What's your sign? (minus 1 month)

Sooo I was having a thrilling conversation the other day about Zodiac signs. I didn't know what sign I was---a turtle, a dove, a rattlesnack---turns out I'm a unicorn! Actually, the truth (with some cheese on it) is I still don't remember what I am. BUT I did learn that I was connected with Helga sexually. Yep, we should just be dating each other!!! Like we didn't know that for the last 10+ years.

Well anyways, you can understand why I was unhappy when I read that the zodiac signs may be changing. Apparently the earth's wobble (weeble?) has created a 1 month bump from when you were born. CRAP!!! That just throws off my entire world. Now I'm a donkey....I knew it. Probably an orange one, that humps things.....all because of the cosmic weeble that sets us all back a month.

This begs the question, is the world wobbling??? Are we no longer on an axis? Does this have anything to do with the fact that 49 our of 50 states had snow on the ground this week? Or perhaps it is all the birds and fishs dying?

In other related news:

• I'm actually only 5'5
• Jesus (my homeboy) could part water and then turn into vodka