bad tan, time to rotate your shoe choice

Apparently my best friends have some on-going shoes issues in their marriage. One of them buys sandals and the other hides them so they can't be worn. I can't help but wonder if that might happen if this happens in the dog walking Crocs:

I never thought it was possible that taking off a pair of Crocs could make someone look worse. Turns out, true story.

thinking about social media

My friend T told me recently that she feels like she is falling behind in the social media movement. I asked how she knew and she said when she reads website there are about 25 new icons at the bottom of posts or entries where you can do something with it. Yeah I guess that is true, but I never thought about it that way.

So maybe we need some education on what is what and what they do. Perhaps a metaphor would work best so that it is in layman terms. Enter the donut example, because you doesn't want a donut right now:

LLSpot, donuts look like ....

forget online dating

My best friends and I used to take road trips every year. D/T/C would get into a car and drive to neighboring states in order to drink lots of beer. We would stay with friends and attend beer festivals for extended weekend o' fun (where on such trips we would learn that anything that has "o' ___" in the title freaks me out alittle).

These were the good spontaneous times, where we would wander around the great city of Raleigh, which I still cannot properly pronounce (shocker). During these nighttime wanderings we'd step into basement bars to get picked up by drunk lesbian arm wrestlers, or hang out on a rooftop bar social inter-coursing with bartenders about how to make cilantro infused martinis.

On these trips, we also learned the international signal for "muddling" or jerking off, AND discussed the plethora of signage we would pass that encouraged local dating throughout the countryside. D thought I should call these local numbers for a good time. But for reals, who wants to date some hillbilly in northern North Carolina??? RAISE YOUR HAND!

Although I was not on board with those dating signage, however I am completely enthusiastic about this roadside telemarketing campaign for sex:

And don't call you bitches, I only accept some s/texting (you know sexy texting). I mean why even waste your time on dating, let's just get right to business and offer up the fast swimmers. This guy is clearly not shooting blanks. Quick, someone google where the area code "512" is!?!?!? Let me know if this is a possibility because I'm allll over it.

Wow, way to put it right out there. And wow, way to use different colors markers whilst making your signage, that is pretty impressive. No beating around the bush either in the message, not buying dinner or drinks. Just some straight up, get-you-knocked-up telemarketing whilst on the drive home. I like it.

that's my girl

Sooo we all presented at CRC here in town a couple weeks ago and I just found this video where you can play a where's waldo of my girl T. I spy her at least twice. That's right, tell them their business. Get on with your bad, education-teaching self....you sexy bitch:

the epic beach trip review

(reminder: JB empty your bladder before reading!)
(note: click images for larger view)

Last fall in Texasssss, we started planning the next girls week/end fall trip away and 365+ days later we got some stories.....

As I mentioned previously, the fall vacation week began with a little Marine marathon in DC. Shortly after we got JB iced down and feed, we strapped her and her 75 pound suitcase to the plastic pinto for our drive south to the OBX of NC. This road trip was reminiscent of those drunken college trips through MN in that amazing burnt grass colored plastic beast--still running on fumes! For 7 days, we rented a beach house and had an amazing 4-some of fun and relaxation:



So the drive was pretty eventful and started the week off in typical LL fashion. We stopped for gas outside of Richmond and to buy chocolate milk (what are we 12?). I was pre-occupied with JB not being able to walk that I forgot to take out the gas hose from my car, and we pulled away.....can you guess it?....we heard a pop, a thud? a crunch? OK, we heard a noise which made me stop and apparently give Helga a face of honest surprise (which she claims she has never genuinely seen on my face) as I glanced in my side mirror. That's right, I drove away with the hose in my car, ripping it out of the pump/station. What happened next resulted in these one-liners and amazing after photo:

• To the attendant: "We mayyyy have had a mishap on pump 7"
• An LL reflection: "There is a procedure here, and I missed a very important step"
  

Once we got to the beach house we basked in the glory of 4 stories, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms (including the tree house toilet on the 4 1/2 floor), and 4 patios (which were later coined for certain activities that occurred frequently on them). The houses in OBX are all huge and amazing. Our landlord's name was Han and we had to call him a number of times throughout the week (one of which was NOT because of the humping on the pool table). Long story short, we started calling him "Hanzy-boy" and him and I may or may not have had an affair (or at least a good reach around). As I mentioned before, our normal routine consisted of sleeping in, drinking coffee, watching SITC or Top Model, and leaving the house by 2 PM for an activity.

Typical vacation activities included daily trips to the beach, which was often difficult considering we would freeze our balls off. Despite the cold, the wet, the cloudy, we had some beach fun.....and beach fun is not beach fun without: yoga, sand art (which mayyyy be dirty), and humping:



Helga had her large heart set on going shelling on every damn beach in NC, so we took some road trips. We got crabs at Dicks, got honked at by construction workers, rode in a helicopter (the black hawk down moves were great until JB almost puked), and we saw some lighthouses. On these daily adventures, we also answered the age old question: Can white girls jump? Two-parter....can a group of white girls jump? Turns out, Helga is the only one who can really get some air:



One important theme that kept cropping up was those damn AT&T commercials--more bars in more places. Case and point, the middle picture of us jumping and many of the 4-some pictures above. Or maybe it is just because I'm a giant? Guess that is a valid hypothesis as well.

Speaking of lighthouses, we had to do some of the classic LL phallic statue/monument photos. Over the years, I've held it up with my butt, with fingers, and with both a bootie and hands. Now we were able to apply the same principles to a lighthouse:



So after our outings, we typically relaxed around the kick ass beach house. We had a hot tub and a heated pool, which we were in every single day despite the tundra-ish temperatures. At our house we also did some cooking and alot of drinking. Of these attempts were those damn pumpkin/butterscotch cookies. We ate the entire batch in 2 hours, and shared them romantically:



Don't laugh or it will shoot powdered sugar! Don't breath or you'll inhale powdered sugar! Well this picture accurately reminds me of the Lady and the Tramp famous scene. Can you guess which one is the tramp??? Just kidding :)

Of course a girls week away would not be complete without some dance parties and bar stories. Don't worry, we had DJ Bruce to spin our favorite jams, including when I toot it, smoot it, poot it, and then boot it. I'm not posting any more photos from the dance parties because T is sweating balls, JB is with boys in a dark corner, Helga is breaking beer bottles, and some black dude is on the girls.

I was so thankful and grateful to have all my best friends on vacation. These are the people I love, that get me, and that have been there throughout all the good and bad times. It was amazing to have all my loved ones in one single place. TY. Here are the final highlights:

• We made friends with all the locals at all the bars. Luckily we picked the right bars and were able to witness a real bar brawl. Here's what went down: 1) I buy Helga a beer, 2) Some big black dude start pounding on another dude, 3) Helga's bottle goes flying and shatters, 4) Some short dude tries to rescue her and place himself in front, 5) Lights on, party over, where's Jilly Bean?
• During two nights out and two different bars, JB would clear the space, run towards the bouncer, and then jump into his arms straddling him. He, luckily for the rest of us, was smart enough to make sure she cleared the ceiling and door frame before allowing the jumps.
• We had 3 gigantic bowls of fruit on the counter make me insanely happy.
  
• Learning my ABCs in the heated pool because JB dropped the phone book in the water. I kept pulling out letters and addresses...."I got the P's!!!"
• We also learned about our vowels (oooo, aaaa, eeee) while making JB listen to this amazing hipster music. Reminded Helga and I of when I rent boxy cars and ask "did he just say lasso?"
  
• Burrs were everywhere! I think the pickers are still in my feet.
  
• There was so much classic rock and 80's music in my life that week that I am truly set for the rest of the year. We saw a live cover band, but I can't dance to 80's rock unless it is this song. JB, on the other hand, runs around the dance floor with moves I would venture to guess are not considered dancing either.
• Dollar Store runs to replace damaged goods in the beach house....when plastic bowls melt on the stovetop and when beach balls attack wine glasses by the pool!
  
• I also ate enough sweets to last me a year. I've never had so many cookies, and ice cream, and short cake, and key lime pie, and more cookies in my life.
• Do we need another salt-water-taffy run?
  
• We were amazing beach bums layered with 4 sweatshirts, which we coined hobo chic.
• JB got her one floor in the beach house to herself for her "male visitors/boyfriends" and because she has some major post-race gas. Agreed, that place needed an elevator!
  
• JB and I swam in the 40 degree ocean and reenacted some Baywatch scenes with our lifeguard wakeboards.
• We witnessed amazing sunrises and sets.
• OBX ghetto pedis suck my balls....or the sand ruins pedis.
• Beach ball and noodle creative contests in the heated pool....human whirlpool?
• JB has a flashlight that straps around her head, which she would use to find the hot tub in the dark while in a bikini--I'll admit, that thing came in handy more than once!
  

What else am I missing? That was the best $200 for a week beach house I've ever spent!

Till next year bitches!!!!

highlights of my day

• First pumpkin spiced latte of the season. Absolute heaven.
• Love notes on the plastic pinto at work. Hump, hump, hump.
• Getting bootie slapped randomly at the gym (OK, OK it was someone I knew but at first with was slap'n go which I thoroughly enjoyed).
  
• Roasting a chicken in the crock pot (poppa b would be so proud that I got it for 99 cents a pound, and paid attention to this). More evidence fall is here....LL crockpot creations and soups.
• I started downloading the 4 gigs of music and 100 gigs of videos I "borrowed" from T/D/C2 on Sunday. Bring on all the True Blood seasons, since I can't do hardcopy or audio books.
• Visiting 2 of my favorite local preschools and making a teacher almost cry with appreciation of our work. Joy.
  
• Picked up my new glasses! The new sun glasses = slight Olsen twins tendency. I got a new prescription where I can see again, makes driving less fun without the bluryness though.
• Getting a gift of homemade granola from a colleague that had MI dried cherries in it! Holla for MI products.
• Spending my lunch hour talking to Momma B now that she is retired with nothing but sewing to do.
• I think I took 2-3 major poops today, which is 2-3 more than Helga has in the last 5 days. Happiness.
  

a laundry experiment

So I've been conducting a laundry experiment which apparently is now entering into my 5th week. Whilst on the phone with my lovely Helga tonight, I realized that I haven't been in the office for 5 days straight going on approximately 5 weeks (and going to be out for 3 days next week!). And with all the traveling I haven't had the time nor energy to do my laundry. We have now entered "the pile of dirty laundry is as tall as your already full laundry basket" status.

I started speculating how much longer I could go without committing the ultimate clothing cleansing. Remember I'm a clothes whoure. Well I pale in comparison to T and still have wayyyy more than A, but really it all relevant to the size of your closet. For example, now that I have this VA bigger apartment, compared to the studio shithole in WA, I can have more articles of clothing. Case and point, the overflowing 12 drawers and 3 rod walk in closet in my bedroom.

So perhaps I will just continue this laundry experiment until I run out of fundies (aka fun undies/underwear). Want to take bets on how long it will last??? Remember, I'm not opposed to going commando....so you may need to consider that in your calculations. I do believe the last act was committed on August 14th. I wonder if I could make it to October....

PS, anyone remember when I used to do these types of impromptu experiments with cleanliness in college??? My sister sent me shampoo (and booze for that matter) in the mail (when it was legal) because I was too cheap to shower!!! I'm so special.

beer for everyone

So I mentioned last week that we were all headed out to the first annual Cville Beer Fest last weekend. We came, we saw, we drank....I was starting to lose my enthusiasm when I found everyone I know was going to be there, including many people I would rather not hang out with sociably. But fortunately there were soooo many people there and so much beer to be drunk that I really didn't end up having a problem with this. A tip of my small cheap plastic mug to you all:



Luckily, the weather was amazing perfect, not too hot and not too cold--just perfect for a light fall jacket (can you name the movie line?). Luckily for us Luppies, it was all under a gigantic tent so there was no sun exposure. Good thing I came prepared with layers of white beaters and cover-ups. Yes and yes. Good times were had by all, including 4 cases of free paint bottle for future home brewing.



Ahhh, you sexy bitches!

I have the best friends

I seriously have the best friends in the world. They are truly the most amazing people ever. In a show of solidarity against Lupus, my friends have decided to run a marathon in my honor. They are raising money to run 26 million miles with a bunch of hot Marines. That is truly amazing for a number of reasons:

1. Anything over 3 miles is like a marathon to me. What? You are running a 5K, yep sounds like a marathon/triathlon to me.
   
2. I only run downhill, occasionally on level ground, and NEVER uphill.
   
3. I only run when being chased....no, no, no, I only run when being chased and NOT wanting to be caught.
   

So I do like myself a good parade or running event. I like events where people are putting their hearts into training and/or waving from a gigantic raspberry float. I get a little too excited and tend to shout inappropriate things like:

• "Pull it out!"
• "You can do it!" (and that is only now dirty because of Rob S.)
  
• "I love raspberries!"
  

So a tip of my hat to my Jilly Bean and Brian.....and perhaps Helga and T who may be convinced to run parts of it along side of them. I, on the other hand, will be fully clothed cheering from the sidelines with my mug'o'coffee with a little Bailey's creamer. Here's hoping that big ball of death in the sky stays hidden and you run like Forrest Gump....

Apparently there are other Lupie supporters running during this marathon too, so LFA is going to highlight them in the next foundation newsletter. Bitchin, huh?

shoes are women's weakness

Sooo we all know that "shoes are women's one major weakness" and that most men don't understand this. I was listening to a good friend today describe how the only scary thing related to the big couple move in is the shoes. M, have you not ever seen SITC? Where men are disposable and shoes stay in rooms of their own. Let's ask D about this as well, I'm sure he could comment on the entire room that is devoted to his wife's clothing and shoes (love you T).

Well anyways, I read today that on average women are spending over $24,000 a lifetime on shoes. HOLY balls, that is alot of money! I know teachers who don't even make that much a year. I guess there are lots of different types of shoes the average women has...heels, boots, boots/heels, flippy floppies (yes, please!), tennis shoes, pumps, dress flats....and the list continues. And I would like to point out, because I've learned this the hard way, that shoes for one occasion are not always acceptable for other occasions. Plus, most women's shoes are not cheap either. Case and point these new shoes:

The architecturally demanding shoe:

The 2010 update to wooden Dutch-ish shoe:

Don't worry, each of these will cost you an arm and a leg, plus your partner's leg as well. I'm sure it will be worth it though when we are all broke but have amazing footwear!

something in happening in my world this week

Something odd is happening in the world of LL this week. I'm not sure I can put my finger on it yet but here are some of the weird things occurring:

• Thursday night a 10 minute tornado/tsunami/wind storm hit Cville which brought down trees and reaped havoc all across the city. I almost was blown off my feet whilst running to my car, which is not an easy thing to do since I'm a giant.
  
• Why are VA-ians such bad drivers??? Do you people not know to make all stop lights 4-way stops when the power is out??? Seriously. You all are dangerous drivers too when you yield on the acceleration ramps and don't let others in.
• Hank-abeth has lime disease. Ticks. Gross. Poor guy.
• The other night I got to T/D/C2's house, popped a bottle, poured a pint, took a sip, and realized that wasn't wheat/wit beer....it was wine. Great, now I have a pint of white wine. Alcoholic.
  
• After the conference, I got into my office on TH morning to what felt like a sauna. Turns out the AC broke, tripped the heater, and all day it was about 90 degrees. Seriously, it was hotter than balls in that office.
  
• On Wednesday I got an call that there was an earth quake in MI....but apparently most people couldn't feel it since it centered in Cananananada. I could fart and probably create more movement than the state of MI probably felt. Why is it during earth quakes that everyone blames the fat guy?
• No power in cvile = no work on Friday! Yes, please.
• I was surrounded by too many nice of people at my DC B&B, who I secretly wanted to punch in the face for their smiles and nice questions and "friendly" stares. I'm turning into an antisocial American.
  

TY again

OK I have about 40 billion posts loaded up and I'm trying to squeeze out any ounce of creative juices I might have left. First and foremost I owe a major TY to all my friends and family who made me celebrate my birthday a couple weeks ago, despite my constant bitching, nagging, and complaining. It is less about birthdays and more about how I hate being for the focus on attention. I do things for others, and rarely, rarely allow others to do things for me. BUT despite this, I had a great time:


Jilly Bean showed up (and that experience deserves it's own posting or two), and T threw an amazing party. There were banners, and party hats, and balloon animals, and dirrty balloon shapes, and lychee nut vodka, and amazing bbqed brisket. I do have officially say that Dan got the award for best balloon animal...who knew that guy was secretly a circus clown in a previous life. He could make dogs and dirty things alike, and I liked it:

I believe my sisters would say this is my "WTF, and about to kill (eat) you" look, but in reality I was just hoping no one would take my picture. Notice though I was being a trooper wearing the big birthday girl party hat, and had a gigantic penis sticking out of it. Yep, yes please.

All my friends showed up (missed you D), the dogs behaved, and the weather made for some more amazing stories. About 40 minutes before party time there was a gigantic Tsunami in Cville. I'm not joking, Jilly Bean and I were going about 25 on the highway with the plastic pinto's wipers going full speed. There were backhoes (hahaha) and big construction equipment that had to come out to clear off the debris from the road. I decided, being a good neighbor, to run out into the river that was T-D's road to get there trash cans which were floating down to the waste water treatment plant. While in the river of a road with muddy water up to my knees and an umbrella in my hand, with Jilly Bean yelling over the thunder from the door, a cop car drove by and literally splashed an entire wave of water over my head. It looked a little like this but with lots lots more water:



After this, I was standing soaked to the bone on T's porch half naked, wringing out my clothes. Stupid cop couldn't have slowed down or, you know, moved over in the road. Ahhh good times. Luckily, I didn't get struck by lighting, otherwise THAT would have be a even better story. But the night ended with all my drunk friends watching these amazing videos. Weiners for everyone.

Thanks again everyone!!! xoxoxox