music of the moment

Here is my current jam of the moment. Don't particularly like the crap video but man does this song vibrate through my bones:



This has got to be a club mix. I swear I'd be dancing my balls of to this if I had time for such things anymore :)

hey fattie, go here

Gosh, everyone has been telling me what to do lately...what to eat, when to eat and now I ran across this instruction in the airport:

Let me translate for you:

Attention all heifers, coral yourself to the right and suck it in as you enter the effortless mode of transportation. Anyone who's legs are still the size of their arms can take the damn stairs and get a hot dog at the top. The rest of you fatties merge to the right and continue your obese lifestyle.

Thank god those pictures are gender neutral, this way I feel less bad about my potential in the right side.

Toy R Us does birth control

I think this toy store has inadvertently offered the most excellent family planning advice ever:

I'm pretty sure this little nugget of wisdom from Toys "R" Us was a telemarketing mistake, considering it essentially holds the key to never having to shop at a Toys "R" Us. None the less, this ad offers some sound elephant-like advice for family planning. I mean you don't have to take a pill or worry about any heat of the moment accessories, and YOU SAVE!!!

I mean it worked for Bristol Palin, right?

you aren't special

I really like this bar, they don't sugar coat their drinks or their signage:

Some bars use limited-time cocktails or other gimmicky discounts to get you tossing back cold ones, but this place just breaks your spirit with raw, unflinching truthfulness. There's no phony, light-beer commercial atmosphere in here. Just a bunch of guys who've been chewed up and spit out by a merciless bitch called Life. Build a bridge and get over it yo.

potato chips save the day

Violence is never the answer but shit happens. Crazy people go nuts all the time. But somehow this always happens on public transportation. I mean check this video with two people drop kicking the shit out of each other:



Unlike your average run-of-the-mill internet subway fight video, this one gets broken up in the most nonchalant way possible: By a dude choosing to stand between the combatants and eat potato chips. If all it takes to break up a fight is to stand there and eat chips, then who knows, someday even I might be a hero!

I vote we rename this video to "Man Breaks Up Subway Fight By Fearlessly Eating Potato Chips". Done and doneski.

why the bloody hell didn't I think of this

Why the bloody hell didn't I think of this when in college....



I mean I was ENROLLED in Liberal Arts and realllllly should have drunkenly made this happen. I blame all my a-mazing friends for not being creative and supportive enough.

On a related note, I have horrid spelling but I think I could have mastered this one.

BO is sexy

Well this was bound to happen. I'm surprised the interwebs took this long to make it. But now we officially know that BO is sexy AND he knows it:

I don't want to get too political here…

But Mitt Romney could never pull off animal print pants.

eat my shorts

Hmmmm, I think your shorts might be too small, too tight, and not fit:

I don't know whether to feel bad for her because she can't afford another pair of shorts or to applaud her for simply getting those things on. Either way sexxxy!

found this on my refrig

Nik, what an jhole trying to help me with my diet....freezer burrrrn:

my take on tswift

I like Taylor Swift. I do. She is great, except for all that fake, surprise, OMG I just won another award and I had no idea I'm awesome attitude she has. I mean, yes, she is grateful and all, but I seriously could just have a closed-mouth thank you at this point. Also, not dressing like you are in the era of dust bowls.

Apparently I'm not the only one that has noticed these lovely yet annoying manner in her song and life. Given the ACM's tonight in Vegas, my fav Joel McHale has put together a little parody, which in my opinion is pretty accurately funny:

the best rendition of queen ever

Those crazy canucks! They are nuts and even more so when they are drunk and stuck in the backseat of a cop car. I really want this song as my ringtone. This is well worth 6 minutes of your life:

a new way to charge your i-products

I found a better way for you to charge your iPod or iPhone. Now you don't have to worry about leaving your charger at home or not having enough battery for your favorite tunes when on a long flight. Instead you can just whip out this mask:



Now don't be frightened. We haven't returned to a time of air strikes or gasing, but instead invented some really pretty technology for your Apple devices.

This mayyyyy be the first strike in the machines' eventual overthrow of the human race. I always assumed our gadgets would turn against us in a full scale military assault, but it turns out the revolt will happen quietly, by tricking us into voluntary enslavement. We're already using our own breath, the very thing that keeps us alive, to give them power. What else will they demand of us?

Luckily the safest place to be is America, where the obesity epidemic has put so many of us on respirators that we simply have no oxygen to spare. I may have some after attempting to climb a flight of stairs though. OR this is much more likely:

I need these pants

I really need these pants. I eat EVERYWHERE but a table....the bathroom, my bed, the floor, while driving. It is hot times when you're around the big LL in the arena of food consumption.

Luckily I've now found some capri pants that support my eating lifestyle. These winged pants make for great picnic attire. When sitting they spread out into a make-shift table so that you don't get potato on you, or spill your tacos. And you have to admit they are fashionable:




I also think I could become a flying squirrel if I could also web my arms. I could totally do it!

best t-shirt ever

True statement:

what to bury me in

No one likes talking about their own mortality (except me), but with this bacon-wrapped death box, you'll be salivating over it. What better way to go to your final resting place than in a casket that resembles what was probably your final meal? Plus this quality piece of craftsmanwork will seal out the elements, perfectly preserving your fatally cloggged arteries for weeks to come:

Don't worry their website says this pork flavored box is just under $3000 which is TOTALLY affordable. And I like the company's tagline...."everything should taste like bacon". Couldn't agree more.

we get it you're excited

OK Tim, we understand you got traded (like a wild turkey in the hob--insert Hunger Games reference) and now you're excited. Super excited to be exact. 44 times in one press conference EXCITED that his tebowing efforts are moving to NY.



NY is probably a better place to get laid then Denver anyways.

Downton Abrys

Thanks to my good friend Y, I spent an entire weekend sick on the floor of her Blacksburg house watching Downton Abbey. It's amazing. I'm addicted, which given my Brits obsession is not surprising. Here is a parody which made me laugh:

If you haven't seen the show I doubt you are going to find this remotely funny but I like it. PLUS who doesn't love that one of the top shows out there right now is on PBS. Look thing those elephants didn't shut it down last year and really pull the funding. Bloody well done!

HP going intergalactical

HP Danny was posing for a new mazagine and I can't help but think he is reaching out to a new generation of nerds in this clear attempt at a look-alike:

Coincidence? Maybe he actually posing as Data’s twin brother Lore and he’s stolen Data’s uniform???

my family posted this...

....in our kitchen growing up. True story.

wheel placement is critical

Those crazy cannucks! They really need some additional proofreaders and telemarkerting officials. I mean check out these wheels:

Maybe her campaign team should go back to the drawing board, or at least back to the "let's not make any parts of the bus look like big rubber tits" board. This could have been extremely embarrassing for the candidate, but luckily it happened in Canada, so everyone's being obnoxiously polite about it.

Wowsa!

make your own tweets

I found another new website, but this one allows you to make your own celebrity tweets that you always wanted to see. Have you been begging for a Twitter shout-out from your favorite famous person, but they're too busy making terrible music, movies, or television to heed your pathetic cries for attention? Well now you can! Make fake (but dangerously convincing) tweet from LET ME TWEET THAT FOR YOU, a tweet template and bad-idea-waiting-to-happen that puts every celebrity Twitter account at your michievous fingertips. Here are some of my favorites:

This is bringing me back to PPTK at Christmas....oh D!

See Rush just needs a HUG :)

one tiny hand

I'm found this new site which makes me giggle. How do people come up with this shit? High and drunk I bet. No doubt about that.

Well this site is pictures were one hand is tiny. This is some good graphic manipulation that makes you go "huh?" Here is a preview to think about all day today:

only in MN

I really love MN. My heart is there, although maybe covered in ice due to the frozen tundra like winters. The men there are tall, they are sexy, and they eat alot of butter and mayo. Apparently they also have good senses of humor when fighting fires in drag.

Here’s a group of volunteer firefighters from Sauk Centre, Minnesota who jumped into action while wearing dresses as part of a charity fundraiser during their St. Patrick’s Day parade. It’s kind of like Mrs. Doubtfire meets Backdraft. These drag-wearing fellas do not, in fact, like it hot:

who is mitt?

working staches

I ran into this article that takes moustaches into eyebrows with 16 of our favorite celebrities. Truthfully I really don't like Angelina with Brad's staches. Does absolutely nothing for me.

Check Tom, that sexy moustache playin tricks on me eyes:

headline of the day

I assume this suggestive headline was an accident, much like having an overweight rock star's illegitimate love child. Either way, I really don't want to know what Meat Loaf does with his meat loaf. Now that a good unintentional dirty headline. I like it.

Sonic has the most patient employees

I have never worked in the fast food industry. I wouldn't have minded before this whole career path thing I got going on. It would have been one of those experiences that shape you, you know in never wanting to eat fried food again because you can still smell it in your clothes (this is my worry about being a barista and not liking coffee again).

Well anyways, you gotta give it up to those employees for having to deal with all us bitchy people who just want cheap, quick food. I mean take this Sonic employee who is losing minutes of her life while this songwriter sings his order. I'd like like "DICK, what do you want?" and I'm gonna spit in your food:



Remember when "coning" became the new planking in those viral social trends. Well the fast food employees had to keep making new ice cream cones for all those asshats jholes too!!! Damn people, give these folks a break...Here is an example of coning:



Those poor, patient employees....

I found a toddler better than you

I think this toddler is the new Forrest Gump of ping pong. He is much better than you and only marginally better than me when I have a pint of beer to balance me in my other hand. I really miss playing ping pong and maybe I need to join a gym where I can play this....then when I have children they can do this:



Last time you sat on a ping pong table it broke and you bruised your tailbone and you had to sit on one of those embarrassing donut pillows for weeks. Remember that, fatass?

Oh wait maybe I'm thinking about sex on pool tables....

I just found 2 dogs I want

Well I would have a real problem if these were cats because I just want it, if only for the story telling and possibly for extended laughter:

OR the furry version:

I mean I can't even make this shit up!

I'll take one of both please and thank you.

thinking about social media

My friend T told me recently that she feels like she is falling behind in the social media movement. I asked how she knew and she said when she reads website there are about 25 new icons at the bottom of posts or entries where you can do something with it. Yeah I guess that is true, but I never thought about it that way.

So maybe we need some education on what is what and what they do. Perhaps a metaphor would work best so that it is in layman terms. Enter the donut example, because you doesn't want a donut right now:

LLSpot, donuts look like ....