dance party on a treadmill

Wowsa, check out this lady. She is totally, totally showing you up on a treadmill. She ain't runnin, hells no she is going to throw down and dance you off (I mean it ain't no chair in San Fran**). Check her get down:



Personally I like the two douches doing the running commentary, Beyonce what?!?! Holla at yo girl. Apparently she is a repeat customer who works on her moves while working it out. Hot.

Only on the Internet could someone become the second most famous person to pull off an intricately choreographed dance routine on a treadmill. But talent-wise, this lady makes those guys from OK GO look like they're stuck in walk mode.

**Insert memory from San Fransisco drunk, with the Beaver2.0, and having a 3 AM dance off with a bar stool. Ahh good times.

where does my laptop go?

Let's play a game.

Guess where LL brings her laptop constantly:

• The toilet
• The bathtub
• My bed
• The coffee shop
• The plastic pinto

Here are some case and point examples for you....

I really don't see a problem with this. Sure sure I could die due to the combination of water and electricity, but what is life without a little risk. I'm more worried when its extreme hot water and the mirror is dripping in condensation. Think about what that is doing to my motherboard.

And sadly this case and point is also my life:

It may seem incredibly depressing to think that the only thing warming my bed during these cold winter months is the laptop I snuggle up beside, but that's an antiquated thought process. This is the future. You're not alone if you have a trusted computer that intimately knows your tastes in music, sitcoms, and pornography. I say let the machines repay us for building them by providing the occasional adrenaline and dopamine needed to simulate an emotional connection with another living being.

I shop here all the time

As McBetty says, its a single serving container...or meal....

I'm starting to get in the mood

Ohhh tis the season and I'm starting to get in the mood, the mood for a little xmas music and....



CHEWY!!!

Pretty badass if you ask me.

let's step back to the 70s

I have been listening to some really great 70s music lately. Curtis Mayfield had a couple legendary schools that end up in every recent pop culture movie. See if you can pick the movies for which these songs have been running through my head:



OR

no absolutely no

If anyone buys me this, I will kill you (and then mail it to Helga that cat lovin fool):



Horrible.

holy balls deep

Wowsa, check out this Jeopardy player going balls deep, laying all his shit out there, taking on Alex like a true badass. This is the scariest 60 seconds of Jeopardy ever:



Wow, Alex is like "excuse me?" what did you say? Did I hear you wrong? And then boooom the guy is like a millionare. Go big or go home bitches.

shop eddie

I need to start shopping at Eddie Bauer again.**

It's the holiday season and you gotta give the gift of....



**If you don't get it, watch this clip.

Step 1: Cut a hole in a box

Step 2: Put your junk in the box

sardines and orange donkeys

So for those that don't know I spent a good week in the great land 'o Norway last week. I was doing a training for work, but got a good 4 hours of fun in between. Really, those Norwegians know how to work a girl out. Despite this I did get to see some of the country side, learn about sardines and try to love on some orange donkeys:



Go LL go!!! I'm on a boat and see I'm in Norway (hence the Norwegian flag).



These are the famous Fjordes, which are naturally made fingerlets on the coast. Apparently they were made from the ice ages and are very deep with high rocks. Amazingly pretty.



Wowsa that is tall and high and rocky. Blue sky, that blue sky makes me all warm and fuzzy instead.



So yesss Norway rocked my world. My suitcase was late after 24 hours of flying, but things got better. I was hosted to the mosted this trip. It has come to a point where I'm thinking, man can you just leave me alone for awhile so that I can sit in my room by myself. There is all these group meals, where they embrace their collaborative nature. I like this part, and something American's should do more. But within reason and perhaps not 3+ times a day! What a loner I am, but seriously sometimes I just want to shed that professional LL nature to do my two favorite things: drink and swear.

One of the nights I was invited to one of my host's homes for a traditional Norwegian holiday dinner that was a-mazing. There was champagne, and local beer, and some local potato liquor. I was a good girl but they had to put me in a taxi back to my hotel at the end of the night. I like it when the hosts are too drunk to drive the guest home—this is my type of country, I mean you have to drink just to stay warm. Anyways we had sweeeedish potatoes, and sheep ribs rehydrated covered with a butter/bacon gravy. Yeah this was definitely low cal. This meat was dehydrated and salted, then soaked for days, and then boiled over birch branches, and then baked into some crispy meat business. It was interesting and I ate it all like a pro. I didn't insult the host until I said I didn't want chocolate cake at the end, which was soooo typically me (no cake for me but can I have another sheep rib please?).

On that food note, I have been eating a ridiculous amount of meat. I swear, there is weird meat everywhere, at every meal, and for each snack time. I had to eat Veel/veal/veil/vail last night and put a smile on my face the entire time. It wasn't too bad but geeeez can a girl get a salad? I asked if there are any vegetarians or vegans in Norway and they all said "NO" without any hesitation. At breakfast there was puffed or foamy meat (which I undoubtedly avoided). I should just continue eating meat the last day because I got emails from my food/meat family today warning me that over 50 people have got sick and there has been a recall on Basil in Norway---great, death by basil is much worse than over consumption of meat product.

I also learned wayyyy more about seafood and fish then I really needed. I went to the canning museum and I was excited to learn about the history of canned veggies and fruits, only to find out it was ALLLLL seafood and sardines. Can't wait for Santa gifts this year and EVERYONE is getting Norwegian sardines (say it like Oprah, "you get a sardine", "you get a sardine").

As a final note, I also noticed that the Norwegian cross walks have Dick Tracy in them. Some are gender neutral while others have top hats, shoes, and fitted coats. Yesss Dick Tracy is in Norweigan and warning pedestrians of on-coming traffic.

it's time for alittle helga

I'm in extreme preparation for an exciting trip to CA. We're going back, back, back, to cali, cali, cali (insert notorious B-I-G). I am going to get my yearly dose of Helga time, my all time best butt rubbing, leg humping, lover pants friend. I'm going to sass the shit out of her, and extreme whistle, and rub my feet on her pillows, and bark at her, and be super duper cheerful in the morning. It is gonna be great...I can't wait.

Helga, you are welcome to sit on my lap anytime:



Also, I'm pretty sure I am going to hump your leg. Be that in a parking lot or on a train or on a plane. Look out, hump hump hump:



Considering we are in CA, I imagine there is going to be hiking happening. You know where my foot can take it. So we will be in the woods, hugging trees and loving mother nature (PS, I still have this t-shirt):



I hope we will be on a boat somewhere, just so I can sing, "I'm on a boat..I'm on a mother f-ing boat." I really love cities with water in them, especially when they have boats, like ferry boats or tour boats:



I am positive there is going to be some drinking. I mean, it's LL, right? Yeah, so it may not look exactly like this blow job shot taking, but definitely some drinking:



Along with the drinking, I hope to laugh my balls off. I'm going to laugh and laugh, and then laugh at you, and finally laugh at me. It's gonna be great, no seriousness here:



And finally, we will have some hugging. Helga may try to push me away, but I'm 6 foot tall, bigger than you, and can wrap my arms 4x around you. Deal with it. And my personality is 2x times as big as normal people which means, I'm coming and we are going to embrace:



Woot woot, see you Saturday you hooker!

hey girl, I don't give a shit

Well I had a hellish, yet fun week. I was to work by 7 AM everyday and drunk by 8 PM most nights. Apparently I've been working and playing pretty hard lately. This week, I spent some quality time with my girls where we constantly quoted 3 things which will make you laugh and stick in your head:

Number 1:

That stupid LMFAO song. All they're songs are stupid but soooo damn catchy (including the rock anthem). Now this one is my ringer that says "wiggle, wiggle, wiggle...I work out". Yesterday we were tailgating at the UVA game and it went off, and everyone was like what the hell is that. Wiggle, wiggle:



I work out. No fo real, I do. Yeah and I'm sexy and I know it.

Number 2:

I've been watching those wild animal shows lately. Not through cable television or with any factual base, but through one of my new favorite gay guys. Yep his name is Randell and he is an internets viral sensation. For example, check out this informational video about Honey Badgers:



So what is in my head, "Honey badgers, they don't give a shit". Nastyass honey badgers. What a badass, they just don't care. (I'm going to keep replying to you using these lovely new Honey Badger inspired saying).

Wow, I really like Randell. If you haven't already, you should totally subscribe to his YouTube channel and see what else he narrates (to classical music). For example, check out the Jesus Lizard.

Number 3:

While hanging out, B kept saying "hey girl" and I was like, that's from another viral video. Turns out we could quote the whole damn thing. Posted this a couple months ago after my gay husband was here for a visit, because it reminded me of his fierceness:



LOVES this. Could watch it, quote it, and love on it all damn day. All this week, Nik and I would laugh to this before going to bed:

• HEY GIRL! Hey girl.
  
• Nice try hoe
• But special, remember I'm special
• Rude...
• I can hear you bitches
• That's how you do it, bitch
• It's like pretty n' pink but the dress looked good

Now let's pull my fun week together into one phrase: "Hey girl, I work out, I don't give a shit"

open letter to seattle

Dear Seattle,

I'm sooo looking forward to coming for a visit in two weeks. I miss you lots, you know with your constant cover of cloud and moderately tempered weather. I'd like to visit with family, catch a flying fish, eat an almond crosssssant, go canhoooo-ing, get on a big b-ooo-a-t, see the twins and BS with Scott, spot a sparkly vampire, and go see DMB at the Gorge. The reality is I may only accomplish the first goal here because UW screwed my alternative-non-work-related plans earlier this fall. Alas I get one free night.

While in Seattle, if possible, I'd like to spot this new mode of transportation I recently read about. I'm a bike supporter, especially when they add a fast swimmer to it (aka, sperm). Not shooting blanks anymore! (to quote my fav grad school friends). I'd like to see this bike, ride on this bike, and buy one for my own personal use around Cville:



Wow Seattle, way to be environmentally friendly and telemarketingly conscious. I like it. Now go make me a computer or a cup of coffee.

See you soon!

Sincerely yours always and forevvvver,
LL

secondary smrt protesters

I respect protesters. They have a cause and they are not afraid to yell it, to sign it, and to stand around promoting it. Despite they're obvious commitment, I mayyyy have a little more comedic respect for those secondary protesters. These are the people who stand next to the initial protester to blatantly mock their cause.

Case and point #1:

What doesn't kill you only makes your wrists stronger.

Case and point #2:

And on the gay note, here is one more added bonus for alittle extra giggle:



And a big round of applause. Nice work you creative secondary protesters. Way to hang around and adapt a secondary cause off of someone else's protesting efforts. I imagine this happens without the protester even knowing what is happening. They are just standing there being all opinionated not knowing others are actually making fun of them.

I like it.

sex on the (winter) brain

Momma B knits me shit, like socks and dish rags, but I'd like to officially request this hat:

Now I know it is going to be difficult to get all the humping, but I know you can do it. Get those needles moving fast and remember there is definite penetration here. I wonder if I wore this around if people would actually notice it was moose sex and not just moose. I mean I like moose, but I particularly like the dirty part!

you wanker bankers

Well I love me some Irishmen especially when they swear and talk about drinking and give their view on the financial situation in the US. That's right it is all just a bunch of wanker bankers:



Everyone who's been waiting for the Occupy movement to fall in line behind a unified message, well I'd like to nominate this guy as the official spokesman. Sometimes it takes a charming ethnic stereotype to clarify exactly how fecked we really are. Now go get me a pint.

espn has penises

What does ESPN and penis have in common??? Good sign potential and 4 letters:

I hope this happened when at MSU or somewhere equally trashy.

not based on science

I like the disclaimer to this new moustache cheat sheet:

ya right, tried it already

Yeah right, picture of the day, this doesn't work! Tried it. Also while speeding to a bathroom for explosive number two...

72 days and it's over

Wowsa, did you hear??? The Special K news??? Kimmy K has filed for divorce from her tall MN-soten husband. They made it a whole 72 days. Considering they were PAID $17.9 million for their wedding that means it was worth a nifty $10,358.80 per hour. 10Gs per hour. HOLY BALLS!!

Check this out for a detailed break down of the numbers. It was funny how #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage was trending on twitter for days producing such epic tweets as:

• #Blackberry service outage #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage (which I thought McBetty would enjoy).
• #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage her last name.
• #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage Taylor Swift's speech because Kanye grabbed her mic
  

Well you know now that we all look back at it, there was some signs we were missing that would have suggested this abrupt end. For God’s sake, this GIF taken from Keeping Up With The Kardashians should have given it away months ago…

What kind of jhole throws a woman into the ocean? I'm sure she is fine. I heard she’s completely buoyant carrying around all that well-known junk in the trunk, but still.

I still contend that these are s-m-r-t business people and she played her heart and wallet pretty well this time. Point Kim, advantage Special K family.