redneck backyard mouse trap

Oh wow. This is nuts.

This people have too much time on their hands. How did they build this? And seriously, I'd be super afraid to go through this and actually do it! This is a human, waterslide, mouse trap game o' fun:

MJ ben buttoned into this kid

Woah, America's got talent has had some good new acts this year. There was the badass old lady tell you about sex and now they found Michael Jackson who may have pulled an Benjamin Button back in time to this kid:



Woah, like woah. Way to break it down sugar. I really like this kid. I would put him in my purse. Steal him right up. All that personality and sass. Yes please.

Did you like his closing statement..."it only matter if it comes from your heart" Oh lord. I love you. 

OK I'm taking votes for this kid's next song. Bad? Billie Jean? Remember the Time?

problem solving skills

We need more critical thinkers in this world. Yep, higher order thinking is important. Take this guy at the airport. He totally knows how to make the most of a real shitty situation by figuring out a way to  charge his phone:




See there's no problem you can't solve if you just use your head. Hands free bitches.

Whoever put the damn outlet 40 feet up the wall does not have any higher order thinking skills. Seriously. Stupid.

woah, old lady raps your business

I like old people. I've said this for years. I'm gonna be a great old person--knock your socks off, be pitching asses in the nursing home, and still talking like a deranged pirate.  Or perhaps I be this lady:



We all need to learn about family values, how to keep it in your pants. Where else would you want to learn this business if not on a bad reality show by a hot pink pearl wearing Grandma. She might be my new idol. Tell me my business Granny, I like it.

She just said "piss ant pimp" and I loved it. I'm going to use this from now on! Oh and remember sex isn't free yo, west siiiiiide bitches. 

I wonder what she'll be next round. Someone watch for me!

what I'd call my prof

Hahaha, this crack me up. I would totally do this. I'd take Jilly Bean, Helga, and the big B and we'd put together some mission where everyday one of us would accomplish operation "Dr. Hedgehog". Brilliant. Almost as good as "Liberal Farts":

thinking about m-day

Well May is fast approaching and I've been thinking about the good old Momma B. I ran across this string of texts messages and felt like it might be something that would happen to me:

Ma OK note to self....if you're going to be expressive over text you need to download the "Not Going To Kill Myself" emoticon. It's a smiley face taking a pair of scissors to a noose and it's adorbs.

I want to carpool with you

You know the economy is tough these days. People just don't have time to be at home martha faching it up by baking in the kitchen (they still better make me a sandwich though). Well I ran across this picture of the day and thought, damn I wanna carpool with this person:

Damn, why didn't I think of this!

And WAYYYY to take advantage of this heat wave. That is what I call resourceful!

I'm not sure this would work in the plastic pinto. She might just shallow them all up with all her burnt grass-ness.

better coordination than you

I don't like when animals are more talented than me. I'll be even more pissed if a cat is s-m-r-ter than me, but maybe I'm marginally more OK with dogs. I mean check this big d-o-double g:



You know, now that the government's been cracking down on dog fighting, dogs in the hood have had to find new hobbies.

A-mazing.

potato chips save the day

Violence is never the answer but shit happens. Crazy people go nuts all the time. But somehow this always happens on public transportation. I mean check this video with two people drop kicking the shit out of each other:



Unlike your average run-of-the-mill internet subway fight video, this one gets broken up in the most nonchalant way possible: By a dude choosing to stand between the combatants and eat potato chips. If all it takes to break up a fight is to stand there and eat chips, then who knows, someday even I might be a hero!

I vote we rename this video to "Man Breaks Up Subway Fight By Fearlessly Eating Potato Chips". Done and doneski.

oh lionel, are you there?

I've decided I really like Lionel Richie. The mullet-like hair, the stache, and legendary songs. I've highlighted previously some well-place song lyrics in new gifts you can buy me. And now we get the best video ever made involving that a0-amzing hello, it is you? song:

Hello from ant1mat3rie on Vimeo.

We're pretty confident this is the best version of this song ever created, and not just because it's "performed" by some of my favorite movie characters, or because it doesn't involve a clay bust of Lionel Richie's giant head. It's also because the person who recorded it had nothing to do with the creation of Nicole Richie or her friendship with Paris Hilton.

oh yeah! hip old lady

If my crazy grandparents were still alive I would have totally done this in their kitchen. I would have taught GS the shoulder dust off, the nose inch, and the chest pop. If this old lady had more junk in the trunk she totally could have done a hot bootie dance (but as GS always said "its a bitch getting old").

I mean check out her ty-died shirt and stretch pants. She is so hip she is almost a hipster (or gangsta, whichever):



Pop, pop, pop it like its hot. I like it.

we all cry over spilled beer

I expect more out of the Germans. They should know how to carry beer, how to drink beer, and how to sing whilst swaying your arms to a good beer-drinking song. You should not be allowed to wear those lederhosen if you can't handle this:



There's no use crying over spilled milk. But spilled beer? Only a fucking weirdo would laugh about that. This is a deutschland tragedy of epic proportions. The way that guy was warming up and doing some squats in preparation for this beer lifting, I really thought he had it in him! This will continue to sadden me all night.

Kanst du letzt mich hernen? Ya!!!

holy balls deep

Wowsa, check out this Jeopardy player going balls deep, laying all his shit out there, taking on Alex like a true badass. This is the scariest 60 seconds of Jeopardy ever:



Wow, Alex is like "excuse me?" what did you say? Did I hear you wrong? And then boooom the guy is like a millionare. Go big or go home bitches.

political season, let's start the drinking games

Well we have officially entered political season, that means the GOP primaries are in full force. The politicko signs are up around town, the email and television ads are going, and things are about to get CRUNK for the rest of us.

I enjoy politicks much more when I create drinking games during the speeches. Like when BO says "Hope" everyone takes a shot. Like when Perry says "Brother" to Cain you take a sip of your beer. You can set up your own, and maybe check out these ideas for some inspiration.

Since it is the getting close to the intense politicko season, let's quick do a review of the most noteworthy drinking game:

Case and point #1: Sink your battleship and my liver in one great game

Case and point #2: The worlds larger beer pong game, where I'm positive that the big ball of death in the sky will warm all the beer before you can consume it.

I'm kranky and have 100 dildos

I like old people. Man, they'll give it to you straight. Tell you your business and take names. Take this old dude, he don't like you because your asian AND because you don't put dildos in your safety deposit box at the bank. I mean where else you would keep your collection of plastic penises??? In a storage unit off route 29 or under lock and cover that you would only know about after watching the following video:



When you know you don't have much time left, it's important to know that your home, condo and extensive sex toy collection will be left in good, suddenly confused hands. Oh, what, you think this is weird? Well what was he supposed to do, leave them all to that stuffed crane? You can't just abandon an entire warehouse of expensive, finely-crafted rubber penises, and he already tried giving them to charity. This is for the best — those fake dicks belong with family.

I don't need no stinkin iPod

This may or may not be my live-in loverpant, N:



I know, I know, soooo ghetto yet inventive, right?

But let me ask you this: Does your mp3 player provide you with lumbar support??? It's hard to get down to Lady Gaga with lower back pain.

Someone please enter this man into a contest to win an iPod touch. On second thought, I would gladly give up my iPod shuffle for that pan full of bacon.

more evidence I should be all time proofreader

I TOTALLY would have read this trivial pursuit card and thought....



Option a) PENIS
Option 2) wand
Option iii) + 1 inch for the ideal size
Option 4) springy yet reasonable light (if you know HP you know what I'm taking about)

OK so I need to be hired as all time proofreader. Seriously, I'd be great at it. I have such a dirty mind, I'd be able to tell you your business right away. No prob. I'm on it.

we all can't live in the flintstone's house

Can you name any Hollywood couples that are still together? They don't exactly last too long. But one which has stood the test of time has been the Fresh Prince and his teeny tiny Queen. His famous line: "Welcome to EARTH" bitch.

Well anyways, we know the Smith-Pinkett family has been branching out and showing all their hidden talents. Case and point, Jaden can judo chop the shit out of you. While his kid sister, Willow will take one of your eyes out with her hair wiping back and forth (and for the record I'm still worried she is going to have neck problems longterm).

Now they are showing off their home, not for an episode of Cribs or Extreme Cribs, but for architectural digest magazine. In these photos we learn that there is another less-known older son. We need more information please, who is this kid and why doesn't he have any skillz I know about. Also, we learn that this talented family is actually living in the Flintstone's old house:



Seriously, I can see Barney as the neighbor and Fred/Will stepping out to yell "WILMA/JADE". I guarantee they are not driving cars that are self-propelled where you have to run underneath.

Well Yabba Dabba Doo, folks. Now go make another million dollars...

yankees pray differently

Wow, the south prays alot differently than I was taught in the north.

Stupid Yankees don't know anything. They don't know how to fry catfish or how to cook greens (I would love some fried okra right about now). And apparently they don't know how to properly lead a good prayer. Next time make sure to thank God for your "smokin hot wife" and "GM performance technology" and then to end in something incoherent, "bipti-bopti-bo".

AMEN, halleluiah:



And I'll add one more:

• "And thank you for the case of Busch Light I used to prepare for tonight's prayer…"

You know that the GM Performance Technology is from Detroit, right? D-town baby. Total shit hole, but I love it.

old people in MI rock

1. I love old people
2. I used to live in MI, and man, some of those people are creative
3. I like it when they dress up and carry around depends
4. I can't wait to drive an electronic scooter
5. OMG those choir ladies were waving "hey-ho"
   
6. This just totally made my day: