the place for your next vacay

In these exotic waters, just feel free to express yourself, to let it all go, to be free with your body. Yeah again, you all miiiight need to hire me as all time proofreader for your telemarketing because that whole relaxing reflection isn't working for you:

I keep thinking of my cousins

OK I know my cousins are NOT going to appreciate this, but when I saw this picture I thought of them. My two bro-ed out cousins, in some hipster clothes, with their dog that eats better than I do. We don't need leeshes! Everyone get on my scotttter! We're going for a ride down the road. Varoooom Varooooom!!! What the bloody hell:

thinking about m-day

Well May is fast approaching and I've been thinking about the good old Momma B. I ran across this string of texts messages and felt like it might be something that would happen to me:

Ma OK note to self....if you're going to be expressive over text you need to download the "Not Going To Kill Myself" emoticon. It's a smiley face taking a pair of scissors to a noose and it's adorbs.

fair and balanced

Not this bitch's style:

music of the moment

I love love love this song right now. Total jam. I've been making Nik listen to it for like a month and thank god the video finally came out:



Nice lyrics Drake, you sexy bitch you.

I want to carpool with you

You know the economy is tough these days. People just don't have time to be at home martha faching it up by baking in the kitchen (they still better make me a sandwich though). Well I ran across this picture of the day and thought, damn I wanna carpool with this person:

Damn, why didn't I think of this!

And WAYYYY to take advantage of this heat wave. That is what I call resourceful!

I'm not sure this would work in the plastic pinto. She might just shallow them all up with all her burnt grass-ness.

better coordination than you

I don't like when animals are more talented than me. I'll be even more pissed if a cat is s-m-r-ter than me, but maybe I'm marginally more OK with dogs. I mean check this big d-o-double g:



You know, now that the government's been cracking down on dog fighting, dogs in the hood have had to find new hobbies.

A-mazing.

my next wedding invite

I've got my next 5 weddings already planned out. We are going to stretch them to locations worldwide including a beach and a roller skating rink. Hot times for the big LL.

Anyways, I just ran across the next invitation you'll get from me so that I can truly assess your excitability for joining me in another ceromony:

You can't check "all the above"

I sometimes wish my friends and their insufferable spouses-to-be were considerate enough to give  options this thorough. In fact, most of them could go ahead and delete the first two, and maybe even add a couple of others like, "depends on the food," "as long as there's an open bar," and "thanks but I'd rather jump off of a highway overpass into oncoming traffic."

life in the country

Yeah maybe you shouldn't let your children play outside, this fun game just got more dangerous:

proceed to par-tay

Momma B is a fan of crap, well you know crafty crap. If it makes those red hatters giggle it will probably end up in my house. I can point to numerous examples of this from coiled baskets to redneck wine glasses. Now I'm not complaining but I am surprised that my kitchen isn't full of these masterpieces:

PROCEED to Par-Tay!

If you look carefully you can see the signage of "proceeeed to party". You may not know what this is if 1) you are not a redneck, or 2) don't keep up with pop country music. Good thing you have me for such things. Check out this fun video for your viewing and pop culture pleasure:



Oh yeah you're welcome!

music of the moment

Here is my current jam of the moment. Don't particularly like the crap video but man does this song vibrate through my bones:



This has got to be a club mix. I swear I'd be dancing my balls of to this if I had time for such things anymore :)

hey fattie, go here

Gosh, everyone has been telling me what to do lately...what to eat, when to eat and now I ran across this instruction in the airport:

Let me translate for you:

Attention all heifers, coral yourself to the right and suck it in as you enter the effortless mode of transportation. Anyone who's legs are still the size of their arms can take the damn stairs and get a hot dog at the top. The rest of you fatties merge to the right and continue your obese lifestyle.

Thank god those pictures are gender neutral, this way I feel less bad about my potential in the right side.

Toy R Us does birth control

I think this toy store has inadvertently offered the most excellent family planning advice ever:

I'm pretty sure this little nugget of wisdom from Toys "R" Us was a telemarketing mistake, considering it essentially holds the key to never having to shop at a Toys "R" Us. None the less, this ad offers some sound elephant-like advice for family planning. I mean you don't have to take a pill or worry about any heat of the moment accessories, and YOU SAVE!!!

I mean it worked for Bristol Palin, right?

you aren't special

I really like this bar, they don't sugar coat their drinks or their signage:

Some bars use limited-time cocktails or other gimmicky discounts to get you tossing back cold ones, but this place just breaks your spirit with raw, unflinching truthfulness. There's no phony, light-beer commercial atmosphere in here. Just a bunch of guys who've been chewed up and spit out by a merciless bitch called Life. Build a bridge and get over it yo.

potato chips save the day

Violence is never the answer but shit happens. Crazy people go nuts all the time. But somehow this always happens on public transportation. I mean check this video with two people drop kicking the shit out of each other:



Unlike your average run-of-the-mill internet subway fight video, this one gets broken up in the most nonchalant way possible: By a dude choosing to stand between the combatants and eat potato chips. If all it takes to break up a fight is to stand there and eat chips, then who knows, someday even I might be a hero!

I vote we rename this video to "Man Breaks Up Subway Fight By Fearlessly Eating Potato Chips". Done and doneski.

why the bloody hell didn't I think of this

Why the bloody hell didn't I think of this when in college....



I mean I was ENROLLED in Liberal Arts and realllllly should have drunkenly made this happen. I blame all my a-mazing friends for not being creative and supportive enough.

On a related note, I have horrid spelling but I think I could have mastered this one.

BO is sexy

Well this was bound to happen. I'm surprised the interwebs took this long to make it. But now we officially know that BO is sexy AND he knows it:

I don't want to get too political here…

But Mitt Romney could never pull off animal print pants.

eat my shorts

Hmmmm, I think your shorts might be too small, too tight, and not fit:

I don't know whether to feel bad for her because she can't afford another pair of shorts or to applaud her for simply getting those things on. Either way sexxxy!

found this on my refrig

Nik, what an jhole trying to help me with my diet....freezer burrrrn:

my take on tswift

I like Taylor Swift. I do. She is great, except for all that fake, surprise, OMG I just won another award and I had no idea I'm awesome attitude she has. I mean, yes, she is grateful and all, but I seriously could just have a closed-mouth thank you at this point. Also, not dressing like you are in the era of dust bowls.

Apparently I'm not the only one that has noticed these lovely yet annoying manner in her song and life. Given the ACM's tonight in Vegas, my fav Joel McHale has put together a little parody, which in my opinion is pretty accurately funny:

the best rendition of queen ever

Those crazy canucks! They are nuts and even more so when they are drunk and stuck in the backseat of a cop car. I really want this song as my ringtone. This is well worth 6 minutes of your life:

a new way to charge your i-products

I found a better way for you to charge your iPod or iPhone. Now you don't have to worry about leaving your charger at home or not having enough battery for your favorite tunes when on a long flight. Instead you can just whip out this mask:



Now don't be frightened. We haven't returned to a time of air strikes or gasing, but instead invented some really pretty technology for your Apple devices.

This mayyyyy be the first strike in the machines' eventual overthrow of the human race. I always assumed our gadgets would turn against us in a full scale military assault, but it turns out the revolt will happen quietly, by tricking us into voluntary enslavement. We're already using our own breath, the very thing that keeps us alive, to give them power. What else will they demand of us?

Luckily the safest place to be is America, where the obesity epidemic has put so many of us on respirators that we simply have no oxygen to spare. I may have some after attempting to climb a flight of stairs though. OR this is much more likely:

I need these pants

I really need these pants. I eat EVERYWHERE but a table....the bathroom, my bed, the floor, while driving. It is hot times when you're around the big LL in the arena of food consumption.

Luckily I've now found some capri pants that support my eating lifestyle. These winged pants make for great picnic attire. When sitting they spread out into a make-shift table so that you don't get potato on you, or spill your tacos. And you have to admit they are fashionable:




I also think I could become a flying squirrel if I could also web my arms. I could totally do it!

best t-shirt ever

True statement:

what to bury me in

No one likes talking about their own mortality (except me), but with this bacon-wrapped death box, you'll be salivating over it. What better way to go to your final resting place than in a casket that resembles what was probably your final meal? Plus this quality piece of craftsmanwork will seal out the elements, perfectly preserving your fatally cloggged arteries for weeks to come:

Don't worry their website says this pork flavored box is just under $3000 which is TOTALLY affordable. And I like the company's tagline...."everything should taste like bacon". Couldn't agree more.

we get it you're excited

OK Tim, we understand you got traded (like a wild turkey in the hob--insert Hunger Games reference) and now you're excited. Super excited to be exact. 44 times in one press conference EXCITED that his tebowing efforts are moving to NY.



NY is probably a better place to get laid then Denver anyways.

Downton Abrys

Thanks to my good friend Y, I spent an entire weekend sick on the floor of her Blacksburg house watching Downton Abbey. It's amazing. I'm addicted, which given my Brits obsession is not surprising. Here is a parody which made me laugh:

If you haven't seen the show I doubt you are going to find this remotely funny but I like it. PLUS who doesn't love that one of the top shows out there right now is on PBS. Look thing those elephants didn't shut it down last year and really pull the funding. Bloody well done!

HP going intergalactical

HP Danny was posing for a new mazagine and I can't help but think he is reaching out to a new generation of nerds in this clear attempt at a look-alike:

Coincidence? Maybe he actually posing as Data’s twin brother Lore and he’s stolen Data’s uniform???

my family posted this...

....in our kitchen growing up. True story.

wheel placement is critical

Those crazy cannucks! They really need some additional proofreaders and telemarkerting officials. I mean check out these wheels:

Maybe her campaign team should go back to the drawing board, or at least back to the "let's not make any parts of the bus look like big rubber tits" board. This could have been extremely embarrassing for the candidate, but luckily it happened in Canada, so everyone's being obnoxiously polite about it.

Wowsa!