I need a hashbrown intervention

Let's picture it....it is Sunday morning and I'm sitting on my kitchen floor in my bath robe with my fourth cup of coffee (to numb the pain) while eating a soggy, burnt plate of hashbrowns doused in ketchup. I thought I'd treat myself to a big phattie (yeah, with a "ph" bitches) breakfast, but instead ended up with a plate of stupid mush bullshit that didn't work.

Last weekend I made Brian and I breakfast, which made me realize that I can't cook hashbrowns to save my life. This weekend I tried and failed again. If I cube the damn potato then it works fine but if I grate the potato, it all goes to shit. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I keep trying various iterations only to end up on my effing kitchen floor with a mess. Back in the day, I learned from an MSU cook that a good hashbrown should only be flipped once so you brown each side, BUT feck if it works for me!

(anyone remember those hashbrowns at Al's Breakfast in Dinkeytown USA??? I always had to take a massive #2 after those fabulous masterpeices)

I try it with oil, with water, with a lid, without a lid, on high heat, on low heat, with non-stick spray, and without spray. The stupid effer just turns into mush, then when I try to selvage it, I burn the shit out of it. I need a hashbrown intervention, someone help me, PLEASE!!! I don't know if I'll make it through another weekend....this goes to the creditability of the LL B&B....

I don't think there has ever been something I couldn't figure out how to cook.....I even mastered a good omelet. Frustrating.