TY again

OK I have about 40 billion posts loaded up and I'm trying to squeeze out any ounce of creative juices I might have left. First and foremost I owe a major TY to all my friends and family who made me celebrate my birthday a couple weeks ago, despite my constant bitching, nagging, and complaining. It is less about birthdays and more about how I hate being for the focus on attention. I do things for others, and rarely, rarely allow others to do things for me. BUT despite this, I had a great time:


Jilly Bean showed up (and that experience deserves it's own posting or two), and T threw an amazing party. There were banners, and party hats, and balloon animals, and dirrty balloon shapes, and lychee nut vodka, and amazing bbqed brisket. I do have officially say that Dan got the award for best balloon animal...who knew that guy was secretly a circus clown in a previous life. He could make dogs and dirty things alike, and I liked it:

I believe my sisters would say this is my "WTF, and about to kill (eat) you" look, but in reality I was just hoping no one would take my picture. Notice though I was being a trooper wearing the big birthday girl party hat, and had a gigantic penis sticking out of it. Yep, yes please.

All my friends showed up (missed you D), the dogs behaved, and the weather made for some more amazing stories. About 40 minutes before party time there was a gigantic Tsunami in Cville. I'm not joking, Jilly Bean and I were going about 25 on the highway with the plastic pinto's wipers going full speed. There were backhoes (hahaha) and big construction equipment that had to come out to clear off the debris from the road. I decided, being a good neighbor, to run out into the river that was T-D's road to get there trash cans which were floating down to the waste water treatment plant. While in the river of a road with muddy water up to my knees and an umbrella in my hand, with Jilly Bean yelling over the thunder from the door, a cop car drove by and literally splashed an entire wave of water over my head. It looked a little like this but with lots lots more water:



After this, I was standing soaked to the bone on T's porch half naked, wringing out my clothes. Stupid cop couldn't have slowed down or, you know, moved over in the road. Ahhh good times. Luckily, I didn't get struck by lighting, otherwise THAT would have be a even better story. But the night ended with all my drunk friends watching these amazing videos. Weiners for everyone.

Thanks again everyone!!! xoxoxox

quote of the day

I was reading my new book tonight and ran across a quotation which perfectly fit my everyday current life:

• "I ordered a grapefruit and vodka, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifer and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail."

LOVE IT!!! I order a couple of those last Tuesday night during that bday dinner. Yum, grapefruit with alcohol.

quote of the day

From my a-mazing jilly bean:

• "I think I have rib juice and sweat running down my neck"

Due to the fact that the 3 of us had 2 racks of ribs and were sweating our balls off because cheap B wouldn't let us turn on the air conditioning.

music of the moment

The new NW:

Vw by c87157

TY for the love

A big, huge, gigantic, a-mazing, fabulous, shout-it-from-the-rooftops THANK YOU to all my friends and family that showed me some love yesterday. I got a plethora of text, emails, phone calls, and voice messages from the people I love across the country. I heard from people I haven't heard from in a year, and I was truly touched that you would remember me (because I don't remember shit these days). I've also got a corner of my apartment with empty boxes from the generous and thoughtful tokens of your amaziness. I'm truly blessed for the flowers, perfume, gift certificates, purses, cards, humping dogs, booze and laughter....

Here to my Cville friends who also made me to get out last night to celebrate. Good food, good friends and good drinks.....not much more a girl can ask for:


Looking forward to a Jilly Bean arrival tomorrow night (I hope she makes it across town on the Metro in DC to make her train departure whilst carrying a 75 pound suitcase). It will be another epic weekend of annoying the hell out of Brian, water balloon fights on the national mall, riding in a big truck with my feet hanging out the window, motorcycle rallies (hoping to get a ride with someone with a handbar mustashe for a little stashe play), fireworks, and watching Jilly Bean run out of clothes within the first 12 hours.....

Maybe we'll have another DMB sighting....that will be another reach around added to my list!

twin titty federal

Well this post pays homage to my fabulous Grandma and Grandpa, who I miss dearly. I miss hanging out with my crazy Grandma, talking about how she lost her fake boob, or waiting for her to boldly state "It's a bitch getting old!" I miss dirty conversations with my Grandpa that would go something like this:

• GS, "your boobs are the perfect size"
  
• Me, "why is that grandpa?" (insert a huge humoring you smile)
• GS, "because anything over a handful is just wasted"

Well today I read that someone has created what my grandparents would call "twin titty federal." I remember when Grandma and I would be shopping and she would ask for me to wait, turn her back, fish around in her shirt, and come out with a couple $20's. She had made a little wallet that fit nicely between the girls. This wallet is much more mugger-proof because the thief would have to molest me in order to get my money....or this might happen instead :)

Turns out someone is marketing and selling this now. It is officially called "cleavage caddy" but I like my Grandma's terminology better. Plus these aren't built for women with bigger boobs....I could hide a big wad of money between my girls, a cell phone, my car keys, and maybe a granola bar or two (1/2 for me and the rest for my jilly bean). But apparently you can get them in different designs and colors too:

BO is a magnet to me and my friends

So two months ago I had my first big BO sighting, which was during a weekend of amazing fun with my gay husbands. I told everyone that I got in a good reach around, and loved the drive by. Turns out that BO is a magnet for me and my friends, as Helga had a sighting in San Fran yesterday.

We were talking last night while she was riding on the cable cars and buses and subway and anything that moved home because the entire city was shut down, as if there was a big drunken marathon happening. I was getting a blow by blow detail of what type of po po were around, who had guns, and what was being yelled. I keeping notes in case someone ended up getting arrested when Helga was chancing after dudes with shades and clear ear pieces (this is why we are best friends, I typically chase people down too when I really want to talk to them, case and point, naked man on grounds). I want to be sitting in the jail cell next to you! I'm happy that you got a good sighting in, a wave, and a smile....perhaps an imaginary reach around too?

tennis court does not equal bedroom

OK Venus, I get that you are big and bold and badass, but I don't think you should be wearing your bedroom nighties on the tennis court. Black lace, red ribbing, and some major ass and girl shots. You are an athlete and not a freakin model! I mean I know you model, but let's try to keep the different facets of our lives in nice little compartments. I know you are still working that clothes designing thing, but this isn't helping your potential line:

Fenerbahce-Trabzonspor RIOT: Soccer Fans Rampage In Istanbul (PHOTOS)

Kentucky Derby Winners: 11 WEIRDEST Names To Win The Derby (PHOTOS)

Mark Sanchez & Jamie-Lynn Sigler Dating: Us (PHOTOS)

Videos You May Want To Watch Next

Serena Williams' 'Jimmy Kimmel' Interview: Fines, Prince William And More (VIDEO)

Serena Williams Wardrobe Malfunction: Swimsuit Slip Caught On Camera

Serena Williams & Common Over? Couple Reportedly Splits

Simona Halep Breast Reduction Surgery PHOTOS: Tennis Star Back In Action

Charles Barkley Calls Co-Hosts 'A--holes' On Live TV (VIDEO)

World Cup Commercials: Best Tournament Ads (VIDEO)

Kentucky Derby 2010 Horses: Which Horse Will Win? (PHOTOS, ODDS)

Michael Phelps' UltraSwim: Shirtless In Charlotte (PICTURES)

Seriously? Seriously revealing...Moulin Rouge-ish, I'm surprised you aren't wearing heels!

musical collaborations and covers

Sooo I love these cross collaborations with my favorite country artists with my favorite pop/R&B artists. It all started with this song when I was truly obsessed with Nelly and that facial bandaid, you would too if you listened to this album which mixed it up with John Mayer and Justin:



Then came this performance by Sugarland and Beyonce:



Then Taylor Swift started working with Def Leppard and T-Pain, and my brain might have exploded:



And now I heard about Reba (classic) covering another Beyonce song, which has a lovely country spin:

we've all been lost for 6 years

Well the final episode of LOST was on this weekend and people were throwing LOST parties all over the world (hate to say this but they didn't pull in nearly as many viewers as ABC initially hoped for). I mean I love JJ just as much as the next person and would jump his jewish bones given the chance. It's been six seasons of amazing weirdness, which apparently these cats can sum up in about 90 seconds:



What is with people and cats??? Why does it always have to be cats???? I guess it is occasionally dogs or babies too. Why doesn't someone make a talking schnauzer?? Now that is something I could get on board with....so cute!

Thx Helga for the link!

vending I can get behind on

Sooo I caught this article where apparently Caviar is now going to be vended from Russian machines!!! I'm not sure about the packaging quality or shelf live of fish eggs, but I'm guessing it isn't very good. BUT I would totally buy some of this if I ran across a machine, just so I can say I did...but this got me thinking about what other venting options have I partaked in?????

• I once paid money to enter a public toilet in Ireland...it was like an Ameri-Can, Irish version, where you had to pay to get inside. I bet alot of bully victims, with their pasty white skin and red hair, keep coins on them just so they can run lock themselves in!
• I was once in the Boise, Idaho (no u-da-hoe...never gets old) airport and saw a vending machine that would peel, slice, and fry you a fresh potato right in the machine. It had the quality of freshness, deliciousness, goodness of those Frisky Fries at the Ingham County Fair.
• While traveling through the underground tunnel of the United States Senate, I saw a vending machine that dispensed hot dogs. I bet all those Senators are running from meeting to meeting and to avoid the media they travel in the underground, but get a little hungry and need a snacky snack. Now this is something I could get on board with, except I feel like I'm taking business from our corner hot dog vendors who are saving millions of people in Times Square.
• Apparently there are also ramen noodle vending machines, which will be my new mission to find one of these....

What other vending machines am I missing???? What else have you seen....besides condoms, newspaper, soda, and candy because those are seriously boring.

An HP update

CRAP!!! We are getting closer to the end of the HP movies series because just the other day they officially filmed the final epilogue for the last HP book, the one where they are old!!! This just makes me sooo sad. Remember, all the talk they were going to use the CGI technology from Ben Buttons to do this scene. I'm not sure that really happened based off these pictures:



Harry and Ginny as parents. We even got some good glimpses of their children too. They were filming in Kings Cross underground station, and some luckily fans were able to be around the station and steal some good pictures. If I was in London (some day soon, we can only hope), I would have skipped work and tried to sneak my sexy ass in. Here's hoping that final fight scene is just as amazing, and I heard they just filmed Snape's death scene awhile ago and he was great...of course it was great, it's Alan Rickman, who can talk that British accent to me anyday!

another reason not to try to steal my purse

Check out this amazing little lady kicking some major ass when someone tried to steal her purse....this would totally be me too if you tried to steal from me or any of my friends/family. I'd take my "captain and tenille" and my ass kicking boots and do something just like this:

Why do you think I take those boxing classes and do all that yoga??? Strength and flexibility, bitches.

music of the moment

I'm turning in a huge V.V. Brown fan, and seriously I might just have to move my sexy ass to London because I LOVE me some British artist music....VV was a songwriter (wrote for the PCD), turned musician, turned funky badass chick with her debut album that just dropped in the US. She is a-mazing, check out this video too of her signing in the back of a London cab, and maybe the cover I wish all my favorite artists would do. Plus I just can't get this song out of my head:



And her name is V.V., like LL, and I LOVE it!!!

birds hate me

So I figured out this week that birds have been eating my strawberries and vented my speen a little here. Well it is like those birds are now coming at me from all directions now.....

I have been cat sitting for a friend this weekend and she lives in sort of a woody area, and it has been raining for about two days here too. I had to park my plastic pinto under a big tree, and this morning I had like 3 huge splats of bird shit on my windshield. These were not small poos by any means, seriously these birds must be eating something strange in the woods. And so I get myself moving, am on the bypass speeding my way home with the windows wide open, and realized I needed to get all the water off the window.....see where this is going yet????.....

Yeah the bird poo was still wet and fresh, and therefore the 3 gigantic turds smeared across the entire windshield!!! I can't even make this shit up. So not thinking I turned on my window cleaner because, you know, I couldn't see! Well this worked well until the blue liquid now infused with white bird poo started flying in my open window. DAMNIT!!!

At this moment, I remembered when I used to throw my gum out the front window and it was just get sucked back into the back window, and I how I love having my windows open. I wonder what would happen to me if I got a motorcycle so I don't have this window problem!

Anyways I made it home safely without crashing or killing anymore birds....stupid birds, you're time will come....

I'll pepper spray the shit out of you too

For years now I've been threatening the critters around my house to "BACK AWAY" with a can of pepper spray (no no PETA people, I don't really pepper spray things but I do try to run things over with the plastic pinto. It all started with those damn cats taking a shit on my patio and patio furniture. It turned really bad when I sat in the cat shit and then tried to blame Helga for farting....

Next came George my neighborly ground hog/beaver/gopher who is really too scared to stay around long enough for me to pepper spray him. Actually I like George. BUT I've also had experience with foxes and other critters that eat my veggies. I feel like I might be turning in to a kranky old lady angerly waving a rolling pin above my head...

Recently I invested in some strawberries and have been growing them. I noticed last week that something was eating them, so I jumped on that business and starting bug spraying them. But I realized it wasn't really helping. THEN this week I was writing from home and sure enough two birds come flying in and start pecking my berries (heheheh, I said pecking my berries). I ran to the window and couldn't believe my eyes!!! These weren't bugs, they were birds!!! And trust I ain't afraid to pepper spray the shit out of some birds too!!!!!

Well when I mentioned this to two people and they both said without hesitation "of it must be birds." What?!?! Is this some martha facher green thumb rule that I didn't know about previously??? Apparently. Well I'm on you damn birds and your bird flu now....

Potential gifts....more pepper spray.

continuing the summer concert series

So this is going to be an epic year of concerts for the big LL. The summer concert series started with a little southern rock, then some paramore (heart), followed by a little funky jazz, and now McBetty and I are hitting up a little Ryan Bingham next week. This artist used to be a bull rider, HOT, and wrote many of the songs that were featured in Crazy Heart, the award winning movie from last year. He has this low, sexy voice that just makes your insides melt:



Later this summer we got our annual DMB concert, which I hear will be the last for a couple summers. Apparently, for the first time in 20 summer, DMB is not touring next summer for 2011. Sad.

Then of course we got Little Big Town (yeah!) and Sugarland tickets for the early fall. Now that will be a good concert as well! Gotta love some good music.

there is hope for me

Soooo this week I found out that tween sensation Justin Bieber, and his lesbian haircut, was nominated for a BET award!!! Well this just makes me so happy because that means there is hope for white people all over the world, (cough cough) like me, to break into the black music scene. Who know that pasty white 16 year olds could be nominated for Black Entertainment Television awards??? Way to break down the color barrier you sexy Cananananandian! (insert "damn kanukes").

So this helps with some of my future aspirations. I feel like a fit better in the African American world, you know playing into the stereotypes of being tall, loud, out-spoken, and totally into sports. I might have to add this to my list of things to do before I die, or to the list of decade jobs. This might fit perfectly with the how old lady rapper DJ dream....

I need to start working on my DJ name which would be BET Award worthy....suggestions?

the new/creepy mascots

So the London 2012 Olympic mascots have been revealed and they are subjects of my nightmares (well you know if I could remember them and if they weren't vodka fueled). These are sort of one eyed, tellie-tubby-ish, crab clawed mascots which will probably frighten your children. Apparently the Olympic committee says "Two parts-Pokemon to one-part lava lamp with yellow 'Taxi’ lights on their foreheads." Well that just screams London to me....lava lamps and taxis. Spot on (insert sass). Can't they have a face? Some sort of smile might help this situation:

Their names are Wenlock and Mandeville....what the hell kind of names are those??? I know, I know, the names have a significant to the birthplace of the Olympics so it is a historical throwback. But I still contend that if you are going to make scary mascots then you should have named them something warm and fuzzy, like Nancy or Ole the Olympian.

I would like to officially vote for the next Olympic mascot to be the clown from the movie It. It is roughly the same thing....

another peta ad I don't absolutely hate

You know, if the Octomom was smart she should have patented her new name because it is way better than Nadya. Maybe she did for all I know. But anyways, to make a little money for those 16 mouths, she is lending her star power to PETA. This ad, like a couple other ones, are very Bob Barkerish, but something that I don't totally hate:

the one about CA girls

Soooo I'm slightly enjoying this new California Girls song by Katy Perry and the big Snoop Doggggg. Shameful, I know. But seriously, KP is one of the most beautiful people in the world, the girl's got like zero pores on her face. But I digress.....this song got me thinking about all the other songs about California, California Girls, California Lovin (a real classic folks), or California English (love me some VW). Apparently, Callie is the place to be and the women there (cough cough, G) are pretty a-mazing...

The original boys version:



The Katy Perry, Snoop version:



The country, Ms. Wilson version:

hump hump hump

Well I've received a couple a-mazing boxes in the mail this week. Again, this reminds me that I have some wicked sense of humor and fabulous friends/family who TOTALLY get me...

First was a well wrapped (in spiderman paper no less) pirate shaped kitchen brush, which I won't use in my bathtub or toilet, so don't worry :) It also contained some other badass things like a garden GNOME!!! It is very very travelocity-ish and I'm putting in my garden pots since my real garden got cockblocked. I love it. TY and see you soon big ass!!!

Then yesterday I received a brilliant book entitled, "Are you there vodka? It's me, LL" which will probably be close to that book about men's bedroom ventures (B has one in his bathroom, and a copy made McBetty laugh for an entire weekend). I can't wait to read it this weekend as I'm walking around with my own bottle of vodka.

Then last night I got this amazing thing in the mail:



OMG!!!! This is great!!!! For those that don't know, Helga and I used to own a humping dog. It would attach to your leg and when you squeezed it, it would hump hump hump you. It was great. Eventually we wore it out, so B (probably was drunk) cut it up to fix the connections. So after that I had a humping dog with a duct taped neck :) It was sexy.

Anyways, now I have a humping beagle that plugs into my USB port of my computer. When plugged in it just keep going and going......I'm going to use this when I'm in meetings!!!

TY ladies.

quote of the day

Sooo, forgot to post this last week, but this was a GREAT line...you know who you are and how much I love you:

"I need to go from Debbie Downer to Debbie Does Dallas"

AMEN!!! Sista.

ms. MI making the news

Well last weekend the Trump hosted his annual Miss USA contest, and this year has just as much controversy as last year with Ms. CA. Well on Sunday Ms. MI won (GO MI!!!) and she is Lebanese from Detroit.

One of my favorite podcasters is a Detroit radio station I listen to daily. I love them! And turns out they were the ones with the photos of Ms. MI doing a pole dance at one of there events a couple years ago. I know about this event which teaches women how to be more sexy in the bedroom and spice up their love life. It wasn't a contest, it was a class.

The girl was wearing shorts and a tank top, which by the way is MUCH more than she wore a bathing suit competition and for this required photo shoot. The Trump had all these ladies model basically NOTHING, less than vicies catalogs. So what is the big deal? I hate to ask, does this have anything to with her race??? Because it really can't be because of her clothing choose in these photos....

Sex and drama sells and the Trump knows that. Anyways....once again it is MI!

mlia and fml

I enjoy reading two website regularly which I haven't mentioned yet. Average people go on to post short stories about their effed up or average life. They are pretty funny and a great time waster, if you have it to spare:

MyLifeIsAverage

and

FMyLife

When you are having a bad day just go onto FML and give a short read. I guarantee it will make you feel better right away.

stop wearing flannel shirts

For GOD sake will people PLEASE stop wearing flannel shirts!!! I hate flannel shirts, and you won't ever catch me in one of those. Granted I'm talking shirts here, not pants. I'll wear the shit out of some flannel pants....

People in flannel shirts remind me of FFA, the country, people with mullets (these are typically tank flannel tops), Paul Bunyan (who has statues throughout the state of MN), and stupid Twillight (seriously, why why did you have to restart that?). Now you can't walk into any Gap (crap) or Old Navy without being bombarded with various shades and colors of plaid flannel button downs. Barf. And to put a cherry on top, they are now making flannel dresses...

Case and point, the poor Japanese prime minister whose national approval rating has gone down the shitter (no really, people are judging his work on this) because he wore this outfit:



No no no, this is not OK. There are soooo many things wrong with this photo, I can't even make coherent noises. First of all there are too many colors going on here. Let's not represent every shade of the rainbow in one damn shirt. Second, the colors are pieced together in obvious forms that my ma's 4-H girls might have done it. Finally, at least it is the same plaid print and not big then small strips. THAT might have pushed me over the small flannel shirt ledge I've been sitting on.

Mr. Prime Minister, I know you were on your way to a BBQ, but seriously, not OK...

the world needs more half pants

Well I was introduced to "half pants" today which apparently are becoming a hot fashion trend....yep it is what it sounds like....half of your pants are long legged and the other half are shorts!!! So sexy. For example, you can even do different colored fabric for each side, like this gem of cameo and strips:

I think I could totally rock these out. If these become really really popular, this means that I would only have to shave one leg!!! You heard it here first, these will be all the rage!

For those who don't know, I used to have a pair of flannel pants exactly like this. I called them my pirate pants because they were a little peg-legged, until I sewed another type of flannel fabric around the bottom! I got one pant leg stuck in my bike chain and apparently made a new style. I also split the ass seam and added another flannel fabric there as filler too!!! They were truly sexy, and I never knew what a trend setting I was back in the day.

pool jumpers

This looks like a great mockmentary...to go along with my slight obsession with the air guitar and sync swimming movies!!!

barsexual

I just learned a new word and I'm slightly depressed I hadn't heard about it before now....it refers to how men and women alike change sexual orientations when at the bar. Apparently, Bar-sexual is when, for example, a women will make comments about being bi-sexual to get more drinks or get attention. This person is straight but becomes "barsexual" when having some booze.

Hahaha, this is really funny to me. Sounds like a college thing primarily but probably happens at other times too. Girls especially, tend to turn alittle lesbian when drinking. Anyways, just educating you all. I know, so therefore you now know :)

(not has dirty as the last word we were discussing starting with a "d" but still educational)

t-shirts of the day

These remind me of the Big Band Theory and makes me giggle:



For Betty specifically:



For Gail specifically:

I need a hashbrown intervention

Let's picture it....it is Sunday morning and I'm sitting on my kitchen floor in my bath robe with my fourth cup of coffee (to numb the pain) while eating a soggy, burnt plate of hashbrowns doused in ketchup. I thought I'd treat myself to a big phattie (yeah, with a "ph" bitches) breakfast, but instead ended up with a plate of stupid mush bullshit that didn't work.

Last weekend I made Brian and I breakfast, which made me realize that I can't cook hashbrowns to save my life. This weekend I tried and failed again. If I cube the damn potato then it works fine but if I grate the potato, it all goes to shit. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I keep trying various iterations only to end up on my effing kitchen floor with a mess. Back in the day, I learned from an MSU cook that a good hashbrown should only be flipped once so you brown each side, BUT feck if it works for me!

(anyone remember those hashbrowns at Al's Breakfast in Dinkeytown USA??? I always had to take a massive #2 after those fabulous masterpeices)

I try it with oil, with water, with a lid, without a lid, on high heat, on low heat, with non-stick spray, and without spray. The stupid effer just turns into mush, then when I try to selvage it, I burn the shit out of it. I need a hashbrown intervention, someone help me, PLEASE!!! I don't know if I'll make it through another weekend....this goes to the creditability of the LL B&B....

I don't think there has ever been something I couldn't figure out how to cook.....I even mastered a good omelet. Frustrating.

camping possibilities that lead to nightmares

I found the perfect sleeping bag for all those camping outings you want to bring your children on!!!! Yeah these won't cause any nightmares. Forget sleeping with your teddy bear, how about your sleep inside the mouth/belly of a gigantic JAW-like shark. Baab, baab, baab (insert Jaws theme song)....



Plus, don't you think this shit would be too warm??? Crap on a cracker, I would be roasting in that thing...there is like 2 feet of stuffing on the top. I'd be sweating my balls off and my furnace of a body would want to reject me. Seriously. When I'd wake up in a dead sweat, I'd also have a moment where I thought a shark was eating me. Great. Fun.

some funky SJDK

T and I went to a little Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings (SJDK) on saturday night. This was a repeat performance when we couldn't get in the doors a couple months ago. It was a good funky, fresh time with their 9 person, red suit wearing band, and amazing teeny tiny (yet bad ass) black lead singer. I'm diggin this new song:

so excited for Betty White

So tonight Betty White, my favorite "this one time in St. Olaf" old lady, is hosting SNL. This makes me so happy because I've been a lifelong fan of the Golden Girls, watching them with my family and all my gay husbands. D sent me this great link with some of her best moments from the last 50 years on game shows, the golden girls, mary taylor moore, johnny carson, etc.

So the news about tonight's show just keeps getting better.....turns out Tina F, Amy P, Maya R, and all the other classic funny ladies are back in the NYC studio for Betty White. It is going to be decades of funny women all in one show! Classic, monumental, amazing. The best female comedians and this show just keeps getting better....

Tune in, or watch it on Hulu tomorrow, like I'll be doing!!!!

elvis just had to poop

Well this week, Elvis Presley's former doctor released records that the big heart throb had a major pooping problem. This really sucks, especially because everyone needs a good poop every once and awhile. I've read a little more about this story and apparently there are specific medical details about how big a colon should be and how much your body should be excreting material. Apparently the big E had some majority stoppable issues, which can be attributed to his weight gain/loss, and bloated-looking-ness. Yikes!!!

Everyone needs a good poop. Sort of feel bad for him. I doubt the drugs helped, but maybe a good cup of coffee would have been better! AND, this just sheds more light on the rumor that he died while on the toilet. Seriously, perhaps the heart strain was due to the possibility of really trying to push a big turtle head out.....you have to admit it is a possibility now we know he had some major pooing issues!

an epic Cville night

Well last night was an evening weeks in the making! It was an epic night, much like last weekend. It all started when my good friend A mentioned she was going to be in town this weekend, this after a number of conversations regarding wedding planning. I was worried that she wasn't going to get a good sending off into the marriage-hood-ball-in-chain-land, and I wasn't about to let happen! With wedding planning, job interviewing, and final disserting I figured now was as good of a time as any, even through we are a good 6 months from the wedding. We got to planning...

The night started off with me sticking my head in A's apartment door and yelling "helllooooo, you better put your clothes!!!" and her looking at me "ohhhh you're dressed up." We completely shocked her when 6 other friends followed me in the door and we announced there was a surprise Bachorlette party happening tonight....red faced, surprised, and overwhelmed, Wei-Bing just handed A her favorite beer and cheered profusely. We had brought her favorite Hawaiian pizza, which M never lets her order, and lots of good cheer. We had all the supplies to invade her apartment and hang out for a couple hours. This gave her time to change, and for us to start dressing her up:

A, you should happy that we didn't start pinning penises or condoms on you at this point in the night...but instead we had some nice tasteful bachelorette crowns, sashs, and shot glasses. I enjoyed some of the gift opening with books of various positions for each day of the year. You have fun with that!!! Especially since you'll now know how many calories you will burn for each possible position!

After everyone had some salad, pizza and beer and was relaxed, we had a Cville legend come pick us up. Yep, for those that don't know the Wahooptie's are a fleet of pimped out limos in town, and last night we got the bright orange one:


(I'm not sure what Cville gang signs look like, but I have a feeling neither A or I are giving the right ones)

That orange limo is one sexy bitch that drove us all over Cville. Our driver, Mason, thoroughly enjoyed us as we told lots of inappropriate sex related stories and screamed out the windows. OK perhaps it was only me yelling out the window, but that is besides the point. We popped open the bottle of champagne, continued dipping into the thermos of margaritas (J, I loved and want to steal that 80's thermos), and did some shots of Tequila Rose. Who doesn't want champagne when in a stretch orange limo??? Doesn't matter what we were drinking, but everyone was drinking it out of a bright neon penis straws....which followed us throughout the night. We just kept adding more embarrassing things as the night progressed.

Well my goal was to stop to take pictures at the Cville landmarks so that A had good memories of her life in Cville and leaving-single-life party. Our driver did not disappoint and we ended up with these gems:

Wahoooo, there is the famous Cville Rotunda and a little TJ memories. What, no one wants to go knock on our boss's door??? No, no??? Really, the big BOB might have welcomed us in...OK good thing we just stayed on the lawn and chased down have naked strippers who lost their shirts at 8 PM on a friday night....

And of course we had to find ourselves one of the legendary Cville signs. Thank god our driver found this one that didn't require us to stop on the 4 lane bi-pass highway, that might have gotten us arrested.....

Phhhhh, this photo was taken on the outside of the Cville police station and NOT from behind bars within. But you have to admit, THAT would have been an awesome end to the night if we all ended up arrested. I still want that to happen at some point in my life, where you turn to your best friend and say "that was a badass night" and then you go pee in the shared jail cell toilet.....(side note, OK OK I'm only kidding, don't worry and start calling me concerned).

Later that evening, we were dropped off at A's favorite Cville pub, Fellini's 9. We got there just in time so we didn't have to pay a cover and were able to get a big table. 3 additional friends met up with us there, which was really really special. To my surprise, my FAVORITE Cville bluegrass/jazzy band was playing that night. It was amazing to get some good Chicken Head Blues (hello, look at their name, you know they are badasses) in my life. We danced, we swayed to the music, we made friends with the old men, and we jammed out.

One of the Fellini's owners, who I immediately made friends with, helped me do some last minute more embarrassing moments for our lovely A. The owner got resourceful, pulled off some pictures, did some printing, consulted with me, and then finished a penis themed crown/hat which led to this amazing picture:

Could A's face be any redder? The best part was when everyone in the restaurant started cheering and yelling, then kept coming by the table giving us penis jokes. For example, "hey ladies, looks like your night has come to a head!" hahahaha, that was great. We had a couple bottles of wine and rounds of desserts, and thoroughly enjoyed our final evening at Fellini's 9. I love that place.

So, here's to you A and M, to marriage, to life, and to a bright future (we had multiple toasts like this throughout the night). Hope you had fun A!!!! We love you, and now you can leave Cville happy....

PS, as a parting note, A and I got a little frisky with the Thomas Jefferson statue on grounds/campus. This is an amazing picture of my girl and I dry humping the crap out of the amazing slave owning TJ....

oh relax apple

So the Apple people got their fundies all in a bunch when Ellen did a parody on her television show about the iPhone. They apparently got all worked up and made Ellen give an apology on air because she was making it look like it was difficult to use the iPhone. Ohhh relax! Crap have a sense of humor, for christ sake you named your last product iPad. Seriously? You can't be uptight if you called things an iPad. Do you not have any females on your staff???? Next product: iPeriod, you heard it here first.

Here is Ellen's parody and apology:

something to do this weekend

Well here is something EVERYONE should do this weekend. As I've mentioned the big Betty White is hosting SNL because she has become an internets sensation! Some of her first promo ads already came out and how the official SNL ones are here. Set your DVDRs or drink some coffee and stay up, because this will be legendary (here's hoping she doesn't suck), PLUS Jay-Z is going to be performing and that is alone is enough to make me wet my pants:

notes for all females

Thanks Helga for this website that explains what women do and wear that repel men from them. I am secretly wondering if these guys are gay because I seriously doubt that normal heterosexual men notice this much about fashion. Seriously, do they go looking for these photos or do they have subscriptions to Vogue too (PS, I really need to just pay the $12 to renew it because it "just feeds me more")? I think they might...

But you have to admit their commentary is pretty good:

"A chin strap will never get you laid"

To anyone who has ever wondered what an asshat looks like see these marching band like hats!

done and done

I just officially submitted my 40 page grant to my professor!!!! Yeah done and done and done. And I'm 95% sure is going to pass me without having to take an incomplete. Phhhhh. Everyone sigh together and then let's do a shot!!!!

It's 11 PM and I'm sitting in my work conference room, but it is over. Next time I start talking crazy about making myself a better person or professional someone hit me over the head with a bottle of whiskey. Seriously. I need to stop. Take a pottery class or take some time to sew, but for christ sake stop taking stats and writing classes. (this attitude will probably only last about 6 months, that is how it works in LL land).

But in the meantime, I'm going to take this weekend to celebrate that I did alot this semester. I got a paper published (have another under revision), I wrote a grant, I raised $13,000 for LFA, and I still did my normal 40 hour job, volunteer activities, and personal drinking activities without going into a flare. WAHOOOOO!!! That means I'm getting better at managing my life without killing myself. Points for LL.

PS, I have a meeting scheduled with my professor to discuss "next steps" with my grant. Here's hoping my initial inclination is true and he wants to do something with all this hard work....keep your damn fingers crossed.

got gas? is it ruining your relationship?

Got gas? A little fartie mcfartison?? Is it ruining your marriage/relationship? Well don't worry there is an answer for all those silent but deadly moments whilst in bed....you know where you fart and it permeates under the covers, or sits in the bedding until the morning when you are making your bed. These things, of course, don't happen to me because I never has gas (?!?!?!) and I never make my bed (the latter is pretty true). Well there is good news that now you can buy a blanket which will absorb all your fart-icles before they get into the air. Perhaps you should buy this blanket and then light that White Castle candle too....



Thanks B, though you should have just posted it on your blog!

music of the moment

In honor of the tickets Ash and I bought today to see Little Big Town and Sugarland, here is my favorite song of theirs:

what makes me happy

Well I figured out who my fabulous old lady at the nail painting nursing home reminds me of!!! It only took me a year, but she is Willie Ray Johnson from the Closer (ya know Brenda Lee's mother). Yep, she is this teeny tiny gray hair south bell lady from hot-lanta. She has a southern accent and she says "thank you, thank you very much" AND in the show, her husband's name is Clay and my lady's son's name is Clay. HOLY BALLS!!! Her other son's name is Clint, which is also very southern. She is so amazing and next time you watch the Closer just think about my lady because they could be twins. I'm going to tell her about the show tomorrow night...

Anyways, I'm almost done ripping/stealing all the Closer seasons, and I have a couple brilliant episodes that just make me giggle and giggle. For example, watch these beginning 4 minutes of this classic show with the best moments that might just get you hooked:



I may need to move onto a new show because as I've been telling my friends and family, I'm remembering dreams with Lt. Flinn and Provenza. I remembering dreams is weird enough because that NEVER happens, no less when they are off two gray haired guys. Granted, these are funny old dudes, but still that shouldn't happen. AND I suppose I should mention that I was riding in a cop car with them and not, you know, doing other things that people sometimes dream about.....

music of the moment

I work hard, I play harder....first to clock in but the last to pass out!

AMEN, sista!

don't mess with us pirates

So Johnny Depp has been filming his new film with the Jolie-Pitt clan in Italy, and apparently was out with some friends the other night. Some dude attempted to mug their group and JD saved the day.

Apparently JD looked the mugger straight in the eyes and told him to back off. Then the criminal said "OK I ain't stealing from Captain Jack" and then took off after JD gave him a couple dollars and told him to get his life together. Bam!

Yep that is right, don't mess with the Captain (Morgan or Jack for that matter). Pirates, we'll cut you up, seriously. You have to admit it is pretty impressive that JD gave give a death stare and people back down. I need to work on my eye contact, like Joey in Friends with his eye contact thing.

Although it is possible that I already have a good death stare....thoughts?

sniff sniff, is that white castle I smell?

Why yes yes it is! Remember those late night drunken runs to White Castle, which only gave you the runs the next morning after eating all those sliders? Well now you can experience the loveliness of White Castle burger in your own home when you buy the WC candle!

It looks like a WC bag but when you light it, it smells like a "bed of onions" aroma. SICK!!! I may have just thrown up a little in my mouth. Apparently the candle is $10 and most of the good smelling sales will go to charity. Do I get to pick the charity??? Then maybe....

My concern would be all the drunken frat boys mistaking the candle for something more delicious and eating it! Admit it, it could happen.

what is with these lacrosse players?

Seriously, what is with these LaCrosse players??? They are some serious east coast douches who I swear to punch in the goodies. Seriously, I've been getting emails all day about the reported death of college student at UVA who was originally thought to be an overdose but that the local police were investigating as a homicide. Odd to everyone else??

Then it is reported that a female LaCrosse player died last night and that her male LaCrosse boyfriend has be arrested and charged with her murder. He was taken into costudy this AM because there was "visable phyical trauma" to his girlfriend.

This jhole has reportedly stood up in defense of the Duke LaCrosse students, who he went to high school with. What is going on with these player that they think it is OK to abuse women???? Not OK to hit your girlfriends...

goodbye garden

Well I mentioned in passing yesterday that during the epic weekend that B was working on setting up my garden. You know, I can't be in the sun so it makes it difficult for me to dig the ground up during the day, and let's face it, it looks like I might be trying to bury someone if I did it at night (cats???). Well, while he was digging, some mean lady came and tried to cock block him stating she was the landlord and he couldn't do that. Luckily, B was respectful and after saying we did this last year he stopped digging. I got my sexy ass out of the bathtub and tried to figure out what the hell happened and how someone found out/tattled on us!

We left the 2x3 foot space fenced in but did not plant any of my plants just in case. I decided to play it by ear if I was going to stop into the main office today or wait awhile first. Before 9 AM I got an email from the property managers I know and love to contact them asap about my "garden". OOOOhhhh no!!!

Over the lunch hour I stopped in and got the details. Turns out the landlord, who apparently is a major bitch, was on grounds this weekend for all the tree trimming and saw us being master gardeners. The landlord apparently is different then the 5 friends I have who are the property managers, who had given me approval last year. This psycho bitch apparently called them all on saturday and made comments about how I should be evicted, etc. My ladies were like, she is a good tenant and we will talk to her first thing on Monday and basically guaranteed I wouldn't have a problem regrowing the grass for them.

So apparently they let me slide before but now that I've been spotted by the raging hose beast, my martha facherness is over. No more steroid garden growing and no more green thumbs for me. My patio and apartment have officially been put on the shit list and I bet I'm going to be patrolled now. And frankly I don't want to get my manager friends in anymore trouble than I already have since they did stand up for me. Crazy hookers...

Now I have to decide to give away my plants, or go buy some massive pots to place them in on my patio this weekend. I'm leaning towards the latter....

excellent weekend

Well this was an excellent weekend full of good friends and family! M was down from B-more and had convinced B to come down during the Lupus Walk two weeks ago. I consider these people my family, whether you want me or not! All my favorite people were in town so we had to have our biannual BBQ, it's a tradition. This year we threw in a little disc golf and boozed filled nalgene bottles into the mix:

Not everyone drinks their whiskey out of nalgene bottles....some choose to recycle their plastic maple syrup bottles. I love you H!

Disc golf was a hit, even though we all sweated our balls off. Seriously, the humidity was enough to make you lose like 10 pounds stat. It did cloud over a little so the big ball of death in the sky wasn't as scary. H is some type of serious golfer with his own fanny pack bag, 40 billion discs, and a wife who does about 4 practice swings before throwing. It was a good thing we had such a pro-fess-ional because otherwise I'd still be wondering around that county park with no cell phone reception looking for a BBQ pit.

I offered to light the plastic pinto on fire if we couldn't find a grill at the park for the annual spring BBQ, but instead we shifted to D's house so that a real party could proceed. Although it should be noted that D tried to lose the 6 car caravan on the way there (don't worry I was in the big effing truck and it doesn't lose people, it runs them over). I'm still worried K/H won't make it, and apparently H needs a new pair of fun-dies (you know, fun underwear--I have a couple pairs you can borrow) after having to lasso some horses on the way. BBQs at D/T's house means that the dogs are in heaven:

Let's consider what J is saying to big Cam here:

• Should I feed him or is he about to jump me?
  
• I don't like sharing my bag o' chips.....(seriously I think you did eat that bag all by yourself--no judgment!)
• Maybe if I just give him my beer, he'll leave me alone....
  
• Keep yo distance 100 pound no manners mongrel....

Everyone was able to kick their feet up and do some high quality relaxing, which included a visit from K and R too. There was talk of some testicle tossing but D seems to lose his balls whenever T is not in town :) They were no where to be found, so we had to settle for football in the street. This was a highlight for me when M, R, B and I were doing some amazing Wayne's World football. Car, GAME ON, bitches!!! Don't worry, when it got dark, we had glow 'n the dark balls too (hahaha, I just said glow n' the dark balls!!!!)

Speaking of balls, we all know big Cam is a butt sniffer, but he also sometimes goes for other goodies. Personally I love this pic...M is smirking on the side, A is maxing and relaxing, and big Cam is going right for B's crotch. Get'em Cam, get'em!!!

Ohhh and per normal, the food was amazing. Thanks Poppa B for those amazing meat man brats. They were tasty. Overall a good time was had by all as the conversation led to our favorite movies, directors, and genres of all time. We ended the night with the best picture ever of all the girls, minus T (although you were in our hearts). Someone threw on a little Landslide and all the girls started hugging and swaying (and apparently feeling each other up) which was the best moment of the night:

This weekend felt like home for me. B was here, we were bitching at each other, BBQing, and driving around in his big ass truck blaring some Garth Brooks with my feet hanging out the window. It wouldn't be a good time if my legs weren't out the window and I wasn't fist pumping to Trace Adkins. Besides this amazing conversation, I also thoroughly enjoyed these moments:

• B saying "I'm not sleeping in that room with all your science, I've already read all those posters!" referring to my spare bedroom. Well quit your damn drunken complaining, at least there was a new poster to read!
• B climbing a tree to get a frisbee out of it.
  
• B working to set up my garden which didn't completely happen because my "landlord" came to bitch him out (still trying to figure out that situation and what went down to alert them). Where was I, you ask to stand by my B??? I was in the bathtub. Yep I was relaxing whilst B was in the sun shoveling me an illegal garden.
• Later I said it was probably a good thing we didn't mention to my landlord that I normally have an 8 foot christmas tree fire hazard during the holidays, and have painted my walls. B joked he should have said "wait, you mean I can't re-tile the kitchen?" Damn I so was going to knock out a wall and do some remodeling soon....
  
• Me-"which is more important to ice down, beer or potato salad?" EVERYONE ELSE in unison-"BEER"
• I got my article completed and submitted to the journal this AM which was a good 12 hours before my deadline.
• G, B and I had the amazing Blue Grass Grill this AM...cilantro tofu lime hash makes me soooo happy (especially when I don't have to sit next to the guy that smells like shit, like fresh off the farm poop).
• My arms and shoulders hurt this morning from all that frisbee and football throwing. My right arm isn't as practiced as all you guys.....(insert whatever joke you want to--clean or dirrrrty)......us girls have been boxing and seriously, I can still feel it.
• Yvonne was randomly in Cville yesterday and was trying and trying to call me, and couldn't understand why my phone was off. Damn in the middle of no where golf course! Sorry Y, we'll rock out in a month!
  

video of the week

Forgot to post this Shatner masterpiece earlier this week, makes me giggle:



This makes me just blurt out "turn around, bright eyes"....

And for those who might not know, this is Lin Yu Chen who famously sang this song on an asian AI-ish show. I love LOVE his haircut and am planning to do the same look once I chop off all my hair...it is totally in right now.

this better not be my family

This one is for A as a reminder that all this wedding business could be worse. For example, you could have received this card:

PS, you maybe stressed but food is not the answer.

PPS, who has handwriting like that anymore???