well no shit

This isn't a surprise. I mean for god sake we're in a recession or something. Now go get a job you lazy piece of crap! True statement, this picture of the day:

the place for your next vacay

In these exotic waters, just feel free to express yourself, to let it all go, to be free with your body. Yeah again, you all miiiight need to hire me as all time proofreader for your telemarketing because that whole relaxing reflection isn't working for you:

72 days and it's over

Wowsa, did you hear??? The Special K news??? Kimmy K has filed for divorce from her tall MN-soten husband. They made it a whole 72 days. Considering they were PAID $17.9 million for their wedding that means it was worth a nifty $10,358.80 per hour. 10Gs per hour. HOLY BALLS!!

Check this out for a detailed break down of the numbers. It was funny how #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage was trending on twitter for days producing such epic tweets as:

• #Blackberry service outage #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage (which I thought McBetty would enjoy).
• #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage her last name.
• #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage Taylor Swift's speech because Kanye grabbed her mic
  

Well you know now that we all look back at it, there was some signs we were missing that would have suggested this abrupt end. For God’s sake, this GIF taken from Keeping Up With The Kardashians should have given it away months ago…

What kind of jhole throws a woman into the ocean? I'm sure she is fine. I heard she’s completely buoyant carrying around all that well-known junk in the trunk, but still.

I still contend that these are s-m-r-t business people and she played her heart and wallet pretty well this time. Point Kim, advantage Special K family.

we may have a flushing problem

I rarely make mistakes. I'm typically so fucking organized and on the ball that things rarely surprise me.

I remember one major, hilarious screwed up from last fall, (from what Helga said, it was the first time in 10 years that she saw genuine surprise on my face) that occurred when I drove the plastic pinto away from a gas station without first taking the nozzle from my car :) We had to tell the attendant "Ahhh we may have had a mishap on pump 7."

Well the other day I had to admit to my live-in loverpants, N, that "we may have had a mishap in the bathroom". There I was, relaxing, hanging out, and half out of my mind after a busy week. I was in our new bathroom, and decided to change the empty roll of toilet paper while flushing. The result was something like a baton twirler or rolling a coin through your fingers:



And before I truly could comprehend what was going on, the toilet paper rod fall into the toilet and went completely down the pipe. I stood there stunned. I really couldn't move while I tried to figure out where the hell it went.

I flushed again. No problems. I thought, there is not way that rod went all the way down the pipes. I considered not telling anyone. I considered sticking my hand down there. I considered running out to Lowes and buying a new rod.

Things continued as normal for a couple hours but once Nik showed up, all plans were shot to shit when it started backing up. Note to self: not a good idea to try to limit the amount people can pee or poop.

I really enjoyed having to call my landlord the next day, fully embarrassed, to report that I am an idiot who can't change a toilet paper roll and subsequently causes my toilet to back up. I figured I'd have to pay extra as they ripped up my entire bathroom, but luckily it wasn't too far down and the damage was minimal. The next day I got home and the rod was back on the holder, just there mocking me!

What an idiot. At least I wasn't like this kid:

let's call our friends

This one is for all the up and coming parents out there (I'm talking you, R). If I was a new parent, these are the things I would try to do with all those annoying toys. Here are some things you need to know as a new parent:

• The big side of the diaper goes in the back
• Don't over heat the bottle
• Never toss or lift children over your head (they will also puke on you)
• Sleep whenever you can
  
• And this, dial 3-6-9 for laughter:

Holy balls I enjoyed that. I've been watching it over and over and over, and giggling.

Yep, I'm going to be a great parent....

you may need a new color of tights

OK it is official, you probably shouldn't wear nude tights! I swear I would have died if I saw this in Lowes. I'd be whipping my head back and forth, rubber-necking in a state of shock. It took me a minute to realize what was happening here, and that was in a picture. Considering you are the cashier, I guess that whole "no shirt, no shoes, no service" thing doesn't really apply:

we're getting slizzard

So I always wonder how companies or non-profits or other organizations man their social media accounts. You know, does one person have access or do a group of people? Well it turns out that the Red Cross needs to change the password on their twitter account. This week their was a rogue tweet that went out to all 200,000 of their followers:

Wowsa. That sucks. Red Cross responded immediately and took it down, but not before some clever bloggers got screenshots. I mean, who doesn't love Dogfish beer??? But seriously, you people are handling donated blood and perhaps you shouldn't be getting crunk at the office. For crying out loud, you're already so drunk you didn't even spell slizzard correctly! I feel as if the Red Cross owes me an apology for not being able to properly spell pop culture slang. Now go get in your G6....

There is an upside to the situation and Dogfish brewery jumped on it. They began promoting the mistake on their website and with their fanclub, suggesting people should give the gift of life. Great. So instead of having two drunks working for the Red Cross, we have thousands of drunks donating their alcohol-infused blood to the Red Cross. I'd be on board, except that don't like my universe blood anymore--damn autoimmunity.

This weekend, I'm #gettingslizzard

vicky's makes permanent headlights

Well I just read that American woman's favorite over-priced lingerie store has started making bras with built-in permanent highlights. For those that don't know, when I say headlights or high beams, I'm talking fully erect boobies....like you could cut glass with those things....like they're looking-right-at-me type of nips.

Apparently, Vicky's (aka Victoria's Secret) in all their glorified size zero telemarketing, has created a bra that not only lifts and separates but also provides a little (would you like a suckle of my ziple?) dimension. You don't need to turn into JLo and hire a nipple tweeker, just shop at Vicky's and buy it built in. Don't worry having to buy the silicon nipple inserts, just pick up a bra with the highbeams already turned on:

This would do abs-fuckin-nothing for me. I got huge girls already and frankly I don't need any type of bra that further enhances the gifts that were passed down me. Most of the time I'm trying to keep them under wraps, and not letting them out free in the open saying hello to everyone!!!!

What's your sign? (minus 1 month)

Sooo I was having a thrilling conversation the other day about Zodiac signs. I didn't know what sign I was---a turtle, a dove, a rattlesnack---turns out I'm a unicorn! Actually, the truth (with some cheese on it) is I still don't remember what I am. BUT I did learn that I was connected with Helga sexually. Yep, we should just be dating each other!!! Like we didn't know that for the last 10+ years.

Well anyways, you can understand why I was unhappy when I read that the zodiac signs may be changing. Apparently the earth's wobble (weeble?) has created a 1 month bump from when you were born. CRAP!!! That just throws off my entire world. Now I'm a donkey....I knew it. Probably an orange one, that humps things.....all because of the cosmic weeble that sets us all back a month.

This begs the question, is the world wobbling??? Are we no longer on an axis? Does this have anything to do with the fact that 49 our of 50 states had snow on the ground this week? Or perhaps it is all the birds and fishs dying?

In other related news:

• I'm actually only 5'5
• Jesus (my homeboy) could part water and then turn into vodka

damn you auto correct

OMFG I'm laughing my balls off at my new favorite site, called Damn You Auto Correct! These are posts for when that "auto correct" feature totally screws you over. This happens to me all the time when a word ends in "t" and is followed by "it" and so I spell "tit" :) Then Brian and I giggle like 12 year olds!

Well these are cases where technology goes bad. Here are some of my favorites:

Well I'm planning on whoring this week...

OK this one is making me actually cry with laughter: