preparing for Vday

Well Single's Awareness Day is fast approaching, and some of my favorite old people are already sending you greetings. This will serve as your reminder and I suggest that you start preparing for how you will spend this corporately promoted, made-up Hallmark holiday. For example, I will be spending it in a bottle of red wine. But for many of you it might be important for chocolates and flowers. Well thank god the people of Walmart know what we all need and have conveniently placed these ideas in one end aisle:

If you have to end your night with what's on the bottom shelf, your Valentine's Day probably didn't go as well as anticipated. I mean you should start at the top and work your way down...

Happy f-ing Single's Awareness Day. Boooo.

I need 4 friends...

OK friends, I got an idea. Well I sort of stole the idea. We all need to come together...no wrong choice of words...get together during the late afternoon. If you are bored and need a little fun, we can play the shadow puppets game with 5 people. I mean look at what these folks did, completely amazingballs:

There's only so many drinking games we can play before this happens.

Actually I think this mayyyy be a family on their yearly vacation. So for them, apparently there is only so much Uno a family can play before they start getting creative.

bumper stickers revisited

I've been having a field day lately with all these car decals....they are direct, they are creative, and they are snarker than me. I really like them. I mean, I'm not putting any of them on the plastic pinto but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the creativity. Here is a new one for you truck-lovers...I know about 40 FFA guys from High School that I used to run with that would be all over this business:

You're telling me that pickup doesn't have nuts hanging off the back? Mind blown.

Also that is some great girly, cursive like decals. Good work.

home depot does it again

What is happening at Home Depot lately? They really need someone to proofread their signage, between the erotic aisles and now the racist signage, I hardly know what to do with myself. The sassy, snarky side of me is having a field day with HD:

"Well, sir, I hate to break it to you, but no, we don't sell white conical hats in the 'white power accessories' section. They're on the KKK aisle. Next to plumbing."

single's awareness day is upon us

Hate it. Not a fan. Said it for years. The only person I want as my valentine is this lovely lady:

Hot in Cleveland
Get More: Hot in Cleveland Video,Photos on the set of Hot in Cleveland,Betty White,Hot in Cleveland Official TV Show Website

God I love me some Betty White. She just turned 90 and damn she is still fecking funny.

talk about direct

Boy. This driver is direct. S/he is not messin' with you on the road. You know what you are getting and they aren't beating around the bush.

I assume your children is not a honor student then:



Unlike some of the creative alternatives to those stupid family stickers of mini-vans, this one will not be making it on the plastic pinto. I mean I have to park that burnt-grass-colored-beast at work and I don't need everyone knowing what ACTUALLY goes through my head on a daily basis.

Bon Joviver

I love music. I like to rock out and have a dance party. But man I do like to chill with a little midwestern goodness. Enter Bon Joniver, what you get when marrying the musical style of Bon Iver (I love cheddarheads) with classic Bon Jovi lyrics:



I love it. I need more Miracles of Modern Science in my life.

misplaced erotic signage

Did Home Depot go from hardware store to hardcore sex dungeon when I wasn't looking? Because these sound less like helpful household items and more like the lyrics of a Rihanna song. I'd ask the nearest employee, but he has a ball gag stuffed in his mouth.....just a hypothesis. Again, this picture of the day is more evidence why LL should be your all time proofreader:



Well thank God there is no interest if I use my HD card! Clean up in aisle 15, but hide your kids.

traffic dance party

OMG this video just made my day. This guy can dance....shit if he can direct traffic but mannnnn watch him move:



This Philippines traffic officer is really making the most of his job by dancing to some imaginary beats while directing traffic on the streets of Manila. It truly looks like the spirit of Michael Jackson is still walking the earth and Whoopi Goldbergged itself into this man’s body, and the result is one incredibly upbeat video that everyone can enjoy (except for the victims of the hundreds of inevitable accidents).

this would not be me

Despite popular belief, this would not be me:

GROSSSSs. I won't even know if that is a guy or girl, and that is just sad in many ways.

straight up now tell me

This is as bad as tootin and pootin it with a little Paula Abdul mixed in:



Won't you drop that thing down to the floor??? Straight up.

tips for my pic problem

I've been getting some emails and ideas recently from my friends and family. Thanks ya'll, you must really like when I blog and tell you your business. Oh good, I can still be sassy....

But I digress. For those that don't know I have this propensity for taking photos from an arms-distance away when traveling, or getting drunk, or just trying to capture a fun moment. This generally works well for me because, well you know, I'm tall as shit. Yeah I'm a female giant. But occasionally this leads to profiles of my chicken winged arm or flashed white pasty face, and let's face it, no one wants to see that.

Enter the 10 tips for better self-portrait photography. These are great tips so that you don't end up like this asian lady being a personal party of one tourist with a picture taking contraption. Let's break down these tips and take note for future LL reference:

1. Figure out your best angle. Good suggestion, mine is definitely NOT on the end of a large group. I'm much better placed in the middle where my gigantic wing span can grasp the entire group (see this post with a photo in front of the police station).
2. Find interesting backgrounds. I couldn't agree more, although this can be difficult given a number of factors that include angles, head size, and hand shakeyness.
   
3. Don't worry about angles. True that. Don't take your V8 and snap away. No worries.
   

OK good things to think about.

the best posed photo ever

Wow. Just wow. I'm in a current state of a-mazed-ness. Let me explain....

For years I have had a small, minor, yet continuous obsession with posing on, against, and with phallic-like statues, monuments, and erect things. Me and my fun friends have done it with my butt, with my hands and a butt, with two fingers, and with two hands....wait what are we talking about?!?! I lost my train of thought...

Ohhh right, so posing with things has moved to a new epic level upon the discovery of this slightly pornographic photo that pushes me to get more creative in my picture taking abilities:

Wowsa. I'm glad that this photo also captured the girl on the right, doing the tired, old "Holding Up The Leaning Tower Of Pisa" pose. Been there, done that and apparently I need to step up my game. I expect that she felt instantly ashamed of being such a tourist cliche, especially next to these Jersey Shore-like guy's amount of creativity.

I wonder if this will launch a hot new trend in vacation snaps, "I got penetrated by Pisa!" It could totally happen.

A tip of my hat gentlemen. Nice work.

oh lionel, are you there?

I've decided I really like Lionel Richie. The mullet-like hair, the stache, and legendary songs. I've highlighted previously some well-place song lyrics in new gifts you can buy me. And now we get the best video ever made involving that a0-amzing hello, it is you? song:

Hello from ant1mat3rie on Vimeo.

We're pretty confident this is the best version of this song ever created, and not just because it's "performed" by some of my favorite movie characters, or because it doesn't involve a clay bust of Lionel Richie's giant head. It's also because the person who recorded it had nothing to do with the creation of Nicole Richie or her friendship with Paris Hilton.

HP in 2020

Danny Rad was on SNL last night and did a great HP sketch:

ND, you're so saucy!

Now, I've been to ND many times. I've been drunk there...I've driven across the state in the summers, in the winters....BUT I never never knew that I could become a legend:

Scandalous! Who knew North Dakota was making a bid for sex tourism dollars. Apparently the ladies there don't even care if you have a neck beard or look like Anthony Michael Hall on coke. You just have to plop down at a bar and wait for them to clamor up to the glass like urchins begging for change.

North Dakota: We got booze, food and farm chicks. Hey!

North Dakota: We have nothing to offer so just take our women, okay?

whos the drunkest

Let's think about where you've lived in the these United States? Go ahead, take a moment. How many you got? Mine are split between the reds and blues and represent bi-coastal states. Which states have the highest binge drinkers??? Check it out:

Nice work you drunk Badgers, Cheddarheads, and Packer fans. I mean, it is soooo cold there you have to drink, and then eat cheese curds. Long live the land o' Leines, my favorite beer of all time.

So what is binge drinking? Well apparently those lab-coat wearing weenies define binge drinking as "five or more drinks in a short period of time for men, and four for women." Sure sure, women can't hold their booze. I know. It's because we are typically small. But what we really need to do is define what is a "short period". Two hours? Six hours? 20 minutes? I can do it all. Trust me.

How does your state(s) stacks up in alcohol consumption? If you're in WI you probably can't answer this because your are far too drunk to read. Or perhaps you are already passed out on the floor if you're from Tennessee or South Dakota. I mean what happened there? Did you forget to vote? To stop drinking enough to pick up your phone and talk to the CDC? Yeah I know.

building pinball

I'd like to play this in person:

kiss cam gone wrong

Dear men of the world,

It is important for you to mayyyybe have a good idea that the woman in your life is also interested in marriage so that this doesn't happen to you:



Ouch. That sucks. Better luck next time, maybe she'll stay.

Love,

LL

give em all coal

Kids are so spoiled these days. They get whatever the hell they want, whenever the hell they want it. We are such a consumer generation. I think this kids need a reality check. Enter the Jimmy Kimmel late night show.

Jimmy did a sketch in October encouraging parents to tell their children they ate their candy. This was my favorite. Now he is encourage parents to give their children crap Christmas gifts and video tape the results. Well the fun and dose of reality for their kiddos have continued into the new year:



Oh stop your crying! We need to toughen up you kids and teach you to be thankful for what you got!!! I was never like that as a child, or adolescent, I swear.

oh yeah! hip old lady

If my crazy grandparents were still alive I would have totally done this in their kitchen. I would have taught GS the shoulder dust off, the nose inch, and the chest pop. If this old lady had more junk in the trunk she totally could have done a hot bootie dance (but as GS always said "its a bitch getting old").

I mean check out her ty-died shirt and stretch pants. She is so hip she is almost a hipster (or gangsta, whichever):



Pop, pop, pop it like its hot. I like it.

it's officially election season

Let the fun begin!!!!

I'd total vote for Ru Paul...her drag shows are the best: