an open letter requesting fall

Dear mother nature,

I know you are busy being all motherly and organic and naturally, but I'm done with summer. Bring on fall. I'm ready for cooler weather, for less sun, for changing leaves, and for football season. More reason to end the summer: my garden was a big flop that only produced 1 cucumber and a couple strawberries which basically turned into hummingbird food.

I had to lock myself in my apartment this weekend and turn into Martha Facher so to keep myself out of trouble. I came, I baked, I cooked. I'm tried of hiding indoors and being so freaking mcsweaty when outside. The days are getting shorter and I'm totally OK with it. So please mother nature, can the big VA just get a little colder, please?

I promise to keep hump/ugging trees and recycling if you will just bring on the fall....

Eternally yours,
LL

I'll pepper spray the shit out of you too

For years now I've been threatening the critters around my house to "BACK AWAY" with a can of pepper spray (no no PETA people, I don't really pepper spray things but I do try to run things over with the plastic pinto. It all started with those damn cats taking a shit on my patio and patio furniture. It turned really bad when I sat in the cat shit and then tried to blame Helga for farting....

Next came George my neighborly ground hog/beaver/gopher who is really too scared to stay around long enough for me to pepper spray him. Actually I like George. BUT I've also had experience with foxes and other critters that eat my veggies. I feel like I might be turning in to a kranky old lady angerly waving a rolling pin above my head...

Recently I invested in some strawberries and have been growing them. I noticed last week that something was eating them, so I jumped on that business and starting bug spraying them. But I realized it wasn't really helping. THEN this week I was writing from home and sure enough two birds come flying in and start pecking my berries (heheheh, I said pecking my berries). I ran to the window and couldn't believe my eyes!!! These weren't bugs, they were birds!!! And trust I ain't afraid to pepper spray the shit out of some birds too!!!!!

Well when I mentioned this to two people and they both said without hesitation "of it must be birds." What?!?! Is this some martha facher green thumb rule that I didn't know about previously??? Apparently. Well I'm on you damn birds and your bird flu now....

Potential gifts....more pepper spray.