we all need somebody to love

I've been going through a Queen phase lately. I mean who doesn't love fat bottom girls? Real men don't like those too skinny girls. Last weekend I was speeding up to DC blaring their greatest hits windows down, hair blowin in the plastic pinto.

Imagine my surprise when I read that Queen has been hosting a contest encouraging fans to cover their songs. There has been some interesting entries, all of which you can view via their youtube channel. Check out my favorite entry, and one of my favorite songs, which begs the question: are we sure this isn't the true lead singer?



Amazing.

the gayest laugh

Last month that sexy silver fox, Anderson, totally lost it in a fit of giggles on his show. When my gay husband was in town this month I showed him the video and we agreed that anyone that hears this giggle cannot deny that he is gay. I love that Anderson, who is an epic journalist, loses all integrable sense when talking about an actor who tried to pee in a bottle on an airplane.

And this for sure is a giggle, not a laugh or chuckle. I don't laugh like this. It surely isn't from that classic scene in Mary Poppin....Anderson is really trying to control his giggle fit. And at about 2:00, he proves he definitely is gay:



If I worked in radio I would isolate that giggle and play it over and over and over as the best sound bite ever.

I'm gonna diagram the shit out of you

So Nik and I recently had a major laughing fest whilst deciding to start diagraming the shit out of our everyday lives. This new goal was inspired by this picture:



I don't know who this Chris person is but he sounds like someone I would like to hang out with. What, you like to drink? What, you like balconies? What, your friends leave passive aggressive fun notes for you? Let's be friends.

Fun like this is the sole reason I purchased a million dollar half cork, half chalk board for our kitchen. So I can draw dirrrty things and then use an arrow to point to the equally dirty post-it note pinned up on the left. Ahhh good times.

So here is what I came up with for the bathroom:

1. Are you LL? No, then feel free to use the toilet.
   
2. Yes, have you pooped in the last day? Yes, proceed with caution.
3. No, is there a plunger available? Yes, proceed with caution and consider a two-flusher with a mid-poop pinch off.
4. No, go to the crazy neighbors.

Yep, I think this works. I'm posting it in the bathroom for future reference. Excellent.

Now I need you all to come up with more decision making trees for me....

don't buy me hammer pants

Momma B called me at work the other day to ask if I would like some new Hammer pants. I felt like I had time traveled back in the early 90s. I told her I needed more information. Where was she? What did she want to buy? Turns out they where fancy tie die wide leg pants that roughly resemble the now broke MC Hammer (ooooOOOoo) wardrobe. I stamped a big hells no on that business, stating the "no room in my closet" excuse.

Anyways, this warranted a little comparison from one of my favorite websites:

You know I'm not a big fan of those hipsters. I mean what is with those horrible tight jeans. They do absolutely nothing for me. Don't you wanna let your balls get some air? Sometimes they just need to roam free alittle. And don't you think the tight jeans make your big platypus feet look more like Ronald McDonald.

And the color, oh the mismatched horrid compilation of colors. We need to get you people a color wheel and work on complimentary matches. Then you can match your wardrobe with your moustache, and then offer me a ride. Handlebar rides for LL plus a rendition of can't touch this (ooooOOOoo).

You know the good thing about Hammer pants...you can pull a Kris Kross and wear the pants forward and backwards. I swear, no one will know whether they are on right or wrong because they are baggy all the way around.

I don't run

I don't run. OK I only run when being chased. Correction, I only run when being chased and when I don't want to be caught.

I've been talking alot about running lately with friends and I keep quoting this video. It is worth watching:

Tosh.0
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I like the little things:

• .0 is his number
• The signs say "let's all waste energy together"
• Wrapped up like a baked potato
• Just think about all the traffic you are not clogging

and this will continue to horrify me

I will have nightmares about this for week. Horrifying. I mean, 1) it's a cat, scarey, and 2) it has TWO FACES!!!! Only one of it's heads eat. Gross:

sooo pretty

Well this makes me miss nights on the farm in MN, and my time last summer in Alaska. Soooo pretty:

I agree with black, calm down

I am going to write in Lewis Black for President next November. For reals, I like his dark, angry rants that are full of straight-talking for reals commentary. Between apple juice and dancing drama, I like him. Trust me this is worth 5 minutes of your life...so angry, so correct:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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I need a chicken necklace

Well we all know the Lady is a crazy dresser, but Ms. Nicki is making a run for equal craziness. I like Nicki, she's got style, grace, and man she's got a quick tongue. The girl can spit some lyrics like Lil Kim in the 90s.

Well anyways, this week she out did herself when she took a fo reals chicken wing, painted in bright pink and strapped it around her neck. If the Lady wears raw beef and Nicki wears chicken, I guess that leaves us with the other white meat or the other other white meat. Or pork. Goat? HOT:



Well don't worry, if this new fashion trend is tickling your wallet, you can buy it! Yep if you got some extra dollars, check out this site and lay down a good $80 for some painted chicken strung on some fake gold chains. See HOT, told ya.

tea, I'm looking for you

Here's that handmade Lionel Richie "Hello" teapot you were looking for. Found on Etsy, this is the only teapot that steeps its leaves with the creepy longing of a pop star stalking a blind girl. Gotta love his moustache:

get her a beer bong

Grandma, forget shot gunning that beer can! Let's pull out the beer bong and see what she can do....

pop up is back

Let's all travel back to the 1990s and have a moment or two nostalgia for VH1's Pop Up video (insert pop). You know, back when MTV played music instead of promoting teen preggers, and VH1 didn't have herpes from Rock of Love and the syp from Flavor Flav. Ahhh those were the good old days.

Well hang on to your butts because VH1 is bring back Pop Up video (insert pop). You can make your own pop up video on their website, but be warned you have go through all these systems shit to be on facebook and link off their website to share. The show (insert pop) returned at the beginning of October, and if that isn't a reason to get cable I don't know what is. Ready, sync your DVRs....

To satisfy you for now, you can enjoy the Britney reboot:

Get More: Britney Spears, Pop Up Video, Pop Up Video: Britney Spears, 'Till The World Ends', Free Music Videos

POP!

ryan, you sexy bitch

You gotta love Ryan Gosling. The man is sexy, check here and saving countries here and hungry for his shirt here. Plus, did you know, he was part of the Mickey Mouse club with JT, Britney and Christina back in the day? Apparently he was sexed up bad boy.

Also, don't you think he has alittle Mike Posner vibe to him? Right, ash? Or vise versa, whatev.

Ryan has been stealing women's hearts ever since he starred in the Notebook. He has done some other good movies like Lars and the Real Girl. He recently spent half of his new movie shirtless, where there were no complaints from me. He can be shirtless and not talk, that is fine by me. But apparently his talking has caught some attention:

let's talk social trends

Sorry ya'll I'm a little behind in updating you on current social trends. There has been a number of social experiences that have been making their way around the internets this summer, some of which are still happening while others are on their way out.

Case and point number one, Planking. This where people pretend to lay across things...the laying down game, the make-yourself-look-like-a-plank game. This fad can be very fun if you have an inventive partner. Please don't hurt yourself like this chick...important to make sure your planking equipment is secured to the ground.

You need to get on this fad a-sap, because if you didn't know already, Hugh Hefner the 90 year old stud is wayyyy ahead of you. Earlier this summer he posted this picture of him and all the blogosphere was worried that perhaps he died. Nope! He is just up for all things young and new (pun intended):



OK well this is not the best example of planking, but for an old man, it's not so bad. Check out this site for all the best planking examples. There are some really good ones there, including in the air, under water, and in some pretty impossible positions. I loves it.

Case and point number two, now on to the more current trends. I just read the other day that Stocking is the new Planking. That's right folks. We have moved on to Stocking. What is this, you ask? Well you know those website where you can purchase stock photos that have been fully consented with rights purchased. We use these sites all the time for kid pictures on our work websites, as well as for Mr. Meat Man's website.

Stocking is when you recreate and pose like these photos. Check out this tumblr for some examples. Or here are a couple of my favorites:

Pop-upView Separately

My sentiments exactly. I don't like work nor bananananas. I couldn't have pictorially recreated this better.

Pop-upView Separately

Brace yourself....to catch air!!!! Or maybe the holy spirit. Or maybe you're singing, extreme gesturing? Who the hell knows. But I dig it either way.

Who comes up with these photo stock ideas? They were bound to be mocked by the internets.

webcam 101

Old people are so funny. I have noticed momma and poppa B in particular are much more carefree in their retirement. They laugh alot more and are generally more tolerable.

But technology can be real confusing for old people. I mean there are so many buttons and warning and business happening. I swear. Case and point, take this old couple who's working on their computer, trying to get their damn webcam to work right....there also is a request to show your boobs, making me wonder if old people porn is on the rise:



That grandma is going to town on some cough drop! Or she is rolling her fake teeth around in her mouth. Man that grandpa is a check too...burping and singing and requesting flashing.

and this one is for you

my loverpants K, may you continue to get your groove back:

the special K family is growing

Well I can't get over the new Hollywood family, who I coin the Special K's, is staying relevant. People just aren't getting sick of them like I thought they would 6 years later!

Years ago Kim Kardashian came on the scene as a fashion shopper for celebutantes, then she made a sex tape with Brandy's brother that "leaked" and she was here to stay. The same year her sex tape leaked, her family started their "reality" show KUWTK. The kids have branched off and had their own shows as well, providing further evidence this family is just raking in money.

This family and the "K's". I swear. Most of the children, like 20 of them, have names that start with K's (kim, kourtney, khloe, kylie, kendell, kris, KILL ME NOW). Then of all the irony, Kim finds a guy who's name also starts with a K! Insert Kris Humphries, a MN native.

Kris went to the UMN when I was there, and he wasn't known as the smartest guy around. Granted he was a talented athlete from the Twin Cities area, and our basketball team really sucked. I mean most UMN teams make it hard from you to be a die hard fan....you got to really really want it because they're going to put up a fight. But I remember this guy blundering around campus, and staring off into space.

Fast forward years later, Kris now plays for the NBA which makes him the perfect mark for all jersey chasers. And he is perfect for the Special K family because his name starts with a K! It's a match made in heaven. Apparently Kim loves Minnesotans and our hanging on to "oooo" while she chills on Lake Minnetokan with her hubby.

So after some courtship, Kris proposes to Kim which just aired on their KUWTK show. Check out this romantical proposal, full of cameras and lighting from the E! crew:



Just that first minute made me cringe! I mean how long did he sit there on his knee. I felt awkward for you, Kris. Fixing his shirt, just hanging out on one of his prayer bones. For reals. At least he knew on how to spell out his proposal in the rose pedals, otherwise he could have been like this dumbass:



And the kicker is Kim comes in and won't say anything until she sees the ring. As soon as it is apparent it is 40 carat, she says yes. Phhhh!

So the wedding happened and apparently the couple MADE over 15 MILLION dollars for getting married. Holy balls, they got everything free and got paid for selling the entire experience to E! and other companies (like the cake maker). How is that possible? Most couples go into debt!

I don't think this family is stupid. They are smart business people and anyone arguing differently should look at the longevity and gross income. They have outlived the Osbourne's and their reality show, as well as Gene Simmon's Family Jewels. There is something about all 20 of them, somewhere between dysfunctional and strong family based.

a 21 footer

This week a small town in the Philippines can finally sleep sound. Why you ask? Well they just caught a GIGANTIC 21 foot long crocodile:



Wowsa. That is no joke. I think bigger is better (this is why texassss and I get along), but this is pretty damn scary. The optimal size is about at 12 inches, but at 21 feet it is getting out of control.

This croc had been eating farmers and water buffalo all summer. But apparently, George (what I'm calling this 21 footer) is going to become part of the local community. Yeah they are building an ecotourism park around this beast, as he has become an international sensation. Just remember to keep your distance, look out they bite!

On a side note, I think my wing span could cover most of the croc. That little Philippian guy could barely get around it, whereas me (being the giant I am) would probably get a good grip.

we may have a flushing problem

I rarely make mistakes. I'm typically so fucking organized and on the ball that things rarely surprise me.

I remember one major, hilarious screwed up from last fall, (from what Helga said, it was the first time in 10 years that she saw genuine surprise on my face) that occurred when I drove the plastic pinto away from a gas station without first taking the nozzle from my car :) We had to tell the attendant "Ahhh we may have had a mishap on pump 7."

Well the other day I had to admit to my live-in loverpants, N, that "we may have had a mishap in the bathroom". There I was, relaxing, hanging out, and half out of my mind after a busy week. I was in our new bathroom, and decided to change the empty roll of toilet paper while flushing. The result was something like a baton twirler or rolling a coin through your fingers:



And before I truly could comprehend what was going on, the toilet paper rod fall into the toilet and went completely down the pipe. I stood there stunned. I really couldn't move while I tried to figure out where the hell it went.

I flushed again. No problems. I thought, there is not way that rod went all the way down the pipes. I considered not telling anyone. I considered sticking my hand down there. I considered running out to Lowes and buying a new rod.

Things continued as normal for a couple hours but once Nik showed up, all plans were shot to shit when it started backing up. Note to self: not a good idea to try to limit the amount people can pee or poop.

I really enjoyed having to call my landlord the next day, fully embarrassed, to report that I am an idiot who can't change a toilet paper roll and subsequently causes my toilet to back up. I figured I'd have to pay extra as they ripped up my entire bathroom, but luckily it wasn't too far down and the damage was minimal. The next day I got home and the rod was back on the holder, just there mocking me!

What an idiot. At least I wasn't like this kid:

hate those family stickers, like this one

I've mentioned in passing that I would rather die than be one of those people who those stupid family and animal stickers on the back windows of your car/familvan. Worse. Nightmare. Ever. It is like I'm reading a book about momma bear, and baby bear, and fido the dog.

However, I like this single-person's approach that is combating the wholesomeness of the typical car window family roll call sticker with some good old fashioned hostility:



Wow, congrats your mom is back out there. I was worried at first when your Dad left, so be gentle, Honda Element owner. Be gentle.

I don't need no stinkin iPod

This may or may not be my live-in loverpant, N:



I know, I know, soooo ghetto yet inventive, right?

But let me ask you this: Does your mp3 player provide you with lumbar support??? It's hard to get down to Lady Gaga with lower back pain.

Someone please enter this man into a contest to win an iPod touch. On second thought, I would gladly give up my iPod shuffle for that pan full of bacon.

PSA to JT

Last week, Justin gave two surprise performances at both his NYC restaurant, Southern Hospitality, and then Irving Plaza the following evening (to support FreeSol, an artist under his personal record label). Fans, myself included, have been waiting, foam fully formed at the corners of their mouths, for JT to release something new, something that isn’t a romantic comedy with Mila Kunis or another stint hosting SNL. But it's been years.

Some of fans put together a PSA directed toward JT...come back to us pllllease: