music of the moment

I love love love this song right now. Total jam. I've been making Nik listen to it for like a month and thank god the video finally came out:



Nice lyrics Drake, you sexy bitch you.

found this on my refrig

Nik, what an jhole trying to help me with my diet....freezer burrrrn:

important notes to leave

I like leaving love notes. Sometimes I do it on chalk boards, white board, sticky notes, or voice messages. I leave them on your cars, hidden in your office, or somewhere random it will take you months to find. I like to brighten your day (so STOP complaining damnit!).

I've had this discussion in the past about how to leave me notes around my house. And luckily I've run across a couple other cute possibilities for my everyday life.

Case and point #1:

Listen Evan/Nik, don't tell me what to do. Honeybadger don't give a shit. I can wear my birthday suit and walk around my house all I want. Do your rental units pay rent here? No, I don't think so. What if there is a dance off? What am I going to do if my pants are still on?

I mean I may consider putting on a robe or a towel (like when your boyfriend is here), but you can't stop the girls if they want to get out (you know what I'm talking about, insert wink wink).

PS, anyone notice the Jimmy John magnet goodness above this well purposed college roommate request.

Case and Point #2:

Except this love note would be edited this to say:

• Dear LL, You dumb hooker. I'm not too happy with your inability to provide me with 1 pound of crack cherries each week. This is unacceptable for my pooping ability. If you could fix the situation that'd be great. Thanks, Nik.

Oh sure sure, blame me for your inability to have a good BM. That has got to be the nicest random note demanding sugary substances. Jon you sexy thing. I wonder how sweet your real loooovenotes are.

laziness around the holidays

Well it's officially December which means I can start talking about the holidays without fear of being scorned or have rocks thrown at me. I've been warming up for the holidays with thoughts of gifts in a box as well as some good holiday-themed music. Tis the season and remember the reason, you crazy bitch.

Not everyone is as cheerful or organized as the big LL. Let's examine a couple examples of laziness during the season exemplified.

Case and point #1:

Wow, you are super lazy. L-a-z-y. For reals. I mean at least get a fake tree like Nik made me do (then just keep stating "recycle, reuse, refresh"). Nope this dude stopped by the gas station on the way home, while picking up a 40 oz. and chewing tobacco, and got a wintergreen scented air freshener. Then he sat at home thinking about a good way to display it...that was until he got an inch on his back and discovered his trusty back scratcher. At least it is smells like a Christmas tree and you don't have to worry about all the presents fitting under it!

Case and point #2:



Yeah you suck too. Lazy mother fers. And PS your arrow point left is burnt out so you suck more.

Sometimes extreme apathy can lead to extreme ingenuity. With one simple word and a minuscule fraction of the effort, the guy on the right is expressing the exact same level of Christmas spirit as his show-offy, bigger-budgeted neighbor. Plus that guy borrowed a rake from him like three years ago, so it all evens out.

Case and point #3:

Jesus didn't even have electricity....what does he care!?!?

This is totally the lupus way of approaching the holidays. Good intentions immediately shot to shit with a little bit of pirate-like swearing thrown in there. Sounds about right.

Well tis the season everyone!

snow white vs. snow white

So you may or may not have heard but they have been filming two new takes on Snow White. The casts are loaded with high powered stars. They've been filming for awhile now so the pictures are starting to be leaked/released. It couldn't be more clear how different these two films are going to be. Let's break it down:

Case and point #1: Costume Snow White

This version has Julia Roberts and classically funny man Nathan Lane (are you ache'n, yes yes yes, for some bacon, yes yes yes) and Lily Collins (from Abduction who's costar was Taylor, who also costars with Snow White part 2--see below for more of hollywood's seven degrees of separation).

Julia plays the evil queen in a wicked awesome red dress. I mean I like this costume but I'm not sure it is evil enough. Warm fuzzy white feathers and beautiful red satin. Just don't show us that big teethy smile, because that would totally ruin the whole "evil" thing we're working on here:



Also, Snow White puts on some costumes that I'm not sooo excited about. She goes to a ball and instead of bringing her 7 blue collar dwarfs, she decides to wear the iconic swan dress Bjork wore to the Oscars back in the day.

Costume Snow White sporting a swan:

Bjork sporting a swan:



From what I can figure, Costume Snow White is going to be over the top with everything. Fashion, and colors and furniture. The next photo shows the evil queen in a wicked full dress and a golden chair. For the record, I totally owned one of these chairs in my last house. Nik made me sell it though during the last move...it did take up the entire living room. You'd think a gigantic chair made of gold would have been something the Goodwill would have embraced. I mean who doesn't want to sit in solid gold:



Case and Point #2: Badass Snow White

The second version of Snow White is a little more badass. It stars KStew, our favorite twitarded actress, who works with that wolf, who dates that other Snow White with the swan on her head (see totally 7 degrees of separation). From what I can figure out she is a sword wielding, armor-wearing badass. They've been filming in England on a beach, playing with horses and frolicking on the beach:



Wow, the badass version clearly has no fancy balls or swans or elaborate dresses. Instead Snow White's clothes are falling off, she's completely water-logged, and apparently has become a horse whisper:



Here horsey, horse! Luckily, Snow White and the Horsemen version has a white horse. Maybe it will have a knight with shiny armor that will ride bareback down the beach. That would be great, especially if he has blonde hair.

The badass Snow White also has a wicked looking queen who's going to stab you with her knife. Look out she is wicked and does not wear white feathers.

OK I'll admit, I'll probably go see both the films, reviews dependent!

I'm gonna diagram the shit out of you

So Nik and I recently had a major laughing fest whilst deciding to start diagraming the shit out of our everyday lives. This new goal was inspired by this picture:



I don't know who this Chris person is but he sounds like someone I would like to hang out with. What, you like to drink? What, you like balconies? What, your friends leave passive aggressive fun notes for you? Let's be friends.

Fun like this is the sole reason I purchased a million dollar half cork, half chalk board for our kitchen. So I can draw dirrrty things and then use an arrow to point to the equally dirty post-it note pinned up on the left. Ahhh good times.

So here is what I came up with for the bathroom:

1. Are you LL? No, then feel free to use the toilet.
   
2. Yes, have you pooped in the last day? Yes, proceed with caution.
3. No, is there a plunger available? Yes, proceed with caution and consider a two-flusher with a mid-poop pinch off.
4. No, go to the crazy neighbors.

Yep, I think this works. I'm posting it in the bathroom for future reference. Excellent.

Now I need you all to come up with more decision making trees for me....

we may have a flushing problem

I rarely make mistakes. I'm typically so fucking organized and on the ball that things rarely surprise me.

I remember one major, hilarious screwed up from last fall, (from what Helga said, it was the first time in 10 years that she saw genuine surprise on my face) that occurred when I drove the plastic pinto away from a gas station without first taking the nozzle from my car :) We had to tell the attendant "Ahhh we may have had a mishap on pump 7."

Well the other day I had to admit to my live-in loverpants, N, that "we may have had a mishap in the bathroom". There I was, relaxing, hanging out, and half out of my mind after a busy week. I was in our new bathroom, and decided to change the empty roll of toilet paper while flushing. The result was something like a baton twirler or rolling a coin through your fingers:



And before I truly could comprehend what was going on, the toilet paper rod fall into the toilet and went completely down the pipe. I stood there stunned. I really couldn't move while I tried to figure out where the hell it went.

I flushed again. No problems. I thought, there is not way that rod went all the way down the pipes. I considered not telling anyone. I considered sticking my hand down there. I considered running out to Lowes and buying a new rod.

Things continued as normal for a couple hours but once Nik showed up, all plans were shot to shit when it started backing up. Note to self: not a good idea to try to limit the amount people can pee or poop.

I really enjoyed having to call my landlord the next day, fully embarrassed, to report that I am an idiot who can't change a toilet paper roll and subsequently causes my toilet to back up. I figured I'd have to pay extra as they ripped up my entire bathroom, but luckily it wasn't too far down and the damage was minimal. The next day I got home and the rod was back on the holder, just there mocking me!

What an idiot. At least I wasn't like this kid:

I don't need no stinkin iPod

This may or may not be my live-in loverpant, N:



I know, I know, soooo ghetto yet inventive, right?

But let me ask you this: Does your mp3 player provide you with lumbar support??? It's hard to get down to Lady Gaga with lower back pain.

Someone please enter this man into a contest to win an iPod touch. On second thought, I would gladly give up my iPod shuffle for that pan full of bacon.