I'll pepper spray the shit out of you too

For years now I've been threatening the critters around my house to "BACK AWAY" with a can of pepper spray (no no PETA people, I don't really pepper spray things but I do try to run things over with the plastic pinto. It all started with those damn cats taking a shit on my patio and patio furniture. It turned really bad when I sat in the cat shit and then tried to blame Helga for farting....

Next came George my neighborly ground hog/beaver/gopher who is really too scared to stay around long enough for me to pepper spray him. Actually I like George. BUT I've also had experience with foxes and other critters that eat my veggies. I feel like I might be turning in to a kranky old lady angerly waving a rolling pin above my head...

Recently I invested in some strawberries and have been growing them. I noticed last week that something was eating them, so I jumped on that business and starting bug spraying them. But I realized it wasn't really helping. THEN this week I was writing from home and sure enough two birds come flying in and start pecking my berries (heheheh, I said pecking my berries). I ran to the window and couldn't believe my eyes!!! These weren't bugs, they were birds!!! And trust I ain't afraid to pepper spray the shit out of some birds too!!!!!

Well when I mentioned this to two people and they both said without hesitation "of it must be birds." What?!?! Is this some martha facher green thumb rule that I didn't know about previously??? Apparently. Well I'm on you damn birds and your bird flu now....

Potential gifts....more pepper spray.