for my 4th wedding

I like fashion, I really do. But this might over the top. Some bride just had a 2 mile train on her wedding day. Yeah 2 miles, folks. I'm calling dibs on this for my 4th wedding, well maybe 5th:

I don't know what is happening here

 

Let's break it down...

1. Wife in a motorized vehicle
2. Husband riding a horse on wheels
3. Wife with a straw hat
4. Husband with a riding crop / wip

all this = badass!!!

Yeah that is a wicked pic of the day, yo. 

Get off. Like you always do.

I used to have an apartment off this stop:

for those living in office space

I found you a present. Well if you are stuck in a cubical like in Office Space, or if you have a jail cell of an office with no window. The latter is where I work, the former is the life of my sister stuck between McBetty and the big LL.

This new product will give you the feeling as if you aren't suck indoors with no hope of anything beyond your office walls or stand up divider. Enter the Bright Blind. Yes that is right folks, this is a device that attaches to your business and simulates a blinded window. Yeah you can really open up those blind or do anything else with them, but still:



Just think if you hung this on a divider and not even a real wall. That would be great. Stick it administration!

redneck backyard mouse trap

Oh wow. This is nuts.

This people have too much time on their hands. How did they build this? And seriously, I'd be super afraid to go through this and actually do it! This is a human, waterslide, mouse trap game o' fun:

go shorty, what, what

What? What? Let's watch a lizard dancing to Fifty (or half of one dollar):



ANNNddd you're welcome.

I found you some ramen

Yeah well us whoures need to eat too:

Oh and this is also the title of the Chicken Soup series' latest collection of short stories, featuring anecdotes from college campuses nationwide.

let's recap the jubilee

It was a great week to be a British enthusist and I couldn't summarize the events any better then this:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Oh and the beans, THE BEANS:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

I too am excited. So very excited. I laughed my balls off at these videos.

(sorry I'm 4 days late on this business)

Dear Dad,

Happy Father's Day. I just bought this for you:

Annnnd you're welcome.

Love,

LL

what is going on with flavored booze

It's crazy lately. There are soooo many new types of flavored booze out there. Have you been to a bar lately? I spent an entire day over Memorial day weekend with two of my best friends at an Irish pub in Bmore. The owner, who happened to l-o-v-e us, was giving us shots of Jameson and teases of all the weird flavored booze. Let me give you the highlights:

Case and Point #1: Fing Fruit Loops Vodka. Are you kidding me?

 

Just when you thought the vodka companies had tapped into every crazy flavor you thought could or couldn’t be infused, they come through with yet another leaving you scratching your head and wondering “how the hell did they do that”. Three Olives latest flavor should taste VERY familiar to most of us. If the name didn’t give it away, the bright and colorful “O’s” on the label should do the trick. Fruit Loop flavored vodka, who knew? 

 

 

Case and Point #2: Freaking glazed donut vodka

It's like the Simpson but for alcoholics like me! I like it. Wouldn't this just taste like all the other sugars boozes? I mean really.

 

Don't forget about whipped cream, cake, gummy, and Mt. Dew flavored vodkas. Google it and ask your local bartender. For reals.

everywhere I look I see sex

Case and point, this picture of the day:

oh crap BO does call me maybe

Oh let me tell you, I'm all about these BO lip dubs and remixes. It started with that stupid LMFAO song about being sexy (my jam) and has since forged into some Canuck pop songs:



Yeah this song is killing me! In get stuck in your head and just keeps going and going and going. And baseball teams do sexy dances to it and then the Today show and Leno starting dancing too! It's one Canuck crazy thing. Woot woot.

BO, just call him maybe.

bad tan, time to rotate your shoe choice

Apparently my best friends have some on-going shoes issues in their marriage. One of them buys sandals and the other hides them so they can't be worn. I can't help but wonder if that might happen if this happens in the dog walking Crocs:

I never thought it was possible that taking off a pair of Crocs could make someone look worse. Turns out, true story.

MJ ben buttoned into this kid

Woah, America's got talent has had some good new acts this year. There was the badass old lady tell you about sex and now they found Michael Jackson who may have pulled an Benjamin Button back in time to this kid:



Woah, like woah. Way to break it down sugar. I really like this kid. I would put him in my purse. Steal him right up. All that personality and sass. Yes please.

Did you like his closing statement..."it only matter if it comes from your heart" Oh lord. I love you. 

OK I'm taking votes for this kid's next song. Bad? Billie Jean? Remember the Time?

HP for the girls

Heyyyy I just found you a new accessory. It is for the girls. NOOooo not the girls like all of my gender, more like the set of twins your momma gave you. Oh good now we have that clarified.

Well this accessory is for all the girls that are HP fans. Although the movies have finished and there will be no more books, we can all still represent our favorite series via these fashion accessories:

 

Ahhh actually I don't think those are big enough for my girls. Yeah we are going to need like Mr. Magoos sized glasses for the giant that is LL. Just sayin.

I may have wrote this in school

I love smart ass children. Mine are going to be both badass, sassy and pretty fing creative. I swear, I mayyyy have answered one of my test questions like this when I was in elementary school. Well like this or just not answered it while giving you my middle finger. Honestly either choice is equally likely:

Maybe these kids will look back on this and laugh once they're old enough to realize what the hell they were saying. Some kids seem brutally honest, while others just appear to have a tenuous grasp of the English language. Obviously, the latter half are our future politicians.

Good point, well made, little kid. I couldn't agree more.

problem solving skills

We need more critical thinkers in this world. Yep, higher order thinking is important. Take this guy at the airport. He totally knows how to make the most of a real shitty situation by figuring out a way to  charge his phone:




See there's no problem you can't solve if you just use your head. Hands free bitches.

Whoever put the damn outlet 40 feet up the wall does not have any higher order thinking skills. Seriously. Stupid.

epic car dances

Wow, not sure if you heard or not but there is an epic battle of car dancing happening amongst collegiate sports teams. You know, these teammates are trapped in 15-passenger vans drive to and fro for seasonal games. It all started with this car fun by the Harvard Baseball Team:



Then all the parodies begin including the Texasssss State baseball team with bagels and the LSU Tiger girls. The madness continues and now these teams are getting creative. Then the stupid Today Show did a competition with the teams doing it NYC. For more on this check below

ANNNNNNDDDD Leno got on that and did one with the big BO and Mr. R which is pretty funny:



Now I've got that stupid Call Me Maybe song running now-stop in my head. Damn you funny youtube videos:

music of the moment

Been listening to and lovin the new band from Iceland, Of Monsters and Men:



There is alittle Mumford in there with some lovely female undertones. Diggin it yo.

how I live my life

This is true. See my header. How you should live too:

I miss olive garden

I think I might be turning into Kendra with my eternal love of the Olive Garden. I love pasta in general but the real draw here is the salad dressing. I could bath in that stuff. I could drink it straight from the bottle. When I was younger, I remember taking a salad in 3rd grade for lunch and then using a smaller container for my purchased Olive Garden dressing. #WhatALoser #ThirdGradeNerd

Well anyways, you can imagine my excitement whenever I leave the great city of Cville and am able to purchase the salad dressing. I buy truck loads of it and stuff it in all the crevasses of my suitcase. Case and point, my recent vacay to Myrtle Beach. I came home with two bottles and wouldn't share with Nik.

What does it look like when I approach an Olive Garden??? That is a good question. I mayyyy get a little ninja in my excitement. Here's an example:




Everyone knows unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks tastes even better when they don't see you coming. Plus I'm much better at scaling building after a bottle of wine, which works well in an chain Italian restaurant.

casual friday just got alot more fun

I like fashion, always have. And I like to surprise people. And I like to tell you your business. Enter the most perfect casual Friday attire I've ever seen, especially for unapologetic perverts:

Hmmm, is that a cock or your legs? I'm not sure. Stylish no matter how you spin it!

I plan to turn the office into an impromptu bachelorette party with these fashionable-yet-comfortable penis-covered slacks. Let's admit it, times may change but a field of throbbing cocks is a classic look that will never go out of style. Sure it could cause a few minor "issues" with HR or with my bosses, but really there shouldn't be rules for casual friday.

Well it's a real good thing that these come for both men and women alike. And they only cost $50 so in reality it is a steal--a penis covered retail deal!!!! Penis pants for everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone. I'm gonna pull an Oprah and yell/point "you get penis pants" and "you get cock leggings".

Again, you're welcome.

woah, old lady raps your business

I like old people. I've said this for years. I'm gonna be a great old person--knock your socks off, be pitching asses in the nursing home, and still talking like a deranged pirate.  Or perhaps I be this lady:



We all need to learn about family values, how to keep it in your pants. Where else would you want to learn this business if not on a bad reality show by a hot pink pearl wearing Grandma. She might be my new idol. Tell me my business Granny, I like it.

She just said "piss ant pimp" and I loved it. I'm going to use this from now on! Oh and remember sex isn't free yo, west siiiiiide bitches. 

I wonder what she'll be next round. Someone watch for me!

well no shit

This isn't a surprise. I mean for god sake we're in a recession or something. Now go get a job you lazy piece of crap! True statement, this picture of the day:

man candles, you're welcome

So I just read about some new products for all my man friends. I got alot of you out there that I love lots and you are ALL going to be getting the following gifts, courtesy of some pretty fan-fuckin-tastic people at Yankee Candles:

 

OK what the bloody hell is this? I mean what smell is "meat sweats"?!?!?! Other notable new scents include: Riding Mower (clearly cut grass) and First Down (no idea, something with football, maybe leather pigskin?).

Boys don't burn candles. That's a female smelly thing. Or a single old cat lady thing. Yeah, cats and candles, both sad in older woman. Sweaty ball candle, also sad for men. Just say no.

Not sure there is a market here but we'll see how Yankee does. I mean I'd buy one of each just so I could see how bad the smell really was. But this is coming from someone who has 40 reed difusers in her home....

Man candles for everyone!

music of the moment

Eric Hutchinson...yeah you kind of sound like Matt Nathanson....case and point:



Those this song does make me jig a little!

what I'd call my prof

Hahaha, this crack me up. I would totally do this. I'd take Jilly Bean, Helga, and the big B and we'd put together some mission where everyday one of us would accomplish operation "Dr. Hedgehog". Brilliant. Almost as good as "Liberal Farts":

nature's gaterade

Oh lord. This is disturbing to me. Why? Because this might be my drunk, athletic friends or family. I could see my off the grid Uncle doing this in his early days:

Because when you're in the middle of a hard workout, nothing's more refreshing than milk.

worse. dad. ever

Sure, your father played catch and went to your school plays, but he also thought Grey Goose was too expensive for your undeveloped palette. Poppa B taught me all about meat but not so much about what booze infused beverage I could compliment it with.

Sooo let's hand that "World's Best Dad" mug over to this guy:

new corperate slogans

What technology are you addicted to? And really what do you us it for??? Think about it and consider this:

I can think of a few more. Facebook: "We've got you, and we are never going to let you go." Netflix: "What do you mean you don't want to watch Code Mission? It's a straight-to-video release that's just like The Matrix!" 

the place for your next vacay

In these exotic waters, just feel free to express yourself, to let it all go, to be free with your body. Yeah again, you all miiiight need to hire me as all time proofreader for your telemarketing because that whole relaxing reflection isn't working for you:

I keep thinking of my cousins

OK I know my cousins are NOT going to appreciate this, but when I saw this picture I thought of them. My two bro-ed out cousins, in some hipster clothes, with their dog that eats better than I do. We don't need leeshes! Everyone get on my scotttter! We're going for a ride down the road. Varoooom Varooooom!!! What the bloody hell:

thinking about m-day

Well May is fast approaching and I've been thinking about the good old Momma B. I ran across this string of texts messages and felt like it might be something that would happen to me:

Ma OK note to self....if you're going to be expressive over text you need to download the "Not Going To Kill Myself" emoticon. It's a smiley face taking a pair of scissors to a noose and it's adorbs.

fair and balanced

Not this bitch's style:

music of the moment

I love love love this song right now. Total jam. I've been making Nik listen to it for like a month and thank god the video finally came out:



Nice lyrics Drake, you sexy bitch you.

I want to carpool with you

You know the economy is tough these days. People just don't have time to be at home martha faching it up by baking in the kitchen (they still better make me a sandwich though). Well I ran across this picture of the day and thought, damn I wanna carpool with this person:

Damn, why didn't I think of this!

And WAYYYY to take advantage of this heat wave. That is what I call resourceful!

I'm not sure this would work in the plastic pinto. She might just shallow them all up with all her burnt grass-ness.

better coordination than you

I don't like when animals are more talented than me. I'll be even more pissed if a cat is s-m-r-ter than me, but maybe I'm marginally more OK with dogs. I mean check this big d-o-double g:



You know, now that the government's been cracking down on dog fighting, dogs in the hood have had to find new hobbies.

A-mazing.

my next wedding invite

I've got my next 5 weddings already planned out. We are going to stretch them to locations worldwide including a beach and a roller skating rink. Hot times for the big LL.

Anyways, I just ran across the next invitation you'll get from me so that I can truly assess your excitability for joining me in another ceromony:

You can't check "all the above"

I sometimes wish my friends and their insufferable spouses-to-be were considerate enough to give  options this thorough. In fact, most of them could go ahead and delete the first two, and maybe even add a couple of others like, "depends on the food," "as long as there's an open bar," and "thanks but I'd rather jump off of a highway overpass into oncoming traffic."

life in the country

Yeah maybe you shouldn't let your children play outside, this fun game just got more dangerous:

proceed to par-tay

Momma B is a fan of crap, well you know crafty crap. If it makes those red hatters giggle it will probably end up in my house. I can point to numerous examples of this from coiled baskets to redneck wine glasses. Now I'm not complaining but I am surprised that my kitchen isn't full of these masterpieces:

PROCEED to Par-Tay!

If you look carefully you can see the signage of "proceeeed to party". You may not know what this is if 1) you are not a redneck, or 2) don't keep up with pop country music. Good thing you have me for such things. Check out this fun video for your viewing and pop culture pleasure:



Oh yeah you're welcome!

music of the moment

Here is my current jam of the moment. Don't particularly like the crap video but man does this song vibrate through my bones:



This has got to be a club mix. I swear I'd be dancing my balls of to this if I had time for such things anymore :)

hey fattie, go here

Gosh, everyone has been telling me what to do lately...what to eat, when to eat and now I ran across this instruction in the airport:

Let me translate for you:

Attention all heifers, coral yourself to the right and suck it in as you enter the effortless mode of transportation. Anyone who's legs are still the size of their arms can take the damn stairs and get a hot dog at the top. The rest of you fatties merge to the right and continue your obese lifestyle.

Thank god those pictures are gender neutral, this way I feel less bad about my potential in the right side.

Toy R Us does birth control

I think this toy store has inadvertently offered the most excellent family planning advice ever:

I'm pretty sure this little nugget of wisdom from Toys "R" Us was a telemarketing mistake, considering it essentially holds the key to never having to shop at a Toys "R" Us. None the less, this ad offers some sound elephant-like advice for family planning. I mean you don't have to take a pill or worry about any heat of the moment accessories, and YOU SAVE!!!

I mean it worked for Bristol Palin, right?

you aren't special

I really like this bar, they don't sugar coat their drinks or their signage:

Some bars use limited-time cocktails or other gimmicky discounts to get you tossing back cold ones, but this place just breaks your spirit with raw, unflinching truthfulness. There's no phony, light-beer commercial atmosphere in here. Just a bunch of guys who've been chewed up and spit out by a merciless bitch called Life. Build a bridge and get over it yo.

potato chips save the day

Violence is never the answer but shit happens. Crazy people go nuts all the time. But somehow this always happens on public transportation. I mean check this video with two people drop kicking the shit out of each other:



Unlike your average run-of-the-mill internet subway fight video, this one gets broken up in the most nonchalant way possible: By a dude choosing to stand between the combatants and eat potato chips. If all it takes to break up a fight is to stand there and eat chips, then who knows, someday even I might be a hero!

I vote we rename this video to "Man Breaks Up Subway Fight By Fearlessly Eating Potato Chips". Done and doneski.

why the bloody hell didn't I think of this

Why the bloody hell didn't I think of this when in college....



I mean I was ENROLLED in Liberal Arts and realllllly should have drunkenly made this happen. I blame all my a-mazing friends for not being creative and supportive enough.

On a related note, I have horrid spelling but I think I could have mastered this one.

BO is sexy

Well this was bound to happen. I'm surprised the interwebs took this long to make it. But now we officially know that BO is sexy AND he knows it:

I don't want to get too political here…

But Mitt Romney could never pull off animal print pants.

eat my shorts

Hmmmm, I think your shorts might be too small, too tight, and not fit:

I don't know whether to feel bad for her because she can't afford another pair of shorts or to applaud her for simply getting those things on. Either way sexxxy!

found this on my refrig

Nik, what an jhole trying to help me with my diet....freezer burrrrn:

my take on tswift

I like Taylor Swift. I do. She is great, except for all that fake, surprise, OMG I just won another award and I had no idea I'm awesome attitude she has. I mean, yes, she is grateful and all, but I seriously could just have a closed-mouth thank you at this point. Also, not dressing like you are in the era of dust bowls.

Apparently I'm not the only one that has noticed these lovely yet annoying manner in her song and life. Given the ACM's tonight in Vegas, my fav Joel McHale has put together a little parody, which in my opinion is pretty accurately funny:

the best rendition of queen ever

Those crazy canucks! They are nuts and even more so when they are drunk and stuck in the backseat of a cop car. I really want this song as my ringtone. This is well worth 6 minutes of your life:

a new way to charge your i-products

I found a better way for you to charge your iPod or iPhone. Now you don't have to worry about leaving your charger at home or not having enough battery for your favorite tunes when on a long flight. Instead you can just whip out this mask:



Now don't be frightened. We haven't returned to a time of air strikes or gasing, but instead invented some really pretty technology for your Apple devices.

This mayyyyy be the first strike in the machines' eventual overthrow of the human race. I always assumed our gadgets would turn against us in a full scale military assault, but it turns out the revolt will happen quietly, by tricking us into voluntary enslavement. We're already using our own breath, the very thing that keeps us alive, to give them power. What else will they demand of us?

Luckily the safest place to be is America, where the obesity epidemic has put so many of us on respirators that we simply have no oxygen to spare. I may have some after attempting to climb a flight of stairs though. OR this is much more likely:

I need these pants

I really need these pants. I eat EVERYWHERE but a table....the bathroom, my bed, the floor, while driving. It is hot times when you're around the big LL in the arena of food consumption.

Luckily I've now found some capri pants that support my eating lifestyle. These winged pants make for great picnic attire. When sitting they spread out into a make-shift table so that you don't get potato on you, or spill your tacos. And you have to admit they are fashionable:




I also think I could become a flying squirrel if I could also web my arms. I could totally do it!

best t-shirt ever

True statement:

what to bury me in

No one likes talking about their own mortality (except me), but with this bacon-wrapped death box, you'll be salivating over it. What better way to go to your final resting place than in a casket that resembles what was probably your final meal? Plus this quality piece of craftsmanwork will seal out the elements, perfectly preserving your fatally cloggged arteries for weeks to come:

Don't worry their website says this pork flavored box is just under $3000 which is TOTALLY affordable. And I like the company's tagline...."everything should taste like bacon". Couldn't agree more.

we get it you're excited

OK Tim, we understand you got traded (like a wild turkey in the hob--insert Hunger Games reference) and now you're excited. Super excited to be exact. 44 times in one press conference EXCITED that his tebowing efforts are moving to NY.



NY is probably a better place to get laid then Denver anyways.

Downton Abrys

Thanks to my good friend Y, I spent an entire weekend sick on the floor of her Blacksburg house watching Downton Abbey. It's amazing. I'm addicted, which given my Brits obsession is not surprising. Here is a parody which made me laugh:

If you haven't seen the show I doubt you are going to find this remotely funny but I like it. PLUS who doesn't love that one of the top shows out there right now is on PBS. Look thing those elephants didn't shut it down last year and really pull the funding. Bloody well done!

HP going intergalactical

HP Danny was posing for a new mazagine and I can't help but think he is reaching out to a new generation of nerds in this clear attempt at a look-alike:

Coincidence? Maybe he actually posing as Data’s twin brother Lore and he’s stolen Data’s uniform???

my family posted this...

....in our kitchen growing up. True story.

wheel placement is critical

Those crazy cannucks! They really need some additional proofreaders and telemarkerting officials. I mean check out these wheels:

Maybe her campaign team should go back to the drawing board, or at least back to the "let's not make any parts of the bus look like big rubber tits" board. This could have been extremely embarrassing for the candidate, but luckily it happened in Canada, so everyone's being obnoxiously polite about it.

Wowsa!

make your own tweets

I found another new website, but this one allows you to make your own celebrity tweets that you always wanted to see. Have you been begging for a Twitter shout-out from your favorite famous person, but they're too busy making terrible music, movies, or television to heed your pathetic cries for attention? Well now you can! Make fake (but dangerously convincing) tweet from LET ME TWEET THAT FOR YOU, a tweet template and bad-idea-waiting-to-happen that puts every celebrity Twitter account at your michievous fingertips. Here are some of my favorites:

This is bringing me back to PPTK at Christmas....oh D!

See Rush just needs a HUG :)

one tiny hand

I'm found this new site which makes me giggle. How do people come up with this shit? High and drunk I bet. No doubt about that.

Well this site is pictures were one hand is tiny. This is some good graphic manipulation that makes you go "huh?" Here is a preview to think about all day today:

only in MN

I really love MN. My heart is there, although maybe covered in ice due to the frozen tundra like winters. The men there are tall, they are sexy, and they eat alot of butter and mayo. Apparently they also have good senses of humor when fighting fires in drag.

Here’s a group of volunteer firefighters from Sauk Centre, Minnesota who jumped into action while wearing dresses as part of a charity fundraiser during their St. Patrick’s Day parade. It’s kind of like Mrs. Doubtfire meets Backdraft. These drag-wearing fellas do not, in fact, like it hot:

who is mitt?

working staches

I ran into this article that takes moustaches into eyebrows with 16 of our favorite celebrities. Truthfully I really don't like Angelina with Brad's staches. Does absolutely nothing for me.

Check Tom, that sexy moustache playin tricks on me eyes:

headline of the day

I assume this suggestive headline was an accident, much like having an overweight rock star's illegitimate love child. Either way, I really don't want to know what Meat Loaf does with his meat loaf. Now that a good unintentional dirty headline. I like it.

Sonic has the most patient employees

I have never worked in the fast food industry. I wouldn't have minded before this whole career path thing I got going on. It would have been one of those experiences that shape you, you know in never wanting to eat fried food again because you can still smell it in your clothes (this is my worry about being a barista and not liking coffee again).

Well anyways, you gotta give it up to those employees for having to deal with all us bitchy people who just want cheap, quick food. I mean take this Sonic employee who is losing minutes of her life while this songwriter sings his order. I'd like like "DICK, what do you want?" and I'm gonna spit in your food:



Remember when "coning" became the new planking in those viral social trends. Well the fast food employees had to keep making new ice cream cones for all those asshats jholes too!!! Damn people, give these folks a break...Here is an example of coning:



Those poor, patient employees....

I found a toddler better than you

I think this toddler is the new Forrest Gump of ping pong. He is much better than you and only marginally better than me when I have a pint of beer to balance me in my other hand. I really miss playing ping pong and maybe I need to join a gym where I can play this....then when I have children they can do this:



Last time you sat on a ping pong table it broke and you bruised your tailbone and you had to sit on one of those embarrassing donut pillows for weeks. Remember that, fatass?

Oh wait maybe I'm thinking about sex on pool tables....

I just found 2 dogs I want

Well I would have a real problem if these were cats because I just want it, if only for the story telling and possibly for extended laughter:

OR the furry version:

I mean I can't even make this shit up!

I'll take one of both please and thank you.