spell Tallahhassee??? Isn't this where I insert a prim joke about Cananaanada. You know where someone drew a "C' out of a hat, said "eh?" and then drew an "N," said "eh?", etc. And what about Missisississippiipii??? OK let's sing the song together....We definitely, definitely need a Tallahassee joke or song for all those Floridians!

Lookin like a fool with yo pants on the ground! Not in FL, bitches.

I really don't mind a little Romeo

Wellll I just heard about an official new club for old(er) men. You know, those crazy old batty ladies have their red hat(ers) club where it is hen party after hen party. Momma B is the official Queen B of her MIzzz club and I have a pink hat for being under 50 (and proud of it). But the men, they don't really have any club or cool organization to call their own. Enter, ROMEO. Can you guess what is stands for????

• Retired Old Men Eating Out (ROMEO)

(insert obvious LL joke, mohahahah)

ROMEOs are popping up all over the country. These retired guys just go to a diner and drink coffee and hang out and probably bitch about their wives. Sounds GREAT!!! They kind of already have this for Poppa B but it has a different name, that frankly in my opinion isn't nearly as fun as ROMEO. Mr. B, you definitely need to start one of these and come up with a name like "Hard Hat Botherhood" (see above website).

I don't know why I love old people so much. It probably has something to due with my kickass dirty grandparents and good old friends in WA who swore at me at church. I can't wait until I'm retired. It's going to be a blast (even though the girls will be in my shoes or missing).

taking it back to the cold(er) days

Sooo last weekend I felt as if we had a throw back to the good old MN days when some friends and I went snow tubing. These are the types of winter activities we used to do in the frozen tundra, ya know, back when I was mitten in the Winter Carnival parade. This year I hear the St. Paul ice and snow sculptures were a-mazing but still dangerous to put your tongue on.

Apparently right here in the big central V-A there is a "mountain" where snow is made for skiing and some tubing hills/lanes. I was pretty impressed with the degree of safety employed here, considering I'm used to be strapped to tray and pushed sideways down an icy hill praying I don't break my butt or get whiplash. Not in Wintergreen, no sir, it is all about safety first. Although it was starting to get icy fast where I did crash once into the end barrier throwing my legs over my head!

Luckily there are two microbreweries on the way to and from this mountain, and if you know me at all, you know I don't like driving by anything booze related ending in -ery (i.e., wineries, breweries, etc.). We stopped by Backbone Brewery where I had the best BBQ sandwich ever, some good beer, and listened to some live music. I also had a bonding moment with my friend M when I stripped down naked to change my clothes amidst the moonlight in the parking lot. It was soooo romantical.

Would definitely go back to both places, and soon.

Haven't been able to download the pictures yet, but here are a couple good ones:



I was a fan of the non-spinning two-sies, especially since the first round when I couldn't get in my hole fast enough and almost flew out (don't worry I reformed my technique after that).



This is where I normally spend most of my time on the ski slopes....drinking in the clubhouse by a toasty fire! There is less of a fear of falling down an icy hill to my death and then having to ride in the body bag behind the snow mobile. True story.



Again, do I sense a beer theme here? And PS, is it just me or do my boobs look huge??? Seriously the girls look a little out of control or maybe my friends are just short, OR maybe it's a combination of both.

vicky's makes permanent headlights

Well I just read that American woman's favorite over-priced lingerie store has started making bras with built-in permanent highlights. For those that don't know, when I say headlights or high beams, I'm talking fully erect boobies....like you could cut glass with those things....like they're looking-right-at-me type of nips.

Apparently, Vicky's (aka Victoria's Secret) in all their glorified size zero telemarketing, has created a bra that not only lifts and separates but also provides a little (would you like a suckle of my ziple?) dimension. You don't need to turn into JLo and hire a nipple tweeker, just shop at Vicky's and buy it built in. Don't worry having to buy the silicon nipple inserts, just pick up a bra with the highbeams already turned on:

This would do abs-fuckin-nothing for me. I got huge girls already and frankly I don't need any type of bra that further enhances the gifts that were passed down me. Most of the time I'm trying to keep them under wraps, and not letting them out free in the open saying hello to everyone!!!!

OK size matters, I get it

Soooo I remember one of my therapists from back in the day saying to me, "LL, to most men, size matters." I suppose this statement is true to men more than women--although I shouldn't generalize to my entire gender--OK this statement is true to men more than LL. I try hard not to discriminate with size because I hate being judged myself. My everyday life recently has been filled with reminders that size matters:

• Per LL turkey holiday traditions, I put up my christmas tree last weekend. But this year I decided to take it down a notch since I'll be out of town for over 2 weeks. The last two years (1 and 2) I've got 8 foot tall trees to my ceiling, crammed them in the plastic pinto, and scratched the shit out of my arms. This year I downsized to a 2 foot tall real tree, owing to my new montra that size matters (aka, walk soft and carry a small purse). My tree looks like the one Elizabeth picked out for Sammy Sam/Joshua.
  
• I was looking at photos from the girls beach trip and thinking "Damn my boobs are huge" and not always in a good way (OK all the men are probably thinking this is a size that matters!). Really? Are the girls that big? Yep, I believe the answer is yes.
  
• On Black Friday my goal was to buy a new "big" suitcase since my non-carry-on is 15 years old, a heavy hardcase, and duct taped due to a crack that exposes my fundies. I researched, clipped coupons, elbowed through the crowds and ended up buying two big 360 spinners (one to be returned). Turns out they were so big they didn't fit in the plastic pinto's trunk!!! What the f??? As I said to Momma B, they came up to my waist which I thought was OK until I remembered my hips are 4.5 feet off the ground!! If I fill those things they will be 100 pounds and TSA is going to rape me. OK, note to self, you are big but that doesn't mean you need big things....
• Also I recently had to serve a warning reminder to my family that I am loud and have a large personality. We are preparing to embark on a 2 week trip to a teeny tiny Caribbean island where we have rented a 900 square foot condo. I called dibs months ago on the first 600 feet since I'm the tallest and my personality takes at least 500 square feet!!! I'm going to have to remember to tone it back, less LL, more quiet.
• This montra was also apparent at the B-more wedding....less LL, more southern catholic...I didn't want to scare all those SC-ians by being the loud yankee!
  
• On the personality note, I've realized recently that I am a "good" professional because I'm alot less LL--I'm LL in a box while in the office. But as soon as it's 5 PM I have to break loose. I need dance parties, loud music, lots of laughter, car windows down, and spontaneity. Occasionally at work I break through but I really try hard to keep my larger than life persona under wraps (I learned that the hard way in WA).

Right, walk soft and carry a small purse. Got it.

signs of the season

• I swear to you, I saw Santa Claus yesterday at the gym. He had on gray sweat pants being held up with red suspenders over his big bowl of jelly. No joke, the jolly fat man was totally working on his fitness. Who else would where red suspenders with gray sweat pants at the gym???
• The plastic pinto got an upgrade yesterday preparing for the winter snow season. Two brand new tires, and after checking out my bill afterwards, the technician I was sweet talking did not charge me for labor :) Yeppers, that saved me a good $100. Good thing the girls were out in full force...that had to help! And that mayyyy have covered the $100 I lost on Friday night from those DMB tickets :)
  
• I turned into martha facher on Saturday and cooked a pumpkin. Yep, you read that right, I cut up, boiled, and blended the shit out of jack (o'latern) from halloween. I made pumpkin bars (with homemade cream cheese frosting) and some spiced pumpkin soup. It all was delicious. Ohhh maybe I can try to make pumpkin ice cream this week.....
  
• While out on Saturday night (which ended up with some dancing into the wee hours--damnit! I was suppose to be relaxing this weekend and not being convinced to shake what Momma B gave me), I had a pumpkin spiced martini. It was a creamy, pumpkiny glass of goodness. I also tried the pomegranate and beet martini which also knocked my socks (or come-hither-boots) off.
• After yoga/the market/alittle shopping on Saturday morning, I sat up on the rooftop patio for the last time this season (texting Nik just to make her jealous). It was completely empty and I was fully clothed, but there was fresh air and there was a completely blue sky. Breath in deep and take a look out over the blue ridge mountains.
  

emergency for the girls

I just read about a new product called EBbra. This is a strapless bra that turns immediately into a face mask for when your in an emergency and don't want to breath in toxins. Isn't this already every bra??? Bras are multi-functional, for support, for ear muffs, or apparently for face masks as well.

I'm not sure this is going to work for women with some girls. So let's picture this, some emergency and I'm standing there trying to get my bra off inside my shirt. It would be like this scene from Friends, or I'd just get pissed and take my shirt off. And then we have to run away (you know from the 80 foot monster) I'd be able to breath but won't have any support. And that scene would look like something from the Playboy mansion. Classic problem.....

My cup would cover alot more of my face too :)

the lacy dickey

Sooo I'm a big fan of the Dickey, you know the quarter length turtleneck that you wear under sweaters. You know what I'm talking about....like Cousin Eddie (aka Randy Quid, weirdo) from the Christmas Vacation. I particularly enjoy when there is a light sweater and a dark dickey so that you can see the square piece through the overlay!

Well apparently there is a female version of the dickey that is all lacy and pretty and attaches to the girls. Meet the "cami-secret".....you know a way to make your nightlife clothes more appropriate for your professional life. I bet this device wouldn't work for me or better yet for JB...she would find some way to have it fall off or rip or something that is classic JB:

this is just as bad as the snuggie

Well I just ran across the newest internet product sensation....the Snazzy Napper! This piece of crap rivals that damn backwards polar fleece jacket, the Snuggie. I don't really think this "Napper" is going to work. I mean the breath hole probably won't fit me right because I have a big forehead, or the blanket part won't fit over the girls. Also, isn't this a little middle-eastern-ish for all our closed-minded Americans? Plus I'm just really pissed that I didn't think of this and start marketing it years ago with "Leslie's Crafts & Stuff." Damnit. I'm always 40 cents behind:

I'm a baby "supporter"

So I'm at the just over quarter part of my life where everyone I knew is popping out babies and reproducing the world. Good, someone should be working on that, because a good number of the rest of us aren't (i.e., my sisters, Helga, Jilly Bean, etc.). I try hard to be a good "baby supporter" especially when they come in sets of twos or threes.

Back in the day, I was the official supporter of those amazing twins in WA. I miss the Sharpe family and running around the house with Kyle and Andrews making bubbling noises with our tongues (yep Scott was super happy I taught them THAT). And every once and awhile I get a picture text of the new set of twins, saying that they miss "the giant," or I get an email inviting me to a drunken weekend golf outing where the grand prize is winning one of the 4 children under the age of 5.

Luckily, I've been able to replace those twins with a set of triplets here in Cville. Yesterday, some friends and I offered up our stud babysitting abilities so that my friends could have a hot afternoon date away. They claimed they went to a movie, but I still think there is a possibility that they just went around the corner to sleep in the minivan. All went well, filled with much laughter, outfit changing to our enjoyment, and developmental training. We were all about speeding the trips through their learning schedules....we got music in, walks outside, tommy time, while keeping everyone feed and diapered. We only had one explosive number two, which ain't bad.

Let's ignore the fact that I look like poo but here is one of those McCuties strapped to the girls. Admittedly, it took two Ph.D's and a M.A. to reorganize and figure out how to swap the trips to my girls, but it all worked out:

I want this

A friend sent me some information about a laptop case which looks like a book. I want it, except it's a million dollars. Check it out:

Woot, woot!!! I like it, a laptop disguise. I could put my laptop in that bad boy and look exponentially s-m-r-ter. It is like I'm carrying around a big old book of important stuff. You could just stack it with your other books and no one would think about stealing it. Ha! I wonder if they come in a Bible version???

And perhaps this would be helpful when I get pulled over by the po po again. Not sure I mentioned this, but over memorial day weekend I got pulled over (for speeding, of course, bane of my freakin existence getting speeding tickets on holiday weekends throughout my short life) going to campus to return my library books. The cop didn't believe me that I was going to library so I started handing me the 10+ books on school violence and communities that care programs through the window. His eyes widened and I could see him thinking "OK, OK crazy, just a warning then." I didn't even have to flash the girls!

BUT, I digress...if I had this laptop cover it could just be another book that gets me out of trouble (books and the girls).....who know it was going to come down to those two things.

I already have this bra

Well the lady has done it again....yep, as I said to some friends today, she is current day's Madonna circa 1980's, pushing boundaries and doing things that are for a shear shock value (case and point, when she showed up at a Yankee game in a lacy bra and pair'o panties and gave everyone the bird).

Lady Gaga graces the cover of Rolling Stones mag, out this friday, wearing a new uniform for the army. Well shit, no wonder we are having trouble abroad if this is what we are using for camouflage!!! I mean, it is pretty deadly on top, but just not the right amount of coverage on the bottom :)

I totally was going to wear this bra to work tomorrow:



And just as a sidebar, this might be what the army is afraid of if they let the gays in....boundary and guns....

twin titty federal

Well this post pays homage to my fabulous Grandma and Grandpa, who I miss dearly. I miss hanging out with my crazy Grandma, talking about how she lost her fake boob, or waiting for her to boldly state "It's a bitch getting old!" I miss dirty conversations with my Grandpa that would go something like this:

• GS, "your boobs are the perfect size"
  
• Me, "why is that grandpa?" (insert a huge humoring you smile)
• GS, "because anything over a handful is just wasted"

Well today I read that someone has created what my grandparents would call "twin titty federal." I remember when Grandma and I would be shopping and she would ask for me to wait, turn her back, fish around in her shirt, and come out with a couple $20's. She had made a little wallet that fit nicely between the girls. This wallet is much more mugger-proof because the thief would have to molest me in order to get my money....or this might happen instead :)

Turns out someone is marketing and selling this now. It is officially called "cleavage caddy" but I like my Grandma's terminology better. Plus these aren't built for women with bigger boobs....I could hide a big wad of money between my girls, a cell phone, my car keys, and maybe a granola bar or two (1/2 for me and the rest for my jilly bean). But apparently you can get them in different designs and colors too: