happy spooooky halloween

Well Happy (adults get to act stupid day) Halloween! I'm currently sitting in the international wing of the ATL, lovin me some live jazz music, and watching all the cute kiddos who get to wear their halloween all day long while rushing to their flights. I want to throw candy at them!

This got me thinking about some good halloween costumes, some of which I witnessed this weekend. Nik and I throw a big old halloween party which again ended with a bathroom debriefing around 3:30 AM. This wasn't because anyone was sick, but more just a chatty chat ritual. That dry ice fun was totally worth it. We had some amazing costumes, including a little HP, some strange cat with tin foil, Sookie (although we got no HBO retweet), the walk of shame, and a miss understood former beauty queen:



Other noteworthy costumes I ran across this year include:



Creative, but Pixar sooo is gonna sue you. Perhaps you should stick to something hot and spicy

Man, this piano playing man is totally blowing my mind. You just made this 24 hours of travel day for me. I'm gonna tip the shit out of him.

political season, let's start the drinking games

Well we have officially entered political season, that means the GOP primaries are in full force. The politicko signs are up around town, the email and television ads are going, and things are about to get CRUNK for the rest of us.

I enjoy politicks much more when I create drinking games during the speeches. Like when BO says "Hope" everyone takes a shot. Like when Perry says "Brother" to Cain you take a sip of your beer. You can set up your own, and maybe check out these ideas for some inspiration.

Since it is the getting close to the intense politicko season, let's quick do a review of the most noteworthy drinking game:

Case and point #1: Sink your battleship and my liver in one great game

Case and point #2: The worlds larger beer pong game, where I'm positive that the big ball of death in the sky will warm all the beer before you can consume it.

your nose is a turtle

Have you have noticed how amazing, yet equally nasty the human body is??? We had a great conversation recently about how two seperate people this week mentioned to me that I had nice feet. And I was like, huh, that is strange. Then someone suggested they eat off of them, and then I worried we were broaching a fetish area...

But I digress...so did you ever notice how the nose is a little like a teenage mutant ninja turtle??? Well if not, there is a new website you should find some time to peruse. I like their website tagline:

• "God is the artist. I just find the ninja turtle in his work."

It is pretty wicked and here are a couple of my favorite pics:



Yooo Biggie. They call me big poppa. Ahhh.



What nose ninja is....or something yoda like with all the words mixed up.

picture of the day

People are just sooo clever. They see opportunities for the most perfectly placed sticky notes. Case and point number 1, and then I find out that Paul Simon IS a moustache. I'm a big fan of the moustache, if only for the fabulous rides:



I'm like a bridge over troubled wattttter....

I'm kranky and have 100 dildos

I like old people. Man, they'll give it to you straight. Tell you your business and take names. Take this old dude, he don't like you because your asian AND because you don't put dildos in your safety deposit box at the bank. I mean where else you would keep your collection of plastic penises??? In a storage unit off route 29 or under lock and cover that you would only know about after watching the following video:



When you know you don't have much time left, it's important to know that your home, condo and extensive sex toy collection will be left in good, suddenly confused hands. Oh, what, you think this is weird? Well what was he supposed to do, leave them all to that stuffed crane? You can't just abandon an entire warehouse of expensive, finely-crafted rubber penises, and he already tried giving them to charity. This is for the best — those fake dicks belong with family.

midnight sun takes my breath

Take 4 minutes to be amazed to something that is so natural and pretty that it just takes my breath away:

halloween rock athnem

My current jam = this song**

Not surprising that this song is making the Halloween themed rounds in suburbia:



Nice work residents of some overpriced neighborhood. It's like, why wait till Christmas time to waste energy and exponentially increase the electricity bill. Let's get our creative juices flowing early and start celebrating the fall season with a little pop culture flare.

You have to admit this is pretty badass. Who has the time to design this shit??? I like it.

**Except when I go to the movies and see those fat, stupid chipmunks in horrible outfits dancing with robots. This telemarketing completely misrepresents the a-mazingness of my favorite boxy car. This makes me not want to buy it when the plastic pinto, knock on wood, passes on.

tis the season

Well one of the holidays which the drunken side of America loves is fast approaching. That's right, grown adults have a reason to act stupid on Halloween and St. Patty's day. My fun started a couple weeks ago when I found this pumpkin ass card. Then we has a moment with the cutest Batman and Big Bill. Finally today I found out that the creativeness of pumpkin craving has now reached epic proportions in creating uses for all elements of the naturally grown pumpkin. Case and point:

Let's break it down:

• Wow, way to use the bottom of the pumpkin in new creative ways. I'll never look at a pumpkin in the same way...now I only see a butthole.
  
• I keep thinking about this song where "I need a place for both hands, handz, handzzz." Which then makes me think about OBX. Which then makes me think about pooting and tooting and booting it.
  
• That's what she said: "I'm just doing it until I earn enough money to move outta the pumpkin patch"
• My only job as a father pumpkin is to keep her off the pole and out of clear high heels (insert Chris Rock fav joke of all time).
  
• $1 bills, what cheap bastards. Let's get some $5 up in here to make me holla.
• Shear thongs are the best.
• That isn't a pumpkin, that is someone with an orange tan from Jersey Shore. Nailed it.
  

sewing fail

Here is yet another example of how I should be a professional proofreading. Let's count the ways in which this picture is an epic fail:

1. I definitely want to be thinking about "my baby" and "cancer" in the same sentence.
2. WE GOT CRABS. That doesn't even make sense.
3. Anyone notice the green 69??? What the hell is that doing there?
   
4. I don't know shit about astronomy but this is a fail is so many other levels.
5. Perhaps we should put this baby on some medical marijuana to counteract the nausea of the baby chemotherapy.
6. Despite the good sewing, this is the worst telemarketing ever.
   

I just mentioned this...

...the other day. I need a break, not a foot break but maybe a I-got-knocked-up-which-is-the-only-time-I-get-a-vacation. The only times we actually get a break is between jobs, when having a baby or when I finally reach retirement. I couldn't agree more:

my weekend VA delight

Well hello beautiful VA in my favorite season of the year. I love you fall. Check out the colors from this weekend. This is where I live and can see the magic throughout the year:



Oh and yes please:



VA, you take my breath away.

first time I've seen this

How is it possible that I lived in the yankee north area for years and I have never seen this?!?! If Momma B had boys maybe she would have knitted this business instead of my socks and hand towels. Guess this makes sense why Grandma was asking about some actual size and length :) Sometimes you just need some extra warmth in your fundies:

french inhale

Oh Mike, you sexy MI thing. I'm still glad you are making music and didn't become a pop one hit wonder. Keep working it with great musicians and keep building up those arms:

let's play: fill in the blank

OK let's play a game. It will be fun. Trust me...

Take a look at the picture that surfaced this week of the CA Governator going back to his muscle building, roid taking roots. Let's all brainstorm this age old question: What is Arnold Schwarzenegger thinking? Arnie is thinking _____

• The Situation looks terrible!
• That tan has be to all natural
• I wonder where they keep the maids around here...
• He could probably kill me with those thighs
• Ah the good old days when peach-colored bananana hammocks were acceptable
  

How in the world does anyone think that is attractive?!? Gross. Totally nasty. That image will continue to horrify me for the rest of the day.

batman and bill cosby

I may have ran across the cutest kid ever. He is BATMAN! ("I'm baatman" in a scratchy voice) With Halloween approaching, the kiddos are getting excited about their costumes. Ted, the cutest kid ever, has been working on his batman impressions and the best ways of flexing his muscles this fall holiday season:



Wow that is the best interpretation of BILL COSBY I've ever seen. Forget Batman, Ted has his Cliff Huxtable impression down to a science. That whole slow moving dance that looks like he is taking a poop. Remember how the Cosby Show used to redo their intros each season? It was always a dance party amongst all the actors where good old Bill would look alot like this little batman:



Yep, perfect. Batman and Bill, uncanny likeness.

snow white vs. snow white

So you may or may not have heard but they have been filming two new takes on Snow White. The casts are loaded with high powered stars. They've been filming for awhile now so the pictures are starting to be leaked/released. It couldn't be more clear how different these two films are going to be. Let's break it down:

Case and point #1: Costume Snow White

This version has Julia Roberts and classically funny man Nathan Lane (are you ache'n, yes yes yes, for some bacon, yes yes yes) and Lily Collins (from Abduction who's costar was Taylor, who also costars with Snow White part 2--see below for more of hollywood's seven degrees of separation).

Julia plays the evil queen in a wicked awesome red dress. I mean I like this costume but I'm not sure it is evil enough. Warm fuzzy white feathers and beautiful red satin. Just don't show us that big teethy smile, because that would totally ruin the whole "evil" thing we're working on here:



Also, Snow White puts on some costumes that I'm not sooo excited about. She goes to a ball and instead of bringing her 7 blue collar dwarfs, she decides to wear the iconic swan dress Bjork wore to the Oscars back in the day.

Costume Snow White sporting a swan:

Bjork sporting a swan:



From what I can figure, Costume Snow White is going to be over the top with everything. Fashion, and colors and furniture. The next photo shows the evil queen in a wicked full dress and a golden chair. For the record, I totally owned one of these chairs in my last house. Nik made me sell it though during the last move...it did take up the entire living room. You'd think a gigantic chair made of gold would have been something the Goodwill would have embraced. I mean who doesn't want to sit in solid gold:



Case and Point #2: Badass Snow White

The second version of Snow White is a little more badass. It stars KStew, our favorite twitarded actress, who works with that wolf, who dates that other Snow White with the swan on her head (see totally 7 degrees of separation). From what I can figure out she is a sword wielding, armor-wearing badass. They've been filming in England on a beach, playing with horses and frolicking on the beach:



Wow, the badass version clearly has no fancy balls or swans or elaborate dresses. Instead Snow White's clothes are falling off, she's completely water-logged, and apparently has become a horse whisper:



Here horsey, horse! Luckily, Snow White and the Horsemen version has a white horse. Maybe it will have a knight with shiny armor that will ride bareback down the beach. That would be great, especially if he has blonde hair.

The badass Snow White also has a wicked looking queen who's going to stab you with her knife. Look out she is wicked and does not wear white feathers.

OK I'll admit, I'll probably go see both the films, reviews dependent!

just sticks in my head

Finally Colbie sophomore album is out and this song sticks in my damn head. You've been warned. However, I think I could do without the hipple granola video:

I'd like you better if you were british

Dear Matt,

I liked your come on let's get higher song back in the day. Actually I bought your entire album. Your new song sticks in my head. But in all honesty, I'd like you better if you were British and could speak to me with a little accent that makes my lady business melt. Yes please:



Also, I find your new facial hair a little McCreepy. It doesn't quite fit your face. Maybe it would go with some bad teeth if you were british. I'm just sayin'. You could be more like James Morrison, that soulful sexy brit.

Love,

LL

human of the year

I keep hearing about this new HBO show called Enlightened. It has this great Regina Skektor song in the preview. It is stuck in my head:

you got served in your own dance party

OK I'm a proponent of the personal dance party. I'll rock it out with the best of them. But sometimes your younger brother is sneaky and comes in to show you up:



You know that saying...."behind every good ____ is a ____" well I'm pretty sure that during this video the following applies:

• Behind every good women is an infinitely cooler little brother

THANK GOD I don't have brothers. I'm pretty sure that my sisters could never NEVER show me up like this :) No offense. But I would pelvis thrust the shit out of any dance moves you bring the table. Let's do it.

managing office space

You know, not everyone is as fortunate as you. We've discussed this before...not everyone can afford organic food like you, instead some of us have to eat mayo as a snack. Now, I'd like you to realize that the economy is shit and some of us have to sit on ladder in order to complete our workday:



Now I think I'm pretty creative in my office space, but this is wickedly inventive. For reals, impressive business. Let's break it down:

• Stacked ikea-piece-of-shit desks
• Tiered trash cans--no bitch, put your trash in your own can!
• Sizable seat-age, be that via a ladder or ergonomic chair with no leg room
• Room for folder organization
• Easy access to the white board
  

I hate to point out the obvious, but this set up would never work for women. Knowing me, the 6-foot-tall-giant-of-an-office-mate, I would get stuck on the "ladder" chair which means I would have to stop wearing skirts to the office or worry about flashing my colleague on a daily basis. Also I need more back support in that ladder!!!

Next time you want to complain about your job, just remember, it could be worse. Now get back to you work!!!

forget online dating

My best friends and I used to take road trips every year. D/T/C would get into a car and drive to neighboring states in order to drink lots of beer. We would stay with friends and attend beer festivals for extended weekend o' fun (where on such trips we would learn that anything that has "o' ___" in the title freaks me out alittle).

These were the good spontaneous times, where we would wander around the great city of Raleigh, which I still cannot properly pronounce (shocker). During these nighttime wanderings we'd step into basement bars to get picked up by drunk lesbian arm wrestlers, or hang out on a rooftop bar social inter-coursing with bartenders about how to make cilantro infused martinis.

On these trips, we also learned the international signal for "muddling" or jerking off, AND discussed the plethora of signage we would pass that encouraged local dating throughout the countryside. D thought I should call these local numbers for a good time. But for reals, who wants to date some hillbilly in northern North Carolina??? RAISE YOUR HAND!

Although I was not on board with those dating signage, however I am completely enthusiastic about this roadside telemarketing campaign for sex:

And don't call you bitches, I only accept some s/texting (you know sexy texting). I mean why even waste your time on dating, let's just get right to business and offer up the fast swimmers. This guy is clearly not shooting blanks. Quick, someone google where the area code "512" is!?!?!? Let me know if this is a possibility because I'm allll over it.

Wow, way to put it right out there. And wow, way to use different colors markers whilst making your signage, that is pretty impressive. No beating around the bush either in the message, not buying dinner or drinks. Just some straight up, get-you-knocked-up telemarketing whilst on the drive home. I like it.

Update status: I found Mrs. Bling

I love love love Mr. and Mrs. Bling Bling. These are my good friends who holla from B-more, who we all pray will soon soon soon catch a damn break. A good "break" folks, not a hip break or a break up, but something more like spring break! Finger crossed 4x.

Anyways, for years now I make fun of Mr. and Mrs. Bling Bling because all our weekend conversations go a little something like this:

• LL: "Watcha do this weekend?"
• A: "Ran some errands"
• LL: "I need more information"
• M: "We ran lots of errands like blah blah blah blah"

I've never met more people who appear to run errands all damn weekend, 8 hours a day for 2 days straight. For reals. They have to go here and there, with green eggs and ham, on a boat and when in a jam.

Well today I ran across this picture of the day and couldn't help but think about how this is probably Mrs. Bling Bling multi-tasking during her plethora of weekend errand running:



She is tracking her grocery list online through some milk cartoon program that makes people more sane, whilst talking to Mr. Bling Bling on the phone (who subsequently is ordering the purchase of more pizza rolls), whilst trying to figure out whether to buy organic or fat free yogurt, peach or blueberry. If only she had a smart phone so that she could also update her status on facebook and tweet me that we need more COWBELL in a dairy section.

Also, I think this lady is at Target, hence the fire engine red cart, which is a frequented errand-running-arena for my favorite friends.

LOVE YOU!!!!

halloween inspired by ace ventura

I used to love me some Ace Ventura, a little less Ace Ventura 2. But I could quote the shit out of any Jim Carrey movie, be that Dumb & Dumber or Ace. Anyways, I just ran across this picture of a Hallmark halloween card and couldn't help but think ________:



ASSSSHOLEOMEEEA!!! All I can think of is this pet detective scene of greatness:



Wow who knew that Hallmark was totally ripping off classic 90s movies. Na, none of the tweens these days would even know what it meant....

it's been one of those weeks

You know how you have those types of weeks...the ones that make you drink....the ones that exhaust you...the ones that make you want to run into on-coming traffic. Well I had an exhausting one, and I will be the first to admit that it pales in comparison to Helga and McBetty's everylives. Let me explain...

Case and point #1: Learning how to walk again and drive with my left footsies

I have been prone to ankle sprains for over a decade and this last spring was no surprise when a spikey pine cone of death look all 6 feet of me out. I was on the ground before I even knew what had happened. Then during a later spring hike I tweaked it again. Since then apparently I have been walking funny or at least in a way that has irritated my old stress fracture from 2002. Same foot, same bone-like-area. Now I can't put pressure on my front of my foot without pain and there is no way I can push up or stand on my toes.

Is this why I stopped doing yoga? Yeah that could be a subconscious reason. And now I don't get to work out for a month. That makes me happy.

Here's my new accessory for the month of October:



God, isn't that sexy? And those pasty white legs...grrr! I've been workin on some good stories to go along with it. Bar fight? Sword fight injury? Got any other ones I can use???

The exhausting part was I walk uneven now, which means you either don't move or you are pretty sore by the end of the day. Damn muscles you don't typically use. And crawling out of the plastic pinto, all 2 inches from the ground, really blows. Plus I have to wear a tennis shoe instead of my beloved flippy flops.

Case and point #2: Butt plugs for your eyes

This week I had my annual eye doctor appointment, and I really hate people touching my eyes. Due to side effects of my lupie drugs, I have eye complications and they have to absolutely rape me with every test in the book. I only do afternoon appointments so I can go home and start drinking afterwards :) Better yet, why wait till afterwards?

The last two years I had eye plugs put in, which I call my eye butt plugs. This blocks the duct from my eye to nose and thus keep moisture in my eye balls. They completely numb your eyes (like your teeth at the dentist) and then shove butt plugs in your eyes (it's fun). Turns out the plugs are expensive and don't stay in for me, so this week they announced that I should have them soldered shut. HOLY BALLS!!! You want to sew my eye ball ducts? That beyond freaks me out.

Yeah I may need a week to process that business before making a decision, I mean I just got put in a moon boot, OK? How much can one girl take in a week relating to health problems? Well apparently all could be butt plug free though.

Tomorrow's a new week, one which I'll still be adjusting to my new life as a cripple.