Toy R Us does birth control

I think this toy store has inadvertently offered the most excellent family planning advice ever:

I'm pretty sure this little nugget of wisdom from Toys "R" Us was a telemarketing mistake, considering it essentially holds the key to never having to shop at a Toys "R" Us. None the less, this ad offers some sound elephant-like advice for family planning. I mean you don't have to take a pill or worry about any heat of the moment accessories, and YOU SAVE!!!

I mean it worked for Bristol Palin, right?

time to start measuring your penis again

Well every couple months, or biyearly, an article surfaces of some correlational research relating to penis size. This is similar to the idea that your foot is only as long as your wrist to your elbow (now as you go try this consider how crazy you look attempting to lay your forearm flat on the ground next to your foot--only extreme yogies can do this!). Whenever these reports happen everyone starts measuring and remeasuring and measuring again (for good measure) their penises. Don't worry, no matter which angle you take I still prefer mine at a good 12 inches, 13 to be safe....

Anyways, the new article caught the attention of the MSM (this is a Palin term for the main stream media--you know not FoxNews), and in particular Time magazine. Really, Time? Well that means it is for reals news. So here is what you need to do:

• Create a ratio of the length of a man's index finger to that of his ring finger.
• Then divide by 20 (your desired length).
  
• Then take the natural log and square it.

I think the more important issue here is whether or not people will know how to create ratios or just do some direct measurement. We aren't smrt enough for ratios, but you had our attention at penis. Also important to note, the sample of this study was 144 Korean men! Well that is representative. And according to this website, Asian men have some serious small ratios to begin with.

This finding has to be spurious.

So go ahead and start measuring, but you should know more about the research-related language. Apparently, there is something going on with your dimensional perspective and your penis. For example:

• "The data suggested that those with a lower ratio, whose index finger (or second finger, 2D) was shorter than the ring finger (or fourth finger, 4D), had a longer stretched penis length, which is well correlated with erect size."

Well what about 3D? Sure sure it is all flat or in the matrix.

palin needs a fashion consultant

I've been watching former-Alaskan-governorator/former-VP-candidate/current-family-road-tripper/current-media-whoure as she begins her bid for presidency. She has been traveling up and down the east coast in a big bus eating pizza and making up history. Although she won't yet admit it, this road trip is scheduled to end in DC in January 2013.

On this amazing media tour/family vacation, Palin has been wearing some jewelry which is begging for alittle LL fashion commentary:

Case and point #1:



In the words of Simmon, what the bloody hell is that? Seriously, I saw this picture (without the paint doodling) and thought, 80's much? How many bad necklaces can one person put on? Less is more lady, not sure you know that yet in fashion and in politics. Those fake pearls go great with those vampire repelling silver chains and jesus cross.

Case and point #2:



Wow, another jesus cross! You're just shouting religiosity. I have one question though, did you steal that from a pirate? From the Vatican? From the crown jewels vaults in London? On another note, what the hell kind of fake/crushed fur jacket is that? I bought one of those once for a pimp-n-hoes party during Halloween. It cost me about $10 and looked great with my crunk cup.

Case and point #3:



Well this jewelry selection is a little more confusing. Apparently, one necklace is the key to your heart while the other is the star of david. The six-point star is a frequent choice during your media blitzes, and I don't get it. What lock does that crown key open? Inquiring minds would like to know.

And finally, case and point #4:



This looks like something chunky I would wear, except I'm 6 feet tall with a personality twice that size. I can pull off (or so I think) chunkiness, you however look as if you strung some crystallized dinosaur poop to your neck. Are the shapes geographical? You betcha, one piece is Africa, and another is the shape of Russia I see from my back porch. True story, she never admits when she's wrong.

Well I do hope your bus, which has your name the same size as the constitution, decides to start campaigning this year. Frankly you are just too much fun to disappear from the politick scene. Palin, always good comedic value.

a little jab from the governator

Wowsa, the CA governator totally just ripped on Ms. Palin via technology. Ouch:

pictorial evidence of alaska

Alright folks, here are the AK/AL money shots. Although I hear people do appreciate my running commentary and the colorful LLish anecdotes, I know you all are waiting with baited breath for the pictorial evidence of my Alaskan adventure. If you are interested in a crazy girl's ramblings, check out this update 1, 2, 3, and the final. If you want more details you'll have to buy me some steamed mussels and a fruity martini....

Well let's start with my favorite picture of the trip which has already been posted on my desktop. We took this when walking on the ice glacier, and it includes the snowy mountains, the green/cooper mountains, the glacier, the dirty rocks which apparently come with all glaciers, a not-as-cloudy sky, and some beautiful wild flowers. All Alaskan goodness wrapped up in one photo:



And of course, the big ball of death in the sky was out this say so I was full clothed and trying to remain pale :) But whilst hiking on the big block of ice, I let my uni-bomber hood down long enough to soak up a little vitamin D. Dirty blue ice is soooo hot, I'd do push ups and cut up my hands/knees all day to drink that glacier water filtered in dirty rocks:



We also had an opportunity to ride a sky tram into the Alaskan sky. It was a ride about 2000 feet (or something "God-like" coming from the person who has no sense of measurement) into the heavens to overlook more of the frozen tundra. I like this picture because it looks like I can literally reach out into the clouds and you can see all the brilliant shades of snow-topped green (reminding me of Ireland, and that Irish song of 120 colors of green....Momma B knows it):



On one of our day trips we went to Wittitttittter which populates about 120 people. I loved it. I ate Reindeer and pooped in a hole. This city is right on the ocean so I could get my toeys wet. I spend some high quality time on one of their rocky beaches while waiting for a train to become unstuck from the 2 1/2 mile one-lane tunnel of death. Anyways, Bridawg, Coopster and I did a little posing in the beautiful wilderness:



I also really like this picture because it is cloudy, it has some of those "Charlie Brown-like Christmas trees," glaciers, snowy mountains, and that picturesque crystal blue ocean water:



I also became an adapted Aunt as Cooper (my pooper) bonded for a good 5 days. In this pictorial evidence of our budding relationship, I have his cameo 1-year old self on my 6 foot tall shoulders. We had many a dance parties with me singing, and both of us shaking our booties while flaring our limbs about as if independent of our bodies. In this picture we are entertaining all the other cars waiting to get through the tunnel of death (and he may have been drooling on my head):



As I mentioned before, I was planning on shooting a moose, or Sarah Palin, or a moose/palin from an airplane whilst in Alaska (or drinking some smoked salmon vodka, which we didn't find...damnit). Unfortunately, Ryan wouldn't let me touch his guns (teheheh) but I did get a little wild moose visual hunting in. This is the money shot of the male bull moose we saw which I termed "Bullwinkle" (original, I know). He was just going about his business, eating grass, and not trying to mount/hump me! So I got these amazing pictures of him in his natural green environment:



Also as a final Alaskan observation, I think those Alaskan navies have dog ears. Either Bridawg, Rhino or I would be whispering to each other about something and some Alaskan would hear us. It literally happened everyday no matter where we were. I couldn't believe the sensitive hearing those Alaskans have, even when I'm making rude observations....

Want more pictures? Email me bitches!

I found something else to do in Alaska

Well I'm off to Alaska tonight/tomorrow AM and have been thinking for weeks/months about what to do whilst in the great north. This morning I read an article and bought a great new idea. Turns out the great city of Wasilla, home of Ms. Palin, has started producing it's own flavor of VODKA!!! OMG!!!! Now that sounds like it is right up my alley....

The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla just launched their latest vodka flavor, and can you guess it.....chocolate??? fruit-ish??? NOPE!!!!

Drum roll please.....SMOKED SALMON!!!!

Now that is a brilliant idea. I'm on board. I'm buying a case. I'm going to drink a bottle while there and bring as much of it back as possible. Smoked Salmon shots for everyone!!! Just think of the vodka cream sauces I could make with my baked salmon dishes. This is going to be amazing.

Yes please. This vacay just got exponentially better!

t minus 2 wk for mooses

Soooo we are within 2 weeks of my epic trip to the BIG state of Alaska so that I can shoot a moose. My big summer vacay will be occurring as I make the trek up to a state where I can see Russia from my friend's patio, and check to see if Palin really had a boob job.

I've mentioned previously that I have a long list of things I want to do while in the northern most state of America, including shooting a moose or getting knocked up by Levi. I may have to settle with just some Miller Light and "Coooooper my little Pooper" bonding time. I'm sure there will be much laughter and hopefully some good fireworks too. BUT I need to extend my list of vacay must do's, so think about it, and come back with something fun.

For example, is there such a thing of an Alaskan accent? and can I learn it???