HP for the girls

Heyyyy I just found you a new accessory. It is for the girls. NOOooo not the girls like all of my gender, more like the set of twins your momma gave you. Oh good now we have that clarified.

Well this accessory is for all the girls that are HP fans. Although the movies have finished and there will be no more books, we can all still represent our favorite series via these fashion accessories:

 

Ahhh actually I don't think those are big enough for my girls. Yeah we are going to need like Mr. Magoos sized glasses for the giant that is LL. Just sayin.

I may have wrote this in school

I love smart ass children. Mine are going to be both badass, sassy and pretty fing creative. I swear, I mayyyy have answered one of my test questions like this when I was in elementary school. Well like this or just not answered it while giving you my middle finger. Honestly either choice is equally likely:

Maybe these kids will look back on this and laugh once they're old enough to realize what the hell they were saying. Some kids seem brutally honest, while others just appear to have a tenuous grasp of the English language. Obviously, the latter half are our future politicians.

Good point, well made, little kid. I couldn't agree more.

problem solving skills

We need more critical thinkers in this world. Yep, higher order thinking is important. Take this guy at the airport. He totally knows how to make the most of a real shitty situation by figuring out a way to  charge his phone:




See there's no problem you can't solve if you just use your head. Hands free bitches.

Whoever put the damn outlet 40 feet up the wall does not have any higher order thinking skills. Seriously. Stupid.

epic car dances

Wow, not sure if you heard or not but there is an epic battle of car dancing happening amongst collegiate sports teams. You know, these teammates are trapped in 15-passenger vans drive to and fro for seasonal games. It all started with this car fun by the Harvard Baseball Team:



Then all the parodies begin including the Texasssss State baseball team with bagels and the LSU Tiger girls. The madness continues and now these teams are getting creative. Then the stupid Today Show did a competition with the teams doing it NYC. For more on this check below

ANNNNNNDDDD Leno got on that and did one with the big BO and Mr. R which is pretty funny:



Now I've got that stupid Call Me Maybe song running now-stop in my head. Damn you funny youtube videos:

music of the moment

Been listening to and lovin the new band from Iceland, Of Monsters and Men:



There is alittle Mumford in there with some lovely female undertones. Diggin it yo.

how I live my life

This is true. See my header. How you should live too:

I miss olive garden

I think I might be turning into Kendra with my eternal love of the Olive Garden. I love pasta in general but the real draw here is the salad dressing. I could bath in that stuff. I could drink it straight from the bottle. When I was younger, I remember taking a salad in 3rd grade for lunch and then using a smaller container for my purchased Olive Garden dressing. #WhatALoser #ThirdGradeNerd

Well anyways, you can imagine my excitement whenever I leave the great city of Cville and am able to purchase the salad dressing. I buy truck loads of it and stuff it in all the crevasses of my suitcase. Case and point, my recent vacay to Myrtle Beach. I came home with two bottles and wouldn't share with Nik.

What does it look like when I approach an Olive Garden??? That is a good question. I mayyyy get a little ninja in my excitement. Here's an example:




Everyone knows unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks tastes even better when they don't see you coming. Plus I'm much better at scaling building after a bottle of wine, which works well in an chain Italian restaurant.

casual friday just got alot more fun

I like fashion, always have. And I like to surprise people. And I like to tell you your business. Enter the most perfect casual Friday attire I've ever seen, especially for unapologetic perverts:

Hmmm, is that a cock or your legs? I'm not sure. Stylish no matter how you spin it!

I plan to turn the office into an impromptu bachelorette party with these fashionable-yet-comfortable penis-covered slacks. Let's admit it, times may change but a field of throbbing cocks is a classic look that will never go out of style. Sure it could cause a few minor "issues" with HR or with my bosses, but really there shouldn't be rules for casual friday.

Well it's a real good thing that these come for both men and women alike. And they only cost $50 so in reality it is a steal--a penis covered retail deal!!!! Penis pants for everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone. I'm gonna pull an Oprah and yell/point "you get penis pants" and "you get cock leggings".

Again, you're welcome.

woah, old lady raps your business

I like old people. I've said this for years. I'm gonna be a great old person--knock your socks off, be pitching asses in the nursing home, and still talking like a deranged pirate.  Or perhaps I be this lady:



We all need to learn about family values, how to keep it in your pants. Where else would you want to learn this business if not on a bad reality show by a hot pink pearl wearing Grandma. She might be my new idol. Tell me my business Granny, I like it.

She just said "piss ant pimp" and I loved it. I'm going to use this from now on! Oh and remember sex isn't free yo, west siiiiiide bitches. 

I wonder what she'll be next round. Someone watch for me!

well no shit

This isn't a surprise. I mean for god sake we're in a recession or something. Now go get a job you lazy piece of crap! True statement, this picture of the day:

man candles, you're welcome

So I just read about some new products for all my man friends. I got alot of you out there that I love lots and you are ALL going to be getting the following gifts, courtesy of some pretty fan-fuckin-tastic people at Yankee Candles:

 

OK what the bloody hell is this? I mean what smell is "meat sweats"?!?!?! Other notable new scents include: Riding Mower (clearly cut grass) and First Down (no idea, something with football, maybe leather pigskin?).

Boys don't burn candles. That's a female smelly thing. Or a single old cat lady thing. Yeah, cats and candles, both sad in older woman. Sweaty ball candle, also sad for men. Just say no.

Not sure there is a market here but we'll see how Yankee does. I mean I'd buy one of each just so I could see how bad the smell really was. But this is coming from someone who has 40 reed difusers in her home....

Man candles for everyone!

music of the moment

Eric Hutchinson...yeah you kind of sound like Matt Nathanson....case and point:



Those this song does make me jig a little!

what I'd call my prof

Hahaha, this crack me up. I would totally do this. I'd take Jilly Bean, Helga, and the big B and we'd put together some mission where everyday one of us would accomplish operation "Dr. Hedgehog". Brilliant. Almost as good as "Liberal Farts":

nature's gaterade

Oh lord. This is disturbing to me. Why? Because this might be my drunk, athletic friends or family. I could see my off the grid Uncle doing this in his early days:

Because when you're in the middle of a hard workout, nothing's more refreshing than milk.

worse. dad. ever

Sure, your father played catch and went to your school plays, but he also thought Grey Goose was too expensive for your undeveloped palette. Poppa B taught me all about meat but not so much about what booze infused beverage I could compliment it with.

Sooo let's hand that "World's Best Dad" mug over to this guy:

new corperate slogans

What technology are you addicted to? And really what do you us it for??? Think about it and consider this:

I can think of a few more. Facebook: "We've got you, and we are never going to let you go." Netflix: "What do you mean you don't want to watch Code Mission? It's a straight-to-video release that's just like The Matrix!" 

the place for your next vacay

In these exotic waters, just feel free to express yourself, to let it all go, to be free with your body. Yeah again, you all miiiight need to hire me as all time proofreader for your telemarketing because that whole relaxing reflection isn't working for you:

I keep thinking of my cousins

OK I know my cousins are NOT going to appreciate this, but when I saw this picture I thought of them. My two bro-ed out cousins, in some hipster clothes, with their dog that eats better than I do. We don't need leeshes! Everyone get on my scotttter! We're going for a ride down the road. Varoooom Varooooom!!! What the bloody hell:

thinking about m-day

Well May is fast approaching and I've been thinking about the good old Momma B. I ran across this string of texts messages and felt like it might be something that would happen to me:

Ma OK note to self....if you're going to be expressive over text you need to download the "Not Going To Kill Myself" emoticon. It's a smiley face taking a pair of scissors to a noose and it's adorbs.

fair and balanced

Not this bitch's style:

music of the moment

I love love love this song right now. Total jam. I've been making Nik listen to it for like a month and thank god the video finally came out:



Nice lyrics Drake, you sexy bitch you.

I want to carpool with you

You know the economy is tough these days. People just don't have time to be at home martha faching it up by baking in the kitchen (they still better make me a sandwich though). Well I ran across this picture of the day and thought, damn I wanna carpool with this person:

Damn, why didn't I think of this!

And WAYYYY to take advantage of this heat wave. That is what I call resourceful!

I'm not sure this would work in the plastic pinto. She might just shallow them all up with all her burnt grass-ness.

better coordination than you

I don't like when animals are more talented than me. I'll be even more pissed if a cat is s-m-r-ter than me, but maybe I'm marginally more OK with dogs. I mean check this big d-o-double g:



You know, now that the government's been cracking down on dog fighting, dogs in the hood have had to find new hobbies.

A-mazing.

my next wedding invite

I've got my next 5 weddings already planned out. We are going to stretch them to locations worldwide including a beach and a roller skating rink. Hot times for the big LL.

Anyways, I just ran across the next invitation you'll get from me so that I can truly assess your excitability for joining me in another ceromony:

You can't check "all the above"

I sometimes wish my friends and their insufferable spouses-to-be were considerate enough to give  options this thorough. In fact, most of them could go ahead and delete the first two, and maybe even add a couple of others like, "depends on the food," "as long as there's an open bar," and "thanks but I'd rather jump off of a highway overpass into oncoming traffic."

life in the country

Yeah maybe you shouldn't let your children play outside, this fun game just got more dangerous:

proceed to par-tay

Momma B is a fan of crap, well you know crafty crap. If it makes those red hatters giggle it will probably end up in my house. I can point to numerous examples of this from coiled baskets to redneck wine glasses. Now I'm not complaining but I am surprised that my kitchen isn't full of these masterpieces:

PROCEED to Par-Tay!

If you look carefully you can see the signage of "proceeeed to party". You may not know what this is if 1) you are not a redneck, or 2) don't keep up with pop country music. Good thing you have me for such things. Check out this fun video for your viewing and pop culture pleasure:



Oh yeah you're welcome!

music of the moment

Here is my current jam of the moment. Don't particularly like the crap video but man does this song vibrate through my bones:



This has got to be a club mix. I swear I'd be dancing my balls of to this if I had time for such things anymore :)

hey fattie, go here

Gosh, everyone has been telling me what to do lately...what to eat, when to eat and now I ran across this instruction in the airport:

Let me translate for you:

Attention all heifers, coral yourself to the right and suck it in as you enter the effortless mode of transportation. Anyone who's legs are still the size of their arms can take the damn stairs and get a hot dog at the top. The rest of you fatties merge to the right and continue your obese lifestyle.

Thank god those pictures are gender neutral, this way I feel less bad about my potential in the right side.

Toy R Us does birth control

I think this toy store has inadvertently offered the most excellent family planning advice ever:

I'm pretty sure this little nugget of wisdom from Toys "R" Us was a telemarketing mistake, considering it essentially holds the key to never having to shop at a Toys "R" Us. None the less, this ad offers some sound elephant-like advice for family planning. I mean you don't have to take a pill or worry about any heat of the moment accessories, and YOU SAVE!!!

I mean it worked for Bristol Palin, right?

you aren't special

I really like this bar, they don't sugar coat their drinks or their signage:

Some bars use limited-time cocktails or other gimmicky discounts to get you tossing back cold ones, but this place just breaks your spirit with raw, unflinching truthfulness. There's no phony, light-beer commercial atmosphere in here. Just a bunch of guys who've been chewed up and spit out by a merciless bitch called Life. Build a bridge and get over it yo.