preparing for Vday

Well Single's Awareness Day is fast approaching, and some of my favorite old people are already sending you greetings. This will serve as your reminder and I suggest that you start preparing for how you will spend this corporately promoted, made-up Hallmark holiday. For example, I will be spending it in a bottle of red wine. But for many of you it might be important for chocolates and flowers. Well thank god the people of Walmart know what we all need and have conveniently placed these ideas in one end aisle:

If you have to end your night with what's on the bottom shelf, your Valentine's Day probably didn't go as well as anticipated. I mean you should start at the top and work your way down...

Happy f-ing Single's Awareness Day. Boooo.

dirty knitting

Last month I found a moose humping winter hat which I suggested Momma B make for me. It combines winter gear with some dirty images that are bound to turn heads. It looks all nice and holiday-like when in reality it is all about humping on your melon.

It is probably more difficult to disguise your dirty knitting when it is a sweater and sewn with love across your chest. For example, check out this guy's frosty boner sweater:



I've been thinking about hosting a "holiday sweater" party for years now, and this would be a perfect addition. A good friend of mine did this for her wedding party where everyone had to wear an ugly holiday sweater or sweater vest. Again, I can state definitely without hesitation that Momma B would have about half a dozen sweater options for a party like this :)

Also, this guy has complimented his dirty sweater with a bow tie. Hot. More men need to wear bow ties, and top hats, and pimp canes (make note men in my life).

it's time for alittle helga

I'm in extreme preparation for an exciting trip to CA. We're going back, back, back, to cali, cali, cali (insert notorious B-I-G). I am going to get my yearly dose of Helga time, my all time best butt rubbing, leg humping, lover pants friend. I'm going to sass the shit out of her, and extreme whistle, and rub my feet on her pillows, and bark at her, and be super duper cheerful in the morning. It is gonna be great...I can't wait.

Helga, you are welcome to sit on my lap anytime:



Also, I'm pretty sure I am going to hump your leg. Be that in a parking lot or on a train or on a plane. Look out, hump hump hump:



Considering we are in CA, I imagine there is going to be hiking happening. You know where my foot can take it. So we will be in the woods, hugging trees and loving mother nature (PS, I still have this t-shirt):



I hope we will be on a boat somewhere, just so I can sing, "I'm on a boat..I'm on a mother f-ing boat." I really love cities with water in them, especially when they have boats, like ferry boats or tour boats:



I am positive there is going to be some drinking. I mean, it's LL, right? Yeah, so it may not look exactly like this blow job shot taking, but definitely some drinking:



Along with the drinking, I hope to laugh my balls off. I'm going to laugh and laugh, and then laugh at you, and finally laugh at me. It's gonna be great, no seriousness here:



And finally, we will have some hugging. Helga may try to push me away, but I'm 6 foot tall, bigger than you, and can wrap my arms 4x around you. Deal with it. And my personality is 2x times as big as normal people which means, I'm coming and we are going to embrace:



Woot woot, see you Saturday you hooker!

sex on the (winter) brain

Momma B knits me shit, like socks and dish rags, but I'd like to officially request this hat:

Now I know it is going to be difficult to get all the humping, but I know you can do it. Get those needles moving fast and remember there is definite penetration here. I wonder if I wore this around if people would actually notice it was moose sex and not just moose. I mean I like moose, but I particularly like the dirty part!

dirty chruch signs

Thanks to Mrs. Bling for this little hump day fun (couple weeks ago). These churches, of all denominations, had some unintentional dirty-ness in their front yard signs. These houses of worship need some proofreaders for their telemarketing messages, because they just don't see what I see. For example, thank you seventh-day adventist church for this sign that is most applicable for the women of the congregation:



And here is one I'm not entirely sure about, church name and signage message:

run, my friends, run!!

Well I'm overdue with chronicling my vacation about a month ago. It all started with a marathon race on Halloween in DC. As in the District of Columbia, you ask?? Why yes, the entire town shuts down, 21000 people run, and thousands come to watch the craziness. I mentioned previously that my friends are the best, and they had decided to run their balls off in order to raise money for the Lupus Foundation of America. They ran 26 miles and raised over $2000. AMAZING!!! (PS, you can still donate).

There were lots of stories that started around 7 AM, but let's skip ahead to 3ish when we all reunited:



We got TWO FINISHERS!!! Woot, woot. JB and B got metals whilst Helga and I were still in our last minute Halloween costumes. Typical, I'm the tall devil with horns! While Helga gets to be a little pussy :)

At this point of the marathon-day-of-fun, we were just so happy to find JB. We saw them both at mile 1, JB at 10, and both at 16 where we were a little worried. JB finished like a trouper (despite the bum knee), then collapsed in the arms of a hot marine who was "concerned about the slurring of words"--yep I saw the medical report word for word!!! If Brian or I were there we would have thrown her over our shoulder and said "she's fine, don't worry about"--the line we've been saying for 10 years whenever she looks drunk in a bar! They med-tented her up and then sent her through the crowd of 20,000 people. When we finally found her, we embraced, we cried, we gave her more oranges to smear across her face and the first words she says "THAT WAS TOO LONG!!!" We slowly carried her back to the plastic pinto (hoping she didn't crap her shorts due to excess laughter), but half way across the bridge we heard the finish line music and.....



....Cripple dance party!!! 1 Luppie and an injured runner. There was lots of pelvic thrusting and air humping right there in the middle of DC. We were bumping to the song that eventually became the jam of the week. And speaking of pelvic thrusts, we all had a good time stretching it out with the Big B whilst waiting for JB:



Betty's favorite photo was Helga and I thrusting each other while Brian did a squat. Two thrusts and a squat....can't complain! Sooo here are some of the highlights for you all:

• During mile 1, some dude ran by and yelled "here cat girl" and through a Marine OooRah flag at Helga. From here on out I carried that flag yelling "WHO-HA" instead of Oorah, until I was afraid that someone might shoot me for basically yelling "VAGINA" as part of my enthusiasm.
• I balanced my f/phat ass on a cement barrier holding up a "Run, Brian, Run! You can do it!" sign for over an hour, and neither Brian nor JB saw me. They both ran by seeing the people on the damn ground!
  
• At some point I was commenting about how my arms had been in the air for at least 45 minutes holding up signs.....Betty turns and is like "really, really? you are complaining that are arms hurt while your friends run 26 miles???" Well in the words of Crazy Grandma, gravity is a bitch!
• Sign of the day "My wife beats me (at running)"
• Due to the random shootings in DC that week, there was some major security and firepower at the race. Helga and I saw a SWAT guy with 3 guns strapped to his legs and a 4 foot sniper riffle guarding a port-a-potty. Also, there were low flying helicopters with men hanging out of them with guns. Scary!
• That carb goo helps with energy during the race, but it makes you dangerously gassy! Light a match, seriously fierce.
• Lasagna and ice baths make for good pre- and post-race activities even if profanities are involved.
• If you are ever going to run a marathon (btw, you're crazy) the place to do it in this race....there are soooo many people, monuments, bands, and excitement throughout the course that you are never bored as a runner (until you make the bridge your bitch).
  

THANK YOU so much for visiting, for running, for raising money for Lupus, and for everyone who supported their efforts. It was a beautiful, fun and amazingly inspiring day!!! Thank you for being a part of it! xoxoxo

PS, and one last photo to make your day....this person was dressed in a sumo blow up suit and had no idea I was being all sneaky behind her:

stupid train song

Well Coke has come out with a series of their holiday advertisements and commercials, and I want to punch myself in the throat. Since I don't ever turn on my TV anymore, I hear that damn Train song every time I'm in the plastic pinto. Shake it up, shake up the happiness, shake it up!!!! Shake, hump, shakkkkke it.....hump, hump, hump. Damn you Train and your catchy jingles:



Painful.

beach trip pics part 3

Well the last couple days have been a little slow owing to the need for mid-day recovery sessions after some major dance parties. We have shut down a number of bars and then continued the beach house fun till the wee hours of epic-ness (especially for the big LL). We have had a number of "lupus approved" days on this trip which makes me want to run around naked but isn't necessarily enjoyable for the rest of my vacation companions! We have had very little Vit. D-ish days. More posts with stories and highlights to follow, but in the meantime here are some glimpses:



We hit up the OBX dunes the other afternoon which resulted in alot of sand walking. It was like being in a desert right in the middle of a long island. We were all fully clothed, per normal!



Here is our only trip to the "sound" side of the OBX island. I stayed up on the dune but I heard there were some toey's in the sound part. Look at that friendly embracing without any humping--definitely not the norm.



Ahhhh well that is better. Sex on the pool table, whilst wearing 4 layers of sweatshirts in preparation for the last beach trip. I'm not sure if Hanzzzy (our landlord) will like that there was some humping on the pool table. Oh well.



I need this photo for A and M, so that I could yell "GO COCKS!!!" That sweatshirt has come in handy, for sure. Soooo this was pre-strip-down-and-jump-in-the-fing-cold-ocean time. JB and I did a little wake-boarding in the 50 degree water like troopers. It was totally hot and then we ran out (imitating some baywatch moves), drank salt water, got blown away, and walked home to the hot tub! We have been trespassing all over the OBX area, including "borrowing" some wakeboards from an empty house. They said "lifeguard" which definitely helped in our baywatch re-enactment.

Here's to the last day of beach vacations!!! Dance party tonight? Great. Sounds like a plan. Perhaps we can get them to plan our two favorite songs that have been dubbed the beach trip soundtrack:



Oh Taio you sexy bitch. I hope our good friend "DJ Bruce" plays this again for us tonight....BUT how could we forget about that new song poot it, toot it, smoot it, and boot it:

highlights of my day

• First pumpkin spiced latte of the season. Absolute heaven.
• Love notes on the plastic pinto at work. Hump, hump, hump.
• Getting bootie slapped randomly at the gym (OK, OK it was someone I knew but at first with was slap'n go which I thoroughly enjoyed).
  
• Roasting a chicken in the crock pot (poppa b would be so proud that I got it for 99 cents a pound, and paid attention to this). More evidence fall is here....LL crockpot creations and soups.
• I started downloading the 4 gigs of music and 100 gigs of videos I "borrowed" from T/D/C2 on Sunday. Bring on all the True Blood seasons, since I can't do hardcopy or audio books.
• Visiting 2 of my favorite local preschools and making a teacher almost cry with appreciation of our work. Joy.
  
• Picked up my new glasses! The new sun glasses = slight Olsen twins tendency. I got a new prescription where I can see again, makes driving less fun without the bluryness though.
• Getting a gift of homemade granola from a colleague that had MI dried cherries in it! Holla for MI products.
• Spending my lunch hour talking to Momma B now that she is retired with nothing but sewing to do.
• I think I took 2-3 major poops today, which is 2-3 more than Helga has in the last 5 days. Happiness.
  

an open letter requesting fall

Dear mother nature,

I know you are busy being all motherly and organic and naturally, but I'm done with summer. Bring on fall. I'm ready for cooler weather, for less sun, for changing leaves, and for football season. More reason to end the summer: my garden was a big flop that only produced 1 cucumber and a couple strawberries which basically turned into hummingbird food.

I had to lock myself in my apartment this weekend and turn into Martha Facher so to keep myself out of trouble. I came, I baked, I cooked. I'm tried of hiding indoors and being so freaking mcsweaty when outside. The days are getting shorter and I'm totally OK with it. So please mother nature, can the big VA just get a little colder, please?

I promise to keep hump/ugging trees and recycling if you will just bring on the fall....

Eternally yours,
LL

sexual favors for everyone

Well I had a pleasant surprise of opening up my mail this afternoon after being gone for 8 days to find:

• Two packages of drugs
• A check for $205 with writing in the notes field stating: "for sexual favors"
• A package containing a Vogue magazine, coffee, and a love note

I feel so loved. Drugs, fashion, caffeine and sexual favors.....what else could a girl ask for?